My husband died today

[scout86]

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

:hug: Medic and birthday blessings for you gal... :hug:

 

[jaccat]

:hug:Medic

 

[Stickler]

:hug:buckets

 

[stillstanding2]

:hug:buckets

And some more: :hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Sighs]

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Thank you for all of the hugs, they were much needed today and they are still needed - will be for a long time yet.

I could not stop thinking about him today. I tried but it hurt too much. I woke up crying, I cried over breakfast, I tried not to cry while at the park with my sister today, I held back tears and sobs several times while out at dinner. It was a trying day for me today. I was actually glad to get back into the comfort and safety of Our own home.

His mom called today to ask how my day was going, she didn't want to wish me a "happy birthday" - how does his mother who he always complained was emotionally inept get that but no one on facebook understood that? ALL of my family sent messages of "Happy Birthday, hope you have a blast" or something similar! Like seriously? Only 102 days since he shot himself and I'm supposed to have a "blast" or an "awesome day out having fun"???? I even posted that I would prefer simply hugs and not "happy" birthdays, only two or three actually complied with my wishes. Uggh.

I missed him so much today. I always complained on my birthday about having to pick out my own presents while he simply handed over a payment card, or never having a cake, or pretty paper or bows or whatever to make the day feel special, but today, I would have happily accepted all of those "normal birthday things" over this pressure to be happy and have fun without him ever being alive again. I miss him SO MUCH. JUST. SO. MUCH.

A fb friend had said to "watch for signs" that he is with me today, "butterfly kisses" or "wind on your cheek" type things. I kept looking for these things and was disappointed when we were hiking out of the park that I didn't get any "signs". Of course, just as we were getting to the parking gate, there, across from my vehicle was the same make and model of his car, only in black and not silver like his was. In my head I thought, "Tin, why are you wearing black today? It's supposed to be my birthday, are you not happy today either?"

When we finally got home this evening, there was a message from his mom letting me know that his Great Aunt Margaret in Scotland had passed away; she was 91. He had wanted to go to see his Great Aunt, we were hoping once our legal issues were settled that we could finally take that trip...he didn't survive to make that possible and now, they're both dead. Is that why you were wearing black today, Tin?

Tinny, I miss you. I can't say it enough. Just like when you were alive, I couldn't tell you enough how much I loved you, now I can't say just precisely how much I miss you!

My chest feels tight. My stomach feels like it's in knots. My core feels heavy. I've got pressure in the back of my throat. My body feels fatigued. My brain feels so exhausted. Life itself feels like it is weighing down on me and I don't know how to make it stop. I know what you were feeling, Tin. I know. It feels like there is no escape from the pressures of life. It feels like everything constantly works against you. It feels like you will never catch a break ever. I know because I feel like that right now. I lost you. A worse nightmare on top of many past bad nightmares. I just can't face any more nightmares. I just can't. I want some good dreams. I want some hope for a better future. I want some concrete proof that my life IS going to get better.

@gizmo, you've read this from me already a million times, but I need life to just leave me alone for a little while. I just want the pressure to be off and just let me BE. I just want to live. I just want to feel alive again. I feel like I'm being crushed. I do. Like the universe itself is encroaching on me. Please, God, Tin, Dad, Mom, Brother, please, please help me get through this. please. I"m so afraid. I feel so small. I feel so weak. I feel so damned broken. Its like my soul is bleeding.

Where can you go to escape from the world? I want to let go of it all. all of it. I don't want to deal with a stupid lawsuit, or a stupid RRSP company, or a stupid roofing company or his stupid taxes. I just don't want to deal with life anymore. I just don't want to have to think anymore. I don't want to feel like I have to defend myself. I don't want to feel attacked. I just want life to be easy again. I just want everything to fall into place. I just don't want any more worries. I need a break. Tin, please, I just need to catch a break here.
It's too much. I can't handle this without you. I can't. Who can I turn too? Who can I trust?

From eyes that see the world through PTSD colored glasses, how do you ever live alone? How do you ever find confidence in yourself again? How do you win back your independence? Your guts? Your sense of authority over your own life? What am I doing wrong? Why can't everything just fall into place, I am so tired of having to fight for every little thing. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

I want him BACK! Universe, how could you be this cruel to me!? I WANT HIM BACK!!! I NEEDED HIM!!!!

I need to catch a break in this life. I need to catch a break, please.
I still love you, 'Tin.

 

[NarcSis]

It was a rough night. A lot of crying with silent screams of anguish. At one point I was rocking on my bed repeatedly thinking to myself, "It gets better, It gets better, It gets better..."

I wish there was a place I could just check into where I could relinquish all responsibility for a few months and just recharge my batteries. I'm so worn down.

No word of a lie, if I reach the end of my rope and I die in the too near future it will have been because of the stress of trying to deal with this rrsp company. I'm at my wits end, it's like dealing with workers comp and my employer all over again, the he said/she said bullshit is like being subjected to the crazy-making of a narcissist! The woman is now emailing me directly and not including my lawyer in the loop, so I have to keep forwarding her correspondence to him. I wanted to die last night, I just Do Not want to deal with them anymore. I just can't field that kind of stress right now. I wish I could just relinquish complete control over this situation to him (lawyer) but she seems to refuse to acknowledge him.
Grrrrrraaaaahhhhh!!!

I'm afraid. I've spent the night begging my husband to protect me from the beyond, just please remain my sword and shield like he'd always been. I'm too tired to fight. I'm just too tired.

My sister brought breakfast up to me today. I've only had three hours of sleep in total. Today is a write off. I may get up the energy to drag my butt downstairs so we can watch movies together or simply sit on the deck in the sun....if there's sun.

I'm tired guys. I'm just so very tired. I need the world to back away for a little while.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic72 I understand the depths of what you are thinking and feeling right now. I understand why you have your sister over to be with you to fend off the utter aloneness and all of the feelings of deep, deep, grief.

I only made it five months by myself and when my daughter asked me to move in with her I grabbed at the chance so hard and so fast. I did not nor could I deal with the empty house stuck with my feelings and grief. The false guilt was crushing me totally.

I have only lived on my own for almost a year next month and I am scrambling around looking for a place that will hire me. I understand when you want the whole world to leave you alone so you do not feel so overexposed.

It takes a long time to heal from this kind of wound that you have and that part really sucks.

As for your birthday, Happy Belated Birthday, but it is not happy at all in any sense of the word. All of the firsts of anything are going to be very hard to get through for you. I am so glad you do write it all down so you get some relief.

The first year is the hardest every step of the way. Feeling out of place is normal for what you are experiencing. Longing for a life lost is normal.

I lost all interest in everything except my family. I loved living with my two grandchildren and daughter. But I was still the odd man out in everything.

Only this last year have I begun to learn how to live life again. I am still learning and there are days that are so very difficult still.

I am not hugging my husbands shirt so much anymore but I keep it in my bedcovers. I will come back to this later I have to go to a employment agency and hepe that they will be able to help me. Take a lot of naps. It is a escape and your body needs the rest.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was ultra vulnerable the first year. There really are no words to fully express how really difficult the transition was from going from an a us to a me. Because of the dementia, I had lost him the last two years of his life. I had forgotten who he used to be. My phone would never ring each day. I had no support group of friends. I was so desperately needy and fragile.

 

[NarcSis]

Sometimes it gets really bad. Sometimes I just don't know how I get through it. I want those sometimes to end.

I'm feeling a little better but today as I'm struggling to find solace in his memories I was told, "You need to get out....like get out and get a hobby or something." Yeah, I know this is the umpteenth time I've told this story but at that very moment, I NEEDED to talk about him to someone. It just kept running through my mind as I bit down on my tongue and tried not to cry, that I have NO ONE to share my stories of him with. There is no one who WANTS to hear those things.

You know, i considered sending a text to my buddy to see if he would just humor me and allow me to write stories to him? Share stories of my husband to the one man in the world whose always seemed extremely uncomfortable or moody around me when i'd bring up my husband. I don't know why those two never got along.

I needed to get it out. I was searching for reasons to keep holding on. I was trying to find the good in the days leading up to his death. I was just trying to remember him and the love he gave to me. Nope, it's been three months, I need to get over him already and stop focusing on his being dead and start focusing on me being alive - unless you've been there you will never understand how difficult it is to even love life anymore or see a point to it.

I may eventually but now? Now i'm still too close.

God I miss him so intensely every second, every minute, every day.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can relate, people wanted me to start dating and volunteering and I would be like a broken record and kept say I am burned out beyond belief and I am not up to this. I will never date again because I am not interested at all. I still consider myself married and wear my wedding ring. I do not think I will ever stop wearing it.

I hate death. It closes a door to the person who dies and I can never again see them or have a relationship with them.

The loneliness is the worst. Feeling like the odd man out. Hating the word widow. Feeling jealous of all of the older couples that are still together. It is not as bad as it was so take heart you will begin to have good days and you will begin to feel better, but not yet. You have to go through the grief of having your other half amputated out of your life. That takes a while to adapt to. The grief comes in waves and all of the rest that goes with it.

:hug: