My husband died today

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic72 I am at a loss of how to best respond and so I am going to tread light okay? I had people trying to get me to volunteer and do other things and begin to date again, their time line not mine.

I think it is so awesome that you got away to go fishing and go on a hike. I am very proud of you for that. You know best what you need and want right now so I say trust your gut but do not trust in suicidal thoughts or imagine that route as a option. It is not an option for me that I made for myself and I had planned to take my life when my husband died and I did not tell anyone anything. But I chose to go on in spite of how difficult each day was.

The initial loneliness was too huge for me to cope with. Getting out of that home of bad memories was what I wanted and needed. And I made that happen.I am not telling you to do this at all.

I have begun to put happy faces on my good days on my calandar. I am having more and more good days, but it has been three years.I am also getting me back the old me that talked to strangers and had friends and interests.

This month was the three year mark for the anniversary for my husbands death and I had completely forgotten and actually felt pretty good about that. I never thought that I could have any kind of life without my husband. Of course I still miss him and know for a fact that he was my true soulmate and he loved me so much and I loved him so much. He was one of a kind and I am never going to date again.

Now I am honoring his memory by living my life that I thought I would never again have. I got a good fresh start this past year and I am doing things that I would never do before.

It takes real guts to wake up and get out of bed feeling the way you are right now. You are in the beginning of your mourning and it has not been that long for you since he died. Of course you feel overwhelmed. This is so uncharted territory for you. I remember how it was for me. All I really wanted to do was sleep and eat.

And yet today you did something that was so good for you doing such an awesome thing all by yourself and that deserves congratulations. even if you do not feel it does not make it unreal. It is a healthy baby step for you that I so admire.:hug::)

 

[NarcSis]

I called the crisis line tonight, not because I needed them but because I've never done it before. It felt strange, talking without much in the way of feedback, I think I prefer a conversation rather than just talking.

I was reassured that I can call and just cry if I can't talk, so that's good to know. Most of the time when I'm in crisis I can't talk and there's nothing more frightening than not being able to tell someone what you're feeling.

I'm pushing hard and I'm afraid I'm going to break. I don't feel like I have a choice but to push right now, it's either that or be swallowed up by circumstance. I'm going hiking with a local group tomorrow I'm terrified. I'm doing it out of desperation to put an end to the loneliness. I've scheduled coffee with an old work partner Friday. I'm afraid I'm going to wear myself out.

I spent today lying on the couch watching movies. I hardly slept last night. The good thing though, I napped today! I was never able to nap unless hubby or my sister was here but today, I pressed my face against the couch back where he used to sit and imagined it was him. I fell asleep in no time and I was out for two hours.

I cried several times today. Likely the lack of sleep making it harder for me to combat the grief.

I wrote today how I wake up very early every day and all I see is him sitting there on the end of the bed that morning. I wish I could change it. I wish i could make him stay in the room with me.

I wish I could know for sure what time it was when he got out of bed.

I wish I could go back and stop it from happening.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was haunted by my regrets for almost three years @Medic72 I was talking to a peer about it and I learned that I was suffering needlessly, I had so much faulty thinking. I am not saying that you are doing this. Once I really took a good look at my regrets and matched that against the truth, I finally began to start healing and no longer feel tormented by my regrets.

Good for you on making your own plans to get out of the house to be social and of course that would be scary, remember to take baby steps. You are very smart and clever. I am very proud of you for taking these giant steps and also for being able to take a nap on the couch. We heal when we are sleeping. That is the reason I took so many naps the first year.

You are still in the beginning of grieving and good for you on calling the hot line. It shows me your determianation and resolve to go on living anyway. Sending many hugs. Have fun on your outings.

 

[Heather]

Hugs @Medic72

 

[NarcSis]

And once again the universe plots against me....

I went on the hike, everyone seemed nice. I carpooled to the event with a stranger, she seemed nice. I took some pictures, wore my camera around my wrist. Felt damned proud of myself.

Got home and I can't find my camera - My husband gave me that camera for my birthday a few years back!!!!

I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I've been crying and feeling so stupid because I was SO EXHAUSTED at the end of the hike that I CANNOT remember the details of what I did!!

I've been begging him for forgiveness. How could I be so dumb that I can't even remember the sequence of events at the end of that hike!!??

I remember having the camera on my wrist at the end of the hike. I remember walking to the car. I remember drinking water I got out of a side pouch on my pack. I remember the carpool lady getting her keys out of my pack on my shoulder as we walked to the car. I remember opening the car door to her car and getting in. I remember seeing deer. I remember talking on the drive home. I remember getting out of the car, her inviting me for a hike nearby & promising to connect on IM. I remember fishing my keys out of the pack to open my door. I remember coming in, putting the pack down, taking my shoes off, grabbing my water bottle and my iPod off the front table; going to living room, IM-ing my sister, going into the kitchen, deciding to come up for a shower, getting dressed going back downstairs, having my sister call...making dinner...telling her about the pics I took and Then not being able to find my camera.

Please notice in my recollection the ONLY place I remember that camera is on my wrist at the end of the hike - NO CLUE what I did with it, where I put it or anything, just blank!!!

Uggh. I feel so horrible. I just want to scream. He gave me that camera, I treasured that camera! That camera has been on a million hikes and I've never lost it! Arrrrrgh!!!

I posted on fb that I lost the camera and that he gave it to me two years ago and I was so upset and sad and crying. People post sympathetic replies - my sister posts, "You've had that camera for at least four years." Ummmm what!!??? It's so not about How Long I've had the camera!!!!

I've sent an email to the conservation area to report it lost. I sent an IM to the carpool lady to check her car.

I feel so bad.

I'm sorry, Tin, please, I didn't mean to lose it, how could I lose it!?? He gave me that camera, the last camera he ever bought for me!!!!

 

[scout86]

If you can forgive him for killing himself, I think he'd forgive you for losing the camera. Assuming it's actually gone forever. Speaking as someone who once lost the car keys between the house and the car, it's not lost until it's been lost for a few days. (I found the keys. They were in the car. Fell down between the seats when I put some other stuff in.) I'm thinking you might have left it in her car, but what was the process of getting the water out of the pack? Hoping it turns up!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have done that with my new phone! You covered all of your bases and it most likely will turn up it may take some time but I hope that it is fine.

My mind seems always to go to the worst case and it usually turns out so much better. I tend to go into a panic and ramp up my stress levels and I feel for you since it was a gift from him.:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I'll say a prayer you find it or it's returned @Medic. :hug: :hug: xox

 

[NarcSis]

The panic and sinking feeling just envelope me so quickly, I just can't reason at all.

I fell asleep crying and thinking over and over, "I'm so sorry Tin, please, I didn't mean to lose it, please, Tinny, please help me."

It was a rough night. I only slept a bit before waking up, there was a lot of startling from noises, paranoia that someone was going to break in...just a rough nite.

I woke this morning to an IM from the woman I carpooled with and she found my camera in her car. She returned it to me this evening. My prayers were answered.

I went to lunch with my old partner, she's a strange one, very serious, very self oriented, difficult to make laugh...difficult to read and thus, difficult to trust. Other times she can be smiling, happy, borderline gentle and easy going. It was an interesting lunch - she was the former today. I felt like I was trying to be light enough for the both of us.

As is typical of medics, she spoke of work - oh yay - quite frankly I could give a crap about their political bullshite. My husband is dead. I no longer work there, none of it matters anymore. They could all drop dead for all I care, get eaten by zombies, die in a tornado, I really do not care, it would make no difference to my life.

So yeah, lunch was "okay" today. I didn't get to talk much about him. She's always so focused on wanting to know who he was working with; I know who it was, I'm not f'ing telling her. I'm sorry if none of them can be trusted anymore but that's how I feel.

I came home and spent the rest of my day in the garden. Sad when you can't wait to come home to start weeding.

I can smell him right now. Strong, like he's here. I've kissed his shirt, told him I love him and that I've got him, he's safe and loved and I will love him to the ends of the universe and back. I closed my eyes and imagined holding his hand.

I miss him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic72 I understand the ache about missing your husband. You have suffered such trauma in this experience and my heart reaches out to your heart.

I remember how difficult it was to start over and try to build a social life for myself. It was so hard, but the loneliness kept me trying.

I knew you would find your camera! I lost my phone and it was in my car! I no longer carry it in my pocket and put it in my purse now. A couple of times I looked for my phone and I was using it to talk to someone! You are not alone at all.

I think that you have been very wise in not getting rid of his things yet. I have so many regrets, I guess live and learn. I have heard that not to make any rash decisions the first year and all I did was make rash decisions from the moment he was diagnosed with dementia.

Luckily I have managed to rebuild and also have some sort of a social life now. Now I am at the stage where I am getting me back. It only took three years.

It really sucks but the truth is you will probably always miss him. But you will heal the deep wounds you have now.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Kept busy today. Tried to keep the memory at bay, but it hit me while I was eating dinner. I burst into tears around a mouthful of food. It didn't last long, I wouldn't let it.

I don't like to think of that day anymore. I prefer to think he's here with me, there's more comfort in that than there is thinking he died alone and scared. I "hold his hand" in bed at night - I gather up a chunk of his blanket in my hand and pretend he's here with me. I kiss him goodnight; I hug and kiss him (his shirt) every morning. I talk to him. I tell him I need him, I promise to keep holding his hand forever, I remind him how much I love him.

I tell him I wish I could have been there with him, so he could feel my love as he died. I tell him I was holding his hand, I was always holding his hand and he was never alone.

I try not to think of that day. I want to remember us dancing; him singing to me; hugging one another and long stares into each other's eyes. I want to remember the love.

The love didn't die, as long as I breathe, that love still exists.

I miss him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I know that you miss him.:hug: