D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #638
Just keep smiling until she's gone tomorrow then I can break down. Then I can be me again.
I don't know how many times I've tried not to burst into tears today. The sadness is needing to come out in those soul crushing howls again and I know she just won't understand. I'd just scare and worry her.
I was in my room writing the other morning and my sister woke up, saw my door open and assumed I was downstairs. She said when she didn't find me there she started to panic.
That's what I don't need. I don't need to be the reason someone else can't sleep.
I'm really missing him. I wrote to him today. I apologized for not writing in weeks. Writing to him always ends up with my begging, asking why, pleading with him to come back to be with me. I don't like getting caught in that spiral because it's too painful. I'm trying to find a way to change it, to talk to him so I'm not so sad.
He haunts my basement. What I mean by that is that each time I'm going descend those stairs I think of his going down those stairs that morning. I keep expecting to walk in on him down there doing whatever it was he did - getting the gun, maybe crying. I keep hoping one morning I'll wake up and he'll be in the basement crying, holding his gun and telling me he's sorry.
I know he has to be. How could anyone leave a love like ours? Why did I have to be the unlucky one? Why did it have to be him? Why not someone else's husband?
I just want to see him there so I can go to him and hold him and tell him I love him and that everything is okay now, he has no more worries and I will always love him "to the ends of the universe and back again, just like I promised."
I just want to hold him and tell him it's okay. He's okay. I've got him. I'll hold him tight forever.
I miss him so much today.
I don't know how many times I've tried not to burst into tears today. The sadness is needing to come out in those soul crushing howls again and I know she just won't understand. I'd just scare and worry her.
I was in my room writing the other morning and my sister woke up, saw my door open and assumed I was downstairs. She said when she didn't find me there she started to panic.
That's what I don't need. I don't need to be the reason someone else can't sleep.
I'm really missing him. I wrote to him today. I apologized for not writing in weeks. Writing to him always ends up with my begging, asking why, pleading with him to come back to be with me. I don't like getting caught in that spiral because it's too painful. I'm trying to find a way to change it, to talk to him so I'm not so sad.
He haunts my basement. What I mean by that is that each time I'm going descend those stairs I think of his going down those stairs that morning. I keep expecting to walk in on him down there doing whatever it was he did - getting the gun, maybe crying. I keep hoping one morning I'll wake up and he'll be in the basement crying, holding his gun and telling me he's sorry.
I know he has to be. How could anyone leave a love like ours? Why did I have to be the unlucky one? Why did it have to be him? Why not someone else's husband?
I just want to see him there so I can go to him and hold him and tell him I love him and that everything is okay now, he has no more worries and I will always love him "to the ends of the universe and back again, just like I promised."
I just want to hold him and tell him it's okay. He's okay. I've got him. I'll hold him tight forever.
I miss him so much today.
D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
- Post starter
- #640
I just love reading all of these suicide prevention pages where they repeatedly tell people that they "are needed in the world." I hate to say it but unless you're standing in the shoes of the person who is considering suicide, you can't make that statement, it's a ridiculous blanket appeasement statement. In order for an individual to truly believe that they have a purpose in the world, that their life has meaning, you have to give them a specific example that applies directly to them and is taken from their experience of the world.
I used to say to my husband, when someone says things like, "Think about X person and how you'd be hurting them" It's using emotional manipulation to gain compliance and when you're being emotionally manipulated, it does not feel good, it is something you will comply with begrudgingly and hold against someone else. I'd say to him, "I wouldn't want to stay alive to make someone else's life easier, to exist in misery just so that they can be happy? I don't ever want to be guilted into staying alive for someone." It's the wrong approach. What I was trying to say is that , if you're considering me "selfish" for wanting to die, then yeah, I am being selfish, so appeal to me on that level, give me a reason the applies only to me, something that makes me feel good about being me because wanting to die IS about me and MY life, not anyone else's.
We talked about this only two weeks before he died, on the morning they found the cop dead in his car from a self inflicted gunshot wound. I said to him that my sister considered suicide to be a selfish thing to do. He agreed with me that it wasn't. But then I played devil's advocate and said, that when it comes down to it, really it is in that it is only about You. When you're trapped in that little box there is no "outside world", there is no "other people", there is only you and your pain and it covers everything you try to see. You rationalize how others will react, you see their lives as better without Your interference, when in reality, there's no way you can know what their life is like or will be like. My life is hell now. My pain is far greater than any pain I'd ever imagined. Each time I wanted to die before he killed himself, I thought that was the worst pain in the world but now, I know the depths that pain can get to.
I always worry that I made it okay for him in some way. I spoke about how I didn't blame the guy for killing himself, because some people just can't take any more. At some point everyone has to reach a breaking point when the load they are carrying is too much. "Some people aren't as strong as those of us who survive and keep fighting." My husband never saw himself as "strong". Inside that stoic, man on the pedestal was this scared guy who doubted himself, had a hard time believing in his strength and often backed away from taking on challenges because of it. He told me often that "the worst person to ever go up against is the guy who has nothing to lose." In his mind, he had nothing to lose on that day, he'd already lost it all in his mind - his job, our home, his life.
I have felt so often that I had nothing left in this life, other than him, there was no real point to my life after I lost my job. I couldn't accept living with PTSD, altered and nowhere near the person I used to be. Each time I tried to stand up against it, I was kicked back down. Eventually you just learn to stay down. Even now, with my husband gone, having to face life on my own out of necessity and pure survival now? I am still so afraid that these little successes I've had will be suddenly taken from me and I'll be put back in my "crazy box" where I belong. My employer took every ounce of self worth I had left in this world. I don't know where to go to find it again. The sad thing is, is that right now, I've got nothing to live for and no reason to care what happens to me, so in all honesty, I feel like I can pretty well thumb my nose at them because there's nothing left to take from me, they've taken it all already. My husband was everything to me.
I told him I could never blame a person for taking their own life. He took his own life only two weeks later. I couldn't blame him. I blamed his circumstances. It wasn't him. He wouldn't do that...and yet, he did. I blame my employer because I can and because I will for what they've already done to me. I blame that job because of what it had already taken from me. I blame that physiotherapist (who I hope dies a horrible death) because he was ultimately the last straw who created this perfect storm that resulted in my husband seeing now way but death. I blame his family for creating such a poor early environment for him to grow up in. I blame everyone and everything including myself but I will never blame him for not wanting to stay alive and face anymore hardship in this life.
I don't care what happens to me anymore and I wonder if that is what is making things so easy for me now. I don't care if I trigger. I don't care if my employer f^cks me over anymore, I really don't care because they've already taken my only reason to be alive. They took my heart and they extinguished the last flame left.
My husband always felt that life was against him. We always used to say (after all this sh*t started with my employer) that it was Us against The World. Now it's just me and frankly, the world can go F itself. I don't care anymore. I just want to be me, existing in the way only I can exist.
I've got nothing left but life itself. It's a consolation prize. It's what you're left with when society takes you, scrambles you and spits you back out.
On the bright side, I may get a dog soon. They're doing a home visit with the dog tomorrow. Once I get him, I want the world to leave us alone. I don't want any more interference in my life. I just want to go back to existing, I've been in survival mode for too long. I don't want to be alone anymore.
I used to say to my husband, when someone says things like, "Think about X person and how you'd be hurting them" It's using emotional manipulation to gain compliance and when you're being emotionally manipulated, it does not feel good, it is something you will comply with begrudgingly and hold against someone else. I'd say to him, "I wouldn't want to stay alive to make someone else's life easier, to exist in misery just so that they can be happy? I don't ever want to be guilted into staying alive for someone." It's the wrong approach. What I was trying to say is that , if you're considering me "selfish" for wanting to die, then yeah, I am being selfish, so appeal to me on that level, give me a reason the applies only to me, something that makes me feel good about being me because wanting to die IS about me and MY life, not anyone else's.
We talked about this only two weeks before he died, on the morning they found the cop dead in his car from a self inflicted gunshot wound. I said to him that my sister considered suicide to be a selfish thing to do. He agreed with me that it wasn't. But then I played devil's advocate and said, that when it comes down to it, really it is in that it is only about You. When you're trapped in that little box there is no "outside world", there is no "other people", there is only you and your pain and it covers everything you try to see. You rationalize how others will react, you see their lives as better without Your interference, when in reality, there's no way you can know what their life is like or will be like. My life is hell now. My pain is far greater than any pain I'd ever imagined. Each time I wanted to die before he killed himself, I thought that was the worst pain in the world but now, I know the depths that pain can get to.
I always worry that I made it okay for him in some way. I spoke about how I didn't blame the guy for killing himself, because some people just can't take any more. At some point everyone has to reach a breaking point when the load they are carrying is too much. "Some people aren't as strong as those of us who survive and keep fighting." My husband never saw himself as "strong". Inside that stoic, man on the pedestal was this scared guy who doubted himself, had a hard time believing in his strength and often backed away from taking on challenges because of it. He told me often that "the worst person to ever go up against is the guy who has nothing to lose." In his mind, he had nothing to lose on that day, he'd already lost it all in his mind - his job, our home, his life.
I have felt so often that I had nothing left in this life, other than him, there was no real point to my life after I lost my job. I couldn't accept living with PTSD, altered and nowhere near the person I used to be. Each time I tried to stand up against it, I was kicked back down. Eventually you just learn to stay down. Even now, with my husband gone, having to face life on my own out of necessity and pure survival now? I am still so afraid that these little successes I've had will be suddenly taken from me and I'll be put back in my "crazy box" where I belong. My employer took every ounce of self worth I had left in this world. I don't know where to go to find it again. The sad thing is, is that right now, I've got nothing to live for and no reason to care what happens to me, so in all honesty, I feel like I can pretty well thumb my nose at them because there's nothing left to take from me, they've taken it all already. My husband was everything to me.
I told him I could never blame a person for taking their own life. He took his own life only two weeks later. I couldn't blame him. I blamed his circumstances. It wasn't him. He wouldn't do that...and yet, he did. I blame my employer because I can and because I will for what they've already done to me. I blame that job because of what it had already taken from me. I blame that physiotherapist (who I hope dies a horrible death) because he was ultimately the last straw who created this perfect storm that resulted in my husband seeing now way but death. I blame his family for creating such a poor early environment for him to grow up in. I blame everyone and everything including myself but I will never blame him for not wanting to stay alive and face anymore hardship in this life.
I don't care what happens to me anymore and I wonder if that is what is making things so easy for me now. I don't care if I trigger. I don't care if my employer f^cks me over anymore, I really don't care because they've already taken my only reason to be alive. They took my heart and they extinguished the last flame left.
My husband always felt that life was against him. We always used to say (after all this sh*t started with my employer) that it was Us against The World. Now it's just me and frankly, the world can go F itself. I don't care anymore. I just want to be me, existing in the way only I can exist.
I've got nothing left but life itself. It's a consolation prize. It's what you're left with when society takes you, scrambles you and spits you back out.
On the bright side, I may get a dog soon. They're doing a home visit with the dog tomorrow. Once I get him, I want the world to leave us alone. I don't want any more interference in my life. I just want to go back to existing, I've been in survival mode for too long. I don't want to be alone anymore.
ms spock
VIP Member
:hug:
- Post starter
- #642
I pick up the dog next weekend. He's very sedate, calm, just happy to sniff around explore a bit then lie down and stretch out on the floor. He's apparently very quiet, loves lounging but when we took him in the backyard he totally perked up. He was also pretty proud of himself coming up the stairs to inspect the whole house. I'm very anxious about how to look after him and whether I'll do things right by the dog.
After I got the confirmation email, I looked up at the picture of my husband and said, "Tin, we're going to be parents, just like we always wanted." and then I burst into tears. I've been crying off and on since then. I'm doing this on my own. This is my first real big responsibility since my husband died and really since the onset of the PTSD and I'm terrified that I'm going to screw it up. I know nothing about having an inside dog, even though he's adult and he's housebroken, I know rescues can be timid and have accidents. I don't want to end up being a bitch to the dog. I want to try to be good with him. I want to be the home he needs. My new hiking friend is going shopping with me tomorrow to buy all the pet supplies I will need. I'm so scared.
Next Sunday I will hit the 6 month mark since my husband died. It doesn't seem like six months at all. It seems like a week. I would swear it was just last week we were planning out the week off. Or just a few days ago that I reached over to rub his back in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. I got into bed tonight and said to his shirt, "Tin, how can you be gone? I still don't understand. You were just here. You were just here and I was just rubbing your back. We were snugging and happy, Tin. Wasn't that just yesterday?" How can it be six months already? I've been writing in here for six months???? Didn't I just blink my eyes?
It hurts extra tonight because I'm doing something big and I'm doing it without him. He should be here for this! He should be here, he is the "daddy", he's supposed to be here for this!
I get super sad when i think that if he were still here, we wouldn't be getting a dog. We wouldn't have been able to afford it with me not working. There would be no extra income, paid off mortgage or bills taken care of; he'd still be struggling to make ends meet and we'd still be living check to check like we were. It makes me upset to think that these things I get to enjoy now are all because he died. I only have money because he's dead. I don't like that. Each time I get something with that money to try to make me happy, I just end up feeling guilty and sad because WE can't enjoy this together. We were supposed to be together. I'm not supposed to be doing these things on my own. I'm not supposed to be spending his money on things for me, WE should have spent it on things for US.
WE were supposed to have a dog. WE were supposed to be happy. If we'd had this money BEFORE and were able to get a dog, would that have saved him? Would he still be alive right now? Would his mood have improved? Would the dog have helped????? I tried so hard to get a PTSD service dog but was always fed the same spiel, either you're TOO BAD to own a dog or you're NOT BAD ENOUGH. I never understood which one I was because it depended on the organization!! If someone had only let me get a stupid dog back then, would he still be alive now?? Would it have been that one little thing that changed the course of events?
I tell the rescue that my husband passed away and that, full disclosure, I have PTSD and they practically threw the dog at me because he needs someone to love him and I need someone to love. There was no hesitation on their part, where the service dog people were asking if I had a large circle of friends, if I was "safe", what would happen to the dog if I wasn't "safe" and was I in regular in-office therapy because apparently phone therapy doesn't count in their books. The foster mom said to me, "Ohhh, you really need each other." and she almost made me cry right there. I didn't get any third degree, I didn't get any doubting about my safety around the dog and I didn't get second-guessed in my coping ability or my ability to look after the dog. There was none of this, "Well, this dog represents a huge investment in training...." as though any other dog doesn't. Any dog is a huge investment, in time, in energy, in finances, who says my dog isn't going to be just as good as any service dog?
It makes me sad when I think that my husband will never meet him and he'll never be able to hike with us or play ball or just hang around petting him. He could have used a dog to help him. Why couldn't things be different? Why couldn't he just still be alive? I just want him here with me.
After I got the confirmation email, I looked up at the picture of my husband and said, "Tin, we're going to be parents, just like we always wanted." and then I burst into tears. I've been crying off and on since then. I'm doing this on my own. This is my first real big responsibility since my husband died and really since the onset of the PTSD and I'm terrified that I'm going to screw it up. I know nothing about having an inside dog, even though he's adult and he's housebroken, I know rescues can be timid and have accidents. I don't want to end up being a bitch to the dog. I want to try to be good with him. I want to be the home he needs. My new hiking friend is going shopping with me tomorrow to buy all the pet supplies I will need. I'm so scared.
Next Sunday I will hit the 6 month mark since my husband died. It doesn't seem like six months at all. It seems like a week. I would swear it was just last week we were planning out the week off. Or just a few days ago that I reached over to rub his back in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. I got into bed tonight and said to his shirt, "Tin, how can you be gone? I still don't understand. You were just here. You were just here and I was just rubbing your back. We were snugging and happy, Tin. Wasn't that just yesterday?" How can it be six months already? I've been writing in here for six months???? Didn't I just blink my eyes?
It hurts extra tonight because I'm doing something big and I'm doing it without him. He should be here for this! He should be here, he is the "daddy", he's supposed to be here for this!
I get super sad when i think that if he were still here, we wouldn't be getting a dog. We wouldn't have been able to afford it with me not working. There would be no extra income, paid off mortgage or bills taken care of; he'd still be struggling to make ends meet and we'd still be living check to check like we were. It makes me upset to think that these things I get to enjoy now are all because he died. I only have money because he's dead. I don't like that. Each time I get something with that money to try to make me happy, I just end up feeling guilty and sad because WE can't enjoy this together. We were supposed to be together. I'm not supposed to be doing these things on my own. I'm not supposed to be spending his money on things for me, WE should have spent it on things for US.
WE were supposed to have a dog. WE were supposed to be happy. If we'd had this money BEFORE and were able to get a dog, would that have saved him? Would he still be alive right now? Would his mood have improved? Would the dog have helped????? I tried so hard to get a PTSD service dog but was always fed the same spiel, either you're TOO BAD to own a dog or you're NOT BAD ENOUGH. I never understood which one I was because it depended on the organization!! If someone had only let me get a stupid dog back then, would he still be alive now?? Would it have been that one little thing that changed the course of events?
I tell the rescue that my husband passed away and that, full disclosure, I have PTSD and they practically threw the dog at me because he needs someone to love him and I need someone to love. There was no hesitation on their part, where the service dog people were asking if I had a large circle of friends, if I was "safe", what would happen to the dog if I wasn't "safe" and was I in regular in-office therapy because apparently phone therapy doesn't count in their books. The foster mom said to me, "Ohhh, you really need each other." and she almost made me cry right there. I didn't get any third degree, I didn't get any doubting about my safety around the dog and I didn't get second-guessed in my coping ability or my ability to look after the dog. There was none of this, "Well, this dog represents a huge investment in training...." as though any other dog doesn't. Any dog is a huge investment, in time, in energy, in finances, who says my dog isn't going to be just as good as any service dog?
It makes me sad when I think that my husband will never meet him and he'll never be able to hike with us or play ball or just hang around petting him. He could have used a dog to help him. Why couldn't things be different? Why couldn't he just still be alive? I just want him here with me.
The Albatross
VIP Member
If you're not sure what to do Medic, there's a whole cadre of people here who do. Congratulations on your fuzzy new friend.
- Post starter
- #645
So this will be a bit of an angry rant session, I apologize to everyone. I am so triggered right now it's unbelievable.
So last evening I posted on FB that I was getting a dog and that I wished Tin could be here to meet him and that he would have made a great "Da". I posted a pic of the dog and this morning (after a horrible night last night!) I open my email to a message from my Brother In Law asking me if I'm getting a dog!!!! Okay, why is this so triggering??? Because I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH HIS BROTHER ON FB and WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF THE SAME PEOPLE!!!! So how in hell does this guy know I'm getting a dog?? How in hell is he so familiar with what is going on with my life??? BECAUSE THEY'RE SPYING ON ME!! Why? I have no f*cking clue, maybe they blame me for Tin's death, I don't know what could go through their screwed up minds, all I know is that Tin always said to be careful of his family and NOT TRUST THEM!!! Why would anyone say that about their own family??? I bet THIS is why!
My paranoia is through the roof right now. I'm afraid to go near the f*cking windows, are they spying for their own reasons or are they working against me for my employer??? I just don't know anything any more and I wish he was here to protect me. That's all he ever did was protect me! What do they want from ME? Where the F were they the entire time he was ALIVE ??? Why do they want to know what's going on in my life now??? Why should they even care, they never cared about what was going on in his life!! Those F'ing bastards!!!!
I checked my security logs on FB and saw that my page had been accessed from different cities that are no where near me and from Mac computers which we don't own but I do know this is his brother's favorite piece of hardware!! My sessions were logged as my town, my IOS, so I know which ones weren't me!! It's been going on for MONTHS! Like since the month after he died!
The thing that REALLY pisses me off is that his mother said as much to me on the phone once, she said and I quote, "Well because I work for the social services offices, you know for welfare, we can check to see if anyone is scamming on their social assistance by monitoring their facebook and social media accounts. I know how to hack into those things so we can check up on people, so they better be careful what they say on social media." I guess she didn't realize that since my husband told me to never trust them and that I was transcribing every phone session we had. When we had this conversation, it was oddly just after I hinted that he had a bad upbringing and her tone sounded threatening. Lord help that woman if she is spying on me for NO REASON when I'm not on her caseload. I would take her job, her house, her entire f*cking life from her - all the things she SHOULD have given to her son over the years I will make sure she will never have again!!
Who the F are these people who never once lifted a finger to come to see us over the past 12 years!? What right do they think they have to his life after they all but abandoned him like he was some kind of stranger!? Did they see him cry because he needed his family? Did they hear his words of anger when they'd selfishly call to talk only about themselves and not give him a single How Are You??? Did they see how hurt he was by their "abandoning" him?? That's what he called it, those aren't my words, he'd cry and say that his whole family abandoned him and moved "down there" leaving me here alone and they don't even bother to come to see me or talk to me like I don't even matter to them. They never felt any of that. I DID! I saw how hurt he was. I held him while he cried. I tried to correct the wrongs that they did to him!! F'ing psycho ridiculous b*stards!!
What now? What!? What more do they want??? What do they want from ME!? I can't give them him back. If they wanted a f*cking relationship with him they should have f*cking tried harder WHILE HE WAS ALIVE!!! What can they do now?? What are they looking for? His brother showed me some link to his kickstarter company - what was it my husband always said to me? NEVER trust his family with money!!! Now what? Is that it? They think I inherited loads of cash from him??? He had next to nothing, the $40g I have is going to somehow have to last me until I die, when is that? 30? 40 years from now??? What do they want from me?
I wish I could PROVE it was them spying on me. I wish I could prove it and I'd slap them with a violation of privacy lawsuit that would have their heads spinning. If they want to talk to me, my door has always been open. I'VE TOLD THEM THAT but they still will not come here. They'd rather sneak around in the shadows being f*cking creepy. My BIL went so far as to hint around at wanting to go travelling and needing a "travel partner", at first I thought it was a nice gesture, right, innocently thinking he's trying to make a relationship with me because of his guilt for not having a closer relationship with his brother, but then I spoke to my sister and she said, "You don't know those people! How do you know this guy doesn't blame you for Tin's death!? How do you know he wouldn't take you somewhere and kill you? He's a weird, creepy quiet guy, you don't know what's going on in that head of his. He could make it look like an accident - people fall of cruise ships all the time!"
Sadly she's right. I DO NOT know this man. I'm only very briefly acquainted with him, My hubby was always worried about his brother possibly having a deep depression. He's highly intelligent and this can often coincide with some pretty deep mental illness. From all accounts from my husband his Dad totally fit the profile for a Borderline and his mom fit the bill for a Narcissist. I do not know these people at all. I can pretend I do but underneath all the nicey, nicey, small talk, I do NOT KNOW what they are capable of. My husband was essentially my shield and now he's gone. I don't know what they want from me and I'm completely triggered and feel unsafe and I don't know how to put an end to it.
My sister said just give them back what they gave him all these years...silence. Stop answering their emails. Stop returning calls. Just stop contacting them in any way and they'll get the hint. It's totally making me doubt the new friend I have - how convenient that she's from Glasgow, from near where his mom grew up, and that she LOOKS eerily like his mother!! Is SHE related in some way to his mother!? She could be a MUCH younger version of her!
I just feel so violated. I just don't understand what they want from me? Do they blame me? Do they think I killed him? How could I f*cking kill him I don't even know anything about those f*cking guns!! Look at that, I found the trigger lock from his shotgun downstairs the other day, it's a SPIN CODE LOCK! I didn't even know this, I thought he was moving keys around hiding them from me in the basement ! It was code locked, so is the other gun that's still down there, I don't know what the codes are !!! THAT is how much I even knew about those stupid guns he had in this house!!! HE KNEW IT ALL. ONLY HIM! There is NO WAY, I could have killed him I didn't even know how to unlock his stupid guns!
I wish he'd killed me. I'll never have the guts or the know how to do it right. Why didn't he just kill me too? Why did he leave me here alone? I hate being alone? He was the only one who ever protected me and I feel so completely vulnerable and alone right now. I need him more than anything right now. I just need him to make me feel safe...to keep them away and off my back. Why won't they just go away? They weren't here to begin with, just f*cking leave and go back to where they were! They didn't exist in OUR life!
He was reaching out to them repeatedly through email over the fall, he was doing a lot of reminiscing about his childhood, wondering about where his dad was now, thinking about "better times" when they actually had "fun" with their parents. He was asking his mom about things they did as kids. I remember one day he closed his computer and said to me, "Typical, when I get talking about things my mom doesn't like talking about, she just doesn't bother answering. We were having a good conversation back and forth over the last few days and I brought up X topic and now, suddenly, no answer from her. I probably won't hear from her for months now." He was very upset and I remember I hugged him because, well, what else could I do? She repeatedly hurt him that way all of his life - when the conversation went to things he needed to talk about and she didn't like talking about, boom, no contact or end of conversation and hang up the phone. I was always trying to pick up the pieces and make them better after he spoke with his mom or his brother. He always felt they would "scheme" together without him.
I remember he once got his mom to type up his resume and when she sent it back to him she accidentally sent a copy of her resume stuck to the back of his - he was utterly shocked at the things she had written on it, 90% lies! She completely misrepresented herself and he was so ashamed of it because he was such a By The Book, Never Lie, Law Abiding type of person. He was a cop once for crying out loud. Another time he searched his brother online and found a copy of his resume and again, there were things on it that he said his brother could not have ever done and again, he said he was ashamed to be related to them. That's likely the day he decided that his family was potentially dangerous to his reputation.
Oh where is he now when I need him to tell them to back off? I need to know for sure this is them and I need them to back the F off and just leave me to MY life - it's MY life now, it was never their life, they were never a part of MY life and they were never a part of OUR life! I hope they just go away.
I need my husband!!!
So last evening I posted on FB that I was getting a dog and that I wished Tin could be here to meet him and that he would have made a great "Da". I posted a pic of the dog and this morning (after a horrible night last night!) I open my email to a message from my Brother In Law asking me if I'm getting a dog!!!! Okay, why is this so triggering??? Because I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH HIS BROTHER ON FB and WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF THE SAME PEOPLE!!!! So how in hell does this guy know I'm getting a dog?? How in hell is he so familiar with what is going on with my life??? BECAUSE THEY'RE SPYING ON ME!! Why? I have no f*cking clue, maybe they blame me for Tin's death, I don't know what could go through their screwed up minds, all I know is that Tin always said to be careful of his family and NOT TRUST THEM!!! Why would anyone say that about their own family??? I bet THIS is why!
My paranoia is through the roof right now. I'm afraid to go near the f*cking windows, are they spying for their own reasons or are they working against me for my employer??? I just don't know anything any more and I wish he was here to protect me. That's all he ever did was protect me! What do they want from ME? Where the F were they the entire time he was ALIVE ??? Why do they want to know what's going on in my life now??? Why should they even care, they never cared about what was going on in his life!! Those F'ing bastards!!!!
I checked my security logs on FB and saw that my page had been accessed from different cities that are no where near me and from Mac computers which we don't own but I do know this is his brother's favorite piece of hardware!! My sessions were logged as my town, my IOS, so I know which ones weren't me!! It's been going on for MONTHS! Like since the month after he died!
The thing that REALLY pisses me off is that his mother said as much to me on the phone once, she said and I quote, "Well because I work for the social services offices, you know for welfare, we can check to see if anyone is scamming on their social assistance by monitoring their facebook and social media accounts. I know how to hack into those things so we can check up on people, so they better be careful what they say on social media." I guess she didn't realize that since my husband told me to never trust them and that I was transcribing every phone session we had. When we had this conversation, it was oddly just after I hinted that he had a bad upbringing and her tone sounded threatening. Lord help that woman if she is spying on me for NO REASON when I'm not on her caseload. I would take her job, her house, her entire f*cking life from her - all the things she SHOULD have given to her son over the years I will make sure she will never have again!!
Who the F are these people who never once lifted a finger to come to see us over the past 12 years!? What right do they think they have to his life after they all but abandoned him like he was some kind of stranger!? Did they see him cry because he needed his family? Did they hear his words of anger when they'd selfishly call to talk only about themselves and not give him a single How Are You??? Did they see how hurt he was by their "abandoning" him?? That's what he called it, those aren't my words, he'd cry and say that his whole family abandoned him and moved "down there" leaving me here alone and they don't even bother to come to see me or talk to me like I don't even matter to them. They never felt any of that. I DID! I saw how hurt he was. I held him while he cried. I tried to correct the wrongs that they did to him!! F'ing psycho ridiculous b*stards!!
What now? What!? What more do they want??? What do they want from ME!? I can't give them him back. If they wanted a f*cking relationship with him they should have f*cking tried harder WHILE HE WAS ALIVE!!! What can they do now?? What are they looking for? His brother showed me some link to his kickstarter company - what was it my husband always said to me? NEVER trust his family with money!!! Now what? Is that it? They think I inherited loads of cash from him??? He had next to nothing, the $40g I have is going to somehow have to last me until I die, when is that? 30? 40 years from now??? What do they want from me?
I wish I could PROVE it was them spying on me. I wish I could prove it and I'd slap them with a violation of privacy lawsuit that would have their heads spinning. If they want to talk to me, my door has always been open. I'VE TOLD THEM THAT but they still will not come here. They'd rather sneak around in the shadows being f*cking creepy. My BIL went so far as to hint around at wanting to go travelling and needing a "travel partner", at first I thought it was a nice gesture, right, innocently thinking he's trying to make a relationship with me because of his guilt for not having a closer relationship with his brother, but then I spoke to my sister and she said, "You don't know those people! How do you know this guy doesn't blame you for Tin's death!? How do you know he wouldn't take you somewhere and kill you? He's a weird, creepy quiet guy, you don't know what's going on in that head of his. He could make it look like an accident - people fall of cruise ships all the time!"
Sadly she's right. I DO NOT know this man. I'm only very briefly acquainted with him, My hubby was always worried about his brother possibly having a deep depression. He's highly intelligent and this can often coincide with some pretty deep mental illness. From all accounts from my husband his Dad totally fit the profile for a Borderline and his mom fit the bill for a Narcissist. I do not know these people at all. I can pretend I do but underneath all the nicey, nicey, small talk, I do NOT KNOW what they are capable of. My husband was essentially my shield and now he's gone. I don't know what they want from me and I'm completely triggered and feel unsafe and I don't know how to put an end to it.
My sister said just give them back what they gave him all these years...silence. Stop answering their emails. Stop returning calls. Just stop contacting them in any way and they'll get the hint. It's totally making me doubt the new friend I have - how convenient that she's from Glasgow, from near where his mom grew up, and that she LOOKS eerily like his mother!! Is SHE related in some way to his mother!? She could be a MUCH younger version of her!
I just feel so violated. I just don't understand what they want from me? Do they blame me? Do they think I killed him? How could I f*cking kill him I don't even know anything about those f*cking guns!! Look at that, I found the trigger lock from his shotgun downstairs the other day, it's a SPIN CODE LOCK! I didn't even know this, I thought he was moving keys around hiding them from me in the basement ! It was code locked, so is the other gun that's still down there, I don't know what the codes are !!! THAT is how much I even knew about those stupid guns he had in this house!!! HE KNEW IT ALL. ONLY HIM! There is NO WAY, I could have killed him I didn't even know how to unlock his stupid guns!
I wish he'd killed me. I'll never have the guts or the know how to do it right. Why didn't he just kill me too? Why did he leave me here alone? I hate being alone? He was the only one who ever protected me and I feel so completely vulnerable and alone right now. I need him more than anything right now. I just need him to make me feel safe...to keep them away and off my back. Why won't they just go away? They weren't here to begin with, just f*cking leave and go back to where they were! They didn't exist in OUR life!
He was reaching out to them repeatedly through email over the fall, he was doing a lot of reminiscing about his childhood, wondering about where his dad was now, thinking about "better times" when they actually had "fun" with their parents. He was asking his mom about things they did as kids. I remember one day he closed his computer and said to me, "Typical, when I get talking about things my mom doesn't like talking about, she just doesn't bother answering. We were having a good conversation back and forth over the last few days and I brought up X topic and now, suddenly, no answer from her. I probably won't hear from her for months now." He was very upset and I remember I hugged him because, well, what else could I do? She repeatedly hurt him that way all of his life - when the conversation went to things he needed to talk about and she didn't like talking about, boom, no contact or end of conversation and hang up the phone. I was always trying to pick up the pieces and make them better after he spoke with his mom or his brother. He always felt they would "scheme" together without him.
I remember he once got his mom to type up his resume and when she sent it back to him she accidentally sent a copy of her resume stuck to the back of his - he was utterly shocked at the things she had written on it, 90% lies! She completely misrepresented herself and he was so ashamed of it because he was such a By The Book, Never Lie, Law Abiding type of person. He was a cop once for crying out loud. Another time he searched his brother online and found a copy of his resume and again, there were things on it that he said his brother could not have ever done and again, he said he was ashamed to be related to them. That's likely the day he decided that his family was potentially dangerous to his reputation.
Oh where is he now when I need him to tell them to back off? I need to know for sure this is them and I need them to back the F off and just leave me to MY life - it's MY life now, it was never their life, they were never a part of MY life and they were never a part of OUR life! I hope they just go away.
I need my husband!!!
ms spock
VIP Member
I feel for what you are going through.
I am VERY glad that you have gotten a dog! You so need some TLC right now. So here is a :hug:
I am VERY glad that you have gotten a dog! You so need some TLC right now. So here is a :hug:
Oh @Medic72 - I agree with your sister! Remove these people from your life entirely. They were not close to your husband. They were and are not close to you. Have nothing more to do with them. They appear to be motivated by greed or malice and don't genuinely care for you.
I hope that your dog has arrived and that he is settling in nicely. Dogs are not hard to care for. All you need to do is feed / water him and love him. Our dogs are not trained assistance dogs but they give my vet a reason to get up every day. Your dog will listen like no human can. You can tell him everything. There is no danger of him judging you or repeating any of it to someone else. You can talk to him about his Da. He will sit with you while you cry - even if that is all day. He will walk with you. He will always be pleased to see you.
Hugs if you accept them.
I hope that your dog has arrived and that he is settling in nicely. Dogs are not hard to care for. All you need to do is feed / water him and love him. Our dogs are not trained assistance dogs but they give my vet a reason to get up every day. Your dog will listen like no human can. You can tell him everything. There is no danger of him judging you or repeating any of it to someone else. You can talk to him about his Da. He will sit with you while you cry - even if that is all day. He will walk with you. He will always be pleased to see you.
Hugs if you accept them.
- Post starter
- #648
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Ever since I erased the Open Sessions on my FB security log, changed my password and log-in email (and reported the violation to FB!) my network has been screwy. It cuts out repeatedly and keeps asking me for log-in data even though I'm logged in already. My email addresses keep saying that I need to enter my passwords again when I go to push my email. There is totally something fishy going on with my internet right now. Sadly all that is running through my head is that veiled threat from my husband's mother in February about how she can access anyone's facebook account through her work as a social assistance investigator and that his oldest nephew just graduated from computer science. I just feel unsafe, not in a hurting myself way, but in a vulnerable and afraid way.
I know he said not to trust them, not because they were dangerous, but because they had a tendency to lie about stuff, exaggerate things, over represent themselves and well, they weren't like us at all, they were oddly sneaky and liked to do things behind the scenes. They were a threat to his reputation and he was always a little embarrassed for them. That being said, he was always VERY proud of his little brother, because his brother is VERY intelligent and an engineer who he felt was living way below his potential. He always wanted to see his little brother become more than self sufficient. I always agreed that his brother was highly intelligent, I'd never argue with that but he's also a little strange, very elitist without the financial backing for it is how I'd describe him. Snobbish? Very self assured in the way he carries himself but when you look into his eyes, there's something hiding there in my opinion. That's why I suspect he's depressive or some other mental illness. The eyes can be haunted like how my hubby's were.
Whatever it is, it's scaring me and this whole situation is scaring me and I had a horrible nightmare last night even before this whole situation erupted and I just am afraid to go to sleep tonight. I don't know what I would call this, vulnerable? Feeling taken advantage of? Violated? I could just be completely blowing this all out of proportion but I'm hoping nothing happens. Gosh, I wish I had my dog with me already. I could really use someone with me tonight.
I woke up shouting last night. I ended up having to sleep with the lamp on the rest of the night. I kept "waking up" in my dream and seeing a shadow near the door, and the dreams seemed like I was really waking up, so I stared at it and "woke up" some more and then said, "Tin, is that you?" but it wasn't him, it was dark and menacing and I got scared. The dream changed for a little while but then I "woke up again" and could hear sleep-like breathing behind me, so I rolled over because I knew it was my hubby, but when I rolled over it was the shadow standing near the bed and breathing strange. I tried to tell it to get away but it reached out for me and I was terrified. It was then that I actually woke up and I was struggling to shout for help. I immediately turned on the light and began to cry. I didn't fall asleep again until morning light started to fill the room.
I ended up hugging on my hubby's shirt and blanket, crying and asking him to protect me. God, it just kills me that he's gone. I feel like my insides twist all up when I consider this reality.
A friend of mine wrote on my FB today that if we live in the past we live in fear but if we live in the future, we live in anxiety, so we need to live in the now - well, right now I'm all alone and I'm afraid. I don't like the now. I want the future to get here quickly because I'm hanging so much on this dog to make me happy and feel safe. My husband had no clue just how safe he made me feel. I mean, I could fall asleep in the middle of the day if he was here. If he was at work, there was no way I could allow myself to nap. I feel like I haven't really fully rested since he's been gone.
I keep hugging on his shirt/blanket and saying, "Why did you leave me? How could you leave me like that?" I really hope those people aren't blaming me for his death. I mean, the last time I spoke with his mom, I told her about his physiotherapy issue, about his being told he had an enlarged heart and just how stressed he'd been for the past little while leading up to this whole thing. I told her I didn't understand how something so seemingly small could make him kill himself but that's when she decided to change the topic back toward herself. It frustrated me. I was trying to honestly talk to her about what happened and it's like she didn't want to hear it or like she'd rather talk about herself and I was so frustrated I wanted to scream at her, "I'm talking now, you listen!"
I mean, it's not out of character for her to even go behind the scenes and pose as someone to try to get information out of other people, right? I mean, from what he's told me about her, I would never be surprised if she tried to contact the coroner or the investigators or something just to dig deeper to see if there was some way to accuse me. I mean, F, the cops would immediately suspect me and that stupid numb nuts paramedic supervisor was looking at me with shock in his eyes as if I was the one who did it. You know, if it looked like someone else did it, then that's how he'd wanted it to look, my hubby wasn't stupid, he probably figured it would be easier from an insurance perspective but didn't think that He Owned the Gun and There Was No Reason for it to have left the house while he just so happened to be uncharacteristically upset.
It still bothers me that I didn't hear him leave this house. Did I fall asleep? Was he hoping I'd hear him and call for help? Was he hoping to be saved? Uggh. I saw a movie today where someone got shot point blank by a shotgun and it took them a while to die. I know it was a movie but that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm going to wonder about that until the day I die.
I think of where those guns were every single time I go to the basement and I hope against hope that each time I'll find him sitting on the treadmill cleaning his shotgun preparing to go out to do it and I'll be in time to stop him. I pray silently that all of the time that's passed in between was all just the dream and reality is that he hasn't left this house yet and I will stop him. When I don't see him at the treadmill (which is only where I assume he was because his shotgun cleaning kit was on the floor there), I automatically look toward that little area under the laundry room where his shotgun was and I expect to see him standing there in the shadow, crying. I just wish I could reach out to him and love him and make him feel better and just stop him from killing himself.
I didn't want him dead. If he wanted to separate because he couldn't take me anymore, then fine, but I would have never wished him dead. I just wanted him feeling better and in a better head space rather than grumpy, irritating and withdrawn. I wanted my full husband back, not just bits of him here and there. I needed my calm voice of reason to keep me holding on. How could he have killed himself? That didn't solve anything. Where is he now? Is he okay? I'm worried about him, he hated being alone. I hate being alone. We were always together, always. I still don't understand and this torture will never end for me.
There's this woman back home that everyone laughs about behind her back, she's not the person you want to sit next to at a party because she's a total Debbie Downer. If she's drinking, she's talking or crying about people who've died. She's tried several times to kill herself over the years, so much so she's become a local joke. I was always a little more empathetic to her situation but now I get where she comes from - her brother died in a car crash, her father drowned I think, her husband died young from cancer, three of her kids committed suicide. How in hell can you blame her for being the way she is when she's gone untreated for so many years? She's finally gotten help and is functioning but now is functioning well enough to have gone into pharmaceutical sales without a licence, if you get my drift. She's what you call "a sad case." But I get it now. I see why she is the way she is. I can't let it go. I can't move on. I can't just pretend it didn't happen and sprinkle sunshine all over my life.
This grief is going to shred me for many more years to come. There's a lot riding on this poor dog. I need some serious hugs.
I know he said not to trust them, not because they were dangerous, but because they had a tendency to lie about stuff, exaggerate things, over represent themselves and well, they weren't like us at all, they were oddly sneaky and liked to do things behind the scenes. They were a threat to his reputation and he was always a little embarrassed for them. That being said, he was always VERY proud of his little brother, because his brother is VERY intelligent and an engineer who he felt was living way below his potential. He always wanted to see his little brother become more than self sufficient. I always agreed that his brother was highly intelligent, I'd never argue with that but he's also a little strange, very elitist without the financial backing for it is how I'd describe him. Snobbish? Very self assured in the way he carries himself but when you look into his eyes, there's something hiding there in my opinion. That's why I suspect he's depressive or some other mental illness. The eyes can be haunted like how my hubby's were.
Whatever it is, it's scaring me and this whole situation is scaring me and I had a horrible nightmare last night even before this whole situation erupted and I just am afraid to go to sleep tonight. I don't know what I would call this, vulnerable? Feeling taken advantage of? Violated? I could just be completely blowing this all out of proportion but I'm hoping nothing happens. Gosh, I wish I had my dog with me already. I could really use someone with me tonight.
I woke up shouting last night. I ended up having to sleep with the lamp on the rest of the night. I kept "waking up" in my dream and seeing a shadow near the door, and the dreams seemed like I was really waking up, so I stared at it and "woke up" some more and then said, "Tin, is that you?" but it wasn't him, it was dark and menacing and I got scared. The dream changed for a little while but then I "woke up again" and could hear sleep-like breathing behind me, so I rolled over because I knew it was my hubby, but when I rolled over it was the shadow standing near the bed and breathing strange. I tried to tell it to get away but it reached out for me and I was terrified. It was then that I actually woke up and I was struggling to shout for help. I immediately turned on the light and began to cry. I didn't fall asleep again until morning light started to fill the room.
I ended up hugging on my hubby's shirt and blanket, crying and asking him to protect me. God, it just kills me that he's gone. I feel like my insides twist all up when I consider this reality.
A friend of mine wrote on my FB today that if we live in the past we live in fear but if we live in the future, we live in anxiety, so we need to live in the now - well, right now I'm all alone and I'm afraid. I don't like the now. I want the future to get here quickly because I'm hanging so much on this dog to make me happy and feel safe. My husband had no clue just how safe he made me feel. I mean, I could fall asleep in the middle of the day if he was here. If he was at work, there was no way I could allow myself to nap. I feel like I haven't really fully rested since he's been gone.
I keep hugging on his shirt/blanket and saying, "Why did you leave me? How could you leave me like that?" I really hope those people aren't blaming me for his death. I mean, the last time I spoke with his mom, I told her about his physiotherapy issue, about his being told he had an enlarged heart and just how stressed he'd been for the past little while leading up to this whole thing. I told her I didn't understand how something so seemingly small could make him kill himself but that's when she decided to change the topic back toward herself. It frustrated me. I was trying to honestly talk to her about what happened and it's like she didn't want to hear it or like she'd rather talk about herself and I was so frustrated I wanted to scream at her, "I'm talking now, you listen!"
I mean, it's not out of character for her to even go behind the scenes and pose as someone to try to get information out of other people, right? I mean, from what he's told me about her, I would never be surprised if she tried to contact the coroner or the investigators or something just to dig deeper to see if there was some way to accuse me. I mean, F, the cops would immediately suspect me and that stupid numb nuts paramedic supervisor was looking at me with shock in his eyes as if I was the one who did it. You know, if it looked like someone else did it, then that's how he'd wanted it to look, my hubby wasn't stupid, he probably figured it would be easier from an insurance perspective but didn't think that He Owned the Gun and There Was No Reason for it to have left the house while he just so happened to be uncharacteristically upset.
It still bothers me that I didn't hear him leave this house. Did I fall asleep? Was he hoping I'd hear him and call for help? Was he hoping to be saved? Uggh. I saw a movie today where someone got shot point blank by a shotgun and it took them a while to die. I know it was a movie but that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm going to wonder about that until the day I die.
I think of where those guns were every single time I go to the basement and I hope against hope that each time I'll find him sitting on the treadmill cleaning his shotgun preparing to go out to do it and I'll be in time to stop him. I pray silently that all of the time that's passed in between was all just the dream and reality is that he hasn't left this house yet and I will stop him. When I don't see him at the treadmill (which is only where I assume he was because his shotgun cleaning kit was on the floor there), I automatically look toward that little area under the laundry room where his shotgun was and I expect to see him standing there in the shadow, crying. I just wish I could reach out to him and love him and make him feel better and just stop him from killing himself.
I didn't want him dead. If he wanted to separate because he couldn't take me anymore, then fine, but I would have never wished him dead. I just wanted him feeling better and in a better head space rather than grumpy, irritating and withdrawn. I wanted my full husband back, not just bits of him here and there. I needed my calm voice of reason to keep me holding on. How could he have killed himself? That didn't solve anything. Where is he now? Is he okay? I'm worried about him, he hated being alone. I hate being alone. We were always together, always. I still don't understand and this torture will never end for me.
There's this woman back home that everyone laughs about behind her back, she's not the person you want to sit next to at a party because she's a total Debbie Downer. If she's drinking, she's talking or crying about people who've died. She's tried several times to kill herself over the years, so much so she's become a local joke. I was always a little more empathetic to her situation but now I get where she comes from - her brother died in a car crash, her father drowned I think, her husband died young from cancer, three of her kids committed suicide. How in hell can you blame her for being the way she is when she's gone untreated for so many years? She's finally gotten help and is functioning but now is functioning well enough to have gone into pharmaceutical sales without a licence, if you get my drift. She's what you call "a sad case." But I get it now. I see why she is the way she is. I can't let it go. I can't move on. I can't just pretend it didn't happen and sprinkle sunshine all over my life.
This grief is going to shred me for many more years to come. There's a lot riding on this poor dog. I need some serious hugs.
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