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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #651
Very tumultuous day today. Emotions are everywhere. I'm avoiding confronting the pain that I know is just lurking beneath the surface. I ended up doing absolutely nothing but lying on the couch watching movies.
I just want him home. I just want to be with him again. I can't wait that long to see him again.
I'm wondering if part of this is stress caused from finalizing everything on this dog. I'm so scared about that. I talked to my friend about what they do for their dogs and then another friend about what they do with their dog in terms of bathing and cleaning and brushing and fleas/ticks and heartworm. My head is just spinning. I was told to take him out frequently because dogs in new environments won't feel safe toileting so they may hold it, now does that mean when he gets here I just pop in the backyard with him once every hour for a few minutes each time? My plan is to get him into the house and just let him chill out on the livingroom floor while I watch tv instead of overwhelming him by trying to pet him or comfort him. Then after an hour we'll go in the backyard for about 10 minutes or so and then just repeat that cycle. It'll give me practice walking him on a leash too. I'm probably over thinking this.
I was reading today about a "grief exercise" where you take your loved ones pictures and you journal each picture; just write down where you were, what was going on in the picture any special memories you may have of the picture etc. So I was fully willing to try it but I opened up the first picture of him smiling at me on our 10th wedding anniversary and I felt like my heart was going to explode. I just wanted to throw myself on the floor and scream and scream. I immediately closed the computer and turned my attention back toward the television so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I just stuffed it all back in so I wouldn't have to deal with it right then.
It scares me. That pain is just so intense it is completely frightening. I can't just open the box and let it all spill out because I feel like it would kill me. Every single happy memory is colored in his blood. Every single smile reminds me of how he'll never smile at me ever again. Every single bit of happiness is just a reminder that he didn't reach out for help when he needed it most, instead he turned his back on me and our whole life and he killed himself. I did nothing wrong. My only mistake was letting the PTSD get in the way of being able to help him when he needed me most. I couldn't control it. I couldn't just swipe it aside and just be caring and loving, nope I had to be frustrated and angry and bitter and impatient.
Tin, I'm sorry I was angry at you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I couldn't turn it off. I wish I could have just turned it off and gone to you and held you and been that voice of reason and patience that you needed so badly in those last hours. Tin, why did you kill yourself? What was so bad? What couldn't we face together? What more couldn't you take? How did death make any sense, Tin? To you especially. You always talked me out of it, you made me see how ridiculous a move it was, you said it was a Permanent Solution to a Temporary problem!!
I remember telling you to tread carefully because when you're stuck in that mindset, your problem doesn't actually seem temporary. My problems never seemed temporary when I was caught in that spiral, they were all I could see and feeling that death was the only way to get any relief was the only thing that made sense. I TOLD YOU THAT!!! You knew about the mind traps, you KNEW and YOU LET IT TAKE YOU ANYWAY!!!!
You let it take you from me. You died. You're dead.
You can't smile anymore. You can't hug me anymore. You can't say, "Hey wife" or grab me and kiss me. I'm never going to have that ever again, Tin. No one will ever love me that way ever again and it hurts like absolute f'ing hell inside to know that. No one will ever be you. I'll never have OUR love again.
I look fine. I look absolutely fine. I play nice with everyone. I suck it up and push away the hurt so they can't see it. They all think I'm fine, but inside I'm still dying. I'm still screaming. I'm still a complete mess. Inside I'm not healed. I'm still raw and bleeding, just like you were but I'm avoiding it as much as I can because I'd prefer to function. I don't want to give up. I feel like giving up. I feel like I need to go away to some insane asylum and just let someone else worry about everything for me while I check out for a little while. I just....some days I want to be with you so badly, Tin. So badly.
A friend posted a picture of a high powered gun on facebook and it made me afraid to look at it. I have to call the police one day to finally come and take your remaining gun and ammunition away from here. Do I wait until next year? Do I do it this year? Do I start to sell your stuff? What!? What, Tin!? What am I supposed to be doing here??? What is the protocol in all of this? Do I erase you from my life and pretend you never existed just to avoid feeling that pain? Do I try to do something with your stuff to keep holding onto you? How do I let go of you? I never wanted to let go of you!!!!
What happens if you really didn't love me and I die? Will I be all alone with no one to "come to meet me"? What if I die and you've forgotten about me or moved on without me? What happened to our love, TIn? Where did it go? Where did you go? Where are you because dammit, I need you with me! I can't feel you anywhere!! I can't sense you with me! Where did you go, just come back to me, please.
Please don't leave me here. I didn't want to be alone, Tin, it was my worst nightmare. You were supposed to live to 104 - what happened to 104, Tin!?
My worst nightmare was losing you. Every day you went to work I worried until the moment you stepped foot back into our house. I missed you every single second you were away from me. Maybe I needed you more than you needed me. I didn't understand how you could leave the house that morning without me, where you would go or even why you would go anywhere so early. I was stupid, I thought you were gone to be nice to me, to get me McD's for breakfast or something. I childishly thought you were being spontaneous and were going to do something nice FOR ME. But no, you were already dead when I looked out that window. You were already so far away from me. I didn't feel you leave. I didn't know you could leave me. I got angry with you when you wouldn't answer me. I got angry with you just like I'd done the day before because I was so damned worried about you, I got angry! I packed my bag and I said to the empty house, "You always said to me to never leave you without telling you where I was going, because that's what your Dad always used to do to you. You made me promise I'd never leave this house without telling you and what have you done!? You left! You won't tell me where you are!!! You did just what you said you'd never do to me!!! Where are you!!? I'll show you! I can do that too! I'll go to my sisters and we'll see how scared you get!!!" And I stormed out of this house, hoping against hope that you'd text me to tell me where you were and I'd calm down and realize I was being stupid and angry for no reason.
That text never came. You were already DEAD! You bled out into that f'ing car all alone and no one could save you! What did you think was going to happen when you pointed a f'cking gun point blank at your body!? Did you think you'd be miraculously saved??? Were you banking on the "if it's meant for you, it won't pass by you" principle? Well, guess what was meant for you then!? Why would you tempt fate like that, Tin? That wasn't YOU!! You weren't irrational. You weren't suicidal. You weren't unreasonable. What possessed you that day, Tin, what!?
Why did you leave me here all alone???? I can't survive like this, Tin. I'm a mess inside. I want to lay down and give up. I want the world to leave me alone. I just need a life break. There's too much pulling on me right now. Still things of yours I have to settle. Still our one big fight I have to see to the end. Still stuff of yours to put away. I don't want to put you away yet but I'm feeling pressure to finalize things. I just want to go away for a while. Rent a cabin in the woods, just me and puppy. Just leave civilization for a little while.
I'm tired. I've been tired for a long time. I sheltered you from that, you didn't need to carry that, you had enough on your plate. I didn't bother you with the "minutia" of my boring days anymore and so, we eventually just stopped talking and we simply existed side by side. You talked. You talked about how crappy work was, about how you needed a change, about how you hated your partner or how stupid the supervisors were or how moronic other crews were. Sometimes I'd see you stalking away from me muttering under your breath - did I not understand something? Did you resent me? There were days i resented you. I resented you treating me like you treated your coworkers. I resented the fact that you COULD still go to work and I had to be stuck within these four walls rotting, dying inside. I spent my days struggling to stay alive. Struggling to find a reason to keep going, my reason was always you. You were my baby bird and I had to look after you...even though financially, you were looking after me.
In the end was I just another burden you carried? Was I "some lady" that lived with you and annoyed you? What was I to you that made it so easy to leave me? Was I anything anymore? You ripped my heart from my chest and you stomped all over it, Tin. You shot it to pieces and now it just hurts. It hurts every second of every day I have to go on existing without you. Where in hell are you now!? Why can't you be with me !? What was so hard about our life!? What did I miss? What did I do wrong? Where did we go wrong that you had to leave? What couldn't we fix in this life?
We could've fixed anything. You just had to stay with me. You just had to try harder to stay with me.
I hate being without you. :*(
I just want him home. I just want to be with him again. I can't wait that long to see him again.
I'm wondering if part of this is stress caused from finalizing everything on this dog. I'm so scared about that. I talked to my friend about what they do for their dogs and then another friend about what they do with their dog in terms of bathing and cleaning and brushing and fleas/ticks and heartworm. My head is just spinning. I was told to take him out frequently because dogs in new environments won't feel safe toileting so they may hold it, now does that mean when he gets here I just pop in the backyard with him once every hour for a few minutes each time? My plan is to get him into the house and just let him chill out on the livingroom floor while I watch tv instead of overwhelming him by trying to pet him or comfort him. Then after an hour we'll go in the backyard for about 10 minutes or so and then just repeat that cycle. It'll give me practice walking him on a leash too. I'm probably over thinking this.
I was reading today about a "grief exercise" where you take your loved ones pictures and you journal each picture; just write down where you were, what was going on in the picture any special memories you may have of the picture etc. So I was fully willing to try it but I opened up the first picture of him smiling at me on our 10th wedding anniversary and I felt like my heart was going to explode. I just wanted to throw myself on the floor and scream and scream. I immediately closed the computer and turned my attention back toward the television so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I just stuffed it all back in so I wouldn't have to deal with it right then.
It scares me. That pain is just so intense it is completely frightening. I can't just open the box and let it all spill out because I feel like it would kill me. Every single happy memory is colored in his blood. Every single smile reminds me of how he'll never smile at me ever again. Every single bit of happiness is just a reminder that he didn't reach out for help when he needed it most, instead he turned his back on me and our whole life and he killed himself. I did nothing wrong. My only mistake was letting the PTSD get in the way of being able to help him when he needed me most. I couldn't control it. I couldn't just swipe it aside and just be caring and loving, nope I had to be frustrated and angry and bitter and impatient.
Tin, I'm sorry I was angry at you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I couldn't turn it off. I wish I could have just turned it off and gone to you and held you and been that voice of reason and patience that you needed so badly in those last hours. Tin, why did you kill yourself? What was so bad? What couldn't we face together? What more couldn't you take? How did death make any sense, Tin? To you especially. You always talked me out of it, you made me see how ridiculous a move it was, you said it was a Permanent Solution to a Temporary problem!!
I remember telling you to tread carefully because when you're stuck in that mindset, your problem doesn't actually seem temporary. My problems never seemed temporary when I was caught in that spiral, they were all I could see and feeling that death was the only way to get any relief was the only thing that made sense. I TOLD YOU THAT!!! You knew about the mind traps, you KNEW and YOU LET IT TAKE YOU ANYWAY!!!!
You let it take you from me. You died. You're dead.
You can't smile anymore. You can't hug me anymore. You can't say, "Hey wife" or grab me and kiss me. I'm never going to have that ever again, Tin. No one will ever love me that way ever again and it hurts like absolute f'ing hell inside to know that. No one will ever be you. I'll never have OUR love again.
I look fine. I look absolutely fine. I play nice with everyone. I suck it up and push away the hurt so they can't see it. They all think I'm fine, but inside I'm still dying. I'm still screaming. I'm still a complete mess. Inside I'm not healed. I'm still raw and bleeding, just like you were but I'm avoiding it as much as I can because I'd prefer to function. I don't want to give up. I feel like giving up. I feel like I need to go away to some insane asylum and just let someone else worry about everything for me while I check out for a little while. I just....some days I want to be with you so badly, Tin. So badly.
A friend posted a picture of a high powered gun on facebook and it made me afraid to look at it. I have to call the police one day to finally come and take your remaining gun and ammunition away from here. Do I wait until next year? Do I do it this year? Do I start to sell your stuff? What!? What, Tin!? What am I supposed to be doing here??? What is the protocol in all of this? Do I erase you from my life and pretend you never existed just to avoid feeling that pain? Do I try to do something with your stuff to keep holding onto you? How do I let go of you? I never wanted to let go of you!!!!
What happens if you really didn't love me and I die? Will I be all alone with no one to "come to meet me"? What if I die and you've forgotten about me or moved on without me? What happened to our love, TIn? Where did it go? Where did you go? Where are you because dammit, I need you with me! I can't feel you anywhere!! I can't sense you with me! Where did you go, just come back to me, please.
Please don't leave me here. I didn't want to be alone, Tin, it was my worst nightmare. You were supposed to live to 104 - what happened to 104, Tin!?
My worst nightmare was losing you. Every day you went to work I worried until the moment you stepped foot back into our house. I missed you every single second you were away from me. Maybe I needed you more than you needed me. I didn't understand how you could leave the house that morning without me, where you would go or even why you would go anywhere so early. I was stupid, I thought you were gone to be nice to me, to get me McD's for breakfast or something. I childishly thought you were being spontaneous and were going to do something nice FOR ME. But no, you were already dead when I looked out that window. You were already so far away from me. I didn't feel you leave. I didn't know you could leave me. I got angry with you when you wouldn't answer me. I got angry with you just like I'd done the day before because I was so damned worried about you, I got angry! I packed my bag and I said to the empty house, "You always said to me to never leave you without telling you where I was going, because that's what your Dad always used to do to you. You made me promise I'd never leave this house without telling you and what have you done!? You left! You won't tell me where you are!!! You did just what you said you'd never do to me!!! Where are you!!? I'll show you! I can do that too! I'll go to my sisters and we'll see how scared you get!!!" And I stormed out of this house, hoping against hope that you'd text me to tell me where you were and I'd calm down and realize I was being stupid and angry for no reason.
That text never came. You were already DEAD! You bled out into that f'ing car all alone and no one could save you! What did you think was going to happen when you pointed a f'cking gun point blank at your body!? Did you think you'd be miraculously saved??? Were you banking on the "if it's meant for you, it won't pass by you" principle? Well, guess what was meant for you then!? Why would you tempt fate like that, Tin? That wasn't YOU!! You weren't irrational. You weren't suicidal. You weren't unreasonable. What possessed you that day, Tin, what!?
Why did you leave me here all alone???? I can't survive like this, Tin. I'm a mess inside. I want to lay down and give up. I want the world to leave me alone. I just need a life break. There's too much pulling on me right now. Still things of yours I have to settle. Still our one big fight I have to see to the end. Still stuff of yours to put away. I don't want to put you away yet but I'm feeling pressure to finalize things. I just want to go away for a while. Rent a cabin in the woods, just me and puppy. Just leave civilization for a little while.
I'm tired. I've been tired for a long time. I sheltered you from that, you didn't need to carry that, you had enough on your plate. I didn't bother you with the "minutia" of my boring days anymore and so, we eventually just stopped talking and we simply existed side by side. You talked. You talked about how crappy work was, about how you needed a change, about how you hated your partner or how stupid the supervisors were or how moronic other crews were. Sometimes I'd see you stalking away from me muttering under your breath - did I not understand something? Did you resent me? There were days i resented you. I resented you treating me like you treated your coworkers. I resented the fact that you COULD still go to work and I had to be stuck within these four walls rotting, dying inside. I spent my days struggling to stay alive. Struggling to find a reason to keep going, my reason was always you. You were my baby bird and I had to look after you...even though financially, you were looking after me.
In the end was I just another burden you carried? Was I "some lady" that lived with you and annoyed you? What was I to you that made it so easy to leave me? Was I anything anymore? You ripped my heart from my chest and you stomped all over it, Tin. You shot it to pieces and now it just hurts. It hurts every second of every day I have to go on existing without you. Where in hell are you now!? Why can't you be with me !? What was so hard about our life!? What did I miss? What did I do wrong? Where did we go wrong that you had to leave? What couldn't we fix in this life?
We could've fixed anything. You just had to stay with me. You just had to try harder to stay with me.
I hate being without you. :*(
- Post starter
- #652
You came back last night. I smelled you. I hugged that shirt and cried myself to sleep because it doesn't smell like you anymore. But I woke up in the middle of the night and I smelled you, I smelled you as strong as if you were right there. I buried my face in that smell and I cried. I kissed it and told you I love you. I felt so much safer. I imagined your arm around me and I fell asleep and slept so soundly. You always made me feel safe. You were my protector.
I promised my sister our old air conditioner that I found in the basement. I brought it to her but I had a talk with "you" before I left. This is my first voluntary night away since you died. I was afraid to leave you. I promised I'll be back as soon as I can. I hated to leave you. I never wanted you to be alone ever. I still worry about you.
I felt sick shortly after I got here. My blood pressure dropped. I was dizzy. I was cold even though she was sweating and hot she wouldn't turn the ac on because I was shivering and wrapped in a blanket. I don't know why I keep getting sick like that. Every few days my blood pressure gets low and I get super fatigued and walking to the bathroom makes me feel like I've run ten miles. I'm scared.
I went to volunteer duty today at the non-people-interactive garden this morning. The had me working with a mentally challenged girl who thought it was funny to throw sand on me, I finally screamed at her. I wanted to knock her lights out I was so intensely angry so suddenly. I scared myself.
I ran away. I ran here. I left you alone at home. My heart hurts. I miss you a lot today.
I miss you so much today.
I promised my sister our old air conditioner that I found in the basement. I brought it to her but I had a talk with "you" before I left. This is my first voluntary night away since you died. I was afraid to leave you. I promised I'll be back as soon as I can. I hated to leave you. I never wanted you to be alone ever. I still worry about you.
I felt sick shortly after I got here. My blood pressure dropped. I was dizzy. I was cold even though she was sweating and hot she wouldn't turn the ac on because I was shivering and wrapped in a blanket. I don't know why I keep getting sick like that. Every few days my blood pressure gets low and I get super fatigued and walking to the bathroom makes me feel like I've run ten miles. I'm scared.
I went to volunteer duty today at the non-people-interactive garden this morning. The had me working with a mentally challenged girl who thought it was funny to throw sand on me, I finally screamed at her. I wanted to knock her lights out I was so intensely angry so suddenly. I scared myself.
I ran away. I ran here. I left you alone at home. My heart hurts. I miss you a lot today.
I miss you so much today.
ms spock
VIP Member
:hug:
- Post starter
- #654
I had a meltdown today. The ac I brought to my sister's place leaks like a sieve, I'm glad nothing was permanently damaged. I got very angry because she was complaining about how much water was on the floor and making a huge deal out of it. I felt like every time I try to do something nice for anyone everything just falls apart. We tried to make the best of the day by going shopping. I treated her to lunch. Then I reminded her that she still needs to come to my hearing in September, she made a huge fuss over that being grouchy and complaining about not having enough notice and going on and on and on. I felt like I was being kicked in the guts repeatedly and all I wanted was my husband there to say he could come with me and tell me it was all going to be okay.
He's not going to be there. I need him there and he's not going to be there. I was a mess at the last hearing, I couldn't even keep my head up afterward. I just got in the car and cried all the way home. She hates driving in the city. She's going to be super nervous. She's a bad driver to begin with. I don't know how we're going to do this. She got angry at me saying she'll now have to cancel her vacation next week and see if there are spots to reschedule it for that week and blah, blah, blah. I almost burst into tears right there in the car. I got into my own car and cried my entire drive back home.
I came in the door and said, "Tin, I'm home. Did you miss me?.....Tin, I really wish you could just answer me! Why did you have to leave me!?" and I was bawling my eyes out again. It's been a particularly hard day. I've got to go to a friends house tomorrow and play like my life is perfect and I'm all better now and they don't have to worry about me because, I'm "getting over it". They're not good with public emotion, so I'll have to stuff it all down until I can come home and break down again.
I'll then have two days before the dog gets here. Two days to scream and cry and lie perfectly still and do absolutely nothing but REST. I just need to rest.
Every single time I think about going to this workers comp hearing without him I start to panic inside and I end up wanting to die. I wish there was some way they could just have the stupid hearing by themselves, I'm practically irrelevant to the proceedings anyway, they talk about me in the third person and it's really demeaning. It's bad enough I already feel insignificant, they just make it worse. I just wanted to die the last meeting we went too. My hubby just held me up as we walked away from there because I wanted to melt to the pavement and die. My sister isn't good with emotion. She won't know what to do.
I'm sure I'll have to drive. I'm almost 100% sure I'll end up having to drive us out of the city anyway. I only trusted him. It was just always him and me. Who do I even trust anymore???
The dog. Who takes the dog overnight? I can't take him to the hotel. My sister-in-law offered to come get him but their dog is crawling with fleas, I don't want my dog bringing fleas home. I never thought about this before I agreed to adopt him. I never gave him a second thought. Even the whole issue of my brother-in-law looking for a travel partner! Who would take my dog for a week!? How stupid was I? Realistically, I'd never go anywhere with him though, my sister is right, I just don't know him. he's a stranger to me.
God. I keep crying. It hurts so much tonight. I'm so worried and triggered by the reminder of this meeting looming. I have to send the lawyer another email. I can't just wait. I just wish and pray that they could just settle this case without needing me around anymore. Just send me the offer to sign, I'll sign it and this can all be over. I just want that whole nightmare and stress over with once and for all. It won't bring my husband back. It means nothing to me anymore. I just want that entire stupid job and all of the reminders of it gone. I want to remember my husband as he was with me, not in some stupid uniform representing those a-holes.
He loved that stupid job. He loved it and that is why he's dead. He couldn't live with the possibility of that stupid job being taken from him like it was from me. If he had a heart condition, what would stop them from firing him? They've already done it to so many already. Yes, it's unjust, yes, it's unscrupulous, yes, it's borderline criminal but does that stop them? NO! He watched them slowly killing what was left of me and there was nothing he could do to stop them. He couldn't save me from them. I couldn't save him from the stress of it all.
I'd give anything to have been able to take his pain from him. Take all of that stress he was under and just give him a break. Just give him some time away from work to just put his feet up and rest and recuperate and put down some of that crap he was carrying around with him. It was too much. I was still trying to look for jobs. I was still applying after 4 years of trying, I was still trying to take some of the burden from his shoulders. I was getting nothing. Just a big stain on my resume that said, "Paramedic" and no replies. I didn't want to be his burden. I was so ashamed being at home, a nothing. I couldn't make it better for him. I couldn't take it away.
I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't make him feel better, I just made him feel worse. God, I want to stop him from leaving this house that day. I want to stop him from leaving this room that morning. What did he mean, "Do you need anything?" YES. I needed HIM. I NEEDED him. But so early in the morning, what would you need when you're still lying in bed and it's barely dawn? What could you need? "No." those were my last words to him. "No." He left this room and I never saw him again. How in hell did that happen? What in God's name did I do wrong in this life to have to live through this hell? Why didn't he just kill me too? Just kill me and himself and let the chips fall where they may.
Nope, He left me. He thought he was "protecting me". He was killing me but leaving me to walk the earth. I"m going to live in this torture for the rest of my days. I'm never going to know why. I'm going to ask it over and over and over and I'm going to scream and cry about this for the rest of my existence. Will anything ever truly be happy in my life ever again?
This whole 6 month thing is really getting to me. It was just last week. I swear it was just last week he was here. He was with me. We were happy. We were laughing. We were being silly. I was snuggling on him. He was holding my hand. He was telling me he loved me.
But he's been dead six months. Dead. Where is dead? Where did he go? Why can't he just contact me? Why can't he be here with me? I still needed him. I wasn't ready. He wasn't ready.
He's not going to be there. I need him there and he's not going to be there. I was a mess at the last hearing, I couldn't even keep my head up afterward. I just got in the car and cried all the way home. She hates driving in the city. She's going to be super nervous. She's a bad driver to begin with. I don't know how we're going to do this. She got angry at me saying she'll now have to cancel her vacation next week and see if there are spots to reschedule it for that week and blah, blah, blah. I almost burst into tears right there in the car. I got into my own car and cried my entire drive back home.
I came in the door and said, "Tin, I'm home. Did you miss me?.....Tin, I really wish you could just answer me! Why did you have to leave me!?" and I was bawling my eyes out again. It's been a particularly hard day. I've got to go to a friends house tomorrow and play like my life is perfect and I'm all better now and they don't have to worry about me because, I'm "getting over it". They're not good with public emotion, so I'll have to stuff it all down until I can come home and break down again.
I'll then have two days before the dog gets here. Two days to scream and cry and lie perfectly still and do absolutely nothing but REST. I just need to rest.
Every single time I think about going to this workers comp hearing without him I start to panic inside and I end up wanting to die. I wish there was some way they could just have the stupid hearing by themselves, I'm practically irrelevant to the proceedings anyway, they talk about me in the third person and it's really demeaning. It's bad enough I already feel insignificant, they just make it worse. I just wanted to die the last meeting we went too. My hubby just held me up as we walked away from there because I wanted to melt to the pavement and die. My sister isn't good with emotion. She won't know what to do.
I'm sure I'll have to drive. I'm almost 100% sure I'll end up having to drive us out of the city anyway. I only trusted him. It was just always him and me. Who do I even trust anymore???
The dog. Who takes the dog overnight? I can't take him to the hotel. My sister-in-law offered to come get him but their dog is crawling with fleas, I don't want my dog bringing fleas home. I never thought about this before I agreed to adopt him. I never gave him a second thought. Even the whole issue of my brother-in-law looking for a travel partner! Who would take my dog for a week!? How stupid was I? Realistically, I'd never go anywhere with him though, my sister is right, I just don't know him. he's a stranger to me.
God. I keep crying. It hurts so much tonight. I'm so worried and triggered by the reminder of this meeting looming. I have to send the lawyer another email. I can't just wait. I just wish and pray that they could just settle this case without needing me around anymore. Just send me the offer to sign, I'll sign it and this can all be over. I just want that whole nightmare and stress over with once and for all. It won't bring my husband back. It means nothing to me anymore. I just want that entire stupid job and all of the reminders of it gone. I want to remember my husband as he was with me, not in some stupid uniform representing those a-holes.
He loved that stupid job. He loved it and that is why he's dead. He couldn't live with the possibility of that stupid job being taken from him like it was from me. If he had a heart condition, what would stop them from firing him? They've already done it to so many already. Yes, it's unjust, yes, it's unscrupulous, yes, it's borderline criminal but does that stop them? NO! He watched them slowly killing what was left of me and there was nothing he could do to stop them. He couldn't save me from them. I couldn't save him from the stress of it all.
I'd give anything to have been able to take his pain from him. Take all of that stress he was under and just give him a break. Just give him some time away from work to just put his feet up and rest and recuperate and put down some of that crap he was carrying around with him. It was too much. I was still trying to look for jobs. I was still applying after 4 years of trying, I was still trying to take some of the burden from his shoulders. I was getting nothing. Just a big stain on my resume that said, "Paramedic" and no replies. I didn't want to be his burden. I was so ashamed being at home, a nothing. I couldn't make it better for him. I couldn't take it away.
I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't make him feel better, I just made him feel worse. God, I want to stop him from leaving this house that day. I want to stop him from leaving this room that morning. What did he mean, "Do you need anything?" YES. I needed HIM. I NEEDED him. But so early in the morning, what would you need when you're still lying in bed and it's barely dawn? What could you need? "No." those were my last words to him. "No." He left this room and I never saw him again. How in hell did that happen? What in God's name did I do wrong in this life to have to live through this hell? Why didn't he just kill me too? Just kill me and himself and let the chips fall where they may.
Nope, He left me. He thought he was "protecting me". He was killing me but leaving me to walk the earth. I"m going to live in this torture for the rest of my days. I'm never going to know why. I'm going to ask it over and over and over and I'm going to scream and cry about this for the rest of my existence. Will anything ever truly be happy in my life ever again?
This whole 6 month thing is really getting to me. It was just last week. I swear it was just last week he was here. He was with me. We were happy. We were laughing. We were being silly. I was snuggling on him. He was holding my hand. He was telling me he loved me.
But he's been dead six months. Dead. Where is dead? Where did he go? Why can't he just contact me? Why can't he be here with me? I still needed him. I wasn't ready. He wasn't ready.
Hugs if you accept them Medic.
Is there anyone from the Union or anything like that can be your support person at the hearing? Can you speak to your lawyers about arranging transport for you?
The dog may have to go into a boarding kennel overnight. He'll be ok with that.
I'm so very sorry that the one person you need with you isn't there.
Is there anyone from the Union or anything like that can be your support person at the hearing? Can you speak to your lawyers about arranging transport for you?
The dog may have to go into a boarding kennel overnight. He'll be ok with that.
I'm so very sorry that the one person you need with you isn't there.
D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
- Post starter
- #657
@Sighs my employer terminated me two years ago, I no longer have a union that can represent me and sadly, my lawyer could never offer that type of service. I've asked my therapist to attend the meeting with me but I still need someone to drive me down, so my sister is the only option. I'm not going to have a choice but to let my brother and sister-in-law take my dog for the night - maybe one of them can just stay in the house with the dog for the night. Uggh, all of this is just so stressful, I just want to stop thinking about it.
Today after the trip up to visit my friends, on my way home, I had a panic attack thinking about the day my husband died. I managed not to have to pull over but I came pretty close to needing to. I've pushed myself too hard this week. I've been way too active and taking too many very large steps all at once. I've got two days before the dog gets here and I am no longer "alone". I'm going to savor these days because as of Sunday, my life changes forever - again!
Sigh. I talked bravely and unemotionally with my friend today about my husbands suicide and I didn't mince words, I used the term suicide with her. I was honest about my struggles and admitted that in those early days, I had to do a lot of helping others rather than dealing with my own stuff. She had tears in her eyes, I think this is probably the first time in my life I've ever seen her express emotion that wasn't joy. There was no stiff upper lip today and I guess that was partly my fault. I still need people to talk about him and acknowledge him. I don't like when people feel like mentioning him will upset me - I honestly can't get anymore upset than I already am and will be for a very long time. It actually makes me feel better when people say his name and acknowledge his existence. He was my best friend for 20 years. He was my heart for 20 whole years of my life. I can't just gloss over that and pretend that my life will just roll on unaffected by those previous 20 years of him.
I spent 20 years of my life with him. I can't just pretend it didn't happen.
I caught myself believing in the fairytale again today. I thought to myself, "I can't wait until this joke is over and our life can get back to normal." I honestly saw us in the basement working out together again. I pictured us talking and laughing together - it wasn't like memory though and that sent chills up my spine. Daydream maybe. I'm not sure. I wonder if this fairy tale belief comes out because I'm feeling so very wounded lately. I cant' describe just how intense this pain is - still is.
Everyone keeps telling me how I'm doing so surprisingly good and I'm so strong and I'm such an inspiration but they're not here when I'm howling and feeling like my heart is exploding in my chest. I feel anything but strong then. Just because no one sees me cry, and the only pictures they see of me are on FB with a big smile on my face, they think I'm perfectly fine and I'm "getting over him" but when they're faced with the reality of me, and all I want to do is talk about him, they avoid.
He lived, He was real. He was my husband. i held his hand. I touched his skin. I felt his hair. I tickled his mustache. We made love. He was real. It kills me inside to try to comprehend what he is now. He's no longer real....I can't wrap my head around that.
Is it okay to just forget that one day? Is it okay for me to avoid thinking about that anytime that memory gets triggered? I just want to forget that whole day and just pretend he died in an accident or something less painful.
Today after the trip up to visit my friends, on my way home, I had a panic attack thinking about the day my husband died. I managed not to have to pull over but I came pretty close to needing to. I've pushed myself too hard this week. I've been way too active and taking too many very large steps all at once. I've got two days before the dog gets here and I am no longer "alone". I'm going to savor these days because as of Sunday, my life changes forever - again!
Sigh. I talked bravely and unemotionally with my friend today about my husbands suicide and I didn't mince words, I used the term suicide with her. I was honest about my struggles and admitted that in those early days, I had to do a lot of helping others rather than dealing with my own stuff. She had tears in her eyes, I think this is probably the first time in my life I've ever seen her express emotion that wasn't joy. There was no stiff upper lip today and I guess that was partly my fault. I still need people to talk about him and acknowledge him. I don't like when people feel like mentioning him will upset me - I honestly can't get anymore upset than I already am and will be for a very long time. It actually makes me feel better when people say his name and acknowledge his existence. He was my best friend for 20 years. He was my heart for 20 whole years of my life. I can't just gloss over that and pretend that my life will just roll on unaffected by those previous 20 years of him.
I spent 20 years of my life with him. I can't just pretend it didn't happen.
I caught myself believing in the fairytale again today. I thought to myself, "I can't wait until this joke is over and our life can get back to normal." I honestly saw us in the basement working out together again. I pictured us talking and laughing together - it wasn't like memory though and that sent chills up my spine. Daydream maybe. I'm not sure. I wonder if this fairy tale belief comes out because I'm feeling so very wounded lately. I cant' describe just how intense this pain is - still is.
Everyone keeps telling me how I'm doing so surprisingly good and I'm so strong and I'm such an inspiration but they're not here when I'm howling and feeling like my heart is exploding in my chest. I feel anything but strong then. Just because no one sees me cry, and the only pictures they see of me are on FB with a big smile on my face, they think I'm perfectly fine and I'm "getting over him" but when they're faced with the reality of me, and all I want to do is talk about him, they avoid.
He lived, He was real. He was my husband. i held his hand. I touched his skin. I felt his hair. I tickled his mustache. We made love. He was real. It kills me inside to try to comprehend what he is now. He's no longer real....I can't wrap my head around that.
Is it okay to just forget that one day? Is it okay for me to avoid thinking about that anytime that memory gets triggered? I just want to forget that whole day and just pretend he died in an accident or something less painful.
- I think this is common Medic. Joan Didion wrote a book called "The Year of Magical Thinking" after her husband died. He did not suicide, but she too kept thinking that it was somehow a mistake, that there was a "reset" button if she could only find it that it would turn out to be a particularly horrible practical joke, all those kind of "slightly losing touch with reality" kind of thoughts. I can only imagine the fact that Tin suicided with no warning sign makes it seem all the more unreal.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Pup will be happy to listen to you talk about Tin. The good times, the sad times, the in-jokes.
As for the hearing - remember "this too shall pass". You'll get through it.
Hugs if you accept them.
- Post starter
- #659
The hearing has been adjourned. I don't know when that happened my lawyer seems to have known about it for a long time.
I got a call from the car insurance company this morning, the coroners report is in and my husbands death is not covered under their policy and would I like a copy of the coroners report.
I politely said no, then went immediately numb, could barely say good bye, hung up and cried hysterically for hours. I didn't expect it to hit me that hard.
I'm so sad right now. I've just laid on the couch all day crying off and on. I actually got the nerve to call the lady back and tell her to put the report in a sealed envelope and send it to me. I was struggling through the tears giving her instructions. She felt so sorry for me she asked if there was anyone who could be with me, I just cried into the phone, "There's no one. I'm alone. He left me all alone." She said she didn't want me to be alone, "Is there someone you can call to be with you? A friend? Family member?" I just cried that everyone works and no one lives close by and repeated over and over, "I'm all alone. He left me alone!"
Poor girl. She offered to come over and sit with me for a couple of hours. This is the insurance agent! She said she could bring tea and we'd talk. Sadly the last thing I wanted was a stranger in my house while I was going insane. I just told her through my tears that I was going back to bed.
It's been a horrible, horrible day. I really could have used my husband here. I really needed him today.
My brother just happened to call "out of the blue" shortly after the insurance lady hung up with me - I'm sure she must've called him. He said he was just calling to see if I was going to be home this weekend, they were going to bring my niece to come and visit me. Out of the blue!? I haven't seen or heard from them in 3 months!!!! Three whole months of silence, not a single email to just ask how I'm doing and suddenly today they want to bring their kid to see me to "cheer me up"?
It's obvious they don't understand my PTSD because they feel that having my 10 year old niece around would cheer me up. I tend to get nervous around the kid, she can be very tiring to me, love the kid but I don't "do" kids well anymore.
I just told him through my tears that I was going to go back to bed. You see, with my family, no matter how hysterical or in pain you are if you say, "I'm just gonna go back to sleep." they'll see that as releasing them from having to deal with the uncomfortable emotional breakdown. No one would ever think to drive the 2 hrs to check on me.
I posted on FB that I didn't want to see the stupid coroners report. That I just wanted him to come home. Even social media stayed quiet.
Why does it always seem when I could really use people they run away from me?
My husband used to notice this all the time. He was the only one who never ran from me when I needed him.
Where is he!? I need him!! I need him. I just wish someone could just come over with some food or just be here - but there's no one, there never was other than him...there never will be anyone here for me.
I'm hurting so much today,Tin. I need you.
I got a call from the car insurance company this morning, the coroners report is in and my husbands death is not covered under their policy and would I like a copy of the coroners report.
I politely said no, then went immediately numb, could barely say good bye, hung up and cried hysterically for hours. I didn't expect it to hit me that hard.
I'm so sad right now. I've just laid on the couch all day crying off and on. I actually got the nerve to call the lady back and tell her to put the report in a sealed envelope and send it to me. I was struggling through the tears giving her instructions. She felt so sorry for me she asked if there was anyone who could be with me, I just cried into the phone, "There's no one. I'm alone. He left me all alone." She said she didn't want me to be alone, "Is there someone you can call to be with you? A friend? Family member?" I just cried that everyone works and no one lives close by and repeated over and over, "I'm all alone. He left me alone!"
Poor girl. She offered to come over and sit with me for a couple of hours. This is the insurance agent! She said she could bring tea and we'd talk. Sadly the last thing I wanted was a stranger in my house while I was going insane. I just told her through my tears that I was going back to bed.
It's been a horrible, horrible day. I really could have used my husband here. I really needed him today.
My brother just happened to call "out of the blue" shortly after the insurance lady hung up with me - I'm sure she must've called him. He said he was just calling to see if I was going to be home this weekend, they were going to bring my niece to come and visit me. Out of the blue!? I haven't seen or heard from them in 3 months!!!! Three whole months of silence, not a single email to just ask how I'm doing and suddenly today they want to bring their kid to see me to "cheer me up"?
It's obvious they don't understand my PTSD because they feel that having my 10 year old niece around would cheer me up. I tend to get nervous around the kid, she can be very tiring to me, love the kid but I don't "do" kids well anymore.
I just told him through my tears that I was going to go back to bed. You see, with my family, no matter how hysterical or in pain you are if you say, "I'm just gonna go back to sleep." they'll see that as releasing them from having to deal with the uncomfortable emotional breakdown. No one would ever think to drive the 2 hrs to check on me.
I posted on FB that I didn't want to see the stupid coroners report. That I just wanted him to come home. Even social media stayed quiet.
Why does it always seem when I could really use people they run away from me?
My husband used to notice this all the time. He was the only one who never ran from me when I needed him.
Where is he!? I need him!! I need him. I just wish someone could just come over with some food or just be here - but there's no one, there never was other than him...there never will be anyone here for me.
I'm hurting so much today,Tin. I need you.
D
Deleted member 12723
@Medic72 I remember the great need to talk to anyone that could bear the discomfort of listening to me talk about my husband which is what I wanted to do. Death, suiciide is just a painful taboo subje wict for most people I think
I was ultra sensitive during the first year and did not know how to be able to do this with others who just say get over it and move on. Yes I wanted to move on but I was not ready at all and did not have coping skills nor healing for this to happen before I was rated and I think that the first year was the hardest.
I hope that all goes well with you on the buisiness end of what you are up against especially right now. You are doing your very best and I understand how things can become so overwhelming.
I am so very sorry about the insurance denying the claim. This happened to me with my son. I realize it is not the same thing, but I really feel for you.
Just keep on taking care of you.
I was ultra sensitive during the first year and did not know how to be able to do this with others who just say get over it and move on. Yes I wanted to move on but I was not ready at all and did not have coping skills nor healing for this to happen before I was rated and I think that the first year was the hardest.
I hope that all goes well with you on the buisiness end of what you are up against especially right now. You are doing your very best and I understand how things can become so overwhelming.
I am so very sorry about the insurance denying the claim. This happened to me with my son. I realize it is not the same thing, but I really feel for you.
Just keep on taking care of you.
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