My husband died today

[NarcSis]

@scout86 thank you, I needed that.

I took the day off but managed to drag myself out to the local park to get the dog walked - he's so happy on his walks he practically smiles, I couldn't deny him that. I figured the fresh air would do me good but I was still just as exhausted when I got home.

I've written my list of things to do tomorrow and I plan to take the entire day to do them; plenty of recovery time between tasks.

I can do this. I can survive. I can keep going. Uggggh, I want to roll off the edge of the earth. I just need to rest.

I need his arm draped over me, snuggling like we used to. :(

 

[scout86]

I'm glad to hear you made it through the day AND got a walk in! :) I think a lot of 'normal people' don't get that sometimes it really does help to have someone literally tell you what you need to hear. Keep taking care of yourself! :hug:

 

[Heather]

@Medic72 my thoughts are with you.

Hugs to you.

 

[NarcSis]

Today was a bit of a better day, still tears coming through on occasion but I got all of my tasks done. The lawyer stuff got done (he now needs more, but I'll breathe and leave it to tomorrow), I took care of the dog and managed to get another big task done, foraging for my outdoor Christmas baskets.

I'm feeling so broken inside. I think it's hitting me that Christmas is coming up. The dog and I hiked for an hour and a half today through the woods gathering spruce bows for my project - just like I'd done with my husband last year. I took his backpack with me. At one point I was standing on the riverbank, looking toward the woods on the opposite side and for some reason, I had an image of him in my mind, standing on the opposite bank waving to me. I wanted to cross that river to be with him. Something alerted the dog and he was staring intently across the river as well. I raised my hand and said aloud, "I miss you. Are you there?"

The woods on the opposite side of the river are adjacent to the area where he died. I always picture him there hiking through the forest as though this is where he has been relegated too since his death. I don't know why I think that.

I'm also not really sure that this is a Christmas thing right now, I think it's actually the realization that December is the start of the 11th month already. Time is passing way too quickly. I want it to stop. I don't want to be that far away from him. I'm not ready for the year to be up. I'm just not ready. I thought I had more time. December seems like an entire month away but in two short weeks I'll be heading into the "home stretch" toward the anniversary of the worst day of my life.

I don't want him to be gone. I don't want it to be a year already. I want him to come home.

Uggh, I'm in tears right now. I burst into tears while watching tv today. I burst into tears while eating dinner. I don't have my husband anymore. I will never have my husband here by my side ever again. I could live another 40 years!! I can't face 40 years of being without him.

Why would he kill himself? I can never understand that, I can never answer that. Others say you have to forgive him in order to heal - did they forgive their husband for deciding that life with them wasn't worth it anymore? I know how quickly it can come up and bite you in the a$$ but how in hell was he not able to fight through it and survive when I've been surviving for so damned long already!?

Why did I have to survive? Why did it have to be me dealing with His death and not the other way around?

I just want him back here. I want him back in his physical form. I want him warm. I want to hear his voice. I want to know why he felt he needed to die - over something so ridiculous! Over something we could have dealt with, together, like how we dealt with everything.

Yesterday my doctor said, "I hate to sound insensitive but you seem way more independent now, you're getting out, you're doing things on your own - this is probably, sadly, the best thing that could have happened to you." I just didn't know how to respond. I felt like an idiot when I just smiled and nodded in agreement. How could his suicide be the best thing that's ever happened to me? I'm doing those things because I now have no choice. Am I choosing to be strong? No, I just have no other choice. There is no other choice!!!

I function or I die. I'm completely afraid to die now. It's like his death slapped me with the reality of suicide and even though I still get depressed and feel like I want to die; these episodes terrify me now. It's like it would somehow be wrong, like his suicide would have been in vain if I were to just follow him. I don't know if that makes any sense.

And yet, continuing to go on also feels so wrong without him here. I hate watching a sunrise knowing he can't see it and experience it with me. I hate not having a best friend to spend time with and confide in. He was mine. I have no "mine" anymore.

He died. He killed himself. He decided for himself the my life would be better without him. It's not. It's boring. I don't like it anymore. I just wish he could come home. :(

 

[scout86]

Yesterday my doctor said, "I hate to sound insensitive

He might have 'hated' to sound insensitive, but he sure managed to do it. Insensitive and also clueless. I'm tempted to be angry with him but maybe he's just that clueless.

I often think of existence as being like a river. When someone we care about dies, it's like they move off on another branch of the river, where we can't reach them. And we don't know where the river is going. If we wind up in the same place eventually, or what. But time passes, the river moves on, and it seems like we get farther apart, whether we want to or not. I'd like to be able to stop the river, and even back it up, if that was possible. I hate that feeling!

A friend of mine, who died of ALS, so he knew it was coming, wrote something he wanted read at his funeral. He said he didn't want us to feel sad for him, because he 'got out of this the only way he could'. He wanted us to go out an live a little of each day for him. To be kinder to each other and to appreciate every day a little bit more, just because that's what he wanted to do and he couldn't. We should do it for him. It doesn't always help, but a lot of times thinking of that really does help.

Way to go on the lawyer stuff! :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Horrible day today. Crying shortly after I woke up but just pushed on with my day.

Got the added stuff for the lawyer and just read his reply that it's not enough, one of the files I sent he can't read....arrrrggh!!! I'm leaving first thing in the morning for my sister's place so I need to get this done TONIGHT - and I'm feeling completely destroyed right now.

I got another cheque for my husband's estate, this stuff sends me into anxiety because number one, I hate having to go to the bank, number two I always expect a hard time. Well, guess what? I made it to the bank and yes, they gave me a hard time. We had a joint account but I was assured I could use this as the estate account as well, but every single time I go to make a deposit into that account I get the run around and made to feel like some sort of criminal. This is what happens when your husband dies without a Will.

And every single time I go to that stupid bank to deal with these issues I am reminded how my husband decided to blow himself away!

I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to say to them that I'm not trying to rob his estate, I'm trying to pay off a f*ing mortgage that he left me without any insurance or Will!! They refused to deposit his money into the account. I was in tears by the time I crossed the parking lot to my car. I was stifling sobs by the time I got home and as soon as the door closed I was howling in pain. My poor dog was terrified of me.

I was howling for at least an hour. I couldn't breathe, I just wanted to give up. In those moments life is just too hard to deal with. There are no visible solutions to anything and everything is just covered in doom and gloom. I'm exhausted now. I don't know what to make for dinner...I don't want to expend the energy just to feed myself.

I've got no energy left. I need him to come home. :(

 

[NarcSis]

Long day today. At my sister's place. I hate to say it but I feel better being here, there's someone to talk too. There's no traffic noise. It's quiet and cozy.

She almost made me cry today. We saw 4 mourning doves on a wire and she said, "Wow, I only ever see three of them; all the time I only see three together but look at that, there's four." I sort of knew what was coming next, my mom used to believe that mourning doves represented your dead loved ones, so yeah, she says, "I used to say, that's Mom, Dad and our brother, but now there's four, I guess Tin's with them now."

I don't know how I stopped myself from just bawling my eyes out. I hand to physically put my hand to my mouth and try to get a hold of myself. I finally managed to say, "Please, don't. Not today. I can't."

My emotions are very raw right now. I'm missing him so much I feel like my insides are being shredded.

I wish he could just come home to me.

 

[NarcSis]

We woke up to snow today and areas south of us actually got it worse than we did. I immediately thought, "I hope he has a safe drive home from work this morning." I had to remind myself that he doesn't have to drive home in bad weather ever again. I got up, moved around a bit and kept thinking, "I hope he's okay with an unshovelled driveway." And I kept feeling guilty that i'm not there to shovel.

This is the first of this seasons snowfall without him. It's making me sad. I'm anxious and worrying about him. It's a habit that I've developed over the past 8 years. I keep fighting the urge to text him to see if he's okay.

My sister is working today, so the dog and I are alone; it feels kind of lonely. On days like this in the past I would have been texting with him to help break the boredom. Now I just have to try to find something to do to occupy my time. I'd love to take the dog out and hike but it's below 0 degrees Celsius out there so I have to restrict his outdoor time today. I may consider taking a drive later on, maybe take the dog to a dog park to run.

My sister and I took a drive with the dog yesterday and when we were coming home a song came on the radio called, "Have you seen my ghost"; of course she turns it up with no second thought to me and then she says, "I want this played at my funeral." I turned my head and stifled the sobs as tears streamed down my face. I didn't want to hear the song but couldn't find my voice to defend myself. My sister looked over at one point as she was singing and must've seen me trying to contain the tears pouring from my eyes; she said, "Oh geez! I'm sorry, why didn't you say anything!?" I still had no voice so, of course, I couldn't even answer that question!

I think every day how he used to say he loved Christmas. I keep wanting to overdo the Christmas decorating this year and I feel guilty that over the past 3 years I was exhausted and not into the Christmas season. I decorated but complained that I had too and putting up the tree was a chore for me. This year, with him gone, I feel like there is no more pressure to make Christmas "perfect". I want to go crazy and decorate everything almost out of guilt (in an attempt to make it up to him now that it's too late) for the years I wasn't into Christmas.

I dread putting up his Christmas stocking. That stocking is older than I am. He said his grandmother knitted it for him when he was a little boy. I am going to continue to hang it up but I wonder in years to come, what can I do to preserve it? I'm sure his family would see no value in it, so I have no one to pass it too. Maybe I'll have it cremated with me when I die.

Missing him a lot today. Wishing I could just text him to see if he's okay.

 

[NarcSis]

Every time I wake up early in the morning I wonder, "Is this what time it was when he woke up that day?" I then lie in bed wondering, examining the light in the room, mentally comparing it to what I remember from that morning; is my mind seeing it wrong? Was it darker? Did I fall asleep again after he closed the door? How long was it before I picked up my iPod and started surfing the Internet? I know when I made a mental note of the time on my iPod it was 710. Had I been surfing before that or was that when I turned it on? What time was it when he got out of bed? Was it 4? 5? 6? 630?

The stupid investigator seemed to think that he shot himself at around 3am - I don't know why she thought that, rigor is not an accurate measure in cases like this because of the enormity of the trauma. Blood loss would have been massive and quick. The only accurate measure would have only been able to be obtained on autopsy unless the person wrote down the time...and there was no note.

It drives me insane. I doubt my recollection every single day now and likely will for the rest of my life.

I don't know what people do on the anniversary of their loved ones death - or should I say, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. What did he love? What is something that would honor him most?

I know other people tend to do things like lantern or balloon releases with notes inside but I live in an airport landing path, so this is probably not a safe thing to be doing. Others place lanterns in the water and send them out but I don't live near water and he wasn't exactly a water person. A dinner seems like too much for me to host. I'm not sure if going out to dinner would honor him in any way. Hiking is something I do for him every day now.

Should I be alone or make the effort to have someone with me? If I have someone with me will they miss the significance of the day for me?

Should I merely place roses in the area where he died? Should I wake up early and walk through what I only imagine are his last movements through the house?
Do I bother getting up at all or should I just get up, take care of the dog and go back to bed?

How do I make sure I feel loved on that day? How do I make sure he feels my love on that day?

I've got two whole months to live through yet, but it's really been on my mind lately.

The "Dreaded Anniversary". Every suicide widows most feared day. Some say it's easy, others say the anniversary reactions happen year after year. Still others have completely new husbands or partners by this date.

I'm not looking forward to this day but I'm also anxious to get it over with and at the same time, I don't want this year to end already.

I want time to go in reverse and bring him back to me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel for you so much, you are so tortured by your thoughts and questions unanswered. Sending you hugs.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[DharmaGirl]

My brother, who lived with me because of PTSD, hung himself in October of last year. I know he's around still, and I talk to him. I made over his room into a craft room, but I don't go in much. When I do I talk to him. On the anniversary, I took Klonopin every 8 hours and didn't get out of bed. This probably isn't helpful, but I got through the day. My thoughts are with you, and have been, but I've been too upset to comment until now. Whatever you need to do, or want to do on the anniversary is what you should do. May you be safe, may you be well, may you be filled up with love.

 

[NarcSis]

I suck as a sister.

Out of the goodness of my heart I booked us into a resort because my sister has been wanting "to get away". Of course I'm paying for it. So we get here, it's a pet friendly room in the basement. It's cold and she's complaining that she's going to get a bladder infection if she has to sleep in the bed. There is no room service here even though they have three restaurants on site and I'm not allowed to leave the dog unattended - I don't know about you but that makes it impossible to eat anything other than fast food because we can't very well leave the dog in the car in sub-zero temperatures.

This place is the most inconvenient place on the planet when you have an animal.

My sister is all grouchy and now so am I and I just want to die. I was just trying to be nice, I don't need to hear, "How much would you lose if we just left?" Ummm, ALL $400!!!!!

How f'ing ungrateful can a person be!? I need my husband! I need him here, now! I wish I'd just brought my own vehicle so I could just leave. Go home where my dog and I aren't so inconvenient to other people!

This after I'm just trying to be nice! I don't need to hear, "well, I didn't ask you to do this..."

Why do I always get sh*t on in life!? I get treated like this after I gave her $200 the other day when she didn't have money and then paid an outstanding bill she couldn't pay in the amount of $700!!!!!

Why do I help people? Why do I bother trying to be nice to anyone!?

Uggh, I just wish the world would end.

I need you, Tinny. I still needed you! :(