@gizmo I'm sending you hugs and strength back.
@Angelkeeper/AKJ my memories are so much more than pain but when I look at his pictures now I could be looking at a dinner plate, nothing stirs; no memories at all just a complete disconnection. It's very unnerving, I should feel something.
@Jadee you're right. I'm feeling like I have to dump the past in the past and push on but just like I was at the beginning of this trauma I have no definition for me. No goals. No future. Just a blank slate & no clue what to write on it. When you say, "this is a spoon" is there an emotional connection to that statement? That's how I feel here two days after this treatment when I say,"I'm a widow and I live alone." Three days ago those words tore through me and turned me inside out, today, meh, they're just mere facts.
I think now that I feel it's HIM who's been taken from me, like the saying, With Great Love Comes Great Sorrow, there's no longer sorrow, it feels like the love I felt for him was stolen from me.
Last year the 31st was on this day. Last year at this time I was throwing things in a bag and racing angrily out the door because he always said his dad used to leave them and not come back and he'd never do that to me - here he was, doing it to me! He wasn't answering my texts. My calls went to voicemail. He was just silent.
He was silent because last year, on Sunday Jan. 31st he was sitting in his car on the side of a dead end street, cold, with a shotgun blast wound in his side. He was no longer alive. He'd left me without a word or explanation. He took two shells from his lock box in the bedside table and he left our room with every intent to shoot himself.
He didn't ask for help. He didn't pause to say he loved me. He didn't sit and write out Goodbye. He didn't ask me to stay with him. He just got up, went to the basement and I assume cleaned his gun, I don't really know what he did or how long he was down there, all I know is that I heard what sounded like an interior door slam at some point and I was annoyed at him for still being upset over nothing. Over something we weren't even sure of. He was making a mountain out of a molehill. I rolled my eyes because he had a tendency to be overly dramatic.
I guess every drama has to have a climactic curtain call because he left the house and shot himself. And he died. Alone. Cold.
I might as well be reading a script for the amount of emotion writing that just generated in me. Usually I'd be wiping tears and crying. Now, nothing. That could be someone else's husband I'm talking about.
Who am I without this pain!? I'm just me, a full whole who is no longer half of anything - no loss. It's wrong. We were inseparable for 20 years. I SHOULD feel this. I don't want my pain erased. It's wrong.
So all of those people who've overcome their trauma and carried on with their lives, did they feel this blank? Just wake up one morning and it's all gone? Hocus pocus wave the wand and abracadabra you're healed?
Or is this messing with a depth of trauma they didn't realize? Is my world going to re-implode in a month from now again?
My T wanted me to do another session yesterday to clear the numbness. I don't think this is numb. This is just a lack of pain. What happens if I never feel pain for anything again?
Besides, each session costs $80, it's so easy for her to say, "call me today and we'll clear this out for you." Meanwhile it's my bank account that's suffering.
I don't know what just happened to me and Lord knows I'm not going to do any more of this until I see some scientific backing, heaven forbid we just accidentally slammed some doors shut permanently here. I mean she literally was just trained in the method. She's still referring to the manual! Uggh. I don't want to do any more of this.
I should be mourning. My loving husband died 363 days ago in the most horrific way. I feel nothing about that today except a cognitive sense of I should be sadder.
I'm going out to buy a rose tomorrow and some bacon to go with our pancakes - he loved pancakes. I'll eat those on the anniversary day.
I wish there wasn't an anniversary. There shouldn't be. He should still be here.
