My husband died today

[stillstanding2]

PTSD mind doesn't get that he's gone. It searches the room when I partially wake up at night and notes th...

All you are saying is amazingly clear. I think some of the questions you have may have answers eventually, but not of course the biggest one, which is "Why?"

For other things, such as the coroner's report, the ammunition, the "investigator" and some others, you may learn more in time. If there are things that others believe might upset you more, they could be withholding out of temporary fear for your well-being. But facts will remain facts, and you are entitled to know them, so the case will never be closed until you close it yourself, carefully.

And your mind, with or without PTSD, doesn't have to "get" that he is gone. Part of him never will be, since that part is in you.

That's why I never use the word, "C-L-O-S-U-R-E". I had an instant shock the first time someone used that word regarding the loss of my wife. The person who used it meant me the best, and in fact, she had been the person to introduce my wife to me. She is even a therapist, specializing in PTSD.

However, I was stunned, thinking that that word suggested slamming a door and locking me out of a world containing not only my wife, but also her things and her memories. It meant tearing away what I loved most, including the part of her still living in me. I don't tell many people about those beliefs, and I know not to burden relationships with such thoughts. But I will never accept amnesia of the rare person who married me.

I hope you get some appropriate answers to some of your haunting questions. Maybe it would help to explain to a trusted someone which answers might be found, and delegate that person to find them for you. Take care, dear. We're with you if needed.:hug:

 

[scout86]

They were originally investigating it as a homicide...why would anyone kill him?

They may have had a hard time believing it was suicide for a variety of reasons.

"self inflicted gun shot wound". To me that says "suicide" doesn't it?

An accident might also result in a "self-inflicted" wound. Just as all things that are, technically, "homicides" are not murder.

No one's told me anything -

That just seems deeply and truly "Wrong". You're grieving, which is normal and natural, but you're also dealing the things as they come up. They should answer your questions as best they can. Is it possible that your family has given the investigators the impression you aren't able to deal with things and are running interference that you don't need or want?

Apparently my other brother, the minister mentioned that he felt I should be placed in a mental institution of some kind "because of her inability to look after herself because of her PTSD"

That's kind of alarming (at least to me). But my family might be a bit like your husband's and I have a biological brother I wouldn't trust any further than I can throw him. You might need someone like you T to stick up for you at some point. Someone who really knows you and what you can handle and how.

How do you come to terms with that?

Slowly and a little at a time, is the only way I can imagine.

He sounds like such a wonderful man and the relationship you had sounds so special! Any loss like this is a tragedy, but this seems especially unfair. I wish there was a way to roll back time and provide him a do-over.

 

[stillstanding2]

An accident might also result in a "self-inflicted" wound. Just as all things that are, technically, "homicides" are not murder.

This is an excellent point, now that it's said. It could possibly explain no note? No warning signs? I wouldn't try to promote denial of the facts, but freak accidents do happen. There may have been no "intent," especially if he was inexperienced with that shotgun.

Forgive me, if you can, for even touching this subject, since it doesn't relieve the facts. But that possibility is very real from what you have said. The police may have checked the gun for defects or a dangerous "hair trigger." That would have made a difference to me.

 

[NarcSis]

freak accidents do happen. There may have been no "intent," especially if he was inexperienced with that shotgun.

Stillstanding2, I agree with this statement, however, there was also no quantifiable reason for him to have left the house with this shotgun at 7am. He was not a hunter. He'd never fired this particular weapon since he purchased it over a year ago. We live in a suburban neighborhood.

On scene there were no signs of loss of control of the vehicle along the dirt shoulder of the road, so the gun did not accidentally discharge in transit. His vehicle was parked in a straight line, properly off to the side of the roadway. More than likely the weapon was loaded inside the vehicle.

I just wish people weren't afraid to give me the fcking details of this investigation. Yes, I have PTSD. No I'm not a monster nor am I mentally incapable of "handling" this. I'm not some fragile flower, I've lived 8 years in hell, what is another trip into the depths to me?

I think what this is, is actually a PTSD trigger - they've removed power from me and are not intent on giving it back. Huge issue for me throughout this entire PTSD battle with my former employer.

I'm not incapable. I'm not "mentally ill". I have PTSD. I have a disorder of stress regulation. Whoopee!

 

[scout86]

I think what this is, is actually a PTSD trigger - they've removed power from me and are not intent on giving it back.

I hadn't thought of that as a trigger, but I can see it, now that you say it. The idea of them taking control and not wanting to give it back was what concerned me about what you said your one brother had said. There's no good reason for them to do that. (Even if they think they're "helping".)

 

[stillstanding2]

I think what this is, is actually a PTSD trigger - they've removed power from me and are not intent on giving it back. Huge issue for me throughout this entire PTSD battle with my former employer.

Wonderful point. You need to be allowed to exercise your own power, especially to overcome this crisis. Does your therapist understand that? I wish somebody would let you call the plays as you see them. Nobody can call them better than you are to us.

I'm frankly awestruck at how well you write your thoughts under such pressure. If I owned a newspaper, I'd hire you for commentary in a minute. You definitely have power, and we hear it. Take care.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish you had a legal advocate to help you, to guard your back and fight for you alongside of you. I do not even know if this is possible but it sure pisses me off that you are being treated the way you are. I would probably feel the same as you if I were in your situation.

 

[NarcSis]

Pressure valve just let loose. My sister and I went grocery shopping, I experienced severe panic and extreme social anxiety. I held it together and we came home. Shortly afterward I burst into tears with deep, deep sorrowful sobbing.

My sister was getting "jittery" and she didn't understand so I explained how anxiety works. Shortly afterward, she also burst into tears.

The tension building in me feels slightly less. I'm hating this emotional roller coaster.

 

[stillstanding2]

I'm hating this emotional roller coaster.

And you're riding it out. Maybe your sister can too. That's what "pressure valves" are for. Take care, dear. Thanks for telling us.

 

[NarcSis]

Y,Y,Y,Y!??????

How the hell could this have happened to him? Everyone keeps saying, "Well, he bought a shotgun..." and insinuating he's been suicidal this whole time!!!

We bought a huge pack of chicken legs for dinner that Monday. We were supposed to go hiking that day. He bought enough washer fluid to get both of us through the winter just two days before he shot himself!! These are not the actions of a man obsessed with dying!

He bought the shotgun because one of his colleagues invited him duck hunting "sometime" and another who's a competitive shooter encouraged him to research skeet shooting. He's got a case of skeet shot in the basement!!!

I lived with him. I knew him inside and out. Who the hell are all of these people assuming they know who he was and what he was thinking!!!???

How dare they assume to know him better than I did!?

People just can't stop thinking bad of suicides - there had to be something mentally wrong with him, right? Ummm no!!! Not until that crisis on the Saturday before he shot himself.

He was under stress, yes but it was a vicious combination of things - pre burnout stress at work (we've worked through it before), physical injury, a time sensitive medical review which took a huge toll on him ( a LOT of rumination) and the icing on the cake the physio guy telling him he had an enlarged heart!

That's it. That's the soup he was swimming in. Imagine being the sole means of financial and psychological support for a PTSDer in a high stress job that involves care giving. Now imagine that you feel management is working against you.

I don't know exactly how the morale is in his workplace right now but he routinely came home with complaints and stories of others being angry or mistrustful of management. I hate to say that there are likely some psychopaths in his workplace but I've seen enough damage done in the past by certain people that I always gave him warning when he started listening to them speak.

My old partner indicated to me that there are a few rather vocal people trying to create dissonance within the ranks, so if he was constantly being exposed to that negativity then yes, it could affect his mood.

I know he was having difficulty dealing with his current severely inexperienced partner and that was tiring him out and really wearing him down. You could see the toll it was taking on him.

With not getting an acting supervisor spot he remarked just the days prior, "If I didn't ha e bad luck, I'd have no luck at all" but that was in a text and he was usually laughing when he'd say it in the past.

Things people say trying to make sense of it, the things you think trying to make sense of it;none of that makes a difference. He's dead, we can't change that.

I can't make it okay or explain it like they want to hear or tell them it's all my fault or whatever. I can't. The only one with the explanation is dead.

It wasn't my fault. Just stop looking to blame it on someone or something. Uggh.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Medic72 , of course it's not your fault! :(

Some people can't say 'stuff', I think around 25% actually. Doesn't mean he loved you less, or that it's your fault, or even that it was his fault. Just tragic. :(

Do you think an online support group for survivors of a loved one's suicide might help? You could do it privately & no one would know.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[stillstanding2]

Imagine being the sole means of financial and psychological support for a PTSDer in a high stress job that involves care giving. Now imagine that you feel management is working against you.

Sadly, ma'am, I know exactly this one, inside-out. Events had a different order. But the realities and their effects were the same.

It is the crushing combination I endured, in addition to my wife's death.

Not even winning a 10-year solo legal case against my hostile managers stopped the calamities I'm still self-isolated, but by comparison, I am no longer a genuine bull's eye. Selfish? Damn right! Working on it? Damn right!