My husband died today

[stillstanding2]

I won't single out any specific quotes from you @Medic72, because there are so many fine ones to choose from. You have amazed us with your strength, intellect and ability to write even the most painful things. And you are profoundly talented in LIVING. You have described so much genuine emotion so well that I have zero worries about your making it out of the jungle you've been crawling through.

The striking thing is that you have the guts to feel NOW every detail of your ordeal. That is incredibly admirable. Many people can not LIVE THROUGH so much pain without delaying phases of it just to keep their sanity. I so much admire you. Please keep writing.

 

[jaccat]

I'm glad to hear the money siruation is sorting out. I've been in a similar situation myself, close to losing my home through the death of a loved one, and I know just how much extra pressure that can put on you. Once it's sorted you may find yourself feeling even more lost without that extra strain, make sure you take it easy. You have as much time as you like to find yourself now.

As others have said I am so impressed by your strength and the clarity with which you express yourself at this time. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that your anger at your husband for his bad choice, is a valid reason for anger at him and very normal for what you have gone through so you do not have to feel guilt at being and feeling anger. Hugs.

 

[NarcSis]

My day was okay. I was chugging along fine keeping myself busy but then came the evening and a panic induced swearing session resulted in my obsessively searching through piles of paperwork for a missing important envelope. I was missing my survivors benefits card and I knew it had come in but in the constant paper shuffling that's been going on for the past two weeks, I'd misplaced it. The thing is, you see, that I'd also been doing a lot of sorting and shredding and recycling. My heart was in my throat, I was being hard on myself, I went into a panic mode where my world was ending unless I could find that stupid envelope.

I didn't eat. I didn't rest. I didn't stop to calm myself and think, I just dove in and started searching. Three hours later, I found the envelope and the crisis was over. Weight was lifted from my shoulders, anvil didn't fall on my head and I went downstairs to rest my back which was now screaming in pain. No food. No rest. Sudden downtime - yep, I had an emotional meltdown. The crying fit was very intense.

After I managed to eat dinner I noticed I was checking the clock - checking to see how many more hours my husband had left at work. I got intensely sad the third time I calculated the number of hours left until 1am because I realized what I'd been doing. He's not coming home. He's not at work. It doesn't matter how many hours until 11pm or 1am anymore. I could go to sleep at 7pm if I wanted too because there is no reason to stay awake anymore.

I wanted to distract by checking fb. I'd posted about his various Punisher t-shirts and my niece commented on this because she thought it was so funny he had so many. Well, I'd been up tidying up his closet today and found those shirts, I'd smiled and run my hands over them and hugged them then folded them nicely and put them away. I was instantly sad again. I spent at least another half hour crying, just missing him so intensely.

I think the reality of my being alone is now starting to set in. I go to say something aloud and it sounds so striking against the silence of the house. I feel like an idiot talking to the air so I end up lowering my voice to a half whisper. The thing is, it feels so different knowing he's not just temporarily away, he's gone and never coming back. It's not even like he's just living somewhere else, he's dead. In my head I see him smile and it eats me up inside because I'll never actually see that smile ever again.

I whisper to him every night in bed. I remind him that he's loved still by me. I tell him that I'm sorry he had to go away and that I wish I could have stopped him. I tell him how much I needed him to stay here with me and how I know it was not my choice. I even hesitate to say it was his "choice" to leave, he was lost and there was no other choice. I tell him I do not blame him, even if it ended up being an accident, I tell him I was always there with him in his heart, he was never alone facing down death, I was with him.

I wonder too why I did not "feel" him leave like I did my brother. That little shaking in the pit of my stomach I got when my brother died, it made just one word come to mind, "gone" - I remember that as clear as day. I was 13, I was on the toilet. My mom was on the phone with my aunt in the middle of the night as my dad was rushing to the scene. As far as we knew, my brother was in a car accident and was hurt. I began to wash my hands and my heart just sank into my stomach as that word popped into my head. I just knew. It was like I felt him leaving. I came out of the bathroom crying and my mom asked me what was wrong, I said, "He died." My dad came through the door 15 minutes after that as my mom tried to reassure me that he was just hurt and when he told her, I heard the most horrible scream I've ever heard in my life.

That day when I was driving around looking for my husband, I was afraid that maybe he'd hurt himself or gotten into a car accident but I did not FEEL him leave me, not like I did the day my brother died. I couldn't sense him at all but when I purposely "scanned" my insides for "traces" of him, the pit of my tummy shook and the word "dead" came to my head. I denied it almost immediately. I wasn't ready to hear that. Oddly, no one would ever actually say to me that he was indeed dead - you wonder why they're suddenly getting retraining on death notifications, huh?

I don't like thinking of that day. I don't like feeling those emotions anymore. I want to try to find the good in all of this, if there is any to be found. I want to remind myself to appreciate what he gave me not what he took away from me. Right now, remembering our happy times is bittersweet. I can't laugh. I can only smile sadly.

I wish I could hear him laugh just once more. Feel him near me on the bed at night or God, what I would give to hear him snore! Seriously, I miss his sleep apnea and his snoring! If you have a spouse that snores and you hate it, just think how much you'd miss it if you were never to hear it again. It was like a ticking clock for me, scared me sometimes, but it was like white noise.

Today, I miss him a lot.

 

[stillstanding2]

just think how much you'd miss it if you were never to hear it again.

This is the kind of realization I came to sadly after losing my wife. I still become angry whenever I see a mated couple ignoring each other, and certainly when I see hurt or resentment between them. I've almost stepped out of bounds when seeing spouses take each other for granted or putting each other down. Gotta be careful about that.

But once again, you are facing the adjustments amazingly well. It is OK to feel whatever you feel, moment-to-moment, for as long as you want to. We're with you, whether we write or just read.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic72 I remember the great stacks of jungle papers I had accumulated and the sick panic that would hit me when I could not find a paper that I needed. So I can relate to that very much.

You will be ok and get through this and it just takes time to mourn the great loss and heal and I think that you are grieving better than I did. I cut off my emotions to handle the buisiness arrangements etc.

It will evenutally get better and I think that when the great memories begin to bombard you, treasure them because they are written on your heart and soul. You will get through this mourning and feel better, it sucks but it takes a long time to heal and recover from this kind of loss and yours is so much more complicated by the suicside and you have training to back you up when ever you need to rely on it. Hugs.

 

[Thematrix]

Medic I am not sure what to say other than you are so strong and i hope today is going somewhat ok for you. I have hesitated to write because I did not know what I could say that would be helpful. Hug if you accept it.

 

[stillstanding2]

I cut off my emotions to handle the buisiness arrangements etc.

@Medic72, as I alluded before, you are wise in feeling as you go, and not suppressing your emotions. FEELING the present, experiencing even the worst factors and managing as many of them as you can, in whatever way you can, can perhaps keep you strong.

And being able to be alone to do what you can may be a hidden asset. I know that because new traumas, and others' needs quickly followed my actual loss, I hadn't the strength to experience all my own emotions as they surfaced. I was forced by ongoing external stresses, to delay some important feelings for years. And I have known some other people who have had to do the same.

You are, astoundingly, letting yourself express the range and intensity of grief in the present, and can perhaps avoid some of the guilt which can result from even temporary denial. Best wishes to you that you will continue to feel free to say it like it is right now. We applaud your courage. For some of us, you sometimes seem to do the crying we couldn't do. I hope this doesn't sound too strange.

So thanks for everything you say.

 

[NarcSis]

Everything was going swimmingly today. I was pretending everything was hunky dory and that I was simply just adjusting to a new way of life without him. I started a painting and that kept me busy for a couple of hours but then I ran out of white paint and I went down to the basement to see if I had more. That turned into another 3 hour session of tidying up his things. I have a huge pile of garbage in a box in the basement - I don't know how many pens we've accumulated over the years, but somehow they all ended up in the basement!

I forgot to eat lunch. Instead I was running up and down the stairs ferrying things back to where they should be, tools, books, etc. I was coming down the stairs from the second floor when i realized my head was really hurting me - because I hadn't eaten anything. Only then did I realize I never did look for the paint I'd originally gone down for. Survival dictates that food takes priority, so I started preparing something to eat and I put away all of my painting things.

I watched a hockey game. Tried to reach out to three people by text message because i was feeling lonely (these are people who said, "Any time night or day, just text me and I'll be there for you."). I got one reply hours later just as I was about to come to bed...lame excuse. It made me even lonelier knowing that these are only false friends, just like they were before when I went through the whole PTSD struggle. They came around out of shock and curiosity and were good and attentive at first but now, when my sister is gone and I need people, they're pulling away. No one texts to check up on me every day anymore. No one calls just to say hi. No one is messaging me on fb anymore. And now, no one is replying to my texts to them.

I knew it was going to happen but I held out hope that it wouldn't right? You don't ever want to believe that people will walk away from you again...but they are still the same people they were, so if history dictates how things will go, I will be completely alone in about a month. All that will be left in my life will be my sister - who stares at me like i have a hole in my head when I start trying to have an intellectual conversation with her. She even admits that she sees me talking but all she hears is nonsense because her mind is somewhere else; she doesn't understand what i'm talking about, so she tunes me out. Very disappointing.

Hubby and I used to have long and intense conversations about social issues, the environment, science, astronomy, history and physics. We'd also talk shop, he'd bitch about the stupidity of the new generation of medics and I'd try to validate his feelings and then try to get him to look at it from a different way to try to ease the stress he was under. Sometimes, you just can't stop the stress from building.

It struck me today that I keep having this ridiculous idea that he's gone into a witness protection program, that his death was just staged and he'll come back again when everything settles down and he's able to tell me why he left. Of course, the logic in that fails when I remember seeing him in that casket, accidentally touching his finger and feeling how unbelievably cold he was. I remember feeling the hair on the side of his head, being very careful not to touch his scalp so I wouldn't have to feel that eerie cold again..but I could feel it radiating out from him. He was an ice block. I remember his face, how he looked like he could just burst out laughing and sit up and tell me that it was all just a cruel joke. That is where the logic in that delusion fails. My mind is trying to make sense of his being gone from this house and it does not like to accept that he died.

I don't like to accept that he died. I keep looking at his picture and saying, "it's not real. Please tell me it wasn't real. You're going to laugh with me again."

I got into bed tonight and I couldn't help but feel intensely vulnerable. I'm in this house alone. No one has ever broken in or tried to break in at all in the many years we've lived here but being alone? I feel so supremely vulnerable in this house now. I check and double check the doors now before bed. I place a weight against my door at night. I make sure I have access to a weapon and my phone. I'm staying up late at nights now too. I've always been a little afraid of the dark, but now, even more so.

I asked him again tonight why he had to go. How it was him that died, not even took his own life, but died and left me here. I looked around the room at his things here, his shirt still hanging on the bedpost, his socks still on the floor, his towel still hanging on the bathroom door and I thought to myself, "How long will I keep these reminders of you around? Are they helping me adjust or just preventing me from adjusting? You're not coming back to use them so what are they waiting for?"

Oh and if I didn't mention it the other day, I washed the sheets. I put away his laundry that was in the laundry room, into a bin and tucked it nicely into his closet. I rearranged our file cabinet to start including My Files, My Bills etc. and I organized all of his old files down into another drawer. I even set up an Estate section. It's hard going through his papers and trying to determine what to keep and what to shred. My head gets so overwhelmed so easily.

I'm asking questions he can't provide answers to, that no one can provide answers to. I'm trying not to get stuck in a mind loop endlessly beating myself up with questions that can't be answered, instead I'm trying to find out what my needs are and focus on those. It's hard, I get so wrapped up in doing that I forget the basics of surviving like eating, my actual needs are not being felt fully just yet. I think tomorrow is a day for getting out of the house. Maybe I'll go out for a coffee or a drive, hopefully it's nice. I just need to focus on me and be mindful of my present day for a change...it's not purposely forgetting him, it's metering the amount of sadness that comes up.

I can handle this if I just take it in small doses. I can feel like me again, independent, self confident and in charge of my own life.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember when people walked away from me and how that felt. I remember going through the files which were a disaster because my husband had dementia and had thrown some important papers away. I remember organizing the files and it kept me busy for quite a while.

Good for you on getting out of the house. Good for you on organizing his things. I love that you are taking it in small doses because it is more manageable.

I remember the loneliness and the constant discomfort in finding my own way.

I think that you are mourning the loss of your husband very well. I remember being so exhausted and drained. I took so many naps.

Good for you on the painting. I remember going through the home and going through every room and getting rid of all of the needless junk my husband had been hanging onto. Luckily I had help by a young man who was cleaning my house once a week and he hauled so much piles of bags to the dumpster for me.

I remember when my husbands brother quit calling me and would keep the conversations when I called him very short ultimately he finally quit calling me altogether.

It was a series of losses for me and it was very painful with new awarenesses popping into my mind.

It will be three years for me, so hard to believe, but I have managed to start rebuilding my life and getting back passions that I had lost forever. My interest in life has returned to me and I am laughing so much now.

It does get better over time and I am confident that you will also rebuild your life and eventually heal quite a bit. It just takes time to pas in order to heal so I am very proud of you for accomplishing what you are. Hugs.

 

[stillstanding2]

I got into bed tonight and I couldn't help but feel intensely vulnerable.

Ma'am, I think you mentioned some pages back the idea of getting a pet. I don't have one myself now, but I do have a good alarm system, and I'm in a fairly low-crime area. Might I suggest that you consider adopting a mature rescue dog? Many of my friends have done that, and some of those critters are as laid-back but loyal as they can be. Many of them are just wonderful people-lovers, already trained, immunized and neutered from the animal shelter.

I've dog-sat for friends who couldn't take their buddies on trips, and never had a problem. In fact, I've generally become very attached to them. And they are great company. They mostly don't talk back, but they'll listen all day. And they'll sound an alarm if needed. Just a thought.

 

[NarcSis]

@stillstanding2, I want to get a shelter dog or puppy but until I know for sure what my financial situation is going to look like, I will have to wait. A friend of mine also said that I should wait because dogs are a huge investment, financially and time wise and likely not a good idea to take on while i'm still in these early stages of grieving. I just feel so vulnerable right now.

It's hard not believing in your own ability to look after yourself. I think about all of the potential things that can go wrong in this house, like shortly after he died, the speakers that he owned (OLD) suddenly started acting up and sound pretty horrible now. I took a look at them today and the foam around them is disintegrating! So now I have to figure out how to DIY them because I can't afford new ones and it seems like such a waste to toss them because the speaker is good its just the foam that's done. There are other things that need repair that are now my responsibility, like the roof, I have to re-stain the deck this year, repair the lawn trimmer, check all the caulking around the windows, repair cracks in the basement...."man's work". We were supposed to replace the lighted number on our house this spring - the new one is sitting in the garage waiting to be installed...I'm not doing any electrical work, now way in H. There are things that were just his responsibility that he never bothered to teach me...like how to reprogram the channel changer, how to work the apple tv thing, or install and use any of these external hard drives he's got hanging around the house. I will be doing a lot of internet research, I think.

I was watching tv tonight, watching our usual Sunday night show and in one scene one of the characters gets shot in the side and people around him are pressing his side trying to stop the bleeding and I couldn't help but think of my husband. He shot himself in the side. He bled out in that car. I was in tears crying hysterically for 10 minutes. I didn't see him that day. I never saw his wounds, I was merely told of them but that was enough of a reminder that I was in hysterics wondering if he suffered that day. It keeps running through my mind, was it painful? Did he suffer? Was he afraid? Did he regret his choice when it was too late? Did his heart stop immediately or did he miss and die slowly?

I hate being reminded of that day. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I'm trying so hard to block that day from my mind. I'm trying to forget it. I don't want to think of him dead in that stupid car. I don't want to think of how upset he was the day before. How fine he seemed that morning. I don't want to remember that day and the things I "could have" done. there's no point in thinking of could haves.

I may install a lock on my bedroom door just to make myself feel better. An alarm system will cost me too much. There are also other things that I have to remember things, like I am trained in unarmed hand to hand combat and thanks to my husband, I know the basics of knife fighting, wrestling and pressure points. I know how to defend myself and I know how to distract and get away. I only ever hope that if something were ever to go wrong that the PTSD doesn't get in the way of those skills.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for. The fact that I have been getting out of bed each morning since that day is proof of that....but being strong doesn't mean I don't still miss him or need him in some way. I do miss him, every minute. I came out of the kitchen after dinner and said to the empty room, "Bacon and eggs okay for breakfast tomorrow?" just like I would have if he were here. I think I did it just to actually use my voice today. It made sad.

i dread going to bed. Lately i'm staying up until well after midnight, sleeping a few hours and then staying awake until 6 or 7 before falling asleep again until 10. I really wish I had someone I could just call to talk too. So far the grief support organizations I've gotten in touch with have directed me elsewhere and the one that was supposed to be researching local resources for me hasn't bothered to contact me again. Once again, this is not going to be easy and I don't think I'll have any practical support system to rely on. It's looking like it's going to be me (and everyone here) against the world again.

It's hard grappling with this alone.