My Husband Has PTSD

[mrsempty]

So my husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 4. he was deployed for a second tour in Iraq right after the wedding. After 18 months he finally came home. I had done everything I could to make our new home together as comfortable for him as possible, as we didn't live together when we married.

He's been home for nearly 2 years now, and it's only been a downhill roller coaster. He's told me he thinks we aren't compatible anymore, and that more or less everything is my fault. He snaps at me all the time, and makes fun of me over stupid things and makes me feel horrible. He lacks physical affection unless it's just for sex. He was drinking to excess after his return, and while drunk emotionally detached but abused me at the same time. He even went so far as to put his arms all over another girl when we were at a party together and he was drunk, but after telling him how much that hurt to witness, he tells me it's all in my head and he did nothing wrong. I tell him that I should be the only one he's affectionate with like that and his excuse is he's never been affectionate. And that he probably never will be. Even after watching him do this more than once with another woman.

He gets angry a lot more often since he started taking meds for anxiety/ptsd. And it's gotten so difficult to not fight him back when he yells at me. It's like I can't say or do anything right anymore. I cry a lot and he tells me it's my problem, not his, that I need the help and medication to get me under control.

We are in counseling through the VA. But I'm at my wits end about him treating me the way he does. I told the counselor that I'm on the fence about leaving him, but I love him more than words and I could never leave. But at the same time he's threatened that it's over and "he's done" several times.

It's hard to try and not make him feel bad about how he treats me, and it's gotten to the point where he doesn't want my opinion on anything anymore. So i dont know how to talk to him without crying, and when I cry he doesn't understand and yells at me while i'm in tears.

I've dumped boyfriends for so much less than this. It's like not only do I want to be supportive, but I also feel abused and broken. His behavior has peaked my own personal jealousy issues and that causes fights because he doesn't care that things he does upset me.

He has quit drinking, and is going to the VA hospital about his ptsd and everything, but nothing seems to have changed. granted it's only been 2 months, but I feel so helpless and alone. I am so sick of crying all the time, and fearing he'll leave me if I do or say anything. I'm not just walking on eggshells I'm walking on broken glass too.

Even now I fear he'll leave so I feel like I need to prepare for it, and maybe even leave him first so I'm not as devastated.

We have good and bad days, but it's really hard to have a good day, and put on a smile around him when he makes me feel like everything I'm doing is wrong, and i'm the cause of all of our problems. He's very good at deflecting the guilt onto me.

but the problem with that is I'm an Army wife, and I have a 10 year old daughter to worry about. And I dont have the best job to take care of her and I alone, or a place to go if something did happen. I think about what I'd have to do if we split up, and it's becoming very consuming to the point of complete depression for me.

I'm so lost and in pain.

 

[her_indoors43]

marriage can be so shitty hey......:Hug_emoticon:......when he being an asshole....put snot on his pillow and say nothing..........go to sleep and sleep well...dont swap pillows....child ish yes.....but makes ur smile as you drop off to sleep......:thumbs-up...

:naughty:her you shouldnt tell her to do that.......

:dontknow:why not its a neat trick......:eek:.(..goes off laughing like muttly the dog.. from the cartoons.....hehehehehehehe)

go on try it....
.oh and welcome to forum mate......

 

[Shoka]

No Excuse For Abuse

I've dumped boyfriends for so much less than this. It's like not only do I want to be supportive, but I also feel abused and broken. His behavior has peaked my own personal jealousy issues and that causes fights because he doesn't care that things he does upset me.

He has quit drinking, and is going to the VA hospital about his ptsd and
I'm so lost and in pain.

Dear Mrsempty,

I'm glad you are both in counseling.

One thing to consider is that being a carer does not mean you should put up with being emotionally or physically abused or humiliated.

The times I've been most depressed in dealing with my sufferer are the times I haven't protected myself or followed through with my boundaries. I have been there with the crying and having him react with anger to my tears and it is VERY painful and hurtful.

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, I really have felt this sort of pain and confusion too. On the one hand you want to stay, but on the other hand you need to make the break. It is difficult. If I didn't have my own therapist to talk these issues through, I don't know where I'd be today.

Keep coming back to the forum Mrsempty. Read as much as possible.

Hang in there
Shoka

 

[mrsempty]

Thank you for replying. It means so much to know I'm not alone in feeling these things.
I actually talked to him this morning, and told him about this forum, and what i had read thus far. how I found I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy. Well, not as crazy as he's made me think I am. He listened as I talked, even though I still had to choose my words carefully.
And i mentioned the boundaries thing. He asked for examples of what I mean by boundaries. And it was so hard to come up with anything then and there, which he hates. But it was a good conversation. I tried to stay calm about everything and he handled it well.

So I will keep reading, I read so much yesterday I didn't really know where to start when I talked to him. I'll have to start writing things down.

But any advice on what kind of boundaries to set, and how to word it...
Like I said, we've only been in counseling for 2 months, and progress is VERY slow going.

I did give him one example, about when I am upset and crying, because hey, I'm still a woman, that as I support him through so much sometimes all i need back from him is to hold me when i'm crying, and whatever i'm crying over can wait to be talked about until I calm down, that way I dont say things impulsively and he doesn't get upset and yell at me. I'm just glad he listened to me when I brought it up this morning, he was in a good mood so it helped.

And again, thank you so very much for your kind words. I'm sure you know what it means to me.

M.E.

 

[Din]

I am a Former Army SOF soldier. My wife left me two months ago. I have MTBI and PTSD.

Please give him time. I wish my wife had given me another 6 months to get my shit together. ENcourage him and go to the VA with him. Talk to his counselor. It is hard for a Soldier, especially an NCO, to admit he has problems. It took me 2 years to admit I had Survivor Guilt, and a 16 months to get treated for my brain injury.

My prayers are with you.

 

[her_indoors43]

:Hug_emoticon:hey thats really cool you and hubby had a chat.....

really happy for you....um..ignore my bad advice earlier......:crazy:they have been minor coping tricks ...and no havent pulled that stunt on my hubby in years cause he onto me.....

:poke:...
see her that snot funny.....:eek://anyhoo.......better go find a clean pillow slip before mrempty turns up to read this...ouch....sorry mrs.....welcome to mr.E

 

[her_indoors43]

um and hey din.....:Hug_emoticon:sorry your having a shitty time too.....hope things get better and work out mate......

 

[sarah1]

I'm so sorry...

Dear Mrs Empty,

I used to date a man like that and let me tell you... It is absolutely not worth it.

So, he may be struggling with this disease, as I do, but that is NO excuse to damage and abuse everyone around him. You know, with treatment like that, you may very well be the next one to struggle with this disease. No matter how hard it is to live everyday with the the memories and trauma associated with PTSD, it is our responsibility as the victims to help ourselves, not become victimizers as well to the ones who desperately love us.
I mean, to be perfectly honest, he's being a complete asshole and you deserve better than that. If you can't convince yourself of that look into your 10 year old daughter's eyes and know that she deserves better than that. She should not grow up witnessing her mother being disrespected, abused, mistreated. What would that teach her about relationships? How will she let her future husbands and boyfriends treat her after having grown with this example? No doubt she believes it's wrong but unless she sees you stand up for yourself and demand better she will simply accept that this is the way it works sometimes, that this is okay if you really love someone. Can you imagine her one day being treated by her husband the way yours treats you?
Get out of there, as fast and as far as you can. You will make it. It's funny, we women, especially single mothers, have amazing thresholds for work and survival. It may seem daunting and impossible but you can absolutely make it work on your own if you really understand that it is vital.
After 2 years of enduring my boyfriends abuse, emotional unavailability, cheating, etc, I finally left him. We were living in Florida together and I packed up my car and drove 3500 miles to Seattle, started a new life for myself. And though it was the most difficult thing I have ever done and I was so tempted to turn around and come back, I didn't. I had flown one of my former co-workers in to make the drive with me. I think I knew I would need the emotional support and distraction. And if I hadn't done that, I very well might have turned back.
But you know, once I made it here, I've never looked back, never regretted leaving. I mourned for a long time but it really was the smartest decision I've ever made. I don't have family (they were my abusers) so aside from a couple friend/acquaintances, I had no one to help me. But if you do have good friends or family, let them know what's going on, let them know you need help. I'm positive they will do whatever they can for you if they know what you're enduring.
And don't be ashamed to make use of whatever government programs there are out there for single mothers. They exist to help women in exactly your situation. When you pull out that WIC card or food stamps, hold your head high, knowing that you did what was right by your daughter and yourself and didn't take any more abuse just so you could have a steady provider. Accepting provisions from an abuser seems to me a little like taking a bit of poison with every meal.
If you want to, leave the door open for him to change and become healed from his problems. Then you might consider possibly trying the relationship again. But he needs to work through it without you there to destroy in the process. Maybe you're leaving would give him just the wake up call he needs to realize how very large and expansive his problems really are.

I'm sending lots of strong energy your way :-)

 

[ANCHOR]

This behavior sounds abusive...

I would suggest that you make a private appointment with a local women's shelter to speak to a counselor about what your options might be. These shelters sometimes operate under different names and if you can't seem to google one or find it in the phone book, simply call the general phone number for you local police department and tell them what you are looking for. They have to refer women who have been abused so they will have the number. Shelter's can get you out until you can get safe again.

I just left my husband, recently ex-military and his behavior was similar. He eventually ceased to physically abuse me and would only verbally assault me after several months of standing up to him. But I was never able to be myself without feeling like he would blow up any minute...so I called police and shelters and even distant friends to get support and ideas about how to get out.

If he is verbally abusing you then he is also hurting the idea that your child has of what a man should be like. The environment could harm the perception of the child for many many years into adulthood, even at the young age of ten, so it is important to find ways to support your childs emotional growth and understanding of the situation...once you get safe.

If you can manage anything...it is worth it. Even if he has PTSD, he can get help, from the VAhospitals for free...and if he won't get help for himself because he keeps blaming you, then he is being abusive to you both. If you sneak to a library and read one book on domestic violence and abuse you will see the methods they use and how they parallel your experience. You will also see that men who do not get help often never change and that men who do get help often never change enough to be completely healthy. AND REMEMBER, IF HE LOVED YOU, HE COULD GET HELP NOW, FOR FREE!! And if he won't get help, you could be developing your own version of PTSD, as well. That is why I am writing you today.

Good luck. Going through this is very hard. Every decision seems terrifying and no matter what you do, stay or leave, it will take many months, possibly even years to deal with the symptoms of response to trauma for either of you. Realistically.

 

[Shoka]

Hi Mrs Empty,

I think you should look at boundaries differently. When you are crying and you need him to hold you, IMHO that is not a boundary, that is a need. A boundary would be that he not yell at you when you are crying, that you will not tolerate him yelling at you when you are emotional. He may not actually be capable of affection when he sees you crying. My sufferer sometimes is not capable of it, but he is capable of not escalating the situation by yelling at me.

As a carer, there are times when you have to find other ways to get your needs met, because sometimes a sufferer just can't do the things they used to do.

A boundary is different from a need. For example, my sufferer and I had a clear understanding that if he ever hit me I would call the police, press charges, and the relationship would be over without any second chances. I feel that was a boundary.
If he crossed it, he knew the result, and I knew what action I needed to take.

It's good to talk about boundaries and needs and the clarification between the two in your counseling sessions. It might help both of you.

Take care of yourself!
Shoka

 

[ANCHOR]

You have a lot of options on this thread...

I just wanted to say that you have a lot of options on this thread to help you on your journey. This is your journey and whatever you need to do, we are totally behind you on it. I feel positive that you have information from both sides of the spectrum on this issue, so I know you will be able to make your decisions...ever so slightly easier, now. Good luck to you and your spouse! Looking forward to hearing about your progress. :rolleyes:

(I really hurt sometimes when I think about my husband and the pain he must be feeling...but I know I did what was right for my life...maybe in the long run, it will be good for him, too...:think:)

 

[Phoenix(not)]

Hi Mrs Empty,

I lost my wife because of PTSD. In my case I was never abusive, not did I abuse alcohol or drugs. The marriage failed because of my distress about how this beast called PTSD had grabbed me. She was empathetic and as supportive as she was able but caregiver fatigue got her and we separated. We are still good friends but will not get back together.

I am replying because I now see that PTSD is something that usually fizzles out - but it can take a while to happen. I also learned that certain "therapies" were profound in helping me to become less affected by the PTSD symptoms. Things that worked for me, may not be so effective for others but they are main stream and well documented. For me it was CBT (cognitive behavious therapy) and learning to meditate (Vipassana). The former enabled me to self-test /assess if a thought or attitude were valid and the latter allowed me to take time out and rapidly subdue anxiety.

I hope this is of some value.