My Husband Locks His Inner Child In A Closet, And Wants Me To Do The Same

[NIKI]

When ever I talk to my husband about my inner child, he has no patience for it. He says he doesn't have the luxury of breaking down when he has to think of his abusive childhood. Like I do. He told me he locks his inner child in a closet and forgets about him. The only time he has to think about it is when I bring up something from my childhood.

I thinks he resents me for bringing it up in his mind. He just wants to forget it.

One time he told me to think of my inner child as that she was murdered a long time ago or that she committed suicide a long time ago. I burst out crying. And told him that he is talking about ME! I could not believe he said this. I know that what he said is WRONG!

I walked around for a week wondering who this man is that I married.

I told my T what he said and she said, "do not listen to that" which I had no intention of doing anyway. I still can not believe that he said this.

I asked him if he would go on this site to read what some of the supporters are dealing with so maybe he could understand more how I am feeling. He doesn't have time. It is the truth, he works 7 days a week 16 hours a day supporting the family because I haven't been able to work for the last 5 years because of the PTSD.

I wasn't always so helpless. I used to have a full life, raising my children and working. I could put my PTSD on the back burner. Pretending alot of it did not happen. I didn't have alot of time to think about it. Then I got laid off and my children grew up. Now I have so much time to think and all I think about is my past. My husband asked couldn't I just go back to pretending it wasn't so bad.

I feel so alone.

 

[Sethe]

NIKI:

I am so sorry. Murdered? Wow. I'm trying very hard to remain 'polite' and not write what I really think.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Tosh]

Finding your inner child is a very scary thing to do. Sounds like he may have some jelousy towards you.

He says he doesn't have the luxury of breaking down when he has to think of his abusive childhood. Like I do. He told me he locks his inner child in a closet and forgets about him.

It takes alot of mental work and is very exhausting. It would probably be a very hard thing for him to do with a work schedule like his.

It is the truth, he works 7 days a week 16 hours a day

People say things they don't mean when they are angry, maybe talk to him about your hurt feelings when he is calm. All I have are my experiences and that is it, so that is what my suggestions/perspective is based off of. Good luck to you, and I hope things get better.

 

[The Albatross]

My husband straight up doesn't get the inner child thing. It took me a long time to realize that he was more interested in the actions that I was taking than my thoughts. When I frame up what I want to share as goals he's cool with it. When I tell what's going on in my mind, he is dumbstruck or gets frustrated.

What I would hear, if my husband said what your's did, is "I just focus on doing right now. I don't think about my inner child, it's not important to me." and "Why don't you recreate yourself like I did. This frustrates me because I don't know what to say to you. I don't know how to help you. I don't know what to do for you."

Your husband is doing 7 day weeks / 16 hours a day and mine has a full time job and two part time jobs. My husband needs me well so I can partner him before he wears out. He felt like he was pulling all the load, and was really frustrated even though he could see that I was improving (I had health issues too, not "just" PTSD). I could be totally wrong, but when my husband does this type of stuff, he's tired. He's frustrated. He's worried and/or stressed. He's needing his partner.

My opinion and a buck will get you a cup of coffee but I hope this helps you in some way.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. The "just" thing is not meant to minimize at all. He knew I had PTSD before he married me... but since we've been together 24 years, 20 married... he tends to think that way. I should be "all better by now".

 

[Sqweak]

Oh NIKI I'm so sorry, that is a terrible thing to say to someone. I'm glad you knew that what he was saying was hurtful but you didn't heed his advice. Maybe you should talk to your husband about seeking some counseling as well. I understand that it is hard to find the time but having 55min to just talk to someone you haven't known a long time who is pretty much forced to listen to you :p- it's a great escape and could help him and help you in the long run. <3

 

[BloomInWinter]

His avoidance is really affecting your self-esteem, and that invalidation is the behavior that needs to be addressed.

Sucks to consider, but maybe his brain is holding up that denial because on some level, he isn't ready to deal with it.

Maybe the word choice, 'inner child', is too triggering for him to deal with without reacting.

You can;

1) Keep saying that to him and hope he eventually confronts his issue (NOT recommended just because it's not likely to happen soon enough to be effective at helping you feel validated)

2) Accept that he's just not able to be your support frontline on this one and use this as an opportunity to deepen a friendship with someone who is NOT triggered into avoidance

3) Know that all couples have some areas where they can't 'be' that person's everything and it in no way diminishes the love, just encourages us to seek out and maintain some outside support system

It will be ok...he can both love you dearly AND be unable to deal...and you are not diminished in worth nor in entitlement to seek out some other solution that meets your needs.

Good for you for SEEING this struggle! Many people just give up rather than face the issues.

(((((NIKI)))))

 

[Philippa]

Workaholism is a great way to avoid looking at our issues...ask my dad, he sounds very similar to your husband. He thinks all this stuff is just stupid and a waste of time.

Unfortunately many people think this way. It's understandable as it's very scary to look at...but on some level he may feel threatened by your growing interest in this important work. Perhaps you need to set the example?

 

[Tinyflame]

His avoidance is really affecting your self-esteem, and that invalidation is the behavior that needs to be addressed.

Sucks to consider, but maybe his brain is holding up that denial because on some level, he isn't ready to deal with it.

Maybe the word choice, 'inner child', is too triggering for him to deal with without reacting.

You can;

1) Keep saying that to him and hope he eventually confronts his issue (NOT recommended just because it's not likely to happen soon enough to be effective at helping you feel validated)

2) Accept that he's just not able to be your support frontline on this one and use this as an opportunity to deepen a friendship with someone who is NOT triggered into avoidance

3) Know that all couples have some areas where they can't 'be' that person's everything and it in no way diminishes the love, just encourages us to seek out and maintain some outside support system

It will be ok...he can both love you dearly AND be unable to deal...and you are not diminished in worth nor in entitlement to seek out some other solution that meets your needs.

I'm sorry to quote so much, I think Bloom is exactly correct (all of the above). You must do what works for you, he has to deal with life on his terms (perhaps the only way he can. His comments are from his own suffering, I would suspect, to recognize that you will not feel it as offensive and realize he needs your understanding). I think it comes from a place of pain, not will-ful disregard of 'you' or your needs.
I think possibly it is the 'weakness' that frightens him, in that how could he cope and live if he started to think and feel that way?

 

[Adrienne12]

This illness lasts longer than people's patience. That would hurt my feelings too. I am sure you feel as if your feelings aren't important to him. PTSD is so stressful for everyone involved. It is even harder when you have people who don't understand. Not to validate his feelings or anything because I imagine he is on your $hit list right now....But I guarantee this is almost as equally hard for him as is for you. He cares about you and just wants you well.

 

[Adrienne12]

And Bloom....You are one smart cookie. :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

And Bloom....You are one smart cookie. :)

...awwww..... *shucks, now

(((((((((Niki))))))))

We DO know this feels AWFUL and is PAINFUL to you.

Hope you can identify a safe person who can 'be there' for you with this issue...it definitely isn't going away. But maybe it's an opening to a great friendship somewhere in your life down the road?

My gal pals in real life (and here!) definitely are the ones I now look to for healing. My safe ones...they are as healthy enough to both be a friend and share with me as I do with them. ...and that has been a wonderful silver lining of this diagnosis and all the dreck that comes with it. Because a year ago...I didn't have this.

It will happen for you, too.

*Linking Arms*