Relationship My Husband Needs Help.

[Makoto89]

Hello,

This is not the first time I ask for help here...

Last Wednesday I decided to ask help cause my husband, a army veteran who suffers of PTSD, was missing...and that wasn't the first time he was but luckily he came home safely and asked me to forgive him and that wasn't any excuse for what he did ( he left without saying anything to me and didn't came pick me up from work at night, lied to me cause said he was coming)

We talked a lot, I asked him to tell me what's wrong with him, and he said he feels depressed and that night felt wrong in his head , and didn't want me to see him like that, and that he felt like to escape...

He's a retired veteran but he's young, 38 years old, he's not allowed to work cause of his PTSD...people are not good for him to be around!!! Too much crowded places are not good for his mental health...he says places with a lot of people reminds him of war and he starts worry about how to escape from that places and think about that as a military environment.
Some months ago he used to manage a veteran village, transitional homes for veterans, wasn't a real job....not payed but was volunteer...then even that was stressing him a lot, I know well...started to drink, PTSD moments....wasn't healthy for him, so his doctor and I told him was time for him to quit and ENJOY THE LIFE....

Here comes the issue...he's bored....depressed, told me he feels a waste!!! and also he's hurting really bad from back and neck injury and arthritis and he feels miserable for that cause no pain killers seem to work and was supposed to get a surgery but that was cancelled cause the doctor said he was healing but the truth is that he still hurts really bad and that cant allows him to move much or do stuff he was used to do....

I told him he should find some hobbies and really start ENJOY THE LIFE, I told him I will be with him no matter what and will help him through this...but I am worried....I hope its just a period!!!

I can wait to go to his psychiatrist again and talk about this...in the mean time I worried cause he could do something stupid again...or worse...like start drinking again or suicide...he also tried once :( but I wasn't with him still...

I know well PTSD can lead to that too and I don't want that!!!

He said there is something wrong with his brain, that he feels depressed, anxious and miserable!!!

Please if you know how I can deal with this, please tell me!!! I am not a psychiatric and this is new for me....

But I wanna help him to get through this but its not easy...this is stuck in his mind and even if we talked I don't think it worked....

Thank you!!!!

 

[myvetswife]

He needs to decide to get help. He has to see it. All the things he is doing and done (suicide attempt) sound very similar to me. My husband had to hit rock bottom before he realised he had to take the help which got offered. It's easy to say get a hobby and enjoy live. But it is very very difficult having Depressions (I suffer from that) or PTSD (my husband).

I hope you will have enough strength!

 

[StarChild]

I told him he should find some hobbies and really start ENJOY THE LIFE

Dear Makoto, I see your good intentions, but you can't help him. Least of all, to tell him what he should do (in your opinion) doesn't help at all. He can't get it. And it doesn't work like this with ptsd... In the opposite: A sufferer will feel totally misunderstood, and will withdraw even more...

I can wait to go to his psychiatrist again and talk about this

I don't understand... Doesn't he visit his psychiatrist himself? I mean, are you also around during a therapy session?... Because if yes, I'm quite sure he won't open up! Look, there are things, that are really, really difficult to face, to recognize, and to talk about. Even to your therapist. And in my opinion it isn't helpful if you're also by his side during a therapy session... But tell me, if I misunderstood your statement.

worried cause he could do something stupid again...or worse...like start drinking again or suicide

Oh Makoto, I really see, how desperate you're trying to help and to protect him.... But it won't work like this. It simply won't. You can't help him, unless he wants help for himself and reaches out for professional help. It's also counterproductive to pressure him. Yes, there's always a risk, for acting "unhealthy". But neither you nor people who got involved in this, should live in fear of what could happen.

Despite ptsd, there's another element: Men in general don't like it, when being pushed by their spouse or girlfriend, "just" because she's worried about him. To worry for your man, means to him: She doesn't trust me. She doesn't have faith in my abilities. I'm "not working" and she wants to fix me. - Almost every man, with or without some kind of illness, would try to withdraw from someone who wants to fix him. That's, what I and most of my friends had to learn and had to accept.

All you can do is take responsibility for yourself, for your inner peace and your own well-being. And please don't take it as an attack or irony, if I ask you to look for yourself first. Try to get some space and let (him) space.

 

[Makoto89]

Hello Sweet Lullaby,

Thank you for your opinion...as I wrote I am new to PTSD, and my love for my husband tells me to help him as much as I can but I can understand your point...and you're right....I am trying to not pushing him or stress him in any ways!!

He decided to open up to me after he was missing last week, and usually he wants to appear always strong at my eyes cause as he feels still a soldier he thinks always to protect me and to be the GUY WHO WILL PUT HIS WIFE BEFORE HIS PROBLEMS, but this time I saw in his eyes he was crying for help and he asked me to talk again yesterday and the first thing he told me was: "HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME?" I said: "oh my God I love you more than you could imagine" And then he started talking about how he feels sorry for his depression and he feels a waste.

I am not trying to stay always in his way, also when we go to his psychiatrist, he is the one asking me to be around during his session!!!! Maybe next time we go I can wait outside, for me its fine as far as he can open up more and find a solution to his depression! right?

I tell you, everyday I go to work I am worried all the time :( worried cause I think about what if he does something stupid as did once, and am not at home to help him!!!! And when I go home, he has always a sad look and all sweaty says to me he didn't do anything just stuck with his mind on bad thoughts :( this hurts me so bad and even more cause I cant do much....happened that he tried suicide once taking too many sleeping pills and I don't want this to happen again! He could die!

Can you understand how I feel? :(

He talked even about isolation...so I don't know if the problem is GIVE HIM SPACE.....I don't know :/ ...but am sure he needs to distract from his mind and do something, be more active but now its so difficult cause he doesn't want to go out anymore too!!!

 

[nursenurse]

Makoto, I think you are doing the best you can. He is in therapy, I don't know if he is supposed to be taking medications, is he compliant if he is supposed to be taking them. Is he being truthful with his psychiatrist when you have been there with him? I think it is good for you to be with him at times when he asks you to be there, but it is just as important that he speak to his doctor alone. Depression is difficult, and there is no one solution that works for everyone.

I think you are right when you said he has to find something that interests him. Right now it seems like he is spinning from the realization that he cannot work, possibly forever. That is a bitter pill for anyone to swallow, especially in a society where the man is still supposed to be the breadwinner and take care of the family. My guy is an ex marine. I know he feels empty and full of shame at times. He is on disability, it is no treat for him.

It is possible that your guy needs to be hospitalized, it would be easier to get him on the right medication that way, titrate it, have intensive therapy as well.

Maybe obtain some separate therapy for you, this is no picnic. As has been said before, you cannot fix him, which makes it so much more difficult. It will get better in time provided he keeps up with his therapy. He has to learn to love himself as he is now, as you do, not what he was, nor what he could have been. That can only come from within his own soul.

 

[Dallas]

My husband had to hit rock bottom

I found my fiance passed out on the floor today from OD'ing on his meds. They took him away in an ambulance. Praise God. I think this is the best thing that could have happened. I am praying he has finally hit rock bottom.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[nursenurse]

Dallas, can't really like this one as it is so sad it had to come to this. There isn't much more bottom to go. I hope he starts climbing out.

 

[Makoto89]

ok....now the situation is getting worse :(

Two nights ago he disappeared again and then he came back home and told me he is using crack from 2 weeks!! I am shocked He said he will stop doing this because he knows its not good for him, me or our relationship BUT I don't believe him any more! He lied to me for all this time about being sick and having anxiety, that was just withdrawal symptoms but I didn't know because its the first time that I have to deal with drugs in my life :(

He spent a lot of money but at the same time said to me that we should save money for our future! Are you kidding me?

What I do now? I am scared to death! I gotta go to work and I fear he will go search for drugs again, today, tomorrow or who knows when...

I made some researches on the web and it says that crack is really addictive but he keeps saying he will stop!

Also I cant call his doctor because if they know he is on drugs the VA could take his pension away and we wont have any money and that will be the beginning of the end for him and for me!

Anyways I am going to wait for a little bit then if I find out he's on drugs still I am going to divorce! I can understand PTSD but not drugs!

 

[myvetswife]

I know a lot of vets turn to drugs like joints and alcohol just so they get a break from there thinking, feeling and the rest of the world. It's dangerous. Maybe he needs the VA to take away his pension to wake up? Nobody knows how he will react.