JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
Last night my husband told me that he was going to try running on the trails this morning. He runs early- before sunrise, but not completely dark. My trail run was an adventure yesterday, but I was exploring in the daylight. I guess my adventure made him want to explore the trails, too. In the middle of the night I was gripped with fear when I realized he'd be in the dark. Sure, he'd wear his headlamp, but he'd be in unfamiliar woods- on trails that are well marked, but are easy to lose. The path is full of roots and narrow places and some steep hills.
So this morning, the first thing I said to him, was that I didn't think running in unfamiliar woods in the dark was a good idea. Then, I rolled over and cried silent tears. Because I know from past conversations that he views comments like that as my being pessimistic and holding him back because of my fears of seeing bad all the time.
When we had this conversation about a month ago, I was talking about my irrational fears in general and he made the comment about my pessimistic outlook being hard to deal with because he felt like it was holding him back. I thought that was strange because 1. I don't go around voicing my irrational fears like being afraid an airplane is going to crash on me at any time and 2. I don't see how my irrational fears are holding him back because they don't necessarily hold me back- I still go about my day even with the fear that a plan will come crashing down at any moment. (The plane crashing is only one of many such fears.)
So I asked him to clarify, to give me an example. And he gave me the example of not wanting my son to run for 1.6 miles on his first run. My son is 5. I got upset and I told my husband that I wasn't being pessimistic there. I was looking out for my son. You see my son gets discouraged and gives up sometimes. He's resistant to riding his bike because the first few times he's gone out on it, my husband took him for at least a mile ride including steep hills that scared my son or left him too tired to try. So now he's afraid to ride his bike. I didn't want that same thing to happen to him with running. Plus little kids shouldn't run for very long distances, it's not good for their bodies. So I told my husband that I didn't mind if he took my son out for a run, but that it should be for a shorter distance.
So this morning I hesitated to tell my husband about my concerns related to the woods. I know he sees any comments I make like that as pessimistic and holding him back. He did change his plans, but he opted for a longer run (which also concerns me because he's been having ankle issues lately), but I decided not to fight that battle this morning. I feel like he thinks all of my opinions are related to my PTSD and, therefore, dismissible and not worth considering. And though occasionally that is true, I wish he could be more open to realizing that although PTSD takes over a lot of my life, I can still think like a rational human being (from time to time).
So this morning, the first thing I said to him, was that I didn't think running in unfamiliar woods in the dark was a good idea. Then, I rolled over and cried silent tears. Because I know from past conversations that he views comments like that as my being pessimistic and holding him back because of my fears of seeing bad all the time.
When we had this conversation about a month ago, I was talking about my irrational fears in general and he made the comment about my pessimistic outlook being hard to deal with because he felt like it was holding him back. I thought that was strange because 1. I don't go around voicing my irrational fears like being afraid an airplane is going to crash on me at any time and 2. I don't see how my irrational fears are holding him back because they don't necessarily hold me back- I still go about my day even with the fear that a plan will come crashing down at any moment. (The plane crashing is only one of many such fears.)
So I asked him to clarify, to give me an example. And he gave me the example of not wanting my son to run for 1.6 miles on his first run. My son is 5. I got upset and I told my husband that I wasn't being pessimistic there. I was looking out for my son. You see my son gets discouraged and gives up sometimes. He's resistant to riding his bike because the first few times he's gone out on it, my husband took him for at least a mile ride including steep hills that scared my son or left him too tired to try. So now he's afraid to ride his bike. I didn't want that same thing to happen to him with running. Plus little kids shouldn't run for very long distances, it's not good for their bodies. So I told my husband that I didn't mind if he took my son out for a run, but that it should be for a shorter distance.
So this morning I hesitated to tell my husband about my concerns related to the woods. I know he sees any comments I make like that as pessimistic and holding him back. He did change his plans, but he opted for a longer run (which also concerns me because he's been having ankle issues lately), but I decided not to fight that battle this morning. I feel like he thinks all of my opinions are related to my PTSD and, therefore, dismissible and not worth considering. And though occasionally that is true, I wish he could be more open to realizing that although PTSD takes over a lot of my life, I can still think like a rational human being (from time to time).
