Sufferer My Husband Wants To Be Supportive But...

[Jessica H.]

Hi, I'm new to this group. I joined because I really need support with my PTSD and not feeling alone in it. My husband is a kind, supportive, compassionate man, but has recently told me that he believes that my PTSD is destructive to our marriage and that he's no longer willing to play a role in the patterns around it. He thinks the best thing to do is if there is any hint of me being activated (even in the tiniest of ways) then we should stop the conversation. I understand that he's trying to change things to make them better, but I really don't know if this is the best solution. I don't think he gets how often I'm activated and how we'll basically be taking constant breaks from our conversations. Does anyone have any advice, resources, etc.?

 

[hodge]

Are you in therapy? Have you considered seeing your therapist with your husband to help him get through this, too? Because this really wreaks havoc on our closest relationships. Your husband needs support, too. Maybe his own therapist?

 

[hodge]

Also, are you perhaps communicating to your husband as you would to a therapist? If that's the case, I can understand how he feels. He's not trained or equipped to deal with that. I have a very close relationship with my husband, but mostly I save my PTSD stuff for my therapist. Or this forum.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you're constantly "activated" then you need to find ways to DE-activate. Work on your coping skills, grounding skills, self soothing skills, etc so that you can carry on a conversation or even disagreement without becoming activated. It sounds like this is the only way that he knows how to deal with things right now. My guess is that he's already tried everything else in order to not activate you and this is the only thing left at this point because he's tired of the argument escalation.

My advice? Give the guy a break. Work on your own healing. Don't make him responsible for not activating you.

 

[Jessica H.]

Also, are you perhaps communicating to your husband as you would to a therapist? If that's the case, I can...

Do you mean am I relying on him to play the role of therapist for me? I don't think I am. I mean, we talk to each other about our struggles and concerns, etc. We dialogue and problem solve. I don't turn to him for things outside of his expertise. Are you meaning something more than this?

 

[hodge]

No, I didn't mean that you were relying on him as you would a therapist. All I know is that my husband has a very hard time with my PTSD, too. He does not want to know the details of my traumas, and I don't blame him. He's very supportive, too, and so I respect that. I don't know that he could be as supportive as he is if he did. I think by that he is trying to protect himself so he can keep strong emotionally and keep taking care of me. Does this help you understand where I'm coming from better?

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum!!!! :)

 

[Jessica H.]

No, I didn't mean that you were relying on him as you would a therapist. All I know is that my husband has...

Yes, thank you. That is helpful. My husband doesn't have the same issue with knowing about my trauma, but it isn't something I really talk about with him either.

 

[intothelight]

@Jessica H. Welcome to the forum! :)

has recently told me that he believes that my PTSD is destructive to our marriage and that he's no longer willing to play a role in the patterns around it. He thinks the best thing to do is if there is any hint of me being activated (even in the tiniest of ways) then we should stop the conversation.

From reading this is sounds like your husband is trying to set a boundary so that exchanges do not become a cause of symptoms. Ask your husband to expand and see what you can do get control over the "activation" that is problematic. I hope you find some things here that you can use as you work on managing symptoms.