My Hyper Vigilance Making Me Hit A Brickwall In A Dbt Module

[recoveringfromptsd]

The hard thing about this is I want to do every dbt assignment, I am that committed to getting better and changing my core hypervigilance, but this assignment won't change that, it's going to take more than the suggestion of a different way of approaching something (willingness vs willfullness), its going to take creating new memories to replace the bad ones, changing my core values and beliefs by challenging them and addressing the source of there creation.

This assignment does however seem to be the perfect benchmark for testing when changing my hypervigilance is reduced or gone.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I understand you example, and I try to approach things like that, but its more primal than that, just the mere unknown of it put it out of my comfort zone, the simple fact I have no control or hand in it is the threat. MY HYPERVIGILENCE DAMANDS I HAVE SOME CONTROL.

I know where this came from, I was in a place for 1.5 years, where expressing ones self brought abuse, getting angry brought abuse, not doing some right as perceived by staff brought abuse, pretty much existing brought abuse. And those who were required to protect me from abuse (DSS) told me to live with it, because this organization was solving the foster home crisis at the time, and the DSS higher ups liked that, to the social workers did not rock the boat, and looked the other way. Basically those who I counted on betrayed me and left me to be abused. Even when I was raped by the staff member I had to let it happen, because resisting, complaining, telling, yelling, anything other than being compliant would bring more abuse. Because of this factor where I had to let it happen, that did more harm that if I was raped by a 1000 men by force. This took place under the fear of more abuse and under the framework that I had no one to go to to help me and those I did go to just allowed it to continue. So I know where my hypervigilance came from and that is those I trusted to protect me who had a duty too instead hurt me by allowing the abuse to continue, unconsciously nothing/anyone can be trusted, so my comfort zone represents "safer"

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@joeylittle Here is a perfect example in real time, I have been having a hard time dealing with my primary care doctor leaving as of yesterday. I saw her yesterday, and there were some meds she was going to increase very important to me, last message I got was she was going to call them in because their system did not have the dosages. So now she is going, and nothing was called in, and I am left to deal with having to deal with the new person, and likely another unnecessary office visit, and the potential nothing will happen after that.

I was bouncing off the walls before she left knowing she was leaving, now I angry that the very thing I was bouncing off the walls about has happened. And I am dealing with unknowns. I have even thought about quitting.

 

[joeylittle]

I understand you example, and I try to approach things like that, but its more primal than that, just the mere unknown of it put it out of my comfort zone, the simple fact I have no control or hand in it is the threat.

I really do understand. Cognitive therapy gets very hard when you hit the 'real' stuff - exercises that were relatively straightforward become incredibly difficult. You aren't at all alone in this. The best encouragement I can offer is that this is actually how it works. You just keep taking tiny, tiny bites out of the bigger problems. The more frequently you practice it, the better your mind gets at it, and you will start to challenge your negative thinking automatically. It takes time - there's a reason why DBT programs operate in terms of months, not weeks.

but this assignment won't change that, it's going to take more than the suggestion of a different way of approaching something (willingness vs willfullness), its going to take creating new memories to replace the bad ones, changing my core values and beliefs by challenging them and addressing the source of there creation.

This assignment won't change everything in one fell swoop - that's true. But this assignment is a part of changing those big things, yes.

Memories aren't replaced so much as they are diffused. So, adding new positive memories/associations 'waters down' the old, traumatic memories until they simply become part of your past, and not your present. Every small positive cognitive action contributes to the watering down of negative core beliefs.

And no-one can be perfect at it all the time. I'm writing this for myself, just as much as I am for you. Sometimes I really want to stop moving all this salt in my wounds one grain at a time - that's what it can feel like. But it does make a real difference.

It's sort of odd to say, but the more uncomfortable the work is, the closer you are to the important stuff - I believe this, anyway, when it comes to trauma work in all it's forms. Only you can know when your distress tolerance is shot and you need a break. But take those breaks by distracting and soothing, not by allowing your mind to run away with you on the worst-case scenarios.

You're doing really great work. Rest when you need - and don't give up.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

the more uncomfortable the work is, the closer you are to the important stuff

This I agree with 100%, I know why its a problem to do this exercise, the only way I could do this exercise safely is in a hospital environment, because it is that destabilizing, it's like asking me to walk directly into danger that can harm me (that's how it is in my brain)
It's akin to asking me to walk right into the abuse as it existed in the past. Just suggesting doing it has had a similar effect.

Every small positive cognitive action contributes to the watering down of Negative core beliefs

This too I agree with, I have figured this out already, and I am already working on confronting the geographical aspect using the great new positive memories approach.

Only you can know when your distress tolerance is shot and you need a break. But take those breaks by distracting and soothing, not by allowing your mind to run away with you on the worst-case scenarios

That's a real problem, I knew from the start this was something that this would destabilize me, and said as much, everyone seems to think I am mentally stronger that I really am, and brushes it off. But I was expected to do it anyway, and tried, and poof its been a crappy week.

I do use distracting, soothing does not work for me in real time, it sometimes does in my visualized safe place.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I know what has to happen on Tuesday, at DBT, I have to just explain what effect this has on me and why, and that I can't do it safely at this point in time, perhaps later when my negative core values and beliefs have been eroded away. I don't they realize that I can't function outside of my hypervigilance. Even thinking about it destabilizing.