Hi Eveyone,
I am new here and have mostly healed from my CSA. I joined this group because I started having issues arise that haven't bothered me in years. Here is my story:
I was around the age of 6 and lived in an apartment complex with my mother and stepfather. We were moving to a home in the country and my parents had our tiny car packed with stuff to take to the new home. They left for the hour long trip and left me at the apartment by myself. My neighbors, Y(age 10) and his bother Z(my age), came over and Y asked if I was moving. I said yes. He wanted to go to the basement and play. The basement was dark and dank but that was where all my toys were. Being 6 years old, I never thought anything bad would happen. The next thing I knew I was cornered by Y and Z and Y had a knife. He asked me to kiss him and I refused. He cut my hand with the knife to get me to cooperate, I still have the scar. So I kissed him and he laughed at me. Said "you call that a kiss". The rest is rather blurry, I remember lying on a pile of dirty clothes my mother had by the washer and he threatened to kill me while I slept if I told anyone.
I didn't tell a soul. I threw away several pair of bloody underwear to keep my mom from knowing. I laid awake at night scared to sleep and kissed my blanket over and over imagining that if I kissed him right he wouldn't hurt me.
About a year went by before I started going to my new school. Thankfully, my mother didn't make me switch mid-school year. When I boarded the bus that first morning everything seemed fine but several bus stops later Y and Z boarded the bus. This was the first of many times in my life, so far, I would be reminded by one or the others presence. And every time, my healing would nosedive. Thankfully, Y did not harm me again. His presence was harmful enough.
When I started to become sexually active, the panic attacks and anxiety became worse. I could not have sex missionary without hyperventilating. Even an arm around my waist while sleeping was disturbing.
I started dating my husband about 13 years ago and really started to heal at that time. But it took about 10 years before I felt almost normal in the bedroom. My biggest problem was Y and Z. My husband and I, then only dating, met with a friend and her spouse to go out. To my surprise, my friend's husband invited Z. Nothing bad happened, but being forced to talk to him as if the past did not happen was difficult. This affected my progress severely.
The next and last interference I had with my healing was the worst. I was betrayed by my own mother. My mom and I were very close at the time. She called to tell me that a family friend, B, was getting married and to none other than Y. What! I could not believe it. So for the first time ever, I told someone what happened to me. I told my mother. I could not let B make such a grave mistake. My mom didn't believe me. She said that it could not have happened. And B married Y. A year later my mom calls to tell me that B and Y are getting a divorce because Y raped her. She didn't even apologize for not believing me the year before.
Eventually time healed my wounds. I began to trust my husband. It took 10 years with my husband before we got to this point. But what it took to enjoy sex is a little disturbing. I need to feel like a victim to be turned on. I am no longer scared when I feel trapped, I am excited by it. What is wrong with me?
I am finally seeing a therapist though I started going for a different reason altogether. I have been wanting to bring up my current problem but could not find the courage until I found this group. I have started fantasizing again to be able to sleep. Worst of all, I am not just fantasizing, I am fantasizing about Y. This is very disturbing to me but I cannot seem to stop. I was afraid that she would think there is something really wrong with me until I realized that I am not alone with this.
The event itself was the one and only but has been traumatizing none the less. It happened 25 years ago, so I do not get worked up talking about it anymore. In the past 6 months I have told 4 people. You are number 5. I do intend to go through these still troublesome issues with my therapist at our next visit. You all have given me the courage. Thank you.
I am new here and have mostly healed from my CSA. I joined this group because I started having issues arise that haven't bothered me in years. Here is my story:
I was around the age of 6 and lived in an apartment complex with my mother and stepfather. We were moving to a home in the country and my parents had our tiny car packed with stuff to take to the new home. They left for the hour long trip and left me at the apartment by myself. My neighbors, Y(age 10) and his bother Z(my age), came over and Y asked if I was moving. I said yes. He wanted to go to the basement and play. The basement was dark and dank but that was where all my toys were. Being 6 years old, I never thought anything bad would happen. The next thing I knew I was cornered by Y and Z and Y had a knife. He asked me to kiss him and I refused. He cut my hand with the knife to get me to cooperate, I still have the scar. So I kissed him and he laughed at me. Said "you call that a kiss". The rest is rather blurry, I remember lying on a pile of dirty clothes my mother had by the washer and he threatened to kill me while I slept if I told anyone.
I didn't tell a soul. I threw away several pair of bloody underwear to keep my mom from knowing. I laid awake at night scared to sleep and kissed my blanket over and over imagining that if I kissed him right he wouldn't hurt me.
About a year went by before I started going to my new school. Thankfully, my mother didn't make me switch mid-school year. When I boarded the bus that first morning everything seemed fine but several bus stops later Y and Z boarded the bus. This was the first of many times in my life, so far, I would be reminded by one or the others presence. And every time, my healing would nosedive. Thankfully, Y did not harm me again. His presence was harmful enough.
When I started to become sexually active, the panic attacks and anxiety became worse. I could not have sex missionary without hyperventilating. Even an arm around my waist while sleeping was disturbing.
I started dating my husband about 13 years ago and really started to heal at that time. But it took about 10 years before I felt almost normal in the bedroom. My biggest problem was Y and Z. My husband and I, then only dating, met with a friend and her spouse to go out. To my surprise, my friend's husband invited Z. Nothing bad happened, but being forced to talk to him as if the past did not happen was difficult. This affected my progress severely.
The next and last interference I had with my healing was the worst. I was betrayed by my own mother. My mom and I were very close at the time. She called to tell me that a family friend, B, was getting married and to none other than Y. What! I could not believe it. So for the first time ever, I told someone what happened to me. I told my mother. I could not let B make such a grave mistake. My mom didn't believe me. She said that it could not have happened. And B married Y. A year later my mom calls to tell me that B and Y are getting a divorce because Y raped her. She didn't even apologize for not believing me the year before.
Eventually time healed my wounds. I began to trust my husband. It took 10 years with my husband before we got to this point. But what it took to enjoy sex is a little disturbing. I need to feel like a victim to be turned on. I am no longer scared when I feel trapped, I am excited by it. What is wrong with me?
I am finally seeing a therapist though I started going for a different reason altogether. I have been wanting to bring up my current problem but could not find the courage until I found this group. I have started fantasizing again to be able to sleep. Worst of all, I am not just fantasizing, I am fantasizing about Y. This is very disturbing to me but I cannot seem to stop. I was afraid that she would think there is something really wrong with me until I realized that I am not alone with this.
The event itself was the one and only but has been traumatizing none the less. It happened 25 years ago, so I do not get worked up talking about it anymore. In the past 6 months I have told 4 people. You are number 5. I do intend to go through these still troublesome issues with my therapist at our next visit. You all have given me the courage. Thank you.
