My Life Is Very Complex....

[jd9900]

Fair.


Sharing of Guilt: For two decades I have been in love with a woman because I didn't know what love meant. I made fat loot and she did as well. Our intelligence was magnetic to each other but I know (and I think she does as well) that we were in it for the kids and the money.

Remorse? Look at me. I have PTSD. Not a day goes by that I don't in some way hate myself for causing this pain on both her and me.

What my wife knows? That I won't exist simply for her anymore; I have to find me. I have to BE me. We have slept in separate rooms for almost a year.

My wife is amazingly self-sufficient. She is so smart.

Where I stand? She knows I am not happy. I can't lie to her, I won't, she is far too good for that.

When I married her? I felt like the world had stoppped spinning me in this merry-go-round called life. She was able to help me make sense out of that which did not for me.

I did not mean to irritate anyone.

The clincher, though? I am an alcoholic. I always will be; it is disease. And while AA or rehab has not been my savior, I have learned one thing that I cannot deny. As an alcoholic I need to avoid certain people, places and things. Every time I stop drinking for any respectable amount of time she continues to bring alcohol into the house.

Have I also mentioned yet that she cheated on me with my best man? Twice? While I was out forging a life for us she became lonely and my best friend (and wife) betrayed me. Yeah twice.

I am sorry that I am not the ideal person or that my wife no longer makes me feel alive again. I am even more sorry I have spent so much of my time life and health tying to build a temple out of a poor foundation. But I am NOT sorry I am now being honest with myself and with her and with my feelings.

I hope I was able to answer your questions.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Okay, let's be clear about one thing: do not tell me what I do or feel is incorrect. I am glad I have not posted some of my deep and darkest personal feelings. I can say this: I am suicidal, which is truly selfish because I have two children that I would leave behind and I am nor remorseful about it. Judge me all you want, but some feelings can't just be turned off. I suppose that makes me a shitty mother. Thank you both for reminding me that sharing my true feelings is unsafe even here.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@jd9900 thank you for sharing these very personal feelings about your family and structure and your wife. I can't imagine anyone being okay with a person that has cheated on them with their own best man. Its appaling that people so easily judge a book by its cover and I'm truly sorry for that. I hope you can understand why others act the way they do.

 

[jd9900]

Thanks for saying that. I don't feel like you were judging me, I feel like you asked some very intelligent question that deserved answers based on what I had previously shared.

 

[nursenurse]

So very sad all around. Her bad deeds do not justify yours. If it is bad then get out before you start messing around with anyone. Be free and clear as is only fair to the next person in your life. I didn't mean that only people outside the forum get hurt, but we have to remember the collateral damage when this kind of thing happens. Any decision is bound to hurt someone here.

 

[jd9900]

You stated that well. And very accurately, Nurse. I agree with you. I am doing my best to make the right choices.

 

[nursenurse]

No one said it will be easy. But in the end you have to sleep with yourself at night. You have to treat others how you want to be treated, regardless of what has been done to you. That is honour and decency. Good luck in your journey. We all deserve peace and happiness. How we get there defines who we are. I want nothing more than for everyone here to be happy. But decency and honour are never out of fashion. Just forgotten, sometimes. Salud!

 

[jd9900]

Ghosty, this is a slight change of topic, but something I shared with someone else recently and how I try to look at life. ....

'There are two very strong positives you can take away from suicide not being an option anymore (and I truly hope it isn't) here are two main, positive takeaways you now have:

1. You have one less major event to worry about.
2. You can get back to the business of living.

PTSD is a highly complex disorder. It seems to tap into the depths of many other disorders and diseases that seem to all work to fuel its (PTSD's) existence within us. And it's a control freak.

If it were my roommate I would move, if it were my wife I would get a divorce, and if it were a bug I would squash it. Unfortunately it is extremely elusive and constantly changing its tactics to keep me on edge. Trying to grab hold of it is like trying to pick up a bar of soap that you dropped - the harder I try to get a grip on it, the more it just jumps out of my hands and back onto the floor.

Because of that, I no longer try to get a handle on it as though I have any real control over it. Kind of like the soap, I just scoop it up gently and get back to the business of washing myself clean. Symbolically similar to how I treat my PTSD now.

I may be stuck with this thing forever, but even PTSD has some positive traits. It keeps me aware when others simply couldn't be bothered. I can't tell you how beneficial this is when I am trying to find a store, or fix a complex issue at work, or deal with drama within the family. I've found that, in any sort of crisis situation, people with PTSD tend to be exceptional problem solvers.

I've also found a high level of compassion, insight and intelligence from PTSD sufferers when they are in their comfort zone. I think, in particular, it is that deep compassion and insight we all tend to have that makes us susceptible to this disorder, in a way.

I hope you are doing better - if nothing else, the world has a great shortage of literary talent; I personally would hate to lose one more.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Thank you JD. Its always in me like a monster, I think when I am overtly tired or suffering an anxiety/painc attack, the monster comes out. The differnce between this monster and the PTSD is the PTSD is always there and the monster only comes out when my defenses are down.

Just yesterday I was talking about not expressing my deep down true feelings for fear of condemnation, then I get no sleep or an hour to two and add that to the last 5 days and it just comes out. All control is lost and the monster takes over.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, but thanks for listening

 

[jd9900]

I think....God I loved how you put that. I think maybe it's our job to accept the PTSD "Devil" inside of us, and realize it cannot be managed. But the anger, the fear, that.....thing that makes us respond - we can control those responses. And if we can just embrace the things within our power and accept maybe things will just mind-screw us....but embrace that our actions prove our worth, and we are not slaves to this.....I like to think that it is possible.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I am trying to let go of the false control I have. I am realizing that I have no control over the monster, but I'm having a problem with the responses. I can't seem to let go of control of the monster and stay in control of the reactions to the monster. I am trying though, thus the reason for posting.

Some would say, "that's not the first time I have heard that from you, just do it already or stop talking about it". Well, when I post my feelings, I get wonderful support that I have never had and it makes me feel a little more inclined to fight. Figured I would throw this in so I don't get any negative responses.

 

[jd9900]

The thing I am finding Ghost is that once I accept I cannot control this demon, I realize it is just a matter of knowing how to turn him off and on. Yes, I know that it sounds easier than I am making it out to be but at the end of the day YOU control HIM not the other way around. Sure, that dark passenger will pop his head up when you both least want or expect it, but remember that it is just a basic response....a fight or flight feeling. Remember how smart you are; what it has taken you to get to this point. .... You are ALWAYS better than that.