I was born Oct 16, 1950. My mother at the time was married to a man who was in prison. I don't know if he is my real father or not, he died when I was 8.
My mother was a heroin addict and a prostitute. She had 2 other women who would come to our house and work out of it. I'm the youngest; I have 1 sister & 3 brothers. The physical and sexual abuse actually started before I was born. My mother would allow people to do things to her for money so she could buy her drugs. In that sick and twisted world people would pay to be able to do things to women who are pregnant.
After birth the abuse continued and grew to include the other 2 women and my sibling’s. For whatever reason my Mother decided I should be trained to follow in her footsteps. Meaning I was taught and physically abused if I didn’t learn how to please women, men, siblings anyone who wanted to be pleased.
At 12 & 1/2 my mother tried to stab me to death with kitchen knives. I was able to get away and hide under a pile of dirty clothes. Sometime later I remember someone taking off the pile of dirty clothes and looking down at me. He was a Police Man and I remember looking up and asking him how he found me. He got this anguished look on his face and pointed to the floor, it was then I realized I was in a pool of blood. At the hospital people came in and told me I was not going to go home to my mom. I didn’t understand why, I asked what I did wrong and they simply said nothing, but that my Mom had to be admitted to a mental hospital.
A few days later I was taken to a Foster Family and told I would be living there. Within days I found out that what I thought had been a normal life or my life up to that point wasn't normal. I was sent back to the State and was put in intensive therapy to understand what was real and not real. I can't say I thought anything about my life before I just assumed that was life.
I'm now 60 years old and have been very fortunate to have had the intense early childhood therapy. I know that as an infant my body didn't develop normally as someone who wasn't subjected to the drug abuse during conception etc. Mentally I know I'm different but have learned to adapt. On the outside I look like anyone else with all my fingers and toes etc. I graduated from high school and immediately joined the Marine Corp. I'm a Viet-Nam Veteran who served 2 tours in Viet-Nam. I only did my 4 years in the Marine Corp and got an honorable discharge.
My 1st wife was my high school sweetheart. We found out she was pregnant a month before I was discharged. That marriage only lasted 5 years but gave me a beautiful daughter. I think the marriage failed because we both were foster children still trying to find out who we were. Five years later I remarried my current wife and we have been married 30 years now. We didn’t have any children, but she had a son and a daughter. They were 10 and 12. For a few years my daughter from my 1st marriage live us so we had 3 children for a few years. When my own daughter was 18, she was brutally killed, and that a whole different issue. Our son and daughter are now both married and I have been blessed with 6 grandchildren. Family is the most important thing in my life. I just need to learn how to developed and control my thoughts better.
Sexually I'm a mess, to me there is sex and then there is making love to my wife. I use masturbation to control the sex part of me, as I was told as a child in therapy. The therapist told me that I couldn't undo what had been done to me but I had to learn how to deal with the affects it had on me in an adult appropriate way. So masturbation has worked for that part of the sex. I have always been faithful to my wife and have never been with another person during our 30 years of marriage. My wife understands that sex to me is different than a normal person. Sex to me is a physical urge whereas making love to my wife is an expression of our love for each other. I just want to learn how to get rid of the physical urge so I can have more time and energy for the things in life I enjoy. Sex is not an enjoyment it is more of a physical addiction from my childhood.
I don't know for sure if I'm in the right place, if there is a moderator if he/she could direct me that would be great.
Papa369
My mother was a heroin addict and a prostitute. She had 2 other women who would come to our house and work out of it. I'm the youngest; I have 1 sister & 3 brothers. The physical and sexual abuse actually started before I was born. My mother would allow people to do things to her for money so she could buy her drugs. In that sick and twisted world people would pay to be able to do things to women who are pregnant.
After birth the abuse continued and grew to include the other 2 women and my sibling’s. For whatever reason my Mother decided I should be trained to follow in her footsteps. Meaning I was taught and physically abused if I didn’t learn how to please women, men, siblings anyone who wanted to be pleased.
At 12 & 1/2 my mother tried to stab me to death with kitchen knives. I was able to get away and hide under a pile of dirty clothes. Sometime later I remember someone taking off the pile of dirty clothes and looking down at me. He was a Police Man and I remember looking up and asking him how he found me. He got this anguished look on his face and pointed to the floor, it was then I realized I was in a pool of blood. At the hospital people came in and told me I was not going to go home to my mom. I didn’t understand why, I asked what I did wrong and they simply said nothing, but that my Mom had to be admitted to a mental hospital.
A few days later I was taken to a Foster Family and told I would be living there. Within days I found out that what I thought had been a normal life or my life up to that point wasn't normal. I was sent back to the State and was put in intensive therapy to understand what was real and not real. I can't say I thought anything about my life before I just assumed that was life.
I'm now 60 years old and have been very fortunate to have had the intense early childhood therapy. I know that as an infant my body didn't develop normally as someone who wasn't subjected to the drug abuse during conception etc. Mentally I know I'm different but have learned to adapt. On the outside I look like anyone else with all my fingers and toes etc. I graduated from high school and immediately joined the Marine Corp. I'm a Viet-Nam Veteran who served 2 tours in Viet-Nam. I only did my 4 years in the Marine Corp and got an honorable discharge.
My 1st wife was my high school sweetheart. We found out she was pregnant a month before I was discharged. That marriage only lasted 5 years but gave me a beautiful daughter. I think the marriage failed because we both were foster children still trying to find out who we were. Five years later I remarried my current wife and we have been married 30 years now. We didn’t have any children, but she had a son and a daughter. They were 10 and 12. For a few years my daughter from my 1st marriage live us so we had 3 children for a few years. When my own daughter was 18, she was brutally killed, and that a whole different issue. Our son and daughter are now both married and I have been blessed with 6 grandchildren. Family is the most important thing in my life. I just need to learn how to developed and control my thoughts better.
Sexually I'm a mess, to me there is sex and then there is making love to my wife. I use masturbation to control the sex part of me, as I was told as a child in therapy. The therapist told me that I couldn't undo what had been done to me but I had to learn how to deal with the affects it had on me in an adult appropriate way. So masturbation has worked for that part of the sex. I have always been faithful to my wife and have never been with another person during our 30 years of marriage. My wife understands that sex to me is different than a normal person. Sex to me is a physical urge whereas making love to my wife is an expression of our love for each other. I just want to learn how to get rid of the physical urge so I can have more time and energy for the things in life I enjoy. Sex is not an enjoyment it is more of a physical addiction from my childhood.
I don't know for sure if I'm in the right place, if there is a moderator if he/she could direct me that would be great.
Papa369
