My Marriage Is Dissolving...

[Lucasta]

...and it has little to do with my PTSD

My husband is a recovering(?) addict/alcoholic. This is relapse 5 for him since we got married 4.5 years ago. It came one year to the day after the last one. One year that I devoted to my own recovery and to ours as a couple. One year I tried to lead (and then drag) him into couples counseling. Every sign around me says cut and run- leave him. He blamed my PTSD for countless problems that were not only mine. I'm not quite ready to give up.

What can he do to convince me he's actually on the way to being the man I deserve?

 

[Loloma]

Hi and welcome to the PTSD forum.

 

[pie]

Hello and welcome.

Don't you find it pathetic that an addict usually blames someone else for the problems around himself and that any promises are empty? I find his behavior very common. I took a class once called "chemical dependency", and among all 25 people in that class I was the only one that has never been to rehab (for drug and/or alcohol abuse) and has never been convicted of a crime; the rest of 24 people have. All were/are recovering and are studying to be chemical dependency counselors. So for 6 months I sat in the room with these people listening to stories of what they went through.

One thing I learned is that there certainly is hope but it requires work and self discipline because nobody else can do the work for them. Most of these people hit rock bottom before they realized what was going on, what effect their actions had on themselves, their friends and family. Many of them are now alone because their spouses, families and friends could not carry their load anymore. And so my classmates who are now sober were telling me that they don't blame anyone but themselves but that it took a long time before they realized that its their own doing.

Alcohol and drugs have such strong power on a person that sometimes it requires for that person to hit that rock bottom so they can finally see what damage they have caused to others.

Lucasta, you must ask yourself how willing and strong you are to go through this. And whatever you decide, don't forget to take care of yourself.

Good luck.

 

[nursenurse]

Lucasta, it is the age old question - are you better with him or without him? Why is he blaming your PTSD for his short comings? And I suspect if I sat with you for an afternoon of coffee, there would be other red flags.

You cannot accept responsibility for his bad behaviour. Addiction is an awful thing, and like PTSD, the person with the addiction often will only go for the proper help and realize their part in it, when they hit rock bottom, as pie said above.

5 relapses in 4.5 years, and he is still blaming you. Really, it's not even the PTSD he is blaming, it is you. With that little information alone, I'd be beating a hasty retreat. The man you deserve would not blame his actions on you, or use your diagnosis against you.