My Marriage Is Stressful And I Am Starting To Wonder If My Husband Even Cares

[Lady of Longbourn]

God, it's getting bad with Husband.

I am getting so angry with him. Even the smallest interactions and I have NO patience. None, at all.

I find myself screaming at him in my mind and having to bit my lower lip hard so I don't, loosing my temper with him at the smallest things and snapping at him. I have even swore at him under my breath while walking away.

I few things come to mind about why; Lack of communication. Lack of being able to talk to him about my life, some major things have changed and he just doesn't seem to care and wont talk about it; I got a mentor recently and he doesn't want to talk about it. Having to repeat things over and over again about my day becasue he is not listening. Having to repeat things I just said. Him not paying attention, only hearing half of what I said and them me having to correct it. Over and over again...

We filled out a resume for a job I am thinking about. He told me they wont call my cell (that's f*cking stupid, I know lots of people who don't even bother with a land line anymore). He told me that he gets a text when someone calls the land lane and yelled at him and told him "You don't give a damn about me during the day [while he is at work]!! By the time you finally text me that they called it will be hours later..." I left the room, calling him a damn bastard under my breath.

If I text him during the day he often wont text me back until much much later. I know he is using his phone all the time, every 10 minutes he must check it. We don't actually text much during the day, maybe 3-5 times. On normal, nothing much happening days this wont bother me much... Normally he checks in during the afternoon. Even when I am talking to him, he will take out his phone and start checking his emails. We can be out shopping and he will just stand there in the aisle and check his phone.We can be eating dinner out and he will check his phone.

And then calling him while he is at work; it doesn't happen. I could get into a major cat wreck, start desperately calling him and I will get a text saying 'in a meeting' ' or call you in 10' and he wouldn't. It doesn't seem to matter either that if I call many times in row because he doesn't seem to understand that means it's important.

It's really just work, work, work with him. He puts everything into work and with me, I get almost nothing. I feel used all the time, forgotten about, put aside. He puts nothing into me or the house. It's all work.

I don't even want to start with money. 'His' money instead of 'ours'.

I really just feel that I mean little to him lately. The relationship is getting so tiring...so badly tiring.

Sometimes really needs to change.

 

[arfie]

I have a joke that for some perverse reason has gotten me through the worst of my 34 years with my husband. Can't swear this won't be the year I give him a divorce for our anniversary, but...

A man brought his wife roses for their 20th anniversary. "One rose for each of our good years." he told her with a dramatic hug and kiss.

"But there are only 16 roses here," she noted aloud when she was putting them in a vase.

"Yea," he quipped, "and 16 out of 20 ain't bad."

She looked for thoughtful for a moment, took out 4 roses and threw them in the compost bucket.

Anyhoo... When I start feeling like this way about my husband, I take some space - zero texts, etc., a day - and go do something for myself. Over-exposure and dependency are among our nastier demons.

Gentle support while you sort what will work in your special case.

 

[ill]

I wonder if you and your husband can set some boundaries around cell phone communication? Both in terms of him constantly checking his phone when you're together (designating some time for just the two of you, with no intruders - meaning the cell too) and also around being available if and when you need to speak to him.

Have you sat down together and talked about your feelings, his behaviour, and what you'd like to work towards together?

Personally, when my needs aren't being met either in a relationship or in general, I find myself much crankier, more impatient and more likely to behave in ways that aren't coherent with the person I want to be. It sounds like you know at least some of the things you need - you need to be able to reach him in an emergency, you need him to be more present in the time you share together, you need to feel like a priority, you need to feel like it's your shared money, you need to feel like he's pulling his weight in the relationship. You need those things in order to feel loved, appreciated and respected in your relationship, otherwise your relationship will be a source of pain rather than joy. Have you been able to sit down and share that with him without anger and not in response to a particular event, but just in terms of asking for what you need? He may not realize how serious these things are or have become.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I've been those type of relationships. O split with my husband over it after years of being pushed out. May current boyfriend and I did as well. Both have come back at one time or another wanting to restart once they've had space. I'm with the boyfriend but am now on alert and still don't trust him. Its easier for me to give someone up with my trauma because of the trust issues. I often have to be a hermit for a while. Do you experience the same things? I wish we had tried therapy in both situations but my resentment goes deep quickly. Its hard to let that even work.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have a joke

Very very funny Arfie. :D

I wonder if you and your husband can set some boundaries around cell phone communication?

I doubt it. He once told me that in terms of work he is available until 11pm, his work pays the bills his work etc. etc. I can't even remember all the excuses.

Have you sat down together and talked about your feelings, his behaviour, and what you'd like to work towards together?

Yes, but it has not helped. He just goes back to before.

Have you been able to sit down and share that with him without anger and not in response to a particular event, but just in terms of asking for what you need?

I am pretty sure I have without angry. Pretty sure but he really doesn't seem to listen to anything I say anymore. :(

My mother once talked about 'training' him. Apparently my mother 'trained' my stepfather to what he is now. That repulsed be to be honest and sounds very manipulative and just terrible to a marriage. I haven't talked to her about it since...can't really talk to her about anything.

Do you experience the same things?

Well, no...From what your talked about your relationships seem very short term while I have been married for 6 years now. There is a good level of trust with Husband and I.[DOUBLEPOST=1399253099,1399252891][/DOUBLEPOST]My husband actually made dinner. :)

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Mine have been long term. I was with my husband 11 years and boyfriend 5. Both are there for me in a heart beat if I need it. My boyfriend and I took a break and dated other people but have come back around to being together. Never really split up in our hearts but when I was pushed away for a while by both, my ptsd made me fearful, then resentment came in. That's the hard thing to release for me. being able to trust them when they rejected me. Abondonment is one of my issues.

[DOUBLEPOST=1399254114,1399254020][/DOUBLEPOST]I'm not saying you will have this. It just the ups and downs of any relationship but its especially hard with ptsd involved.

 

[ill]

When he says "in terms of his work," is he referring to the terms of his contract or is it merely his choice to be available that often? To me, there would be a world of difference between the two. Have you talked to him about being available to you? If so, what was his response?

So he does make a positive change but then he reverts back?

For me, when I've been in similar situations, I've had to figure out what my bottom line, non-negotiable needs are and explicitly (but gently and lovingly, if possible) say as much. Something like, "I love you and I want to be with you, but I *need* x, y, and z in order to have a healthy, happy relationship with you and in order to sustain my well-being". Even though your needs seem perfectly clear to me, I've found it really helpful to be as explicit as possible in terms of expectations. So it's not enough to simply say "I need you to be present," I also have to define and give examples of what I mean by being present.

Pretty sure but he really doesn't seem to listen to anything I say anymore.

Sometimes even when people love us, they have a difficult time hearing us, and even when they hear us, they have a hard time recognizing how serious we/things are. Is anything going on with him right now that might be increasing his own stress and making it difficult for him to be the same active participant in your relationship he seemed to have been?

I'm glad he made dinner, and I hope it's a sign of more positive things to come!

 

[Lucycat]

. We don't actually text much during the day, maybe 3-5 times. .

I would not text my husband this much in a week! If we are at work we are focussing on work, this many texts every day would be such a distraction.

I am not making excuses for him. I am just seeing very different levels of expectation regarding communication systems and normal values.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Lucycat I will be frank and say I have no idea why you think 'many texts' is 3 to 5 times a day. Most of the time they are a simple "How is your day so far?"

Confused by your reply frankly and I really don't understand 'normal values'. Why is checking in on your partner a bad thing? It's not just me who texts, he also does if I haven't during the day, he will text and ask how my day is.

I really don't understand the logic behind your comment. I really don't...

 

[Lucycat]

Sorry it really was not meant as a criticism, just that we are all different. You commented that your husband does not always reply or if he does it can be a generally 'busy' comment. Therefore I got the impression the level of communication for him is too much ( as it would be for me).

For you, it would appear normal is a different normal ie you feel that many texts is appropriate. I just read it that you are at different places. I am not saying there is anything wrong with checking in, and of course it depends on the jobs you have as to how disruptive messages are.

For me, that many texts would be too many. I simply would not have time to keep updating my husband through the day when I know at the end of the day I will see him.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

While I still don't agree it is too many texts, I do understand that every couple is different. I am not always the type to isolate like so many sufferers. I enjoy my free time and would probably see many texts a day as invasive. We are normally apart 9 to 10 hours a day if that helps you understand the picture a bit more.

I do not think that my husband views this as "too much" at all since he will often be the one to start texting in the first place.

I guess what I mostly meant by that comment is that work gets in the way of our relationship just a little too much for me. I often feel cast aside and while I actually don't want a huge amount of texts all day, this just adds to the rest of the work issues; as in checking his phone while talking to me or checking his phone during meals.

I hope that makes sense it is 4:30 in the morning here and it's finals week.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I wanted to thank those who have contributed thus far to this thread. For me, the emotional maturity offered within the different points of view (ie: texting) is inspiring to me and makes me feel safe in this forum. Also it assisted me within my understanding of my need of closeness/intimacy vs. my partner.

I have noticed that my adult son and DIL (30's) do text each other quite frequently and seem comfortable within this arrangement. My significant other (S.O.) of 5 years & I are twice that age :rolleyes: but use to work together on the same campus. It became a strain for him to balance appearances of hats. Our area of proximity for instance- he stood actually closer to others during work. Things of this nature would sometimes manifest in triggering for me. So I taught different hours but still harbored the self-imposed kernel of his rejection(?).:eek: Perhaps not the greatest seed of choice, however I am being authentic here.

Now, I see a couple references among this thread to abandonment issues and individual flow for need-set of communication. I feel at home within this group reading the post with the healthy goal set of honesty, healing and possible resolutions. I now can understand a tad my 'urge to merge' may indeed be a friction area for my SO. I can better understand both sides from this healthy discussion...this is a blessing for me. Thank you, sincerely for being so open and gentle to one another.:tup: