My Mom's Old, I Can't Bring This Trauma Up With Her Now,guilty Again!

[It's all my fault]

So I'm 51 and grew up in a severely abusive alcholic home with daily terror. My dad was the monster. He is dead. My mom never protected us, even now and will never take responsibility in her part. She stood by and watched beatings, brought my brother to the ER with his broken arm and justified his behavior constantly. She lives in the land of La La where fairy dust and smiles take away reality. She knows I have been very mentally I'll over the last few years, even so far as needing ECT to pull me out of suicidally. She calls all the time, asks me how I am, if I actually tell her how I feel, I feel guilty for upsetting her! So, I just say good, she tells me oh great your fixed then and I reply yes! Then, I end up back in crisis again! Rinse and repeat. It's pathetic. I feel guilty for upsetting her about having a mental illness that she had a large part in causing! She is up and about, driving and a social butterfly in florida but she is 83. So, my question is should I actually sit her down and confront her (which my siblings will be mad about as she would probably work herself up into another heart attack) or just stuff it back down with the rest of the garbage I've swallowed my 51 years of life. Oh ya, I'm nauseous from swallowing this trash.

 

[scout86]

My mom's kind of like that. (My dad wasn't like yours, though.) My only suggestion is to treat it like white noise. She's not going to change. What is is, what was was, she can't give what she never had. When I talk to my mom, I'm "fine", period. She doesn't listen to my answer anyway, why go there? I don't think there's any point in a confrontation. My therapist says I should treat conversations with my mom as "interesting" and let it go at that. Sorry I don't have a magic wand!

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry for what you went through and are going through now. She sounds terrible! By your statements, she has never taken responsibility for it or protected you from it. She sounds like she needs you to be ok for herself to be ok. She sounds rather co-dependent.

What do you hope that confronting her would accomplish?

I have a mother that is a little like yours. I tried confronting her. She handled my confronting her like she has handled everything else my entire life... she tried to shift the blame, she avoided it, and she guilt tripped me, and she and I both melted down into a crisis.

I would hope that if you did confront her, that she would fess up to the hell she put you through. I'm not sure if it would happen or not.

 

[Notsowild]

I can relate @Its all my fault. I was going to start a thread "Do you forgive your mother?" My mother left my father once when she found out about him abusing us. But once she came home and the abuse continued she turned a blind eye to it.

She was weak, suffered from agoraphobia and was also abused as a child. I know- not a good enough- excuse but I could feel for her. She was a victim of my father too.

My mother is elderly now. I am her only child who lives close by. Most of my siblings do not see her. I have never talked to her about past. She wants to forget it and pretend it never happened. So I can't really tell her about my PTSD. She doesn't even know I'm on stress leave right now.

Sorry I don't have an answer for you. I know how hard it is though. Take care of yourself.

 

[Muzikluvr]

It's likely that whatever your mother and siblings did in the past when confronted with the abuse, is the same thing they will choose now. I hope, whether or not you decide to confront your mom, that you will put a wall up between what she believes or what she needs to hear from you, and what you validate to yourself in reality. It seems like, every time you tell her you're fine, then your body goes into a kind of tailspin... like you need her to know you're not fine in order for that to be valid or recognized or... real.

But, she isn't likely to believe reality anyway, she doesn't want to... but that doesn't change reality and you shouldn't internalize the words you use to maintain a relationship with her. They're just words. She wants the fantasy. You choose whether or not you can give that to her and not fall over from the hypocrisy of it all.

 

[It's all my fault]

Thank you all for your suggestions. I never really correlated my circling the drain with our conversations.! Interesting and probable. I know she will never own up to her part but feel like she needs to be punished for it. Is that wrong?

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah the idea of "punishing" an 83 year old mother is wrong. My mother is 74 and like yours has never owned up to her part either, but to punish her for past wrongs when she is elderly to me is unthinkable and out of the question.

 

[It's all my fault]

Thanks, I guess I'm just a horrible person.

 

[macca]

@It's all my fault No way are you a horrible person. No way. Our feelings aren't wrong, they're just feelings. If we act on them it's another matter. Why wouldn't you feel angry that she didn't protect you? It seems normal to me that you would be angry about this. It doesn't sound like you'd get anywhere, or that it's even worth having a go at it, but your feelings are valid.

 

[It's all my fault]

Thanks Macca. My therapist says the same thing. I guess I'm stuck in the angry phase. Hope I can figure out how to move on.

 

[Echo]

At @It's all my fault - first of all, your name is a punishment all of its own. I hope you are able to move onto a new name soon!! :)

I have just faced a similar problem to you. My parents (my abusers) are in their early '80s and very fit actually, though I know not everyone is at that age. Anyway, I resolved this issue by writing to them, not accusing them of anything, but laying out my diagnosis and symptoms and stating what the professionals say. I asked them to give me time and space to heal and not to contact me. My prime reason for doing this was to get just that, time, space and peace. Of course, it dawned on me before I sent my letter, that it also gave them a chance to face themselves. They remember what they did. And if they chose to stay in denial, then so be it. I realised I was never going to get anywhere by talking to them. They have such vested interests in not accepting the truth, in lying, minimising and all the rest. The only person who was going to get damaged in all of that was me. But it is important to me not to continue to live their lies. So speaking my truth after all these years in my letter was, for me, the way to go. It does give them the chance to change and to face themselves, but I'm not going to set myself up for disappointment there. Anyway, I just wondered if this or something like it is a middle way for you. In the end it depends on what you actually want out of it. Whatever you decide, it needs to come from your gut. And remember, you did not deserve it, and it is not all your fault.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I went no contact years ago. One of the best decision I ever made! May I ask why do you need or want her in your life?