My Mother... Argh!!

[Smile]

Discussed with my T. I've come to the conclusion that I need to block her number bc even if she sends me a text and I don't look at it, it ruins my day.

I'll still call her once a week.

My only issue is that if she texts me, I won't get them. And then if I speak to her on the phone and she asks about it, what do I say?

I don't want her to KNOW I've blocked her.

 

[Abstract]

I know it probably feels impossible (these people are expert at guilt training) but I think it would be great if you could tell her what you are doing, You can do it nicely. Maybe say you can tell she is finding it hard to respect your request of not contacting you so you are blocking her number but will phone her weekly. You hope she can understand you are doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. I know that feeling when the texts emails and phone calls come through, Whether one answers/reads them or not.

WheneverI did (and still often when I do) something assertive with my family I am thrown into a terror state so I know how hard it can be. Its been life changing though. Its like throwing those chains off one step at a time. Its not linear of course and I find I go up and down in how I cope and how strong I am in following through. Shes trained you to tiptoe around her and take responsibility for her behaviour.

I find the normal curve doing this is: Fear (sometimes very intense and primal), terrible guilt and self doubt, rumination, then slowly acceptance. As it goes one I find it freeing and it gives me belief in my ability to look after myself. I wish you much luck.

 

[Smile]

I know it probably feels impossible (these people are expert at guilt training) but I think it would be...

She has a very real heart condition. I couldn't live with something happening to her bc I've upset her too much.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't want her to KNOW I've blocked her.

Why not? Honestly, it would be better if you did. You can frame it in the positive - "mom, I won't get any texts or emails or calls you make to me. But, we are going to talk on the phone once a week, and (siblings) know how to get in touch with me in case there's an emergency. I want you to know this so you don't get frustrated if you try and get in touch with me; I won't get the message. I'll talk to you (date, time)."
And, block.

It's almost like pretending you are in a foreign country with 1990 technology.

I would fear that if you don't tell her, it is going to consume the relationship, her frustration at your non-response. This way, she can work on her behavior also.

When it becomes the topic in your first call, you just need to repeat: "This is how it's going to work for right now" And "Let's talk about something else. [subject change]"

If she starts repeating "but why are you doing this?" You need to stick to: "I've said that it's what I need to do, and there's nothing more to say"..."I'm sorry, but there's nothing more to say about it"..."I'm not saying any more about it"...."I will not say any more about it"...."no"..."If this is all you want to talk about, let's finish this call and try again next week. I love you, goodbye". And, block.

 

[Smile]

Why not? Honestly, it would be better if you did. You can frame it in the positive - "mom, I won't...

I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that

 

[Abstract]

We can surprise ourselves with our strength Smile. And sometimes it isn;t nearly as bad as we fear it will be. You are not the small child you were way back. I think you can do this.

Learning assertiveness was one of the very best and more freeing (and most scary) things I have learnt. I hope you get to experience that too.