Childhood My Mother Didn't Stop The Abuse

[Sweet_E]

Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.

My back-story: My step-dad used to repeatedly molest me and somehow, I distinctly remember, telling my mom one day, "I don't like the way daddy touches me." The intensity of her response was on the same level as if I had asked, "What's for dinner?" She replied, "I'll talk to him." The abuse continued after that until one day when he was chasing me around the house, which was like a "game" for him and totally terrifying for me, I just completely snapped and stood up to him, screaming at the top of my lungs, "I hate you! I hate you!" (To this day if someone triggers me really bad, I will sometimes yell, "I hate you!" because that is what stopped the abuse as a kid. He stopped and even apologized to me later that day and admitted that what he had been doing was wrong!

I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. Talking about stuff resurfaced the memory of being molested repeatedly. I said to my mom, "Do you remember when I told you about how he would touch me?" I don't remember how I worded the question exactly but she responded, almost exact words "I thought you meant you didn't like him tickling you because you were getting older." (Tickling was a way he groomed me to be molested.) I don't remember all of the other details of the conversation but I have a memory of understanding that she was aware that I was molested.

My mom and I are very close. She knows that I have PTSD. I have told her that I have never had an orgasm due to the abuse from childhood. I'm so certain that she knows I was molested but her actions make me question myself. There were times after my mom and step dad separated, and after I presume she knew he molested me that she spent time with him. I think she even slept with him. How could you do that with someone who molested your daughter??? As an adult, she had triggered me by casually mentioning me that she took him to church with her. I told her that it upset me that she would bring it up so casually as he is the one who abused me! Again, I don't remember exact words but I double guess myself because I can't fathom that she understands what she is doing. Why would someone, who I know loves me, want to spend time with someone who molested me as child?

A couple years ago, he died of some mysterious cause that his family wouldn't disclose. He was in his 50s. I suspect suicide or drugs. Hearing of his death was a shock and tough to deal with. At the same time, the world feels safer to me now. Upon hearing of his death, my mother wrote a blurb about him on Facebook, saying these nice things about him being an animal lover and sharing memories they had. When I saw it, it triggered me into a flashback. I immediately wrote her and asked that she take it down. I figured she's not always active on FB so I then called her. Somehow during the conversation I just started screaming at the top of my lungs, threw my phone, and other things, and then just laid on the ground screaming and crying hysterically. This went on for I don't know how many minutes. Somehow I eventually calmed down and realized I threw the phone while my mother was on the line. I searched for my phone and finally found it under a piece of furniture. My mom had stayed on the line and listened through the whole thing. Her response when I picked up the phone was a very calm, "I'm so glad you got that all out."

My question is: Has anyone else experience something where they went to a trusted, close caregiver for help and they did nothing? Are you still close with them? Have you ever talked to them about it?

Also, because of this experience I get triggered whenever a person in authority or in a care-giving role does not fulfill their obligation. Right now I am dealing with bad experiences with doctors and it is a barrier to me getting medical treatment. But I will talk more on this later.

How do you deal with that secondary trauma of a trusted person not helping? It's tricky because it was not a specific event that I can say, "I remember when that happened!" I don't remember a point in my childhood mind where I said, "Damn! My mom didn't help me." It was all subconscious I guess. It makes it trickier for making sense of triggers. I get really angry when I experience this trigger but I don't ever remember consciously being angry at my mom as a kid.

 

[ibgrace]

When I read this my first response as a mother is "how could she allow that" . Then I pause and think of how trumatic events do a person and that everyone handles it in the beginning the best way that they can live with it until finally seeking help...I'm not trying to defend your mother by no means but is it possible, having a husband like this has given her PTSD? It is something to consider...From your words I feel that you do love each other...Maybe you should speak with her about things she went through...Could be and possibly is that your not the only one he abused...Wives can be molested...raped and other things too....Instead of letting this man destroy the both of you any more maybe it's time you fight back together... Just my thoughts..I wish you and your mom the best <3

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Her response when I picked up the phone was a very calm, "I'm so glad you got that all out."

That's a totally awesome reply in my opinion. I wish my dad could see things that way (just speaking of this comment).

Has anyone else experience something where they went to a trusted, close caregiver for help and they did nothing?

Yep, my dad. I BEGGED my dad at the age of 9 (when he was about to leave then changed his mind) and then again at the age of 12 (when he left) to not leave me with my mom and her lover whom later became my step dad and was a cult leader which my mom also became co-cult leader.

Are you still close with them?

Yes but a complicated relationship. He doesn't believe me and twists it to make it not abuse in his mind. He stops me from venting and tells me things like "just put it behind you" and "just move on" and "just ignore it" and "why do you have to make a big deal of it" etc. So yes we have a relationship but he isn't a supporter. I have no supporters but those on this site.

Have you ever talked to them about it?

Yep. As of last week ish he knows about the worst rituals & punishments, which I had not been wanting to tell him about; but wasn't the best idea so it's the elephant in the room because of the things mentioned above. What he said when my mom was dying, due to me not wanting to go see her and my therapist backing me up, really changed our relationship. It fractured it permentaly.

How do you deal with that secondary trauma of a trusted person not helping?

Allow yourself to feel angry if you need to or sad if you need to, or whatever you need to feel. Give space for those emotions which likely would include grief of a childhood. Grief for the child that wasn't helped as she should have been. Grief for the loss of protection. And anything else. You give yourself permission to feel these things and you give it space.

I have not dealt with it yet but basically that is what i am trying to do. I have no gave myself permission to just be angry with him. It is important to me that he believes me and sees what he allowed to happen but that will never occur so I am trying to navigate this without that. So you aren't alone in that.

My mom divorced my dad over 20 years ago but yet my dad's side of the family talked to my mom to to her death. They were the ones that were at her deathbed. My entire family believes a child abuser, cult leader, psycopath sexual sadist over me, the one with major mental issues (that they can see) for apparently no reason since, per them, I had the perfect childhood.

It is hard when that happens but I eventually backed away from them completely. Them and all the drama. In doing that (which took a good while and was super painful to the point of several suicide attempts because of my family) I was able to take very large steps and movements in my healing. Over looking all of that I morned but I was able to finally move in therapy.

I am not saying to stop talking to your mom. I am saying that you cannot control what she does but only how you react to what she does. You only have control of you and thats it. Your reactions, emotions, feelings, thoughts, behavior. Thats all you can control.

 

[Sweet_E]

When I read this my first response as a mother is "how could she allow that" . Then I pause and think o...

Thanks! She grew up around siblings who were raped by my grandfather so that definitely affected her ability to respond appropriately. I have forgiven her and love her unconditionally. I'm more coming from the angle of trying to process the triggers that have come from it. I've t

When I read this my first response as a mother is "how could she allow that" . Then I pause and think o...

I don't think what my step-father did or what I'm going through will destroy the relationship I have with my mom. I have forgiven her even though I don't understand and I love her unconditionally. I don't think asking her to tell me about the abuse she went through would be therapeutic for me in dealing with the issues. She leaned on me inappropriately for emotional support when I was a child and I feel like that would be encouraging that old dynamic. I'm just trying to process how it feels from my perspective. It's very damaging to a child when a parent fails to protect, whether there was a reason for it or not. But I do appreciate your kind words and well wishes.

 

[Sweet_E]

That's a totally awesome reply in my opinion. I wish my dad could see things that way (just...

God damn! I don't know how I could deal if my family didn't believe me. That is maddening!

It's nice to hear that someone understands what it feels like to have a parent who knew what was happening but didn't stop it. Thank you for sharing.

The last part of your response is something I definitely try to work on: boundaries. However, as a child, that's the parents' responsibility - to do something the child has no control over - or shouldn't have to control, such as providing safety. Obviously it's not an issue now, but it's trigger that I'm trying to resolve and make sense of. Maybe that's the problem - that I'm being too analytical about it.

But actually my mom and I are very close. I bracket the unresolved emotions when we are together. I have talked to my therapist about the possibility of talking to her about it, but I fear damaging the relationship like you experienced, or hurting her. I tell myself that she must, somewhere in her psyche, have tremendous guilt about it, right? Or maybe I fear that she will ambivalent about it. That's probably it. Real time aha moment here: I'm afraid she is not affected at all by her failure to protect me. That would feel so devastating to me. And you are right. That is a boundaries issues.

 

[Friday]

"I thought you meant you didn't like him tickling you because you were getting older."

I remember being a kid and thinking my parents knew everything. TBH it REALLY took becoming a parent myself to really understand that, nope! They never knew what happened at preschool, school, friends houses, upstairs when they were in the kitchen, outside when they were inside, etc. Except what we told them, or they witnessed themselves. What was obvious to me as a kid? Because I was in my own head & my own life? Were often things they were completely clueless about. But I didn't really get that until I started teaching/training my son how to talk about what happened where he was. Because I wasn't there, I needed him to be able to tell me. (Kids aren't linear; this happened then this, then that, etc. Is a cognitive milestone that doesn't happen for 6-8 years, and the ability to tell stories? Leaving out the everything -and then I sat up, and then I stretched, and then I went to pee- and sticking to the highlights; as well as not assuming "obviously" but connecting the dots for people who weren't there? Is a learned skill.) Even going to huge amounts of effort to teach my son how to tell me about things I wasn't present for? It took over 2 years to find out why he refused to watch TheMuppetShow (one of the muppets ate another muppet). And that's just one example of thousands.

So, speaking as a parent, I'd be inclined to agree... It sounds like your mom thought you didn't like his tickling you.

I also wouldn't be so sure that she knows he molested you, even today. If you haven't told her.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

she must, somewhere in her psyche, have tremendous guilt about it, right?

I think so and I think its like my dad. I have a thread about my dad. Actually several i think but the most recent my help you some: Am I Suppose To Take A Lie Detector To Prove It? I don't know but maybe the replies may help you with your mom.

I think it might be the same though. If she faces that she didn't protect her child then there is a lot pain there and likely doesn't know how to deal with it so she denies it or at least minimizes it so its not so painful. Thats what i think my dad does anyway.

Boundries are 100% necessary. I have to keep them with my dad to have a relationship at all.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm with @Friday on this one.
I've been both the abused who told her mother and the mother who was told.

With my mom, I have little to no forgiveness. She was an alcoholic who chose to ignore things.
When I came out and accused him as an adult I was not believed.


As a mom..
my son came up and said that he had been furious with me for not stopping a friend of the family from molesting him. He said he told me. I SWEAR I have no memory of it. At the time, I was barely able to keep food on the table. I had left all three kids in the care of someone else so I could work. Their son (who was only a year or two older than my son) was the one who did this. I knew that my son didn't LIKE being there but then again, none of the kids really did. I thought there was safety in numbers. I thought that he was ok and that I was doing right by them. Not perfect but right.

When he told me as an adult what had happened, I wanted to simply die. I am wrecked by this. I STILL don't know exactly what happened- if it was more than touching. How far it went. He tried to tell me that night and I dissociated so badly I didn't hear him. I'm so ashamed that I have not been able to be there for my son emotionally. I'm afraid to go back and open that back up.

Don't assume she knows, even now, exactly what happened.
And yes, she may now know but she may be trying to figure out how to deal with her own grief. Her own culpability in all of this. I know I am.

 

[Llith]

I had to reply to this thread.

I wasn't sexually abused as a kid, but I was physically and emotionally abused. One of my clearest memories is of my dad physically kicking me out of the door, screaming at me in front of the whole street and pulling me around. Getting up in my face threatening me etc. I threaten to call child services on him (I was 15/16 at the time) and he turned round looked me in the eye and laughed. Told me I could try, but no one would care, and no one would believe me over him.

The whole time my mum was watching sitting in the car, crying and doing nothing. My dad abused me for my entire life until the school ended up finding out and threatened to take me away from them. My mum knew the entire time. She apologised to me once for things my dad did to me when I was a baby. A f*ckING BABY.

Sorry this is a really sore subject for me. How can you know that your partner is abusing your own child, and stand there. Just watching. It makes me feel sick. I know she was scared of him, but at the very least divorce him and get out of there. She never even stood up to him, often when I did something wrong she told him. Knowing he would flip off the handle and hurt me.

I have a good relationship with my parents now, but that doesn't mean I forget what they did. I will never forgive or forget, just try and get on with my life the best I can now.

 

[AlisonW]

Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.

My back-story: My step-dad use...

Hi

So sorry to hear of your experience.

I was abused as a child. Physical emotional and neglect. My first memory is being in a cupboard, trying to get out. Each time I pushed my fingers through the gap in the door, a man would push them back with an empty kitchen towel tube. I was around 2 and a half.
I remember seeing my mum sat on a sofa, watching TV and eating soup, in the same room as the cupboard where this was happening.
For years she told me it was a dream.
During my teens, I brought it up again and she said while he was doing that to me, he was leaving her alone.
Me and my mum were exceptionally close, even after she told me this.
My counsellor said this is common.
I cut my mum off completely when I had my second child after years of mind games. Best decision I ever made. I did it to keep my children safe from her.

 

[Sweet_E]

Hi

So sorry to hear of your experience.

I was abused as a child. Physical emotional and neglect. My f...

I don't understand how someone can do something like that to a child. Thank you for sharing your story.

If we ever have a child, I would not trust my mom as a caregiver if I was not there.

 

[Taraxacum]

Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.

My back-story: My step-dad use...

I just had a meltdown in my psychiatrists office unloading about my current situation. I had scheduled a Med consult because that is what has been the course of my treatment (ADHD). I had my MD switched for a PNP who sat and listened to my hysterical account of the abuse I was suffering and how I needed something to keep me together so I could get myself out. I take stimulant medication because it helps bring me inside to the rational part of my brain and turns the volume way down on the tension feelings that set me off at any disappointment (yes the more we expect they are a safe place to express our needs the greater the shame in being rejected).
Of course starting from the premise that I was drug seeking for amphetamines. She had already concluded that my emotional state was a reaction to a misuse of my medication. When I said that I felt like I was going to end up in a mental hospital she replied loudly "MAYBE YOU SHOULD" I barely had control of myself as I stood up and escaped to the lobby. My truth was disregarded as histrionics. No consideration that my behavior was inconsistent with any previous behavior I'd presented over the last couple of years and that amphetamine psychosis looks a whole lot like an escalation of chronic unavoidable stress. It's especially damaging if you're already getting manipulated to trust your judgement by your abuser.