Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.
My back-story: My step-dad used to repeatedly molest me and somehow, I distinctly remember, telling my mom one day, "I don't like the way daddy touches me." The intensity of her response was on the same level as if I had asked, "What's for dinner?" She replied, "I'll talk to him." The abuse continued after that until one day when he was chasing me around the house, which was like a "game" for him and totally terrifying for me, I just completely snapped and stood up to him, screaming at the top of my lungs, "I hate you! I hate you!" (To this day if someone triggers me really bad, I will sometimes yell, "I hate you!" because that is what stopped the abuse as a kid. He stopped and even apologized to me later that day and admitted that what he had been doing was wrong!
I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. Talking about stuff resurfaced the memory of being molested repeatedly. I said to my mom, "Do you remember when I told you about how he would touch me?" I don't remember how I worded the question exactly but she responded, almost exact words "I thought you meant you didn't like him tickling you because you were getting older." (Tickling was a way he groomed me to be molested.) I don't remember all of the other details of the conversation but I have a memory of understanding that she was aware that I was molested.
My mom and I are very close. She knows that I have PTSD. I have told her that I have never had an orgasm due to the abuse from childhood. I'm so certain that she knows I was molested but her actions make me question myself. There were times after my mom and step dad separated, and after I presume she knew he molested me that she spent time with him. I think she even slept with him. How could you do that with someone who molested your daughter??? As an adult, she had triggered me by casually mentioning me that she took him to church with her. I told her that it upset me that she would bring it up so casually as he is the one who abused me! Again, I don't remember exact words but I double guess myself because I can't fathom that she understands what she is doing. Why would someone, who I know loves me, want to spend time with someone who molested me as child?
A couple years ago, he died of some mysterious cause that his family wouldn't disclose. He was in his 50s. I suspect suicide or drugs. Hearing of his death was a shock and tough to deal with. At the same time, the world feels safer to me now. Upon hearing of his death, my mother wrote a blurb about him on Facebook, saying these nice things about him being an animal lover and sharing memories they had. When I saw it, it triggered me into a flashback. I immediately wrote her and asked that she take it down. I figured she's not always active on FB so I then called her. Somehow during the conversation I just started screaming at the top of my lungs, threw my phone, and other things, and then just laid on the ground screaming and crying hysterically. This went on for I don't know how many minutes. Somehow I eventually calmed down and realized I threw the phone while my mother was on the line. I searched for my phone and finally found it under a piece of furniture. My mom had stayed on the line and listened through the whole thing. Her response when I picked up the phone was a very calm, "I'm so glad you got that all out."
My question is: Has anyone else experience something where they went to a trusted, close caregiver for help and they did nothing? Are you still close with them? Have you ever talked to them about it?
Also, because of this experience I get triggered whenever a person in authority or in a care-giving role does not fulfill their obligation. Right now I am dealing with bad experiences with doctors and it is a barrier to me getting medical treatment. But I will talk more on this later.
How do you deal with that secondary trauma of a trusted person not helping? It's tricky because it was not a specific event that I can say, "I remember when that happened!" I don't remember a point in my childhood mind where I said, "Damn! My mom didn't help me." It was all subconscious I guess. It makes it trickier for making sense of triggers. I get really angry when I experience this trigger but I don't ever remember consciously being angry at my mom as a kid.
My back-story: My step-dad used to repeatedly molest me and somehow, I distinctly remember, telling my mom one day, "I don't like the way daddy touches me." The intensity of her response was on the same level as if I had asked, "What's for dinner?" She replied, "I'll talk to him." The abuse continued after that until one day when he was chasing me around the house, which was like a "game" for him and totally terrifying for me, I just completely snapped and stood up to him, screaming at the top of my lungs, "I hate you! I hate you!" (To this day if someone triggers me really bad, I will sometimes yell, "I hate you!" because that is what stopped the abuse as a kid. He stopped and even apologized to me later that day and admitted that what he had been doing was wrong!
I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. Talking about stuff resurfaced the memory of being molested repeatedly. I said to my mom, "Do you remember when I told you about how he would touch me?" I don't remember how I worded the question exactly but she responded, almost exact words "I thought you meant you didn't like him tickling you because you were getting older." (Tickling was a way he groomed me to be molested.) I don't remember all of the other details of the conversation but I have a memory of understanding that she was aware that I was molested.
My mom and I are very close. She knows that I have PTSD. I have told her that I have never had an orgasm due to the abuse from childhood. I'm so certain that she knows I was molested but her actions make me question myself. There were times after my mom and step dad separated, and after I presume she knew he molested me that she spent time with him. I think she even slept with him. How could you do that with someone who molested your daughter??? As an adult, she had triggered me by casually mentioning me that she took him to church with her. I told her that it upset me that she would bring it up so casually as he is the one who abused me! Again, I don't remember exact words but I double guess myself because I can't fathom that she understands what she is doing. Why would someone, who I know loves me, want to spend time with someone who molested me as child?
A couple years ago, he died of some mysterious cause that his family wouldn't disclose. He was in his 50s. I suspect suicide or drugs. Hearing of his death was a shock and tough to deal with. At the same time, the world feels safer to me now. Upon hearing of his death, my mother wrote a blurb about him on Facebook, saying these nice things about him being an animal lover and sharing memories they had. When I saw it, it triggered me into a flashback. I immediately wrote her and asked that she take it down. I figured she's not always active on FB so I then called her. Somehow during the conversation I just started screaming at the top of my lungs, threw my phone, and other things, and then just laid on the ground screaming and crying hysterically. This went on for I don't know how many minutes. Somehow I eventually calmed down and realized I threw the phone while my mother was on the line. I searched for my phone and finally found it under a piece of furniture. My mom had stayed on the line and listened through the whole thing. Her response when I picked up the phone was a very calm, "I'm so glad you got that all out."
My question is: Has anyone else experience something where they went to a trusted, close caregiver for help and they did nothing? Are you still close with them? Have you ever talked to them about it?
Also, because of this experience I get triggered whenever a person in authority or in a care-giving role does not fulfill their obligation. Right now I am dealing with bad experiences with doctors and it is a barrier to me getting medical treatment. But I will talk more on this later.
How do you deal with that secondary trauma of a trusted person not helping? It's tricky because it was not a specific event that I can say, "I remember when that happened!" I don't remember a point in my childhood mind where I said, "Damn! My mom didn't help me." It was all subconscious I guess. It makes it trickier for making sense of triggers. I get really angry when I experience this trigger but I don't ever remember consciously being angry at my mom as a kid.
