My Mum Has Cancer

[0722]

I found out 24 hours ago, I feel like I'm gonna never cope with it, I was diagnosed with traumatic stress 2 years ago because I have had a few very abusive relationships, I was slowly getting better, then I found out my mum has cancer. I'm only 25, I'm a single mother to my daughter, I'm scared for the future, I feel like I'm living a bad dream, I'm constantly crying, I feel like my crying is never gonna end, I know it's only been 24 hours but it's how I feel right now. I'm scared of the emotional pain I'm gonna have to face, seeing her hair fall out, seeing her weak, I feel like screaming cos I don't wanna face that stuff, I won't be able to face it if the cancer beats her. My parents broke up 13 years ago cos my dad cheated, and my mum told me not to tell my dad, which is fair enough but how am I meant to act so happy in front of him? I currently have a boyfriend of 10 months and he has been a great support, his mum had cancer about 7 years ago so he understands what I'm about to go through.

 

[Casey_03]

I still remember the day I found out my mom had cancer. It knocked the wind right out of me, took me a long time to process. It's hard for me to write about this, and harder still to offer any helpful advice.

But I will tell you that she probably needs you to be strong for her, to put on a brave face, and to have an excellent sense of humor to help her cope. The hardest part is not being able to help her with the fears she is inevitably having. It's an incredibly solitary battle, and while you can be by her side through all of it, she will still be dealing with it alone. I know that is depressing, but it's something I wish I had been told when my mom had cancer.

Cancer is terrifying. It's beyond terrifying. There aren't even any words. But plenty of people fight it and survive it. Just be there for her and help take her mind off of it as much as possible. And don't take it personally if she needs alone time or if she seems irritable. Whatever you are feeling -- she's feeling times a million. So she may have mood swings, she may not seem like herself. But you can still be there for her and make her laugh as much as possible.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm sorry to hear! :hug:

My mom died of colon cancer in July 23rd. She was one of my main abusers so one would think it would be different. I know I did. But it wasn't. Not really. It didn't hit me as hard I don't think but the grief, inside, was similiar. But I suppose still different.

So many beat cancer. The medicine today is so good and many, MANY, stories of those beating it so stay positive. But at the same time I would say don't feel you must be strong for her and ignore your own feelings and emotions. Laugh together and cry together. Be there for her to talk to and vent to and laugh with and cry with.

Ask her what she needs. Make that a common question as those needs change frequently. That's what I would do and would want someone to do for me.

We are here for you to talk you and support you through this hard time! :hug:

 

[0722]

She was one of my main abusers so one would think it would be different.

I hate myself to say this but I think my mum is partly the reason why I suffer with PTSD, I struggled with my emotions when I was a teenager, I wasn't one for drinking, smoking, drugs, staying out late, but no one accepted my emotions, I wasn't the best teenager, I was the one who of scream and shout to get my point across, but not once did my mum sit down with me and actually accept how I felt, she would say things like "but you shouldn't be feeling like that, it's silly to feel that" etc, if my mum sat me down instead of emotionally abusing me and neglecting me sometimes, then I may of been different and felt like someone cared. My dad was the one who cheated, but my mum is the one who affected mine and my dads relationship. I was only 11 and because he did the wrong and cheated I automatically had the idea he was always wrong, so when my mum would say things about my dad, I automatically believed them instead of thinking there's 2 sides to each story. Cheating isn't nice at all, but now I am older I've realised cheating isn't the worst thing to happen in a relationship. I remember when I was 11 my mum said "I threatened your dad to smash a big vase around his head cos of what's happened" I look back and think it was bang out of order to say that to an 11 year old, I would never say anything bad about my daughter's father to my daughter, he isn't in her life and hasn't been since she was 11 weeks old. My late Nan told me she nearly killed him, she told me this when I was 20/21, I remember thinking to myself all he has done is cheat, my dad never abused my mum, all he did was cheat.

It's only been 2 days and already my mum is bringing up the past saying I've given her shit. She promised to let me know yesterday as soon as she got home because she wasn't in the best state, and she didn't, it was 6 hours so I went round to see how she was cos she wasn't answering her phone. I didn't get an apology, I got the whole "how dare you come round instead of assuming I would of been busy, don't you dare do it again, I can't be dealing with your shit, I have cancer so I can't text you", I was gob smacked, all I did was make sure she was okay, it doesn't take much to send a text, cos she promised, she doesn't see I was caring. My other half told me it's because her emotions are all over the place because of cancer, but she's done this before lots of times before finding out about cancer.

I'm sorry if anyone thinks I'm wrong for doing that, and if I knew the outcome I wouldn't of gone round, I don't know what to do, I just wanna run away, I'm gonna speak to my daughter's nursery for support tomorrow because I can't cope.

I'm sorry, I've had a bad morning, I needed to let my emotions out.

 

[Panorama]

but not once did my mum sit down with me and actually accept how I felt, she would say things like "but you shouldn't be feeling like that, it's silly to feel that"

I know this too ... I was always wrong, when I was different. She couldn't accept that I missed my father. If I would love her, I would hate him. ... Yesterday I read about gaslighting ... it is a method to make people doubt themselves. If someone constantly tells you, that you are wrong when you are a child, it somehow plants doubt, even if you decide, not to say anymore, what you really think or feel. I didn't know how else to protect my difference

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My mom used to talk bad about my dad too. She is the one that cheated with whom later became my step dad and whom brought in the cult. My mom would punish me for being my dad's daughter. I couldn't call him dad and if I did, referencing him, I'd get punished.

He also was verbally and emotionally abusive and physically absent whom missed a shit ton of red flags. I was being sold sexually and made to make child porn under his nose.

When I was 19 and was out of the cult and grips of them (I moved out at 18 but they still controled me and had their grips on me until I was 19), my half sister helped me reunite with my dad whom hadn't seen me since he left when I was 12. I was isolated from him and my entire family. But I thought all these bad things about him from my mom and how he was abusive when I was little. It took a very long time to rebuild that relationship. Its ok relationship now but it took a long while.

I still carry a ton of anger that he missed so many red flags and have yet to forgive him for that but I would say that today its an ok relationship. It weakened a lot when my mom was dying and he said that she was a "child of god" now and no longer an abuser and no longer responsible for what she did to me and that I was wrong and evil hearted for not wanting to see her. That really made a huge hit to our relationship and he also minimizes everything in my past to make it not abuse in his head. Invaildates me at every turn and doesn't believe me about most of it as thats not how he remembers my mom so its a strained relationship but still we have a relationship and compared to at age 19, its a pretty ok-ish one.

but she's done this before lots of times before finding out about cancer.

Correct. Don't make excuses for behavior. Thats a huge thing I am trying to drill into my step mom's head. They went to live with one of my half sister's for 2 months and was basically abused (and my dad is 75 though still has a sound mind but still elderly) and they are trying think of reasons for it. No, there is no excuse for behavior. We are all responsible for our own behavior no matter what happened to us in the past.

So don't try to listen to excuses. That was abusive of her and I would have said back "well, I am sorry that I just wanted to make sure you were ok and actually caring about you. I won't bother you will text messages again" and then leave her be. She doesn't want your help or support or only wants you for help and never wants to speak to you unless she wants something, that would be a boundry i'd lay right there. What you will and will not allow in your life. You will not allow her to be abusive in any way. It is a pattern from the past so its not just because she has cancer.

For me, I'd rethink this whole 'be there to support her' thing if she cannot not be abusive to you. I understand emotions being everywhere and if it were not herself, ok, but it is herself.

I'm sorry she did that! I know that hurts! :hug:

 

[Rumors]

I hate myself to say this but I think my mum is partly the reason why I suffer with PTSD, I struggled with...

Try to garner your support from others right now. Don't have expectations from your mom for emotional support or being able to follow through. Don't take it personally either. She likely is all over the place right now and is very scared. Remember that when she messes up...it has nothing to do with you but more her emotional state at the moment.
If you don't mind me asking, what type of cancer does she have?

 

[0722]

If you don't mind me asking, what type of cancer does she have?

She had her biopsy today, so need to wait 2 weeks for the results, the only thing I do know for definite is that she will need her overies and womb removed. I'm not sure about anything else yet. The strange thing is the fluid built up covering one of her lungs so I assumed it would be her lungs, I will find out more soon, I will post when I do find out.

I spoke to my daughter's nursery today, they were so supportive, but when I spoke to both of my support workers, they weren't any help whatsoever, so I think I will stick to my daughter's nursery for someone to talk to, rather than my support workers.

 

[Rumors]

Sounds like ovarian cancer. It's common place to spread is in the lung around the plural sac. Very sorry... Please feel free to talk all you want here... Sending you love and support.
They do what is called a CA125 count. It is what they call a tumor marker for ovarian cancer. Typically ovarian cancer that has spread to the lung and other areas is treated with chemotherapy. Surgical removal is not always recommended but is on a case by case level. I certainly hope your mom does well. Take care of yourself in all of this too....

 

[0722]

I saw her Tuesday, the day after her biopsy, my mum didn't know this and nor did I to be fair, but apparently humans have two bowels, and the surgeon on Monday detected cancer in one of them, my mum can't remember which one it was. No one knows really much more until the results.

My mum hasn't been that great towards me, so I'm keeping my distance in my head, I told her about the support workers not being supportive and she said "yeah doesn't matter" and went on about her feelings instead. One of my mums friends turned up when I was there Tuesday and I noticed my mum was comforting with her, but very blunt and not showing any comfort to me. My boyfriend and my daughter's nursery have been very supportive and so has one of my best friends who I met through having my daughter. It's so difficult, I don't want to get hurt by her taking it out on me. I don't live with her so I'm not with her all the time. The shock is slowly drifting now so I don't feel so tense. I'll be there for her if she wants to talk.