My Paranoia Is Ruining My Relationship

[Katy]

So something in my past has triggered me to be totally unable to sleep most nights because I'm too busy getting paranoid and worried that someone I love is going to get badly hurt at any time. For example, right now my (long-distance) boyfriend is on his way back home from something and he was texting me all the time he was on the train and he was with his friends, I assume he put his phone in his pocket to walk home from the station with them. But I can never help these feelings of paranoia... what if he gets hit by a car on his way? What if he gets murdered? What if he just dropped dead? Right now these thoughts are breaking me down completely. Most of the time it's completely stupid thoughts, like he'll have just gone to bed but I'll be still worrying that something bad will happen to him on his way to work in the morning.

At one point it got so bad that I was having a total mental breakdown at 4am, I had to ring him up just to hear his voice and be reassured he was ok. I'm so sickened with myself having to do that, I should be able to cope better and these thoughts are totally ridiculous, there's not much chance of anything bad happening to him. But I feel like being this close to him is like putting all my eggs in one basket. If I lose him, I lose everything. I couldn't face that. But it's like I'm facing it every time these thoughts come up, it's like I've already lost him...

Does anyone else get this? Do you know of a way to stop it?? It's ruining the brilliant relationship we have had for over a year...

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Katy - this is not an issue that I have, but I just wondered if you have a therapist? CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), could really benefit you, whereby you use logic and reasoning to replace negative thoughts with positive ones by cognitive restructuring. There are also some great CBT 'workbooks' available (try Amazon), which you can work through without a therapist. Even just reading about the concept of CBT, [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/wiki/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/[/DLMURL] will help you to determine whether you think it might help you. I know I was very sceptical about CBT, but it really can help.

 

[ronin47]

What worries me is the fact that you've placed your whole state of well being completely and entirely into this one person. That is not good for you, him, or your relationship. That's a lot of responsibility for your boyfriend to carry.

I would say find other things in life you can take enjoyment in and be passionate about. It doesn't have to "replace" your relationship, just supplement it. It can be something else that gives you happieness that you can have with you even when your boyfriend is not around. Perhaps a hobby like painting or cooking. Something that is aesthetically pleasing but requires some concentration so it can help you push out those intrusive thoughts of "what if?"

Fear is often powered by a false sense of control, a flawed perception that there is a way for us to control what goes on around us, but we are not doing it. Hate to break it to you, but you have zero control over your boyfriend, his enviornment, what he does, or what happens to him in his day to day life. So why worry about it then?

The only thing you can control is yourself. Trust me when I say, the more whole and happy you are on your own, the more you will have to contribute to your relationship with your boyfriend.

I also like cherryblossoms idea of CBT ;). It just comes down to taking some time out to be concerned for yourself and work on yourself rather than your boyfriend. Like I said, that's the only thing you have control over anyway, yourself.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi, I just realised your relationship is long distance. Not that it changes what I said about CBT, but also really agree with ronin. Find things to do for yourself, so you aren't so wrapped in thoughts about your b/f 24/7. Meet some girlfriends, have some fun, do a nightclass... I don't know, and I don't know you - but perhaps you are spending too much time worrying about him, and not enough time doing things for yourself.

 

[Katy]

Hi, thanks for the lovely replies, CBT sounds good :)

Thing is, I'm not thinking about him 24/7, it's just usually when I go to bed at night. Plus it's not just him I worry about, it's my family too. Most of the day I'm distracted because I'm a stupid and I have a lot of work to do in the evenings while going to lectures during the day and seeing some of my friends. It's just that as soon as I get on my own it starts to happen...

I do agree that I probably don't do enough for myself while I am on my own, perhaps I'll work on that first.

Oh yes, and I forgot to say, last year when I was given the task of walking my 9 year old brother home from school, I had to take him in a really roundabout route that would take another 10 minutes longer just because I hated crossing the busy road with him. It kept me up at night for hours worrying about what might happen to him if I did try and cross that one road with him. I think the things that keep me up at night are just whatever is occupying my mind at the time...

 

[Sleeplessly violent]

Is this triggered by anything? Have you lost loved ones unexpectedly? More importantly do you feel fear for them or fear of losing them?

Those teo things could make a huge difference.