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My Partner Is A Compulsive Liar And I Think Tricked Me Into Falling Pregnant

  • Post starter Post starter Capaka
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Capaka

My partner is a compulsive liar and even after being caught out he will continue to lie. The lies range from small to large. Smaller examples are things like claiming he as been a character in a TV show or a male model. Serious lies include pretending that family members have died to get out of going to work. He has even made a number of false insurance claims. He lies every day, sometimes it is for his own gain but usually it's for no particular reason other than to make himself sound smarter or cooler. His lies are extreme. He missed 6 months of work by making up a different lie every week. They eventually fired him and he tired to sue them for unfair dismissal!! He is not a violent person but I find his lying scarey as he obviously has no remorse for his actions. I'm not sure if its a dangerous trait or not? Can he stop lying with the right kind of help?

I've been in the relationship for a few years and I'm really unhappy. When my partner and I met I was in a really bad place. Having left a violent relationship and also just been diagnosed with PTSD. I didn't tell him any of this. We were really just dating at first. I quickly realised that I didn't want a relationship with him but i'm not very good at communicating or expressing feelings and before I knew it he was moving into my house. We had only been seeing each other for a couple of months at this stage.

One of the things I told him very clearly from the beginning was that I could never have anymore children. I felt that this was crucial for my mental and physical well being. It was also about safety as I was still in danger from my previous partner. I didnt explain these reasons to him but I made it clear that having children was never going to be an option with me. He was very adamant that he wanted children. It wasn't fair for either of us to compromise on this so I broke it off. It was not the only reason I broke up with him, part of it was that I didn't feel attracted to him and I was not ready for any kind of change in my life especially a serious relationship.

That would have been a nice and tidy ending except just after I broke up with him I discovered I was pregnant. It was a huge shock and emotionally I just fell apart for a while. We had always used contraception, that was the one thing I demanded. Considering I've never demanded anything else in my life it was a big deal. He would often try to convince me not to use protection but I always stood my ground. I know that condoms don't offer 100% protection all the time but at the faulty party was him not the condom. Later I found out that he had 5 other pregnancies with 2 different ladies which had all apparently been "accidents".

What I'm saying is that I believe he got me pregnant on purpose. This makes me feel so badly betrayed and used. I feel like he just saw me as a human carrier for his baby, that he didn't care about the consequences for me and my other children. I feel trapped into something that I didn't ask for and I feel exhausted. I had just climbed alone, in the dark, out of the pit of misery that was my life and had worked so hard to improve our circumstance and it was really hard. I wasn't stable enough for any major life changes. Despite all this I am madly in love our child and do not regret the child at all, only the circumstances. My partner is a really great Dad.

How can I discuss how I feel about this with him, without him lying about it. Will I ever know the truth?
 
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Unfortunately there's not much you can do with a compulsive liar. Are you in a position to be able to leave him?
 
It won't be deleted, no. If there's more to the post then just identify yourself as the OP and write it as a comment.
 
I know that condoms don't offer 100% protection all the time but at the faulty party was him not the condom.

Meant to write "at the time I suspected that the faulty party was him, not the condom"
 
So he lies 24/7 yet you thought you could trust him when it comes to sex?

To answer your question, there is no way to discuss something with a compulsive liar and know that they're telling the truth, and no, you will never know the truth because even if he does tell you, he's already proven to be a liar who's word can't be trusted.

I feel like we're being punked here b/c the circumstances are just so outrageous and you're telling us he's a great dad yet lies about everything and commits fraud, which is illegal. Sorry, but this doesn't make him a "great dad"

And after all the crazy things he's done, you are still with him as you say he's your partner, not your ex.

I don't understand how you can not know whether or not this is a dangerous trait (yes, it is, he is doing illegal things!)

Can he stop lying? Maybe, but I doubt he will.
 
@Capaka,
Can I suggest that you run through the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. A "normal" human adult will score about 3 to 5. a full blown psychopath is over 30 (in Scotland it can be as low as 27 - bad behaviour with alcohol is almost a given there). Note that psychopathy does not necessarily imply either violence or killing people, however anyone with signifficant psychopathic traits, is not a good person to have around either you or a child. Also look up the term "gaslighting".

Incidentally, although psychopathy might have a genetic componant, it requires at least two other factors to be present. I know a normal decent human who has a genetically identical twin who is a full blown psychopath (the guy I know has a high level of psych training - he is fully qualified to diagnose), so identical genetic make up and identical upbringing were not sufficeint to result in psychopathy for both of the twins. A parent with psychopathic traits does not necessarily imply that your child will grow up to be a psychopath.
 
So he lies 24/7 yet you thought you could trust him when it comes to sex?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I guess my post wasn't clear so I'll clarify..
I had only been in the relationship for a few months when we started having sex. If I had have known this was such a problem I probably wouldn't have trusted him. But since most people aren't compulsive liars I don't go around suspecting anyone of lying without good reason. Gradually I figured it out when little things didn't add up. He doesn't seem to feel any shame or guilt when lying so it's impossible to tell the difference between when he is lying and telling the truth. Alarm bells started going right off when I discovered I was pregnant.

By "He is a good Dad", I mean he is a loving and caring father and a compulsive liar. I wasn't defending him just offering a fuller picture of his character.
 
@Efah
I wouldn't describe his lying as vindictive at all. I don't think that he gets any pleasure from seeing the harm he causes others although he does enjoy what he gains from it (eg. a new car or baby). Its almost like he lacks the ability to see just how wrong it is. He doesn't seem to have any judgment when it comes to morals and I've noticed that he is easily influenced by others opinions as well.
One of his parents is also a compulsive liar too. He has 3 siblings, none of them have a problem with lying.
 
How can I discuss how I feel about this with him, without him lying about it. Will I ever know the truth?
You can't. He's apparently not capable of not lying. He doesn't need a reason to lie, he needs a reason not to and he doesn't have one. At this point "the truth" doesn't matter much. The farther away from people like him (including him!) you and your children can stay, the better. You'll never be able to believe a thing he says without independent confirmation of the facts. WAY more trouble than it's worth IMO.
 
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