My Perfectionism

[dougyhowzer]

So I met with my counsellor recently and we talked about one of my siblings . I told him how he would get so hard on me because I couldidnt live up to his standards .

This is a very common trait in the dysfunctional family I was raised in .

My biological mother would be hard on me , my late sister and my half brother as well .

As a result my half brother and biological mother would be so hard on all my siblings and me as well .

In the last 6 years , I have adopted that trait by not only being hard on myself but also setting double standards of myself because they were imposed on me as well .

I won't go into details of some of these past events .

My goal for myself is to be able to set goals that I am able to meet and also not to be hard on myself . It will take time for change , but I know that with the love and the support of my chosen family and counsellor , I will be able to do this and be proud of my efforts in the process .

Feel free to share your thoughts on this topic .

 

[Sideways]

Oh man!

Dad: one of the country's leading brain injury doctors. Mum: PhD in law. Older brother: PhD & successful marriage with 3 kids. Oldest sister: Masters in IT & successful marriage with 2 kids.

I used to be a lawyer at a primo firm. Then I got sick. For the last few months, I've been trying to come to terms with the idea that if I ever am able to work again, it's probably going to be a part time gig mowing lawns & clipping hedges. My brain can still do law, but I can't, & I know I'd rather do something than nothing.

It's not an easy pill to swallow. On top of all the other stuff I've gotta get through to reach the nirvana of 'recovery', accepting that I spent more than 10 years studying & working my @rse off to build a great career for myself and now have to let that go, along with all the standards me & my family have always had for me - not easy. Not easy at all. Feels like I'm paying a very high price for being abused. Gotta just keep telling myself that my well-being will be worth it in the end.

And hey, I'm good with plants. Better with plants than people these days. And however the rest of the world decides my value, as long as I can be okay with me, that's what counts.

 

[Chimera]

Plants, food are my havens...

 

[Ronin]

Personally I make compassion in many forms a goal.

And not sticking to schedules. Sticking to schedules fuels a lot of obsessiveness, perfectionism, downright self loathing for not doing well enough, so rephrasing needed achievements as something else.

It's not something I need to do, it's something I'll do because I'm awesome and because I can do better and know it, also because it's a piece of cake kind of thing, or it isn't that important and what I'm doing for my & others well being is more important thing to do.

 

[dougyhowzer]

i sometimes can't help but wonder if I am setting myself with impossible standards as a means of performance to earn which I can't obtain , and that is love .

For my dysfunctional family , one of my theories regarding double standards with them is perhaps they do this because they want me to think they are perfect and I am not .

Another theory is perhaps they set these impossible standards on me just so that when I am unable to they can feel good about themselves and boast how they think they are better than me .

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This is also a HUGE issue for me. If I dont do something right, perfect, do it wrong, make someone upset etc then im "bad", "horrible", "worthless" etc.

So my therapist and I started to make VERY small and achieveable goals. Id work hard and meet or exceed it, then id get a huge 'atta girl' and praise from my therapist (better than no one) and then on to the next, then the next until i wasnt making huge goals that would never be able to be reached.

Can i be kind to myself now? Not really. Do I even like myself now? No! But it taught me that I can achieve something, sorta got me moving in therapy instead of just crossing my arms and saying "they" were right & justified, and i was wrong and "bad" and thats just how it is...oh and i have compassion for them...which is why Stolkholm was brought up early in therapy. I would downright scream at my therapist for like ever if he said something like "they were wrong to do that to you", or the word i so hate "that was horrible".

I still dont leave room for human error but im a work in what seems to be forever process....

 

[Sideways]

From your posts, it sounds like there's 2 seperate issues here: the standards your family has for you, and the standards you have for yourself. If that's what's going on, try and keep those issues separate in your mind.

With regard to your family, my personal experience is that people set high standards for me when they have a combination of lack of understanding and a big dose of denial (of my situation) going on, and it's rarely more complex or malicious than that. But whatever it is, it doesn't actually have to effect me what other people think I should or shouldn't be capable of. I can let that go - their issue, not mine.

With regard to the second, your own standards for yourself are way more important, and for me, it's all about acceptance. Acceptance of my situation, my illness, my trauma, and my personal capabilities (which have changed over time) are key to being able to set reasonable standards for myself. Unhealthy, unhelpful or unrealistic standards for myself are just another means for me to hate myself, and I hate myself enough without adding impossible standards to the mix.