Theresa1122
Bronze Member
I have so much love to give and I give it freely. I know I'm smart, I'm loving, I'm kind, I have a good heart. The thing is, I can't give the love, care, and comfort to myself because I don't feel like I deserve it and nobody else treats me like I do either. Everyone around me wants to look past my trauma, to tell me to move on, to say that it's over and I'm lucky to be alive and I'm normal. I pretend to be happy for them all because when I've tried to talk about it, they just don't understand. My late husband's family blames me outright for his death - putting ads in the newspaper every year and even calling me a liar and a murderer online.
My family tells me to ignore it and move in. I hear things from them like "It's in the past", "you've healed", "this last surgery has really helped, huh?", "you have a great boyfriend". They don't want to face the fact that there's something wrong with me (my Mom's family is a bit vain and doesn't want to think of anything being wrong with anyone in our family and my Dad wants me to "just get over it and move on").
I'm tired.....just plain and flat out tired! I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I'm tired of trying to explain my physical and mental pain and having everyone just poo-poo it and sweep it under the rug. I just want to give up because I don't care any more.
What saves me? My dog and my cat. I know that nobody would take them if something happened to me and they would suffer by trying to be adopted or by my boyfriend just "getting rid of them", as he's not a pet lover and it wouldn't be anything to him to dig a hole and put them in it.
We're in the process of buying a house and I've told my boyfriend that I want an African Grey Parrot. I want this for a few reasons. First, I had one years ago that I couldn't take care of at that point in my life and they are great to have - they are very smart and would be able to talk back to me (they reach the intelligence level of a 5 year old child, so they can actually carry on conversations). Also, they live a long time and I'm grasping at straws to save my own life. I know my dog and cat will not outlive me, but an African Grey has a very long life span and would definitely outlive my normal life span. I know my parents, my daughters, my boyfriend, and my family would be hurt if I wasn't here anymore, but they would be able to move on.
My late husband's suicide is still very painful to me and don't want to put my family through that, but a lot of that is also that he tried to take me with him, that I had to see him do it, that I still have physical pain because he tried to kill me first, and that his family still blames me. My family wouldn't have to go through those things. Just bury me and move on.
It doesn't help that the weather is getting colder and I've moved back home, so I have more physical pain in the cold weather and I have more mental triggers living back here. I moved away for 4-1/2 years and it was a little easier, but now I'm back because that's what everybody else wanted and it was also financially necessary.
For now, I hold my cat and I pet my dog and cuddle with them until they save my life every day. I'm hurt and angry and sad and just plain pathetic. I'm sorry for venting like this, but I really needed to get this out. Thank you for listening.
My family tells me to ignore it and move in. I hear things from them like "It's in the past", "you've healed", "this last surgery has really helped, huh?", "you have a great boyfriend". They don't want to face the fact that there's something wrong with me (my Mom's family is a bit vain and doesn't want to think of anything being wrong with anyone in our family and my Dad wants me to "just get over it and move on").
I'm tired.....just plain and flat out tired! I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I'm tired of trying to explain my physical and mental pain and having everyone just poo-poo it and sweep it under the rug. I just want to give up because I don't care any more.
What saves me? My dog and my cat. I know that nobody would take them if something happened to me and they would suffer by trying to be adopted or by my boyfriend just "getting rid of them", as he's not a pet lover and it wouldn't be anything to him to dig a hole and put them in it.
We're in the process of buying a house and I've told my boyfriend that I want an African Grey Parrot. I want this for a few reasons. First, I had one years ago that I couldn't take care of at that point in my life and they are great to have - they are very smart and would be able to talk back to me (they reach the intelligence level of a 5 year old child, so they can actually carry on conversations). Also, they live a long time and I'm grasping at straws to save my own life. I know my dog and cat will not outlive me, but an African Grey has a very long life span and would definitely outlive my normal life span. I know my parents, my daughters, my boyfriend, and my family would be hurt if I wasn't here anymore, but they would be able to move on.
My late husband's suicide is still very painful to me and don't want to put my family through that, but a lot of that is also that he tried to take me with him, that I had to see him do it, that I still have physical pain because he tried to kill me first, and that his family still blames me. My family wouldn't have to go through those things. Just bury me and move on.
It doesn't help that the weather is getting colder and I've moved back home, so I have more physical pain in the cold weather and I have more mental triggers living back here. I moved away for 4-1/2 years and it was a little easier, but now I'm back because that's what everybody else wanted and it was also financially necessary.
For now, I hold my cat and I pet my dog and cuddle with them until they save my life every day. I'm hurt and angry and sad and just plain pathetic. I'm sorry for venting like this, but I really needed to get this out. Thank you for listening.
