Sufferer My Ptsd

[intothelight]

@BeyondRepair Welcome to the forum!

Journaling is great and there are sections in this forum under Trauma Diaries where you can start your own journal. I hope you find this site beneficial to your recovery.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

Thanks @intothelight , all of the time for the past 14 years I have been walking the lonely road, although times I got people with me like in the workplace (which was terrible for me with all the people due to my PTSD), I cannot connect with anyone, including my wife's side of the family.

EDIT Insert: I pretend to be with them and its terrible. Its like a sad face wearing a happy face mask, and I got to do this everyday, on top of that I have to struggle with my PTSD triggers, at times when I write, talk to my wife, or myself, I always say I have no idea how did I survive the past more than a decade.

So to be with people who are suffering from the same thing and knowing that they understand, it helps.

Thanks for the warm welcome.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@BeyondRepair

Just reading your story, though it's so different from mine, I see soany of the feelings that come to me as well. Congratulations on the work you have been doing for your recovery and welcome to the forums :hug:s

Hyper-vigiliance is also a problem I have, and being in the outside word is extremely tiring for me as well. I get to panic attacks if people are behind me, and I'm always in the corner or something. Depression gets quiye awful also.

I get how you feel, so sending you :hug:s and good luck in recovery!

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

Hyper-vigiliance is also a problem I have, and being in the outside word is extremely tiring for me as well. I get to panic attacks if people are behind me, and I'm always in the corner or something. Depression gets quiye awful also

Thanks Otakujome for the :hug:, it's really good feeling to have someone who understands.

Same here, i get very nervous when people are behind me, in restaurants, or in the office setting where as long as my back is not against the wall. Even if so, the startle responses will also wreck me. So thats why I'm holed up at home now, since November.

Depression is real bad, so lets all not get it, PTSD + Depression = Suicide, absolutely, i know it man.

And all the best to you too, hope you get better and better, although i don't know if i can get better.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@BeyondRepair

You still have quite a lot of power to live on, and you still have the will! You are definitely not beyond repair.

Yes, suicide can seem so nice often, been stopped by others or sometimes even by myself so many times.

You can surely get better, it just takes time, how many think they won't be able to do something at the beggining, but in the end push it through. You survived all the way to this point, a person that had the power to do all of that... You are amazing! Recovery will not be easy, but you are not beyond repair, you have quite the capability. :hug:

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

Yes I want to go out, but the "ambush" is killing me, and the assessment of every single person that i come across.
I don't know when it can be "turned off", sometimes i think its impossible. I still will try to live a meaningful life but I am like giving up on this aspect of PTSD. From curing it, it has become learning to "live with it". One doctor told me this once, I found it very discouraging but never did it occur to me i will say it myself.

Thanks for your encouragement @otakujome :hug:

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

2015-03-09 Chronicles of Pain

Physical Abuses I had endured
- Having my right thumb severed by my biological father, my right thumb is unable to bend and the stitches can be seen even after 35+ years
- Tied to the window and burnt with matchsticks by my biological mother, while my biological father and biological sister was watching
- Scalding hot water poured on my legs
- whippings which had me scars all over the body, they were told off harshly by my primary school teacher, after which they stopped, and used mental abuse instead

Mental Abuse
- Constantly devaluing my worth
- "Why can't you be like the other kids"
- Not speaking to me at all for my whole life, thats what my biological father did, never
- Discouraging me during my university entrance exams, "If you can pass i'd crawl like a dog"
- Killing my pets, smashing my pet fish until it died
- Over here we have a month long holiday when school finishes, during which I will stay at my granddad's place, I love it there, my grandpa and my grandma and my uncles they treated me better than my parents, EDIT (to add proper reference) :my biological parents told me to tell my grandpa they are treating me well, so at the end he will give alot of money to me and I will pass it to them at the end of the holidays, every year, for as long as I am in primary and high school.

Sexual Abuse
- every night for 15 over years as long as I am living with them, I would be afraid of the head that pops out of my room doorway, that's when they are coming
- every time I am showering she would be peeping, and I would be afraid, as in the older units, the bathroom have a gap on top, and a tiny gap beside when you can peep in

As I finish I look at the list and wondered how the fack can I manage to graduate from the university

I cried when I thought about my grandpa.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

2015-03-09 11:50 AM

It was sunny and bright awhile ago, and after my update above it began pouring with heavy rain.

Let me give thanks to somebody above, who must also be the reason why I am still alive after so many decades of walking and walking.
And as I am typing this, the downpour actually stopped.

Ok, now I should be, gaming, and reading up on my workouts and running, and also check the online stores for replicas.

 

[Nighthawk]

Hi welcome to the forum.

You may want to start a diary to continue your writing in.

 

[GoldenSnakeGentleman]

Thanks @Nighthawk I already did, its in the Trauma Diaries