Sexual Assault My rapist had a baby and i'm upset.

[CopperDeer]

Came across my rapist's facebook page today and saw that he had a baby in November of last year. I don't know why this is bothering me so much, as I can't identify any specific feeling or reason. I'm not upset with the baby or his girlfriend, but my chest feels very tight and I'm feeling SOMETHING I just don't know what it is.

I guess the possibilities are: I wish he was miserable and alone. I am jealous, because I want to be a mother more than anything and he doesn't deserve that baby. When we were dating he refused to wear condoms and he said "Well I never use them and no one's gotten pregnant before" and we had a pregnancy scare and somehow that ties in because now he has a baby.

But at the same time I feel like a fool for even having a reaction at all. Plus, he's obviously moved on from me and I'm still dwelling on all the horrible things and then letting something like this get to me. Am I being unreasonable? How do I deal with this?

 

[EveHarrington]

Why are you looking on your rapists Facebook page?

You are needlessly heightening your emotions.

I really don’t get why people go look up their ex’s, their abusers, their rapists, and anyone else who has done them wrong.

Are you really thinking that you’ll find stuff that is bad about them and will make you happy?

I hate to break it to you, but social media doesn’t work that way.

Stay away from his social media accounts.

Knowing about the wonderful things that happen in his life will do you no good.

 

[CopperDeer]

Regardless, I looked and now have to deal with it - that's what I'm trying to do. It popped up in the people you may know and I couldn't help myself, it's not like I was actively searching for his name.

 

[Friday]

But at the same time I feel like a fool for even having a reaction at all. Plus, he's obviously moved on from me and I'm still dwelling on all the horrible things and then letting something like this get to me. Am I being unreasonable? How do I deal with this?

Unreasonable? I don’t think so.

I periodically want to throttle people who say “The best revenge is living a great life,”. Mostly because I largely believe it to be true, from personal experience. It’s a helluva lot easier to distance myself from the past when I am deeply and profoundly in love with the life I’m living. It’s damn hard when I’m miserable, and my life is completely f*cked sideways.

Jealousy, rage, unrequited vengeance, and all sorts of fun-fun emotions pile onto an already volatile mess, and it just makes it that much harder. Which is another thing to be upset about... time wasted. :banghead:

 

[Cactus Bloom]

I’m sorry you are questioning your thoughts and feelings about this. There isn’t a right or wrong way for you to feel. A couple years ago, for some silly reason, my sister texted me that the guy who had raped me over 20 years ago had just lost his and his wife’s 9 year old daughter to a freak accident where she was feeding their horses and got kicked in the head and died. I cried for the loss of that little girl and couldn’t imagine what pain that family was going through. Not once did I ever think he got what he deserved. I didn’t even know he actually married the girl he was in a relationship with when he raped me or had a family because I haven’t thought about him. But, after my sister told me that I was actively observing the thoughts that started coming. The interesting (for myself anyway) thing kept coming up most and was a little confusing was the fact that this guy has a family and has suffered a devastating loss and it made him real. The things he took away from me is still in the “unreal” category of whatever I am and that part in my past so that’s why it was “interesting” to me.

I definitely understand how you wasn’t actively searching out for his Facebook page and heck, you’re human and curious. I do a pretty good job of torturing myself and that includes telling myself to stay away from this website but darn it! Don’t be so hard on yourself if you can.

 

[EveHarrington]

Uhm, block him?

 

[Swift]

I don't think your reaction is unreasonable.
It took me ages to figure out what was upsetting me when good stuff happened for my abuser, but I'll share what I've learnt, if that helps.
I've had a lot of trouble getting over my abuser/ex/rapist/whatever (yeah, weird sentence to write, but bear with me.)
One of the things my first T said was this:
The opposite of love isn't hatred, it's complete and total indifference.
Like, it kills me to know she's out there living it up and giving absolutely zero care about what she did to me, and I'm here battling to survive the after-effects.
I imagine it feels similar, that he's out there, with something you desperately, desperately want, despite what he did, and he absolutely doesn't care about you or what he did to you.
To me it feels really unjust and unfair and I'm mad as a banshee about the fact she's gotten off scot-free and is living a life I'd like to have. It's... jealousy, mixed with a little bit of rage against the machine.
(And, I wouldn't judge you even if you were actively searching for him. Triggers to me are like a car crash - I don't want to look, but I can't look away.)

 

[littleoc]

Try to remember that Facebook shows only the very positive or very negative.

He’s not going to mention if he’s treating his wife the way he treated you, for example.

Are you worried for the baby, by any chance..? Not to put thoughts in your head, so just ignore this part if not

I have actively searched for my kidnapper before. I couldn’t tell you why... didn’t find him. I don’t know why I did that, but Facebook does shove people in your face and it can get harder. My dad’s posts got emailed to me AFTER I blocked his posts, by Facebook itself, so I get it.

Wishing you well

 

[Deleted member 487]

He is doing well because he is a predator. Predators can sense who makes a good victim versus who will make life miserable for them. He picked you for that reason. It's not your fault, it just is what it is. So he, being what I call an ultra-alpha male, can move ahead. It's in his persona, it's in his ability to do the evil that he does.

Quit paying any attention to him and concentrate on yourself. Make yourself better, heal yourself so that his kind of scum no longer sees you as game. It's gonna be hard, but if you don't do it you're gonna have a lonely and miserable life focused on how he is doing and you will not be focused on you.

Go into your FB settings and put him on ignore. You should have already long ago, but you didn't. So do it now. Do it now and consider it your first step into making you and your life better and far more enjoyable.

 

[Scarlet13]

So you dont know how is life is really going.
He sounds like a jerk to me with the rape and refusing to wear a condom. He is prob a jerk with her too.
Maybe he will end up alone after all.
You are projecting your own maternal yearnings onto them in terms of jealousy/resentment.
They could be completely miserable and struggling with that baby. Fb wont show this.
Try to sort out your maternal feelings with the rape feelings.
You will get pregnant and you are in a great place because you are ready for this!
Btw I totally get the temptation to click on a person but it is not healthy to do so.
It isn't good self care.

 

[Deleted member 487]

NO! It is not "good self-care" at all! It's HORRIBLE self-inflicted punishment! Copper Deer, stop it, at all costs! You have been hurt by a very sick and cruel man. Now you are giving him space in your mind/life to keep inflicting this on you, punishing you. You never deserved any such punishment. Quit it! Stop it! NOW!!!!!

 

[User88]

I totally understand. I am in a similar situation, I’m still in contact with the guy who raped me, which is probably even worse than just checking up on him through social media etc.
I guess it’s best to follow the advice above, social media only shows the surface, you don’t know what his life is really like etc. I understand it’s easier said than done though :(