My Relationship Is Decaying Because Of My Ptsd And Stress

[ErikKristain]

Hi Everyone, I am really struggling with my PTSD and stress levels. It has been an issue for 16 years of my life. I have been with a wonderful girl for the past two years and we are currently expecting our first child together, however, I am destroying any chance of being in her life due to my PTSD. When we argue and I feel stressed or upset I tell her I'm breaking up with her and I don't want anything to do with her. I truly do not want that, I just feel better when I run from the situation. I also tell her that I am going to commit suicide because I feel so alone. What she doesn't know is that I just want support and I want that support because she wants to give it, I don't want to tell her to support me. We have a baby on the way and I am finally ready to deal with everything so I can have a healthy and safe relationship/family.

Does what I just posted happen often? Does anyone have the same experiences?

 

[Sftbll2003]

My boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend now, suffers from PTSD and he broke up with me and will not talk to me at all. I have read a lot of articles that suggest therapy, for you individually and for you and your girlfriend together. When my boyfriend broke up with he told me to leave him alone, he is done! I know that all he is doing is running instead of facing the problem because everything was close to perfect but the minute he got stressed out he broke up with me. I haven't talked to him in almost a month. Just as you said, you tell her that you are going to break up with her...Have you ever done that, or have you just said it? I felt as though my boyfriend didn't mean what he said because everything was perfect but the first time he got stressed out he broke up with me, and he hasn't come back around yet. Do you think he meant it, or does he just need time? At least you are admitting that you get stressed out but you are also ready to face the problem! Once the baby gets here the stress will feel heavier so try to go ahead handle to situation.

 

[ErikKristain]

Your ex-boyfriend maybe needs some time. Coming from my opinion he is probably dealing with a lot. I think it would be good for you to give him the space he needs and to look forward to starting with a friendship.

I would always say it because I wanted to be loved. I wanted her to say "Please don't go, I love you" and every time she said that I would come back. She is getting torn apart by this and I can't do that to her anymore, it's beating our relationship down. We are actually taking a break right now and she said that once she see's that we are working on things, she will take me back. I want her in my life and I want to know what it is like to live actually loving and not just saying it.

 

[arfie]

Yes, I've done most of this. Sure am grateful for every time I have been able to substitute one of those reactive manipulations for a more clear and honest action. Don't think my marriage could have made it to 33 years without it.

Awareness is an all important first step and it sounds like you are well into that step. Keep it simple and steady.

 

[nursenurse]

Awareness paves the way to change. Are you in therapy at all? Saying something hurtful just to have the other person say what you want to hear is a bit manipulative and mean spirited towards the other person, even if what it isn't intended that way. I understand that you need the validation, that you are loved no matter what. That comes with trusting the other person. Perhaps some individual as well as couples therapy could give you some ideas as to how to manage those times when you tell her you want to break up, when you are really screaming for her to love you. There are only so many times she will take this, and don't forget you have a little one on the way who did not ask for this. I think you will do just fine in the father department, but you have a lot of work to do.

Insight is your friend. Don't put it upon her that you aren't good enough. Rather, focus on yourself on how you can become better. And get whatever outside help it will take for you to accomplish this.

 

[ErikKristain]

I really want therapy but I am a college student that cannot pay for the help. Is there anywhere that has sessions on a sliding scale?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@ErikKristain I do not know where you are but most college's, in the US, often counseling services for free. I would look into that.

 

[Mybirch12]

I think what you're experiencing is pretty common, though presents in different ways.

For me, I found the love of my life just 4 months after my trauma. What I didn't know was I was still in a shock state, and it took several more months to fall into a state of PTSD. There I was in a full fledged relationship and my new PTSD that I didn't understand, nor had a name for.

This has eroded our relationship for the past couple years! Last spring a therapist friend of mine who I opened up to told me I had PTSD, and would HAVE to deal with it, coincidentally my fiancée and I had a relationship altering discussion about my 'reactions' and 'responses' to her. I had had NO idea that I was constantly negative with her, I would sigh at every attempt to go out and 'do' something, I would get overwhelmed whenever she would suggest new ways to decorate our house or a project that would/should be FUN to do together!

Since then, I have found ways to curb this behavior. I recognize the joys we should be having in an intellectual way rather then emotional, but at least I can see that now.

She is VERY patient and supportive, and now finally I am seeking therapy and more support. I have found that a LOT of what I'm dealing with is being aware of the emotional detachment that often comes with PTSD sufferers and the and get as well as resentment that I feel I have lost my emotional self. (?)

Earlier this week we had a discussion where breaking up was on the table, it triggered me horribly and took several hours for me to recognize that I may need to be MORE proactive and attentive with her.

I think finding ways to curb your reactions and have a momentary 'time out' so you can get to the root of what's going on would maybe be helpful? This way you can react to your girlfriend in a more rationally thought out way? I also think that for anyone, the more open you really are, when you are ABLE to ask for the help you need, the happier your spouse is! Try to open up!!

Lastly, part of the erosion of my relationship had to do with lack of intimacy, which on my end stems from loss of libido. It makes me feel angry and horrified that I don't really pay attention to the needs of my partner. For a VERY long time she had NO idea what was wrong, which only made her feel more distant to me. I finally 'came out' TK her about this issue...her response was warm and thoughtful. Just being open made us closer, and we made decisions together about how to tackle the issue to satisfy us both.

I do hope you are able to work these things out and that my situation is of some help!

 

[Shannonstrong]

My wife just simply ignores me. Allows The isolation because she wants to do her own thing. I'm basically eroding because not only is dealing with the pain of ptsd taking is toll but the stress of wondering how someone can tell you they love you. Just sit back and watch it destroy you...6 months ago I felt like I had a better control and knew how to recognize my ptsd. Over the last week I have felt its wrath and even when I beg her. She always puts it back on me. Its my problem. I need too get my sh!t together etc...

 

[Justpassintime]

Hubby and just celebrated 23 years yesterday....we've been through it all and then some. We used to fight like cats and dogs and world wars. I'm not sure how it happened, but he has come to the point that I have no desire to be the way that I am. he realizes that I am in as much pain as he is at that point regardless of the fact I am the one who is causing his pain. His anger is directed at my now deceased ptsd orignator. Have you tried explaining, hey you know if I could be not like this, I would be? I know this may sound insulting and simple, but I used to "defend" my stance and my feelings and never really explained I had no control over it other then I had to be right about it.

The big downer for me in regard to what he goes through today is that he doesn't understand suicidal ideations and today admitted he feels like I'm one big episode away from death which I KNOW isn't true, but that's how he feels.

 

[Shannonstrong]

Justpassintime,

Yes, most of our arguing is about trying to explain how I am feeling..all I hear is get over it, I was there for 3 years after this started, you need to move on..etc. So that sends me into more deeper anxiety and anger towards her to the point I really do not think I do anything for the benefit of her anymore. I cannot get her to understand anything about it, not even the few things a supporter can do like show love. I used to never understand how someone could kill themselves until I was I started dealing with the emotions of PTSD. In the beginning I thought about it alot. Now I have my daughter and taking my own life isn't an option. Funny thing is my wife knows my feelings on it and there still nothing. I was told the other day by her that I allow the emotions to control my mind, because since she is such a positive person who thinks differently <<her words...she can never understand how something can control someone like this. So basically I have went to a survival mode where I am shutting her out, that way her opinion instead of hurting me I hope will not phase me eventually.

And Congrats on the 23 years of marriage to you and your husband.

 

[Justpassintime]

Well, trust and believe me when I tell you it's not been a picinic in the park - he and I both have done horrible things to each other (fights, accusations, behaviors, etc. but not violence). Age and maturity is part of it, well for us anyway. And for real? As many people have told me to leave him, I can't believe he's stuck with me this long.....We aren't perfect, but we are dam sight better then we used to be. Now having said all that, trust me when I tell you we are nothing special, if he and I can do this, so can you and yours if that's how things are meant to be (or you choose).

I don't want to finger point because I only have your viewpoint, BUT I am a die hard ridiculous optimist. I can find the good in anything. Really to the point that people sometimes want to slap me so I am calling bull on that - if that was true, she could find things that are good in this whole life experience thing you have for both of you and she's not.

I don't know that you can make people understand well normal people if you know what I mean. I am even more hampered by my entire lack of ability to identify feelings. Has she read books? If not, is she willing? Maybe you could prescreen some for her reading list? I love books they help a lot.

Do you have an "alernate support system"? If there is someone, anyone you can trust or here for that matter that you can lean on for that? That way you may be able to leave her out of that loop for now anyway and progress on your path. I think in my marriage the hugest thing (in my opinion, he would differ) that's changed is that he gets I do not mean to be how I am, I can't help it and I don't know better, though I am growing. Infidelity is a deal breaker, but he's cool with where I am at. It wasn't always that way, but I am thinking him watching me actively persuing help has changed his mind, well that and me sharing with him the things I have learned you know in a way that is not like SEEEE You are wrong, but like wow, omg check this out (ie. my therapist telling my that I am my mother's "other woman")

Marriage is hard period and then add this in and it gets harder. A book that will make it easier for you to relate to her is a book called The power of a praying husband. Now wait, before you freak, you don't have to be a christian or what not - these books just take the nature of a man or a woman and put in a way that shows how we are wired and how that makes us weak or strong. It just can generate empathy and compassion for the opposite sex in a way I 've never seen before. I had tons of OMG moments I was like OHHHH that's why men do that, he's not just being an ass.

So Yea, I need some answers before I can move on :D