My So Is Exhausted With My Ptsd And I Don't Know What To Do.

[MoonShiner]

I suffer from (diagnosed) complex PTSD that is a result of chronic childhood sexual abuse, encountering the gruesome aftermath of a murdered family member when I was a kid, and being in an abusive relationship overseas as an adult. I've had PTSD for most of my life, but didn't admit to it until the last couple of years. I'm in my late 20s and I finally sought therapy at the beginning of this year. Up until seeking therapy I had my problems, but I was highly functional. I'm a high achiever in my graduate program and very busy with tons of projects and collaborations. However, as anyone with PTSD knows, the underside of that was that I was a hollow half person, emotionally speaking. I was/am so fragmented that I have serious trouble feeling my own emotions and fully engaging in relationships. I'm as cagey as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I decided that I was tired of living a half life and that I wanted to actively pursue the healing process so that I could be a more whole person and have real relationships. And really, achieving is what I do instead of drinking. While it's an objectively good thing, for me it has dark roots, and it doesn't mean that I'm okay.

My SO and I started dating shortly before I started therapy. They only got an initial glimpse of me before everything went to hell. Starting therapy was like opening a can of demonic worms, and I went from being competent and productive to going into an absolute tailspin. Random hysterics, hallucinations, suicidal ideation, the works. I managed to keep myself from being hospitalized, but only just. I regained a little composure but fell back down again in the summer, and I've been bouncing up and down since then. The initial freakout also sent me into into depression, and on top of my initial diagnoses I was then tested for and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I became unproductive, non-energetic, negative, and self-defeating. It affects my work and my relationships in a very substantial way.

My SO is amazing. Is incredibly devoted to being supportive. Has not faltered once or given any indication that they are going to bail. Overall our relationship is pretty great, and we've been talking about getting engaged. However, it's been nearly 10 months of this awfulness with the PTSD and our relationship is now under serious strain. My PTSD issues have been far too much of a defining aspect of our relationship, and my SO is just out of gas, afraid that it is always going to be this way, and deeply disappointed that I have not been an equal partner and that they feel like they cannot count on me (that last one hurts the most).

All of that is pretty crushing, and I'm trying not to take it too hard. They have every right to those feelings. But what I'm really concerned about is what I can do for them when I'm barely able to take care of myself right now. We live on different coasts and see each other once a month, so we're long distance-ish, but not really. I've suggested that they start seeing a counselor in their own city, but they don't want to. I've suggested that they join a PTSD spouse support group or participate in forums online, but they don't want to do that either. My SO has a very high stress job and works way above 40 hours a week, and so it's hard for them to find the energy for such things on top of dealing with me.

It feels like I'm the only one that can alleviate my SO's exhaustion and fears, which are starting to pile up in a desperate way. But I don't know if I have the spoons right now to do that, and if I can indeed, how? My SO says that they want me to be proactive, to engage in communication better, to be more transparent. All of those things are deeply related to (and limited by) my current struggles with PTSD. It feels like a catch 22.

We are definitely in a red level danger zone. My SO is continually frustrated by me, upset, and sometimes cries. I feel trapped and paralyzed. Do you have any, ANY suggestions of things we can do to cope?

 

[Nikki100]

I'm sorry you had/have to go through all of this!
Are you seeing a therapist regularly?
I can relate to a lot of things you wrote (long distance-ish, achieving instead of drinking, not "really living")! Maybe some of this will help :)

Your SO seems to really care about you so I don't really understand why he didn't agree to any of your suggestions. I think that it is very important for a supporter to have his own support and a certain level of understanding of PTSD. Of course he will learn a lot about it by being in a relationship with you but I believe that professional support, online forums or educating books are very important because it makes things a lot easier for both of you.
Being in a working relationship as a PTSD supporter or sufferer is difficult but it's possible. I think that you both need to understand that you are trying, that things won't be perfect by tomorrow but that it can get a lot better.
Showing my boyfriend that I care and that I'm trying with little gestures everyday instead of completely shutting him out has really helped us. Even telling him how you feel, like you did in this post, will probably help him understand.

Dealing with PTSD after ignoring it for a long time is overwhelming but it will probably get a lot better than it is now and I think that the experiences you can make when you stop being emotionally numb are totally worth the struggle.

I don't know about you but even if I'm trying to reduce the constant "work-achieve-work" thing, having a clear schedule and enough tasks is what keeps me from falling into depression.

I think something that really shouldn't happen is that the exhaustion and pressure from your relationship keeps you from recovering!

Wish you the best!!!
Nikki :)

 

[GWhizz]

I don't have a lot of time just now to reply but I'll come back to you later. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I am also in my late 20's and began therapy about 9months ago for similar traumas you recounted. Though I have been with my SO for over 6yrs now - I can definitely say that the whole diagnosis/treatment/therapy has taken a lot out of him and given our relationship a whack. It's a vicious cycle as it causes you more struggles in that your emotions (or lack of ability to express them adequately) and frustrations are impacting one of the best things in your life right now and also a big coping resource. It also causes a guilt that you're 'putting this' on someone you love and don't want to hurt - for me this in turn leads to only more ideation. Which again hurts my partner.

But I have developed some good strategies to help him understand and cope better - supporters need support too. I now try to write my feelings to bridge the gap from my inability to verbalize at times and then we can discuss what I wrote, like I find helpful in therapy. I've also brought him to 2 therapy sessions with me - that helped him understand that my tolerance and resilience thresholds just weren't as good as normal right now. That working through this will be best longterm, even if it doesn't seem like it now and it's taking it's toll - but it could be a lot worse if we never deal with it. I know not dealing with it wasn't really working for me either. Maybe I 'got by'. I'm also a very high achiever - graduated top of my programme etc and got a top job when no one was hiring. I had and still have a pretty solid relationship but I was slowly starting to crumble as my emotional issues and inability to express my feelings were taking their toll. I was getting close to an 'apparently perfectly happy person who takes their life for NO reason' - at least that's how it would have looked to others on the outside. Anyway - I gave birth just over a year ago and it all came crashing down.

I can't imagine how tough it must be having to cope with this in such a new relationship either. Though they sound pretty committed if they have stuck by you despite the fact that most of your relationship has been pulled through this upheaval. You sound like you can find a way. But right now, maybe give your SO that space to focus on themselves so they don't become burnt out. Show them that their emotions etc still matter equally. Maybe even consider couples therapy if they agree that might be something they'd be interested in trying.

P.M. me if you'd like to talk more anytime. I have to go asleep now, (or at least try) otherwise I would have tried write more.

I hope you find this site helpful :)

 

[nursenurse]

Look, I am going to be really blunt here. You are doing your part, and it is very clear to me that you are a very caring person. Quit making excuses for your SO. Long distance relationships are perilous at best even in the non PTSD world. Your SO is refusing to take their part in this relationship, refusing to get help for themselves, and I don't care what guise it takes. It makes me question their commitment to you. It seems like you are taking on all the fault, and that they are heaping it on you in the form of not wanting to seek help for themselves.

You cannot, and are not responsible for dealing with all of your SOs exhaustion and fears, it is unfair to be expected to do that. However, you owe them truth, you owe them communication. If you isolate, you owe them a brief explanation and the odd line via whatever method you choose, in whatever timeframe is agreeable to you both, that lets them know you are okay. Worry is one thing you can alleviate, and one of the things us supporters hate, when you isolate or take a breather.

I am not sure what your partner means by transparent, exactly what does that mean? Have you held back, have you cheated either emotionally or otherwise? Have they?

And maybe they just can't handle all that PTSD has to throw at them, and are afraid to admit it. They certainly will never be able to handle it, if they don't take responsibility for themselves in the relationship.

Maybe you guys need a breather from the term "relationship" while you both try to heal yourselves.

I am sorry you are going through all of this.

 

[Hashi]

... take a break?

There's no way in the world I could have sustained a fairly new relationship while doing trauma work in therapy.

To put that the other way round, equally true, there's no way in the world I could have done trauma therapy while sustaining a fairly new relationship.

In my view, it's impossible to do both. And, while a relationship with a future will be OK if put on pause, when the time is right to do trauma therapy then putting that on hold just doesn't work. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. All you can do is go forward in healing, with all that that entails. And what it entails can't include being an equal partner that your significant other can always rely on (at the moment).

You have talked in glowing terms about your significant other. I would hope that they are therefore able to accept that your ability to give to the relationship right now is physically limited by the process of healing from trauma. I would hope that they are able to understand that your trauma needs to be healed, and that now is the time for you. I would hope that they are able to understand how much you care about hem and the relationship, and that after you've done the work you need to do on healing your number one priority will be them... after you've done the work you need to do on healing.

To try to do both at the same time, I'm afraid I suspect that you would make progress with neither.

 

[MoonShiner]

I have been seeing a therapist regularly, but I just "broke up" with them. My therapist couldn't read me at all, at ALL, and I couldn't trust them. Every time I would start to get stable again my therapist would throw something new at me to see if it would stick. EMDR was especially disastrous. It always turned out horrible and left me reeling for days or even weeks. Eventually I had to pull my own ass out of the fire by doing a low dose MDMA treatment with friends (which pretty much saved my sanity). It undermined the therapy a lot and I decided that this kind of relationship with a therapist wasn't going to work. The seeds have already been sown and I can't undo how I feel about them, so I'm trying again this week with someone else. I stuck with them as long as I could (the better part of a year) to make sure it just wasn't my inherent bias and dislike of talking about my feelings that was making me dislike them, but I'm thinking now I overstayed.

--

I don't exactly know what my SO means by transparency either! I am a "hider." I hide my problems and failures and bad emotions from other people. I am guessing that they want me to share those things with them. But the thing is, when I do share them my SO immediately goes into "solve it" mode, or gets upset because I'm upset. My moods really affect them. I'm not really sure what to do about.

I praise my SO to the heavens because they have done a lot. A LOT. In the ways that they can. That of course doesn't mean my SO is perfect. They don't get it right sometimes, and my SO can be particularly blind when angry, and very insistent that their viewpoint is correct. We all have faults. I mean, I'm also sure I've painted myself in the best possible light with my language. I've been rudderless and pretty much incompetent for months, sitting in my apartment and refusing to do almost anything. I will say I will be proactive and make myself a schedule and actively try to change things, and then I won't do it. I will go emotionally mute and become unreadable and unreachable. When I know that I'm getting off track I will not talk to them about it because I know I'll have to face it. Etc., etc. I can make a pretty long list.

--

I think both of us are extremely unwilling to back down from the relationship or take a break. I've had plenty of romantic relationships in my time. Hell, I've even been engaged before. But I think we both recognize that this is a special relationship for both of us. I'm not really into concepts of "the one," but this is probably as close as I'm going to get to that notion. We love each other very much, and we are not playing around in our commitments.

I just don't know how to support them with resources I don't have. I'd like to do couple's counseling online. I think that might work. I think maybe my SO has refused the idea of individual therapy for themselves because they WANT me to be able to take care of them like they take care of me. They want it from me. They want to be assured that I can be an equal partner. And I'm not an equal partner right now, so I'm trying to shift the load onto external resources, but they're not buying it. It's an extremely uncomfortable and upsetting impasse for both of us.

 

[nursenurse]

I think your SO is having somewhat unrealistic expectations of you, and more importantly, you are having unrealistic expectations of yourself. A break does not mean good bye, it means you each work on yourselves.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Reading your story, I wondered if you were my ex. Lol. Same story line almost exactly. I've been in your SO's shoes. I can absolutely relate to both sides. Here is my two cents.

My partner and I were together for two years. I had no real world understanding of PTSD before I met her. It was a HUGE learning process for me. And that deserves the understatement of the year award.

Her actions and responses to me always baffled me more than anything. And I had many of the same view points as your SO when I first found out about her diagnosis, and up until months down the road. I thought "why can't she just communicate with me properpy?" Or "why does everything always have to be so stressful?" Or "why is our relationship always about her PTSD?" Etc. I felt so frustrated for so long. I just wanted our relationship to be "normal." Then it smacked me like a ton of bricks - it wasn't her fault. None of it. And I could either accept her diagnosis and realize it meant certain things would be a certain way in our relationship .. Or I couldn't accept it and move on. I choose to accept it because learning about PTSD and knowing how to understand the symptoms seemed like a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness. I realized that as long as I was going to be in a relationship with her, I had to understand that ptsd was always going to be a part of our lives. And since she was worth it to me, that meant me learning about it and how to work through it and what to expect.

Communication may be be tough, anxiety will be high, and talking may not always be according to my schedule. And I accepted that as reality, along with some other things, and that those things were absolutely not deal breakers for me. They were just obsticles we had to learn to navigate through together. And it would make us even stronger in the end. Being with her meant learning how to work through these things together and accepting her ptsd and what that entails, rather than ignoring it like it didn't exist.

Basically, the key for me wasn't to try to change my partner into someone she wasn't, but rather to accept and love her for how she was, ptsd and all. I accepted her exactly how she was, and I gladly was willing to learn to navigate the twisty roads of ptsd with her. Unfortunately, we didn't work out in the end. But my two cents still remain: if your partner is unwilling to accept your PTSD and some of the effects that it may entail for your relationship (and instead want you to behave in a way like you don't have PTSD), then I'm not sure if that is a relationship worth fighting for. Your ideal partner should love you enough to desire learning why you may be having issues with communication or vulnerability, etc., and how to patiently work through it,, rather than expecting you to be able to just simply change it like you don't have PTSD at all.

The moment I accepted my partner had PTSD and I accepted that meant certain things, was the moment things got easier. I feel that without that, it will be incredibly hard to work.

Good luck to you.

 

[syoung078]

Reading your story, I wondered if you were my ex. Lol. Same story line almost exactly. I've been in your SO's shoes...Unfortunately, we didn't work out in the end. But my two cents still remain: if your partner is unwilling to accept your PTSD and some of the effects that it may entail for your relationship (and instead want you to behave in a way like you don't have PTSD), then I'm not sure if that is a relationship worth fighting for.

Are you willing to share what "broke the camel's back" for you and your ex? It sounds like you were really comitted.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that you both need to throw the notion of a completely equal relationship out the window, because it doesn't exist. There is always one person who may be a little bit more emotional, one who will be a little bit stronger, one who will be a little bit more.....well, anything. If you want a completely equal partnership, you might as well clone yourself and marry yourself, but then again, that would be quite boring!

In the scope of PTSD, I don't think I am going out on a limb by saying that no relationship is going to be completely equal. I will ALWAYS be the more emotional one, and I am fine with that! In fact, I strive to find someone who is more rational than I am, a bit more level headed, and less reactive. But, on the flip side, I am able to bring other aspects to the relationship that the other person may not have.

I think that if you're looking for a SO to be your everything, then the relationship is doomed to fail. No one person can be your everything. If you are struggling with your PTSD and your partner isn't willing to get support of his own, then that is on him, and yes, very much his fault, not yours. I think its a sign of strength to be willing to admit that you need help, and perhaps your partner isn't willing to admit that he needs help because he is too proud? I also get the feeling that you, with the diagnosable mental disorder, are the identifiable patient, and as such *you* are the one who needs professional help (either individually or in couples counseling). Its easier to put the issues on you and make you fix them instead of him admitting that he needs help, too.

 

[blue_eyes18]

It wasn't me who ended the relationship. I never would have walked away because I was extremely committed to making us work. She was the love of my life and I wanted to marry her.

We split because she hasn't gotten a good grip on her ptsd at all and it's always over run her life and subsequently ours. We met during a time of her life when she was just diagnosed with it and she hadn't accepted it yet. She was just ignoring it. She eventually, after a handful of months, began accepting it and receiving therapy for it. But she had no proper skills to cope with it. Neither did I. So thats where we were at. She had later told me, after we were serious, that she knew she was in no place for a relationship, but when we met, it was a whirlwind and just an instant connection. She said she had to try. It was like love at first sight. Sounds cheesy but it was true. So we tried to make it work.

Basically, her ptsd isn't under control yet. She doesn't have the proper tools set in place yet to properly cope with her symptoms. Her life is very unstable and therefore, so was our relationship. One minute, I was the love of her life, the next, she would be telling me she couldn't handle a relationship. Then one minute, she would want to get engaged, the next, she would say she was too unstable for us. She cried and said she just needed to get her life together first before she could have a stable relationship. I agree, she does need to get a grip on her PTSD. We never stand a chance without that. She says she hopes that once she gets her life together that maybe, if the love is still there, we can reunite and pick up where we left. So that's our story.

 

[MoonShiner]

...you, with the diagnosable mental disorder, are the identifiable patient, and as such *you* are the one who needs professional help (either individually or in couples counseling). Its easier to put the issues on you and make you fix them instead of him admitting that he needs help, too.

I feel like there's a little bit of this going on. I feel like I'm the designated "sick" person in this relationship, and I don't know how to get out from under it.