Death My Son Passed Away

[ladee]

I lost my son Jan of last year. My whole world exploded. And in turn, it felt like it physically blew open my brain to every feeling I had ever had about anything. I was more vulnerable than I had ever been in my life. I hate it that I understand how you are feeling. I hate it for both of us because no mother should ever have to lose a child.

I hardly remember anything about last year. And my mind did go to things that had nothing to do with my son and many times the past was up front and personal, that, again, had nothing to do with my son.

Losing a child, regardless of age or circumstances is the most pain and confusion a human can feel.

You aren't taking anything away from your son by having PTSD blowing things up even more. I am so very sorry. I can honestly say, I understand how you feel.

Give yourself a LOT of time. Keep those close to you that you trust. Be honest about how you feel even if others think you are crazy. We are crazy with pain.
They are not going to understand a lot of what you are going thru. It's ok.

I have been on this PTSD healing journey for many many years so I at least had a brain cell that worked to come here and just let things out. If you are new to this journey please find a therapist that is familiar with grief and hopefully PTSD. I doubt that you will be that fortunate. But it is imperative you not do this alone.

I still have trouble making sense sometimes but I do want you to know I understand how everything is different and things from the past come rushing in. So very sorry for your broken heart.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm so sorry, @JadeB.

 

[Jade-]

Thanks everyone

@ladee I'm glad you understand yet I'm sad you do too

 

[Movingforward10]

Makes total sense the past trauma is in your dreams. What you're going through is so stressful. Whilst it may feel disrespectful to your son: it really isn't. It's trauma and stress and grief and you're just getting through.

 

[ladee]

@JadeB. I'm broken hearted for both of us. We have experienced trauma in our past or we wouldn't be here. But this one, this trauma of losing our sons. There is nothing to compare it to. Just know you aren't alone and I am here for you. I have no magic answers because I am walking this path too with no road map.

No pain like it. Sending understanding hugs if you accept.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm very sorry @JadeB. , that is terrible and you would feel devastated.

Just to say, I find things are (emotionally) state dependent. That is, something you're feeling with your son's death is the same as what you felt re the content of your nightmares/ specific trauma(s), at that time. It's not disrespectful, it's not intentional.Going through the same myself today and a few days ago.

Gentle hugs for you, xox.

 

[Friday]

It hurts because it feels so disrespectful to my son. I am in such deep mourning yet I have things besides him swirling around in my mind.

It’s one of the things I despise most about PTSD… I can’t even grieve the present, because the tiniest crack opens? And the past comes rushing in.

It took me 2 years before I could even grieve my dog’s death, to be able to think of him and him alone… much less think on him and feel happy in remembrance, or any degree of distance by time. Because my past thundered out, blocking the present from moving forward, every day was as painful as the day I had to put him down. As much as I loved my dog? (And still do.) As much as for a long time he was not only my best friend, but my only friend? He was still a dog. A drop in the ocean, a candle to a sun, compared to the depth of love I have for my son.

When my son was being hurt? When his life was at risk? The exact same thing happened, but worse. Every fear, every rage, every pain, every regret, every sadness, every moment of helplessness or hard choice… it was like my brain thought I was stupid, and didn’t understand the seriousness of the situation, and reached back in time throwing everything at me it could that mirrored what I was thinking/feeling/experiencing now.

Which is probably the opposite of disrespectful, even though it feels like the worst kind of disrespect… but the consequences of my brain hurling warnings at me? Obliterated my present. Making me incapable of… durn near everything. Except being trapped in the worst moments of my life, during the worst moments of my life. A feedback loop of incomparable pain. Felt like my spine was being ripped out of my chest.

f*ck PTSD.

You’re dealing with the most difficult thing imaginable, whilst reliving the worst moments of your life. That’s not disrespectful, but speaks to the depths of love you have for your son -the only thing that even comes close to losing him? This- and the strength you have to be managing both, at the same time. Strength to you.

 

[Mach123]

Hi, I’m sorry.

 

[ladee]

I couldn't find the words to explain but as @Friday shared, with that pain, a chasm opened. I almost drove myself more insane than I already was, trying to make sure, which is impossible, to see what was PTSD and what was grief for my son. After a time, it simply did not matter. I made sure I stayed in contact with my support system to keep me peeled off the walls.

It is the hardest thing you will ever do. And it breaks my heart you have PTSD to deal with on top of it. Just stay in contact. It helps to know others are thinking about us and supporting us even if they had not experienced the same kind of loss.

Losing our child IS trauma. So the past insists on making things worse. But you are not alone.

 

[Mee]

Condolences. It’s good you appreciate your support system but nothing can console such a wound . It makes absolute sense that ptsd would ramp up. I hope you can be kind to yourself.

heartfelt best wishes in this difficult time.

 

[Starfire]

Thanks everyone.

I am really struggling. And I was so upset the first night I woke up from a nightmare of being molested. I was thinking " no! I do NOT wanna deal with this right now". And kept thinking what's wrong with me,my son passed away and I'm dreaming about something so sick?

It hurts because it feels so disrespectful to my son. I am in such deep mourning yet I have things besides him swirling around in my mind.

I want and need comfort and support from others in real life but lately them touching me,hugging me,makes me cringe.

I think deep hurt is deep hurt. It doesn't specialize. It just hurts. Sorry you are going thru this. Take care of yourself.

 

[Jade-]

I am struggling again today. I just feel so hopeless and like I don't want to go on. I know I must though.

I hope I will be eligible for free or reduced therapy. I will know something about it in 2 weeks.

I am the one that found my son. I knew he was gone by how he looked. I am having a hard time with that image in my mind.

I was sexually abused for 17 years straight. I would gladly go through that again than go through this,if given the choice.

My PTSD symptoms are not as bad as they were when I started this thread. Now I am completely feeling this loss and it's a kind of hurt/pain I've never experienced before.