spousecoping
New Here
I finally decided that I needed to talk to people who have gone through what I am going through.
I am the spouse of someone with PTSD...it's been hard, because most of what I find is centered around war-veterans. My husband's trauma is the result of growing up in a war zone with a drunk father and a psychologically (and sometimes physically) abusive mother. In the past, his PTSD has shown up infrequently so it hasn't been too overwhelming. even though the trigger were what I consider bizarre--accusing me of betrayal and showing extreme jealously and insecurity about very random things--it wasn't too much to cope with since it was very isolated incidents. he did always seem to be on a rollar coaster with work issues, but those were easy for me to deal with (or so I thought).
For awhile he was on anti-depressants that effected his libido...things got strained, I had my own things going on (ie the house we renovated together got flooded and completely ruined, workd was making me feel trapped, etc). To tope it off, he "sleepwalks" (for lack of a better word) and wil sometimes grab me inappropriately when I sleep (and he's asleep). The cumulation of his problems, the "sleepwalking" leaving me feeling violated, and me being mentally and emotionally exausted has negatively effected our relationship. We were still the "happy go lucky" couple in public, but there was a stand-offness at home that neither of us could get over. But we still always enjoyed activities together and I really thought things were improving.
Then a few weeks ago he found an old computer (old as in YEARS before we even met) of mine I never threw away. For whatever reason, he decided to go through the files and happened across some racy communication between myself and an ex (it was a long distance relationship). he flipped his lid and is now obsessed over what he views as a connection I had with an ex that he says we never had. Instead of being worried about making OUR relationship more like what it USED to be, he is crazed abotu why our relationship isn't what it was like with this other guy.
Since he discovered the file, a list of grievances a mile long have started to filter out of "betrayals" I done. All for completely insignificant things. And some 25 months old that I was just hearing about that have been on his mind this whole time. Certainly I have room for improvement, but the way he talks you would think I cheated on him. To top it off, every time he comes home from counseling I have to hear about how he's not convinced we are going to make it. how if ONLY I was a better wife, he would have no trigger and could be perfectly capable of living a normal life. how he's sick of the counselor focusing on him rather than fixing ME.
He's quite a remarkable person for managing to do what he has done with his life despite what is probably one of the worse childhoods one could imagine. But it's like this ex incident has sent us over the edge. When he says things to me alluding to our relationhship being over or blaming me for imagined betrayals i become more and more cut off. And the next day all he want to do is tell me he loves me and wants to cuddle, hug, and kiss. As if everything is erased from the night before because he said "I'm sorry."
I really have to wonder if I am of the mold to have a spouse like this. I'm a strong person with a rather independant streak. I have a tendency to be blunt and matter of fact and say exactly the things that probably shouldn't be said. How does one learn to change their way of handling things to deal with these issues? The way he talks to the counselor, you'd think I was a cold, emotionally unavailable wench. I'm probably becoming that person--but what came first, the chicken or the egg?
I feel like I didn't know what I was getting into at the end of the day. How many other people ahve really made it through these things? What can I say, he's done a good job the last few weeks of convincing me this relationship isn't going to go the distance. i went into this whole thing feeling that divorce wasn't an option. Now I dno't know what to think.
I am the spouse of someone with PTSD...it's been hard, because most of what I find is centered around war-veterans. My husband's trauma is the result of growing up in a war zone with a drunk father and a psychologically (and sometimes physically) abusive mother. In the past, his PTSD has shown up infrequently so it hasn't been too overwhelming. even though the trigger were what I consider bizarre--accusing me of betrayal and showing extreme jealously and insecurity about very random things--it wasn't too much to cope with since it was very isolated incidents. he did always seem to be on a rollar coaster with work issues, but those were easy for me to deal with (or so I thought).
For awhile he was on anti-depressants that effected his libido...things got strained, I had my own things going on (ie the house we renovated together got flooded and completely ruined, workd was making me feel trapped, etc). To tope it off, he "sleepwalks" (for lack of a better word) and wil sometimes grab me inappropriately when I sleep (and he's asleep). The cumulation of his problems, the "sleepwalking" leaving me feeling violated, and me being mentally and emotionally exausted has negatively effected our relationship. We were still the "happy go lucky" couple in public, but there was a stand-offness at home that neither of us could get over. But we still always enjoyed activities together and I really thought things were improving.
Then a few weeks ago he found an old computer (old as in YEARS before we even met) of mine I never threw away. For whatever reason, he decided to go through the files and happened across some racy communication between myself and an ex (it was a long distance relationship). he flipped his lid and is now obsessed over what he views as a connection I had with an ex that he says we never had. Instead of being worried about making OUR relationship more like what it USED to be, he is crazed abotu why our relationship isn't what it was like with this other guy.
Since he discovered the file, a list of grievances a mile long have started to filter out of "betrayals" I done. All for completely insignificant things. And some 25 months old that I was just hearing about that have been on his mind this whole time. Certainly I have room for improvement, but the way he talks you would think I cheated on him. To top it off, every time he comes home from counseling I have to hear about how he's not convinced we are going to make it. how if ONLY I was a better wife, he would have no trigger and could be perfectly capable of living a normal life. how he's sick of the counselor focusing on him rather than fixing ME.
He's quite a remarkable person for managing to do what he has done with his life despite what is probably one of the worse childhoods one could imagine. But it's like this ex incident has sent us over the edge. When he says things to me alluding to our relationhship being over or blaming me for imagined betrayals i become more and more cut off. And the next day all he want to do is tell me he loves me and wants to cuddle, hug, and kiss. As if everything is erased from the night before because he said "I'm sorry."
I really have to wonder if I am of the mold to have a spouse like this. I'm a strong person with a rather independant streak. I have a tendency to be blunt and matter of fact and say exactly the things that probably shouldn't be said. How does one learn to change their way of handling things to deal with these issues? The way he talks to the counselor, you'd think I was a cold, emotionally unavailable wench. I'm probably becoming that person--but what came first, the chicken or the egg?
I feel like I didn't know what I was getting into at the end of the day. How many other people ahve really made it through these things? What can I say, he's done a good job the last few weeks of convincing me this relationship isn't going to go the distance. i went into this whole thing feeling that divorce wasn't an option. Now I dno't know what to think.
