Undiagnosed My Story

[joyfulgirl]

Ever since I was around 12-13, I have suffered from panic attacks/anxiety and depression. I was physically and emotionally abused by my father throughout my childhood and as the abuse escalated, the panic attacks began. Anxiety has colored my life ever since and while I learned to function with it in some ways, I also know that there have been many ways this has held me back throughout my life (school, jobs, relationships, etc). I've tried talk therapy, anti depressants over the years but it barely seems to have scratched the surface. I end up in the same cycle of anxiety, self-doubt, negative talk, self-sabotage, low motivation, depression over and over. It has cost me job opportunities and relationships and caused so much regret.

The more I learn about (complex?) PTSD, the more it resonates for me. I've never officially been diagnosed with it but it seems to explain a lot. I'm working with a therapist now who wants to start EMDR. I feel this is potentially a good thing as I know deep down I've never really grieved for the loss of the girl I once was before the abuse began. I'm also scared to take these next steps. I know I have to and believe the process will be worth it. I'm just so lost right now...last therapy session, we began listing some of my trauma history. My therapist approached it from the point of "lets write down the worst things that have happened to you that you can remember". I was surprised at some of the stuff that came up. We also started another list of happy memories in my life, and boy, were those a lot more difficult to come up with! I've noticed that since that session, I have been feeling even more depressed though. I cry every single day now and even more upsetting memories are coming to the surface. I try to counteract those with even the smallest happy memories but I find that even when I think of the good things I've accomplished, I get more sad because those things didn't last. I'm sure this a normal part of this process, but god, I feel so damaged, confused and stuck that I can barely function these past several days. I'm in a pretty dark place right now and while I have a couple of good friends who are supportive, I am so worried for my future.

Thank you for reading and for your support.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @joyfulgirl and welcome to the forum!

I like your user name, despite you feeling so low just now. I hope that reflects a positive mental attitude as that helps so much in this long road to recovery.

EMDR can be very effective - it has certainly helped me, but I know it is not for everybody. Keep hold of those supportive friends, they are very important even when at times you may feel like pushing them away.

 

[joyfulgirl]

Thank you for the kind words, @Lucycat and I appreciate the welcome as well.

I am trying to hold on to whatever positivity I can right now. The user name I chose does actually reflect on who I know I can be deep down inside. I also know I'm lucky to have a few people in my life who are here for me. And yes, it is difficult sometimes for me to *not* push them away or isolate. I have to force myself sometimes, but I have learned in the past that pushing people away is not the way to go. I often feel guilty about needing to reach out to them as I don't want to impose my sadness or feelings of helplessness. But in the last month or so, I've been making myself reach out and stay in touch with friends and it has been helpful.

 

[Alexander12]

@joyfulgirl

Hello and welcome. Thank you for sharing your story . On those bad days always feel to post here . Thats what we are here for . Good luck with your journey and stay strong ! :)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Welcome to the forum @joyfulgirl .

Sending a warm :hug: from the UK if you accept it.

 

[WildMermaid]

Welcome @joyfulgirl we're glad to have you here. :) Has your therapist diagnosed PTSD? It sounds silly but for me that was an important diagnosis as it was a jumping in point and made a good deal of sense. EMDR is intensive and and challenging but (imho) worth it. :hug:

 

[joyfulgirl]

Thank you everyone for your words of support and encouragement. It means a lot!

@WildMermaid, my therapist actually hasn't given me an official diagnosis. I only recently started going back to therapy in the last month; I've had three sessions so far with her. Interestingly, in the first session after I presented my concerns and issues, she brought up EMDR as treatment option. Her background is in trauma therapy and that was what drew me to selecting her. I've been to a few different therapists in my lifetime, starting with when I was about 13 (when the panic attacks were so bad I couldn't go to school). The irony is my issues have pretty much been the same over the years...and while talk therapy definitely gave me good insights and were somewhat helpful, this has never been approached from a trauma perspective with any of the therapists I've gone to. I've been struggling so much in the past couple months with the same patterns and themes repeating themselves. My instincts have been telling me that the reason these themes keep recurring in my life is because I've never really addressed, grieved, and resolved the past abuses. I'd heard a little about EMDR but had been hesitant to consider the stuff that happened to me as trauma-related.

 

[intothelight]

@joyfulgirl Welcome to the forum!

There is a lot of information on this site about EMDR and other types of therapy that you may find helpful. Processing trauma can make a person feel worse in the short run and it is important that a therapist lay some groundwork so the client has the ability to self-sooth or other positive coping skills. I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello and welcome to the forum!

(I love your avatar by the way!) :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,

You might want to ask if it is indeed PTSD. Complex PTSD isn't a diagnosis, and what you mention symptom wise is more along the lines of GAD or MDD. Trauma can indeed cause both of those disorders, too.

 

[joyfulgirl]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/solara.1860/"]Solara[/DLMURL], thank you; I will ask my therapist about this when we meet next.

I wonder, is EMDR beneficial as an intervention in cases that do not fit PTSD criteria? Should I be concerned about accepting this treatment if it turns out I do not have PTSD?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes! EMDR is indeed used for things outside of ptsd. You don't need a ptsd diagnosis to benefit from it. However, it is best for single incident trauma. It can cause issues if you've got ongoing trauma ie child abuse. But, I know that some child abuse survivors have had it work for them.