My T Hugs Clients!

[Panda Bear]

I had a really strong, visceral reaction to it. I couldn't get out of her room quickly enough at the end of that session and it really, really bothered me for the rest of the week.

Oh...Lord!! I had the same reaction to a conversation about touch with my T, the one that resulted in him suggesting maybe I'd be open to a hug on our last session. I FREAKED out and stormed out of his office, slamming the door behind me. I was so upset for a very long time, I sent him a torrid email when I got home. Demanding that he never touch me!

Only, he pushed and did what he did on purpose, he meant to upset me. So that he could bring around that my response to physical touch and comfort was something that wasn't healthy and needed work. I guess people shouldn't freak out over someone even suggesting a hug. :wtf:

 

[barefoot]

The thing is, I thought I'd handled it well and was just having a slight 'WTF?!' moment inside but was keeping it contained. Ha! She said the following week that I'd looked totally horrified!

The thing about people shouldn't freak out over someone suggestioning a hug (I want to quote that bit but my iPad isn't playing the highlighting game at this moment!)...yes, I guess that is a bit extreme/dramatic. And probably, yes, it probably connects to a reason we have a therapist in the first place. But I do get irritated by huggy people who just assume that everyone wants to hug/be hugged by them. The assumption that hugging is great and everyone should be up for it....that irks me!

 

[watundah]

I am curious if it is perhaps a hug from this person in authority that is difficult in that it crosses a huge barrier of intimacy when you add physical closeness; it's yet another level of vulnerability and I would hedge almost all of us here were physically wounded along the way.

Is it hugs from everyone or just the T that is upsetting?

I did not, so not, grow up in a huggy family but my spouse did and I have kind of been molded into a hugger. And running with groups of women who all hug hello and then goodbye makes one quickly overcome the discomfort when it's a sincere expression of affection. Ive learned there are so many kinds, some teddy bears, some rigid, and some definitely too long!!! So it is something that can change if you want it to..that said, not sure Im ready for a big T hug.

 

[Biz]

@Panda Bear , I actually started the bodywork because I was massively uncomfortable with touch, like would go to therapy with my T at the time and I'd make her move her chair back because I didn't want the idea to even cross her mind that she should reach out and potentially touch me when I was in distress.

I had to work hard to find someone who was okay with me receiving bodywork and being massively uncomfortable and sometimes directing that at her. She happened to also do counseling. It's been a really great path for me.

 

[Panda Bear]

@watundah its hugs from anybody and everybody that's upsetting. Authority figures, or Therapist.

I might hug him someday, but for now, he belongs in his chair, sitting back. @Biz! I hear ya!

 

[Changing4Best]

One of my therapists used to hug me at the end of every session, and I did not mind. She was a woman, though, I would not want to have been hugged by a man!

 

[Ronin]

Wouldn't handle authority figure hugs unless it was the final parting, but glad it works for you and in good spirit, @Panda Bear. ;)

 

[Panda Bear]

Interestingly enough, I asked him yesterday if he would ever hug me, should I request it.

And.....he said "in a heartbeat"

We've been discussing comfort, what it looks like, feels like, why one needs comfort. Why I need comfort. And he has been briefly inserting that yes, people need physical comfort as well. Like hugs etc. We as humans are built for not only emotional connections, but physical connections as well. By depriving myself of the physical and emotional comfort of others, I'm making healing harder and more difficult to come by. Or not at all, since I often fight his desire to emotionally comfort and validate my feelings and trauma.

Until I learn to accept that I am worthy of love, comfort and affection, I might not ever move past this part of the process.

So for now, male therapist or not, final parting, and authority figure aside.... @Cashew I think I'm going to learn how to take that hug. Sooner rather than later.

Now if only it were that simple to ask for something like this :eek:

 

[barefoot]

he said "in a heartbeat"

Even though I'm not down with the touching, I think this is a sweet thing for him to say....I always like the sound of your therapist :-)

I must admit, since "hug-gate", I have wondered if my therapist would hug me if I asked (not that I have any intention of asking). She was very clear that she only hugs some clients - I got the impression that it was a small number of long term clients who she knows well and they both feel comfortable with it in their relationship together. I wonder if she would... Because, much as the thought of us hugging totally freaks me out, of course I would like to think that I'm one of the special chosen ones who she would hug if I wanted her to! ;-)

 

[Panda Bear]

@barefoot
I'm learning that my therapist is a unique breed.

I hope that if you should ever reach the point of a hug, that your therapist will oblige. I'm certain that you are special enough!

 

[Eagle3]

My T actually had to spend 15 minutes at the end of a session teaching me how to hug. It's been a point of education and growth for me to ask for a hug at the end of each session. There are times i just can't do it and will leave without my hug, but I find that I feel better after sessions when i get my hug. I can handle hugs from guys better than from other women but that's because my abusers were all female and guys have always been my safe zone. My T does bodywork sessions too, so i don't have such a problem with physical contact from him, but sometimes i just can't handle the contact and he's ok with that too. He reads me really well. I couldn't imagine making the progress I have made without a therapist who hugs.

 

[stillstanding2]

This is a fascinating thread. I hadn't really thought about it for some time, but I sometimes hug my (female) therapist and sometimes not. Sometimes after a very emotional session, i just do it spontaneously, and I think she expects it. Other times, I don't think to do that. Odd. And hugs from other women usually are enjoyable, but sometimes they creep me out, and I don't know why.

I may shake hands with a man or maybe pat him on the back if we know each other well, but usually a spontaneous touch from a man feels like aggression. Makes me want to fight back. I never would have dreamed of hugging my first therapist, who was a man.