My Therapist “broke” Me

[Justmehere]

Transference is hard and time off from support stinks. I think you have feedback that your therapist is being reasonable, appropriate, and has your best in mind, and that you are dealing with understandable negative transference and abandonment fears that will likely improve if you stick it out. I think you also blame her for your symptoms, when what you are experiencing is what it would be like without her. I’m honestly not sure how running and being without her support for even longer is the solution — and yet, the desire to RUN when highly symptomatic and struggling makes sense. That’s PTSD talking. Fight or flight. Stay or go, regardless of what you choose, even if you decide this isn’t for you, wish I could convince you she’s not the enemy. Your reaction is one very much of flight, fitting for trauma, but it’s flight from someone that really sounds like she wants to be there to help when she gets back. A safe support. Not perfect, flawed, maybe not the right therapist, but the situation is not fitting for a RUN response. Past trauma, yes. Now, not so much.

You are asking if you should leave. I ask that a lot about my own treatment. Probably just about every week lately. Ultimately, it comes down to my readiness and if the costs outweigh the long haul benefits.

At the end of the day, the choice is yours and you know the situation better than any of us. In fact, I think that it’s important to pause and recognize you do get to choose and you’ll be the one living with the outcome of that choice. Transference is hella painful, and it can take time to work it through. Not being ready to face it or being too burnt out is understandable.

so my thoughts are, do I just let it go? do I switch T’s or heavily medicate and quit.

You can totally disregard any suggestion here that isn’t helpful to you. But I hope you think through what possible benefits of running that are driving the desire to run, and what possible benefits are there to staying - and bring it all into the session with the psychologist. You might find out another way through and get your needs met for stabilization better.

Here are a few more thoughts:

1.) Let it go.

Pro: You get to continue with a therapist where you have done a lot of good work. You don’t have to start the process with someone new, which may take time to find, and whom will need time catch up. You have an opportunity to experience her returning and possibly diving back into trauma work.

Con: You miss out on talking more about this in therapy when she gets back. You will run into this happening again with almost every therapist out there and by bailing now, you’ll delay learning the skills and doing the healing you’ll need to manage this better without running.

Not sure if this is a pro or a con:

By simply letting this go, you may delay addressing underlying loss and trauma that’s been stirred up. More on this below.

2.) Switch Ts:

Pro: You’ll have someone take a fresh look at your symptoms and care. They may have tools and techniques your current therapist does not have. They may have a different way of responding that helps work this through.

Con: Most therapists take vacations. Few therapists accept regular in between session contact. The fear of abandonment and and distrust will follow you, because the unresolved trauma is still there. The original abandonment. But running now, you don’t get to have a possible reparative experience with your current therapist. You could run into a worse therapist.

Not sure if this is a pro or con:

You’ll possibly delay deep work on the trauma driving this transference reaction. Maybe that’s a beneficial thing, and the space would be good... in which case... is there perhaps other ways to put the work away now, regardless of what happens for therapy? Ways to stabilize.

Maybe running and switching therapists is unhealthy avoidance, and maybe it’s not time to run. So maybe there are ways to better face it more directly, instead of just through transference of hat pain on to your therapist?

3.) Heavily medicate and quit.

Pro: There are “benefits” of medicating. Avoidance will seem like it brings relief in the short run.

Con: studies have shown avoidance usually backfired and the pain usually comes back with a gusto, eventually.

Ok, so I am leaving out A LOT, but I hope you get the idea.

Listing out the benefits and drawbacks of each choice may bring up needs and issues and benefits you might be overlooking, and there might be ways to meet those needs better. It also will help you make an informed choice.

You did hire her to help. You can quit and run. There are also other options: talk to her more, seek adjunctive therapy or a higher level of care to stabilize, take a break and then go back when ready, find their skills other than heavily medicating to cope and quit, etc, etc.

The pain of transference is awful. You have done well at resisting the urge to quit and run. It’s hard to hang on. I’m glad you’ll talk more about this before making your decision.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Justmehere you are right about wanting to run. The last appointment I had with my T actually had gone pretty well, she wanted to do emdr on “fake therapists” but I was afraid it would take me to the trauma again, so I avoided it. Then when she was talking about support she was encouraging me to talk to my mom or sister. I wish she would stop bringing them up. I have felt angry at my mom more and more when we do emdr. And I feel that is why I get so angry at my T and I really don’t understand the anger because I had a really good mom and a caring T. And she points out that my mom does love me. Just wasn’t there during the trauma. There is too much risk in telling mom. She might not accept how this is against the image I displayed my whole life. The image I was expected to have. There is too much risk. I have no idea why I am off on this tangent. Just thinking about why running seems right.

Also, I feel like my T is going to leave or transition me, despite what she says. She recently said that she has no intentions or inclinations to leave. She says “staying the course” and the “suffereing will lead the way.” But... she also said that I could email between sessions, and though I still can, she took her responses away. So how do I know she won’t leave? If I am so frustrating, and too much work? I also think about how she is out not giving this a second thought and I can’t box it up. It is consuming my thoughts and that doesn’t seem healthy.

 

[Justmehere]

It’s hard to learn to trust again after trauma. I’m in the battle to try to figure it out myself.

Do you ever feel anger about the perp? For a long time, I didn’t. I got angry at others - especially those who were the safest to feel angry about. I’ve seen this happen with other trauma survivors. Instead of getting angry at the actual perpetrators of the trauma, they get pissed with those who are closer or safer. It’s a form of transference.

A bad reaction to transference by a therapist is having no boundaries. Your therapist sounds boundaried. That’s a pretty good sign she’s more likely to stick this out with you. I know her limits hurt, but a therapist who is willing to say no, that is a therapist who is a lot more likely to be trustworthy when they say yes.

 

[MyWillow]

@Skywatcher that wanting to run is real. It’s a true physiological phenomenon. My psydoc encourages me to do what I need to in session when I start dissociating or have a flashback. I often stand - helps break the freeze response - and sometimes I feel the urge to get out. At times I will go for a walk outside until I get my head together - sometimes she will walk with me if I want her too. Last week I must have gone very pale as she suggested I lie down or at least sit with my head back. But yes that need to run is real and it’s ok to feel like that. Reassuring yourself that you ARE safe can really help. Easier said than done I know :) x

 

[Skywatcher]

It’s hard to learn to trust again after trauma. I’m in the battle to try to figure it out myself.

Do you ever feel anger about the perp? For a long time, I didn’t. I got angry at others - especially those who were the safest to feel angry about. I’ve seen this happen with other trauma survivors. Instead of getting angry at the actual perpetrators of the trauma, they get pissed with those who are closer or safer. It’s a form of transference.

A bad reaction to transference by a therapist is having no boundaries. Your therapist sounds boundaried. That’s a pretty good sign she’s more likely to stick this out with you. I know her limits hurt, but a therapist who is willing to say no, that is a therapist who is a lot more likely to be trustworthy when they say yes.

I haven’t known how to be angry. It wasn’t really allowed in my house growing up. I asked my T the other day if I am allowed to be angry or what is the consequences for being angry? She made a cute expression and said, “permission granted.” The only people I seem to have been extremely angry with are the two T’s that I have had. The first T told me she was transferring me at the next session. She said it was because I needed emdr, but I can’t help but think it was because therapists hate working with me. My current T took email response away from me because I was becoming angry and hurt if the response pattern changed. I honestly felt it was because everything was actually a lie, and the really bad time it led to an almost self harm thing. I know that part is justified I am just really struggling with it and my fears that she will leave because I told her that I am angry with her timing and her need to tell me about what she needs as if this was all my fault.

 

[Wendell_R]

I haven’t known how to be angry.

In my family, only my father was allowed to be angry. It's taken me a long time to allow myself anger and to not feel attacked afterward, and this is very much a work in progress for me. Being angry at your therapist is okay--they are trained to handle that. Working out that anger in sessions is really important. Expressing that anger, and knowing that you are allowed to have feelings is good progress. Figuring out with your therapist how much of that anger is transference can take time and patience.

my fears that she will leave because I told her that I am angry

My therapist has told me that I can say and feel anything. The less I hide, the more progress I make.

 

[Skywatcher]

Saw Dr Sub-T. No talk of transference other than what I briefly said. She made a point to get me to talk about moments in my life where I was in “remission.” Had me name out my support system... trying to get me to see that I don’t need 24/7 contact with my T. All in a gentle talk. Encouraging the goal of therapy is to put the therapist in the back seat and how they want to get further and further away in the rear view mirror until you no longer see them. That makes them happy because they want you to be independent and live your good life, that is their success story. I told her that I don’t really need emails for encouragement or tools. I just want to know that my T is a real person. One of my goals is to view my T as a person (not a God). She pointed out that therapists going on vacation is a sign that they are a real person. She said that she knows that with trauma therapy, some things may be different. However, my main issue is trust. I am fully aware of that. Lol.

I guess having a focus on the end goal of being out of therapy is good to have. It’s hard because I do love my T so much. Wow, my emotions are all over the place. Add to list: “afraid to heal.”

 

[Wendell_R]

It's like a parent teaching a child to ride a bike (even though trauma work is a lot harder and frustrating). It's good for the parent to steer the bike at first, and as the child learns, to keep the bike & rider from crashing into the curb or a car. But after a while, it's time for the parent to let go and run like mad to keep up with the slightly swerving path of young rider and bike. Eventually, parent & child are both proud as the child zips about by him or herself.

How do we know when we're liable to smack into a curve, versus just steering a bit wobbly?

 

[Skywatcher]

I’m starting to think that visit was a big mistake. Being put in my place about the purpose of what a therapist does was very shaming. I logically know the point of therapy. This did not help with my separation anxiety and she didn’t focus on my emotions at all. The most encouraging thing she said was at the start where she said, “you made it!” And yet I still have a week to go. I don’t know why people feel that it is helpful to have me see how important it is for the therapist to have her own life. I know that and want that for her. Knowing that doesn’t help me deal with the mess in my head. So, I am back to those thoughts that I am too annoying to deal with. That I am not worth it.

 

[Wendell_R]

Being put in my place about the purpose of what a therapist does was very shaming.

That's your trauma talking! Reading your earlier post, I don't hear her putting you in your place or shaming you. So it's helpful to recognize that those voices are from your past trauma. We can listen to those feelings & acknowledge them, but they are also painful distortions of the present. I know that dealing with those thoughts is hard. You're more than half way there! Remember what worked before in dealing with the mess in your head--breathing and pulling yourself into the present. Both of those things can help take us away from the past, and also calm down those voices from the past.

You'll make it all the way!

 

[Justmehere]

So, I am back to those thoughts that I am too annoying to deal with. That I am not worth it.

Untrue.

You are incredibly valuable and important, even when it doesn’t feel that way. :hug:

 

[Skywatcher]

@Justmehere thank you.