My Therapist Cancelled An Hour Before My Appt...

[Leigh925]

My therapist cancelled an hour before our session. It has never happened before and he said he wasn't feeling good....but if it was going to be triggering for me we could still meet but we would have a better session if we met when he was feeling better. We are meeting tomorrow instead.

He had already moved my appointment up by two hours a couple of days ago. I had to reschedule my patients and run around like a crazy woman the last two hours of work just to make it on time today.

I was frazzled and in pain (from a recent surgery) because I didn't eat and ran around without taking breaks just to be there.

Also I just got back from a vacation. I always have a hard time settling back into therapy when I get home. This time was particularly hard and so I emailed him and told him that I really was having a hard time and I needed things to be as consistent as possible. He sent back a message and said lets have a special reunion session and he would bring ice cream and give the littles something to look forward to. This was supposed to be that session.

I now have to reschedule plans for tomorrow so I can see him.

So when he asks if I am ok with it.....there is literally no way...not to be a jerk. He is sick. I am disappointed but he can't help not feeling well. So either I lie about it or I could have said I still wanted to meet but I didn't want to be a horrible, non compassionate person.

He is a person too. He is going to have bad days. It just sucks that it was today.

I usually need a few minutes to digest something so I wasn't prepared to answer him when I was in the car on my way over there. So he could tell I wasn't thrilled.

He called back a few minutes later (he is really trying so what the hell is my problem?!) and said I'm not completely incapacitated if we need to meet you can come over.

I told him that I just needed half an hour...that I had been running around to make it and had he called me even 30 minutes sooner it would have made a huge difference in how I felt....but that in an hour or so I would be fine so I would just see him tomorrow.

But I would feel like such a jerk if we had met that it would be wasting a session. I'm pissed at myself because I feel like jerk for being upset but I would have been a bigger jerk if I had gone and seriously it it only one freaking day.

I keep thinking maybe I will just take my Meds early and go to bed at like 7 so I don't have to feel the anxiety. I wish I could just not be upset about it.

I feel blessed because I read stories about other therapists and I feel like I am one of the lucky ones. It took me trying seven other therapists before I found him but I really shouldn't even be complaining. It seems very trivial. I just can't get my emotions to match my brain on this matter.

I feel so frustrated and kind of stupid for making such a big deal about it...not that he would know because I told him not to worry about it.....that way I am just a horrible person in my own brain!

Sorry to whine....I just thought I might feel better if I vented.

 

[Poofycat]

Your frustration is understandable, and I think you should talk about it when you meet tomorrow. How you deal with this frustration, and learning to communicate your disappointment and frustration to your T can be a great learning experience. My T canceled on me a few hours before our appointment a couple months ago because he was so sick he had to go to the ER. I felt pretty similar to how you do now and it wasn't pleasant. We still talk about the aftermath of that event.

 

[Leigh925]

Actually you know what the hardest things is??? Not having anyone to talk to about it because you don't feel like anyone else can understand it and I don't feel like I can talk to him about it. I am hoping someone else understand.....surely there are others with attachment and abandonment issues.

 

[Leigh925]

@Poofycat thanks for answering. We will talk about it tomorrow. He will ask for sure. I really will feel better in an hour or so. We have worked through several hard things before and we will work through this and it will be fine. I just can't seem to convince my body of that. I get Irrititable bowel symptoms when I get stressed and my stomach is cramping so bad. Yet my brain knows things are fine. It is less than 24 hours for goodness sakes.

 

[EveHarrington]

What I've recently realized is that our feelings are valid-------even if we are upset at something someone did but the other person meant no harm, even if the other person made a very human mistake and apologized profusely, even if------

Feelings are valid!

Ignoring your feelings and stuffing them down? Not good. It's ok to be upset!

Stuffing feelings will only let them fester. The resentment will come out sooner or later.

Acknowledge not only that you're upset but that it's ok to be upset.

 

[Leigh925]

Thank you so much @EveHarrington. I appreciate your perspective on this. I obviously wasn't looking at it that way.

Stuffing feelings is an old habit. I was feeling like such a horrible person for being upset but I see what you mean....I am still entitled to my feelings even if it wasn't done on purpose. I'm going to say that to myself over and over.

Thank you for you post. That is exactly what I needed to hear.

 

[EveHarrington]

You're welcome @Leigh925

I actually just made this realization a few weeks ago. I had a few different situations where the other person didn't mean to hurt me and they apologized. I logically knew they meant no harm but that didn't mean the hurt went away with an apology. I now know that it's ok to be hurt or upset. I can work through my emotions and process what I'm feeling so that I can move forward without just throwing my feelings aside like they don't matter.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd roll with what you said, here: "He is a person too. He is going to have bad days. It just sucks that it was today." and leave off or manage just about everything else.

He did give you a choice, you chose. Period.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

When I get upset, I try really hard to remind myself that it wasn't the other person's behavior that upset me, it was my baggage that caused me to be upset. This kind of objectifies the issue for me.

 

[scout86]

I am disappointed but he can't help not feeling well.

Rather than "lying" or "being a jerk", you could actually have told him what you said right there. That's a great response.

I think I'd have felt the same way you do a year ago. Less so now, but I'd be disappointed. (Especially if there was ice cream involved!)

 

[Leigh925]

He did give you a choice, you chose. Period.

You are right! I just didn't like how the either of the choices made me feel. I was feeling guilty about my reaction to those choices as much as I was upset about having to choose. I have gone 8 months without self harm. I know where my brain goes when I feel like I need to be punished or when I am concerned about being rejected so I wanted to vent about it before I went there. I chose the one I could live with most. But I did choose.

When I get upset, I try really hard to remind myself that it wasn't the other person's behavior that upset me, it was my baggage that caused me to be upset. This kind of objectifies the issue for me.

I love this. You are so right about that. I wrote it down in my journal so I can read it often. I think I need to. It is a great strategy.

I feel much better. Although he has since texted me and changed the appointment yet again. I just keep telling myself that we have had hundreds of positive interactions and a couple of challenging ones don't really define our work together and aren't a rejection of me.

Earlier I just couldn't get my emotions to catch up with what my mind already knows. But I'm there now. Thanks for the help everyone.

 

[sun seeker]

surely there are others with attachment and abandonment issues.

Me, me!

I get it. How you are feeling, how you are judging how you are feeling, how you want to go to bed early and not feel...

I agree, tell him what you just told us. He sounds like he can handle it, and it could be a healing experience for you.

I smiled to read about the ice cream party! Hope it works out when he is feeling better.