My therapist has decided that my husband is a good man

[Gs172003]

The problem isnt that my husband is abusive, it's that she made the call so quick. If she did that for me who else is she doing that for?

 

[digger]

it's that she made the call so quick.

Is she basing that solely on her meetings with him though, or also on conversations you've had with her about him/your relationship over the course of your therapy?

 

[Mee]

The problem isnt that my husband is abusive, it's that she made the call so quick. If she did that for m...

For clients or in life in general or both?

I think your question is valid . I just am trying to pinpoint where your concern is :)

 

[Suzetig]

How long have you been working with her, she may have formed that opinion over however many sessions where you’ve talked about him and her experience of meeting him. She may have been round the block a few times and got a good feel about your husband as a person and seeing your relationship with him. We all make fairly quick appraisals of people, first impressions etc and she works with people for a living so will have an instinct about people.

Besides which, does it really matter whether her sense of him is formed over two sessions or two decades? It doesn’t mean all of her assessments are quick or that she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

 

[EveHarrington]

The problem isnt that my husband is abusive, it's that she made the call so quick. If she did that for m...

That’s exactly what I was saying but you didn’t understand my point.

 

[barefoot]

I’d agree with some others here - I think it’s likely that she’s formed an impression of him both through what you have told her about him and by meeting him those couple of times.

How many times of meeting him would it take for you to feel ok for her to make a judgement about him? I get that her meeting him just twice feels quick to you but, you know, whether it was 10 times, 20, 100 times...she isn’t going to really know him and she has to just get an impression and base it on whatever she sees/hears.

Sounds like this has dented your trust in her?

 

[Gs172003]

I

I’d agree with some others here - I think it’s likely that she’s formed an impression of him bot...

It may have. I'm not sure where she has gotten her conclusion from.

For clients or in life in general or both?

I think your question is valid . I just am trying to pinpoi...

With clients

 

[Mee]

I

With clients

I think then it’s from therapy sessions

I understand your concern though and I would say it’s fair to raise them because who knows who is minimising behaviour or making things up.

One of my violators is in therapy . I know this but he also told me he had spent some considerable time in therapy previously. I asked my therapist how therapists discerned if their clients were honest. Because the idea of him sitting there lying was falling to me. We talked about it a bit and discussed how people are deceptive on purpose and not on purpose and how therapist subconscious bias was also an issue .

I think even that you have concern about it says something quite conscientious about you.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Zoogal I don't think this opinion by your therapist should cause you to lose confidence. Your T made the comment on the basis of what you have mentioned or not mentioned and how he presented. The first impression's your T made of your husband might have fell in line with what she considers to be a decent kind of man.

Good therapists as @Suzetig mentioned who have been around long enough can make fairly accurate appraisals in a short period of time. We all do if we have lived long enough really. But even if it is biased, skewed or even totally distorted it is just a first impression.

What were you expecting she would say about your husband? In depth analysis takes time & a lot of consults.

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal I don't think this opinion by your therapist should cause you to lose c...

I guess I didn't expect her to say anything

 

[Sideways]

If someone were to say to me, “He’s a good man,” it wouldn’t actually mean all that much. It’s an incredibly general statement, yeah?

Thinking about that statement in purely black/white terms, it takes on a pretty scary significance. Like saying the person is flawless and saintlike.

But it’s unlikely that your T is coming from a purely black/white perspective. She didn’t say he’s perfect, or flawless. Or even “great” for that matter. He’s just, well, good.

So ultimately, describing him as a “good man” means that she doesn’t think he’s a bad man, or an evil man, or a toxic man - her opinion is that overall, he’s “good”. Nothing more, nothing less. Ts generally have a pretty good understanding that individuals are complex, and that we can have huge flaws, but that doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person.

I’m not sure that I’d leap to the conclusion that your T has summed up your husbands entire character as completely and utterly and flawlessly ‘good’. Just that, to the extent that she knows him so far, she thinks that he’s overall a good guy, rather than a terrible person, or an abusive person...

Do you think it’s possible that you’re putting more significance into her statement than perhaps she intended? Or perhaps seeing it in black/white good/evil terms when it maybe wasn’t intended that way?

 

[shimmerz]

So if he is a good man, does that make her possibly biased? Do you feel lesser if he is a good man?

I think I would let her know that that statement has you spinning a bit so that you can explore what that means to you and why the reaction.