My Therapist Totally Just Traumatized Me

[Abstract]

difficult

I do very much agree with you Kas.

Lets hope that this therapist will be able to do what is most helpful for Leah. And that Leah will be able to get that from her. No matter what Leah decides is best for her in the long term. I know for me that that is always very helpful as each interaction in t has an affect on our general trust levels and not just that particular relationship. It also has an affect on how we feel about us in relationships and about therapy in general. So any amount of resolution is a positive thing I think.

I think part of what we learn from T is how to manage relationships. How to be assertive when things go wrong. How to attempt to resolve things. And how to figure out when we need to move on. Or how to express what we need to even when we do need to move on.

That is all separate to the other stuff of course. The getting back what Leah has had damaged. I guess its all about taking one small step at a time and not jumping ahead too much.

and that you will make this right

Leah I think you expressed yourself very well. And I hope that once the dust has settled that this can all improve for you as much as is possible. Just one extra question. Is she a trauma T and does she have a specific trauma qualification? Hoping you managed to get some rest.

 

[Leah123]

Have you though about giving you T a link to this thread so they can see really from an external view how this has, is and will continue to affect you

I did offer to give her a link, actually, in my email last night. Told her if she cared enough that she might learn something from it, because I couldn't manage it on my own.

My therapist is trying, I just have a very hard time with mixed apologies. I was sorry, you needed to hear what I said, I just had bad timing. That's how I'm interpreting the reply she wrote me. I think I needed to hear that I was taking my father to bed with my husband as much as I needed to be pushed off a cliff to see if I might sprout wings. It wasn't kind language, it wasn't considerate, it wasn't helpful, not one bit.

How does she not know that I already deeply sense my father's presence in my own personal space. She perhaps has no idea how it is to have to create the mental distance, and how it is callous, at best, to make the kind of pronouncement she did. I wish she would have let me reveal these things, not.... push me, not force the confrontation that should be done with the greatest care. I have a right to my choices, my defenses, to work on them carefully.

Is she a trauma T and does she have a specific trauma qualification? Hoping you managed to get some rest.

She has dealt with clients with PTSD, that's all I know.
What I managed, was to use a LOT of energy fighting her picture. It was a mixed night, but... what's one more. :(

 

[Pencil]

Leah, I don't think your therapist is mean or bad. I do think what she said was terribly gauche. And for that she has to apologize. If she can't, you'll have to move on.

 

[Leah123]

Does she maybe feel you are still resistant to looking at the trauma and that she is concerned about your safety at present. Just thinking that she she may feel that it is essential for your wellbeing to get through the denial about how the trauma is impacting on your present life. That the only way to truly get it out of your relationships is to process it. Do you think that sounds like a possible motivation for her?

I didn't feel up to replying to this yesterday, but I wanted to acknowledge that I think you're pretty accurate in your interpretation. But.... we're working our way through the alphabet here, and my feeling is that we were at about.... E when she jumped to W. I have chosen to deal with it- it is I that brought it up, many times, which I'm sure you appreciate is not pleasant, not rewarding at this point, but I have been trying very hard to work on it!!! I told her- she could be right, she could own her experience and insight, but without having to bulldoze me with them, basically.

 

[Pencil]

TIMING and TITRATION are two very important core concepts in trauma therapy.

 

[Leah123]

She apologized, said she made a mistake, in a long letter. To her credit, she spent a lot of time on it, and replied in great detail. But I am not convinced that she believes she was wrong, rather that she's just sorry it hurt. I fear she doesn't see how traumatizing and disrespectful her approach was. I'll have to think on it again later, I'm beyond hurt right now.

But here's what I had to say in response to a stupid comment she made:

She said: "my mistake may be a ultimate key to your healing"

That's disgusting. To try and make your screwup into something healing. Should I thank my father raping me for my ability to function without sleep? We don't heal because of mistakes, but in spite of them, because of how we deal with them. At some point, I'm going to stop being hurt and upset out of my mind, and deal with it rationally. But you've given me nothing helpful, I don't need more stupid lemons to make lemonade with XXXXXXXX."

 

[Abstract]

She has dealt with clients with PTSD,

I am glad she is at least trying. But I have to say what has concerned me is that the fact that she made the mistake in the first place probably means she is going to struggle to understand what it truly means for you. You will decide what is right, yourself, as you you work through this but I have to say that I will never ever go to another therapist that does not specialise in trauma. If it was me I would want to know how many people she has treated with PTSD and if she has any special training in it. I have been seriously badly affected by therapists who did not and mostly just from the accumulated affects of not being understood at all, not recognising what I was dealing with. And mostly messing up and not being able to apologise at all (one incident after 8 solid months of trying to resolve it - big mistake and very damaging).

I didn't feel up to replying to this yesterday,

I can totally see why. I guess I could see that that could be a motivation. That she feels the effects of the trauma are so bad and affecting you in such ways that you are in denial about and she was knocking you over the head to try to move you forward. Thinking the ends justified the means. She made a big mistake! Its a bit like shooting someone who has been traumatised by a shooting in order to move them forward! She messed up big time.

ultimate key

Ridiculous. Ignorant.

Even the concept of pushing you through using shock therapy seems to be something you did not want (seeing as you have said that you did not want CBT to me that goes with it). Some pushing may be needed at times but how much.

Just because she had a well intentioned motivation does not mean that it makes it any more OK.

My biggest concern for you is two fold: A. is if she is truly well enough qualified in trauma. B is if she is actually used to using a CBT approach. If she is then I find that regardless of agreeing that they are not going to go down that road that it always creeps in. Fine for those that find it helpful but not those of us who don't. Personally I would want to know how much CBT she usually uses in therapy.

 

[Leah123]

My therapist said I had to tell my husband, to make our life better. I told him, just now. It went very badly. :(

 

[Abstract]

tell my husband

Tell him what Leah?

 

[Leah123]

Well, she said that telling him "how" my father abused me would improve our sex life because it would improve our emotional intimacy. (So sick writing these things.) I already told my husband, right off the bat, when we were getting serious in our relationship, that my dad abused me sexually. I never kept secrets from my husband. But... I didn't tell him the gory details, I mean.... partly, I don't feel the need, and partly, I very much want to keep my life w/my husband and my life w/my father separate. Sex and abuse are different!!! So, but, we had a problem today, and I felt I had to tell him why I was upset, so I told him about what my therapist said, about my dad and him in bed together. It'll be ok, but... it was terrible for me, didn't go great. I'm just... it's just a bad weekend, that's all. Y'all know I'm short on perspective. I hope things settle more soon. Thank you all for helping me. Your help pretty much got me through this hard time or it would've been 10x worse.

 

[safenow]

Leah, In my thinking, she was wrong to tell you to discuss that with your husband. Now he has that crap going around in his mind as well.

I would not want to have your therapist working with me. I'd end up worse than I am. I so agree with you that Sex and Abuse are two different things. Very much so.

I'm sending you safe, gentle hugs from a great auntie. Psst. that's me.

safenow

 

[Leah123]

Thank you. I'm too upset now, now that you said that. I feel bad telling him. I feel like... I shouldn't do anything right now, my judgement is so bad. I hope I didn't make it worse. :(