My therapist's toes

[digger]

Hi @Moo - I've merged your update with your original post so that people can see the initial issue alongside it too.

 

[Friday]

I though about emailing him and telling him all this. But what if I go back there and he forgets again. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to keep reminding him. It's hard enough talking about a disability the first time.

1. The first time is usually the hardest. Not always, sometimes things compound the next couple times, but most things -including standing up for yourself, or being honest in difficult situations- get easier with practice.

But what if I go back there and he forgets again. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to keep reminding him.

2. Carts & Horses. Reminding someone all the time, is different -and miles ahead- from reminding them once. It’s easy to jump into the idea that if you have to do something once... then 1000x. Remind him. If it becomes a thing? Reevaluate AFTER it happens, not before.

 

[Sideways]

@Moo - do it again. Just remind him. Doesn’t nedd to be confrontational. If you overthink this, your head is going to turn this into a massive problem. Don’t let that happen.

You got this. This T is a keeper:)

 

[UnicornSightings]

Nah. Just remind him. Therapists are human. He will remember eventually and it’s good for you to talk to him about this. Expressing your needs and all that.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Or hell, just email him. “Hey, remember when I told you about the toe trigger? You did it again in session and it made me uncomfortable.”

What do you do with your feet btw? Therapists are supposed to mirror us and that includes body language. If my t put his feet up I’d be like “dude wtf, this isn’t your living room” lol!

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Or hell, just email him. “Hey, remember when I told you about the toe trigger? You did it a...

I usually sit cross legged on his couch and sometimes I let my feet hang. Yeah it bothers me that he puts his feet up too. In general he has a relaxed attitude about things. His cell is never on silent either.. He has to put it on silent almost everytime after he gets a text or smth. SUPER annoying.

He's just so good in the actual therapy work that I try to ignore all the annoying things. Except for the toes.

I thought about emailing him, but I'm worried about hurting his feelings or making things awkward. What's the most gentle wording I can use to remind him but at the same time make it clear that if he doesn't stop, it's going to cause me to stop coming cause it's triggering the heck out of me?

 

[Sideways]

make it clear that if he doesn't stop, it's going to cause me to stop coming cause it's triggering the heck out of me?

Okay, let’s try and keep this real. What you’re saying here is: if he doesn’t fix this toe thing, then that’s more important than my recovery with a T that I actually think is helpful.

Really?

What if he decides to work with you on the toes thing? Still a deal breaker? Still more important than your recovery? You’re going to let his toes stop your progress?

I get triggers like this. Really, I do. Beards. When a guy is talking to me through a beard, it triggers flashbacks and the physical sensation that my abuser’s beard is scratching on my skin.

Other weird physical stuff? That doesn’t trigger a ptsd response like that and isn’t specificly linked to your trauma - that’s a stressor. Language is important because it changes the way you deal with it.

But even then, honestly? Good Ts are hard to come by. You and I both have first hand experience there, yeah? So even if my T grew a beard? Like hell I would say to “Lose the beard or I walk”. Because a good trauma T is worth working through the issue with.

So, how would you propose to word the email? Give it a go. This is a great place to practice and get some feedback...

 

[UnicornSightings]

Okay, let’s try and keep this real. What you’re saying here is: if he doesn’t fix...

I love this response. That’s a really great point. Do you even need the behavior to change or is it something you want to work on handling better?

My new t texted me. I panicked. He texted about scheduling but I freaked out thinking he would text all the time. Has to do with other people in my past not respecting the boundaries I never told them about. So I told him to not text me, that i would prefer to email, like my last therapist. Then I thought about it. How silly. So I had a moment of panic. So what. I told him the next time about it and said I don’t want to be controlled by things. That I want to instead work on my reactions to them. I find with him specifically I want to control other things and think it has a lot to do with how NOT in control I feel there. Maybe not your issue but thought I’d throw that out there. Either way, whether you tell him or work on your feelings with his toes, they’re both good options. Just don’t run. Please. You’ll regret that.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I'm not going to run but the trigger is going to affect my therapy work if I continue. Part of sensorimotor therapy is encoding positive feelings in the body. For example if I tell my T I feel evil and he says things that make me feel good about myself and changes my perspective, he encodes that experience by asking me how I feel inside. I'm supposed to be in a relaxed space for that to work. If Im stressing in the back of my mind about toes it won't work as well.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Then definitely tell him!

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Last time I mentioned the trigger, we did work with it. Hello we're his feet then raised then slowly and asked me to tell him to stop. He asked me to day it louder and louder until I sounded assertive enough.

If someone is afraid of spiders you don't just make them hold one for 50 minutes, you expose them slowly. Him forgetting about my trigger was unprofessional and I'm not happy about that.

 

[Friday]

I thought about emailing him, but I'm worried about hurting his feelings or making things awkward. What's the most gentle wording I can use

You don’t have to be gentle, because he doesn’t have a toe thing. His feelings surrounding toes are going to be entirely different than your feelings surrounding toes.

Don’t believe me? And it can be hard to, I know, but pick something you don’t care about. Legal envelopes or black bobby-pins or something. Anything you usually have with you that you don’t give a rip about. They aren’t personal, special, important, or difficult in any way for you. You just happened to grab that size envelope, or that color bobby-pin from the store. Would someone need to be super gentle in their approach? Because envelopes & bobby-pins are so emotionally charged? They wouldn’t, right? Because for you, threyre not these no-good very-bad terrible :eek: things. They’re just things. Toes freak you out, but they don’t freak him out. He’s going to feel entirely differently about toes than you do.

but at the same time make it clear that if he doesn't stop, it's going to cause me to stop coming cause it's triggering the heck out of me?

what @Ragdoll Circus said

I'm not going to run but the trigger is going to affect my therapy work if I continue.

That would be part of why being honest about things, as they are, is important.