General My vet wants to enter restaurant first - asking for advice

[Ronin]

He is much faster now then he used to be. I do not think he became more effective. It is just that he is obsessing less about things he is worried about - but I think he cannot currently get any faster or more laid back because he is to worried - especially at this time of year.

I think you answered your cannot get faster question... as in his what you term obsession. :sneaky: So if it's his head that is slowing him down, and rumination, and too many *possible* risks he can think of - he could narrow it down.

Curb the what ifs, get the most likely to go on and check those *only*. OR check all but in shorter time each, so every check don't drag. Practice.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Really great suggestions here! I also have had to work on this a lot, so thanks for asking for suggestions.
As I understand it, there’s a bit of a time crunch for you. Boyo won’t be able to increase his skill set in time for this social outing, am I right? But he can set it as a goal to work on, can use tricks like what @Friday suggested to be able to do it on the fly. He might not be ready to involve you in that process yet, but if you know what he needs you can perhaps discreetly support him thru it (which you do every day already I’m sure!)

So back to the possible options for your friends....and I’m sorry if my questions/ideas don’t consider the cultural component for you.
- do you want to build a friendship with this couple or are you just ‘doing the socially responsible thing’?
- are vets a welcome group in your culture or somewhat frowned upon?
- how well does the couple know you and boyo....are you ok with them knowing just a little bit more personal info?

Where I am, many who don’t know the military still accept that soldiers have a different way of seeing the world and interacting with it. Maybe your friends would understand....not saying tell them everything, or even that your husband has any issue at all. I don’t share that I have ptsd with anyone, but if I have to go out for dinner....I build my ops plan - one step is gathering intel.
Maybe you or husband have dietary restrictions, and that doesn’t need to be true by the way (or you’re just on a special diet ‘right now’ and would like to check the menu options) then he can advance the place before the dinner.

How’s the transport plan? Driving? Transit? Taxi? You could narrow down the restaurant that way - “we’d like to park near the restaurant” (if walking from movie to dinner)
Most people always understand my need to plan things - I say it’s so we don’t run into anything inconvenient or unexpected. So even if taking transit or taxi the info about where the restaurant is could be obtained by asking the right questions.

Sorry this is a bit long winded....I hope some of it was helpful.

 

[Withoutnameplease]

@Ronin Yes, it is is head that is slowing him down... but he has ptsd. What do you expect?
@Warrior Chicken They are not close friends of ours, just people we know. Guy had a problem vet could help with, so he did. The guy is vet but this is not the reason why we are friends with the family. However guy is a vet, but still doesn’t seem to understand some vets hate to be invited to restaurants. He knows boyo was discharged because of medical reasons but he didn’t ask any further questions. For a while we thought he might know. Now I do think it is not very likely that he knows or he would be cruel to invite him to a restaurant.
Boyo thinks it is okay if he figures but he is not gonna tell them and he is not gonna discuss it with him. Boyo is not gonna tell him if he is afraid of anything. It’s not the way he is.
Boyo understand that there is the possibility that guy is checking the restaurants but that doesn’t feel safe enough for him.

 

[Mee]

@Ronin Yes, it is is head that is slowing him down... but he has ptsd. What do you expect?
@Warrior Chicken They are not close friends of ours, just people we know. Guy had a problem vet could help with, so he did. The guy is vet but this is not the reason why we are friends with the family. However guy is a vet, but still doesn’t seem to understand some vets hate to be invited to restaurants. He knows boyo was discharged because of medical reasons but he didn’t ask any further questions. For a while we thought he might know. Now I do think it is not very likely that he knows or he would be cruel to invite him to a restaurant.
Boyo thinks it is okay if he figures but he is not gonna tell them and he is not gonna discuss it with him. Boyo is not gonna tell him if he is afraid of anything. It’s not the way he is.
Boyo understand that there is the possibility that guy is checking the restaurants but that doesn’t feel safe enough for him.

Re cruelty and inviting to a restaurant... some people with ptsd don’t find this difficult. I know two ex service women in particular who have fantastic social lives despite PTSD. So he may or may not have guessed but not think a restaurant is the difficulty.

Similarly i’m Super impressed your guy can cope with cinemas! For me they are incredibly ‘dangerous’ environments.

Even here where we all have ptsd or some support ptsd sufferers I have noted that what we can tolerate is sometimes astonishingly different or remarkably similar regardless of its cause. People cannot know really I think.

 

[Withoutnameplease]

My vet can cope with cinemas if he has been there before and has a choice in where he is going to sit and can leave when he wants. He actually enjoys them now and then, but I want to be honest here: we are not really going to them movies in this case.
We are going to do something very different but I don’t want to say what and I did not want to mention this here because I was afraid they might read it and know it was them. So I just wrote that we were going to go to the movies as a random thing many people enjoy and because it does not really matter here where we are going before. After I has posted I realized that writing: My vet goes to the movies ? was a stupid thing to do because many with ptsd struggle with that but then I had to stick with it because otherwise it would have looked stupid. Well, now it looks even more stupid...
However have you tried going to a smaller movie theatre, one that you know and knowing where you are going to sit before?

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Very true @Mee had I not found this forum I would be far less informed and tolerant of the many different ways we are affected by ptsd. I would also be more stuck myself and less accepting that some days are just worse than others.

Now that you mention cinema....I haven’t been in over 6 years cuz that place just sets me off - dark, loud, if you don’t arrive early you’re screwed for seating, exits are kill funnels in most cinemas, no viable position of advantage, you get the idea I’m sure....

@withoutnameplease I hope your guy is able to come up with a plan that he’ll be comfortable with, but if he can’t and still wants to go.....it would be a good idea for him to come up with a plan to manage his reaction. So many times it’s the unexpected or unknown that throws us off, i find if a plan is made, then I know there’s a strategy available.
I may not be able to access my plan to deal with a major trigger if it shows up because my brain goes into survival mode and logic goes out the window. If your husband is comfortable sharing part of the plan with you, then you might be able to help. Whatever his reactions are you likely notice them because you’re with him more than others. If he says it’s ok for you to A) politely call an end to the evening cuz you’re not feeling well B) ask him to grab something from the car - so he can calm his nerves C) come up with a codes or signals to leave, take a break, or things are manageable.

If any of this works for you, great. If not, ignore it ?

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Sorry, posted at the same time and no....nothing you wrote is stupid in my opinion

had to stick with it because otherwise it would have looked stupid. Well, now it looks even more stupid...

 

[Mee]

My vet can cope with cinemas if he has been there before and has a choice in where he is going to sit and can leave when he wants. He actually enjoys them now and then, but I want to be honest here: we are not really going to them movies in this case.
We are going to do something very different but I don’t want to say what and I did not want to mention this here because I was afraid they might read it and know it was them. So I just wrote that we were going to go to the movies as a random thing many people enjoy and because it does not really matter here where we are going before. After I has posted I realized that writing: My vet goes to the movies ? was a stupid thing to do because many with ptsd struggle with that but then I had to stick with it because otherwise it would have looked stupid. Well, now it looks even more stupid...
However have you tried going to a smaller movie theatre, one that you know and knowing where you are going to sit before?

It’s not stupid. It’s ok. It makes sense. Anonymous usage is advised here.

It doesn’t change my point :).

For me cinemas aren’t hugely necessary. Working on socialising is. I did two things I find difficult last week... unknown restaurant and someone else’s car ( other than taxi). What we can do changes. Others might not even think about the car issue - it relates particularly for me to a traumatic experience and trust / control.

Are you also getting support? Being a supporter must be very difficult- I worry about my husband a lot. My husband’s grounding in a non PTSD reality helps me a lot.

 

[Withoutnameplease]

My vet has to socialize a lot the December and the following January and he is already stressed and sighs whenever he talks about this. He did something that stressed him out only a few days ago and already had to plan for the next stuff.

@Warrior Chicken: Thanks for the advice. Where we live it is possible to reserve a seat in a movie theatre online or via phone. If you do this early enough you can choose whatever seat you want. You also do not have to wait in line to get a ticket but can have an electronic ticket on your mobile phone. May be you can do this where you life too.
@Mee You can be very proud of yourself for doing those two things you found difficult

 

[Withoutnameplease]

It’s btw not the socializing what he hates but the stuff that comes with socializing. He likes meeting other people but dislikes the other stuff such as crowds.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

That’s a great system!! Being able to select and reserve seats in advance and not wait in line! Awesome indeed. I’m not sure if that’s an option here, I’ll look. thanks!

 

[jade53]

What and Who does it hurt?