Supporter Wife Of An Iraq War Vet- Please Help!!!!

[WatkinsGirl]

Dear Paranoid10;

I completely hear what you are saying, but now he won't speak to me. We had an emergency marriage counseling session where he basically told the therapist that I am an alcoholic, and that is the only problem. Just me.

I am not an alcoholic in the traditional sense. However, i can abuse alchol when I am in a social setting I can let myself get carried away. He met me in college, and this has always been the case. But now, when I drink, he will interrogate me, and inevitably because I have been drinking, my filter isn't affixed nice and tight. And I let some of the hurt and resentment pour out. He doesn't think he has a problem.

He still doesn't want me in the house, which is legally completely unfounded, but I figured would give him space. so, after the counseling session I went back to my parent's house, then I went out with friends for dinner. I drank a little, but then started to feel very strange. I asked my friend to drive me home, because I didn't think I should, and we decided to go back to my house. I tried calling hiim multiple times to let him know we were on our way, and that I needed my medicine.

When I got there he was furious. How dare you drink, etc. I told him I had no where else to go because my dad was being weird, and then he screamed that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him, that I was a pathetic and unbelievable. He said that he wished he had never met me. He was yelling, I was standing next to our closet and he made me hand him the rifle in the closet so that I "didn't go and stupidly shoot myself".

The next morning I was still not feeling right ( I have a heart condition), I tried to ask him for a ride to the hospital, he said no, I don't even believe you, and get the f away from my truck. I was stunned, and I didn't move, I begged, please, can you just drive me to the hospital? I am having chest pain. He said, no, call 911 if it is really that bad, and just tell me what hospital you go to, and then he picked me up under my arms and tossed me into the house.

He came to the hospital, and was very nice there. I actually didn't even think that he would be coming. He didn't want to give me a ride there, why would he come? My sister was there, so I think that was the only reason that he was at all kind to me.He did bring some medicines out to my parent's house when I asked for them, but said that when he get to the house, no one was to come out and he would not come in. He would drop them off and then call from his truck once he had left.

He doesn't want to see or speak to me. He told me I couldn't cook the turkey at our house, and I would have to figure something else out. I texted him "Happy Thanksgiving, I love you." Radio silence.

The level of hate he is showing me is something that one would reserve for a complete pariah. You would think that I had just walked in the door and told him that I had been intimate with the entire homeless population of New York City. It is unfathomable. I have to admit, I didn't even want to schedule my next counseling session (I have to do an individual history session apart from our joint sessions). I am actually kind of pissed off that he would act like this.

And to be very honest, while I am still hearbroken and confused, I think it is pretty low to refuse your wife a ride to the hospital. And I hardly think that I am the worst thing that ever happened to him, afterall, there was Iraq. That had to be worse.

I am just in a whole lot of pain, sleeping in my highschool room on a twin sized bed(sucks). And I have no idea what the right answer is. I don't know what to do. I am at a total loss.

 

[WatkinsGirl]

I just wanted to let you know that people like you renew my faith in the world.

Thank you for that, you made me feel like I am not completely worthless.

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear WatkinsGirl,
From what you have described to me, this whole situation seems wrong. For reasons that I don't know, (without actually speaking with him), I can't tell you what is wrong with him. There is one thing very apparent though. He wants nothing to do with you. I don't know if this is because of something that you have actually done or because of something that he PERCEIVES that you have done.

I hate to be the one to tell you this but here it goes. Unless some act of God happens in the near future, I think it's over for you two. If he can't do something as simple as take you to a hospital in your time of need, what makes you think that this relationship will actually work or be beneficial? A relationship is a two way street and from what I am seeing, you are the only one who really gives a damn. If I were in your shoes, I would cut the rope holding you two together and start thinking about moving on with life. I know that is probably something that you didn't want to hear right now. But I'm trying to be as honest as I can with you and save you from something that may seem even worse in reality if you were to try to stay with him. Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[WatkinsGirl]

Dear Paranoid10-

I completely agree with you. That's the hard part. I know that this is absolutely ridiculous. I told my parents that I couldn't understand how someone could refuse to drive their spouse to the hospital. With all the eggshell walking, I typically can't figure out what I could have possibly done since Tuesday (where he surprised me with a candle light dinner) until today. I appreciate that he was upset that I came home late, but I have done that before and it hasn't ever ignited a fight like this. Often times, since he works the night shift, if come home late from being out with friends, he will say, :"Oh, well you're already up so will you have a snack with me and watch this thing I saved on tivo for you?"

So why this set him off is beyond me. I can't figure it out. And I can't figure out all of the "I wish I had never met you" and " you are the worst thing that ever happened to me". It is really hurtful, but I just keep telling myself that this isn't him, this is the PTSD.Anyone reading this story must be thinking: " Oh, well there must be something that she isn't telling us".

Nope, that's it. As I said above, our worst fight until this most recent one was the middle of a Sunday afternoon, no one was drinking a drop, and it was started over clipping the dogs toenails. She struggled, and he got frustrated and he said that's it , its over. when I asked him what was over, he said our marriage. I was like, you're kidding, right? I mean you can't really mean that, and I sort of sarcastically looked at him and said, ok, so our marriage is over, care to tell me why?

And he whirled around and looked at me and yellled, because I don't love you anymore. I haven't for a long time.

But I am having a hard time believing that. Like you pointed out. I have no reason to lie. I said everything in my introduction. But I am reaching my breaking point, this is getting out of control.

Is there any hope if he got treatment? What is going on? Am I totally off base? Is it not PTSD?

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear WatkinsGirl,
I want to clarify something. It is very true that people with PTSD have a myriad of symptoms and issues that are unique according to that person's experience. However, as hard as it may be to cope with those symptoms and issues, it doesn't give anyone a "license" to do what ever they want to. Just because people have PTSD, it doesn't mean that they are insane either. If that were the case, we all would be institutionalized.

The reality of the present moment is this. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Now that is not to say that later on down the road that he might change his mind and want you back. But until that point, he has not only stated but also shown that he doesn't care about you. Under the situation you described, (not taking you to the hospital), I think it shows that he could be a potentially dangerous individual. (I could think of a truckload of "what if" situations) But consider this.....What if you would have had a serious medical emergency, such as a heart attack or stroke? Would he have just left you laying there to die? There are times when I get pissed off at my spouse, (i think everyone does at one time or another), but if she were ever in danger physically, emotionally, healthwise or whatever, you bet your ass that I would be there to bail her out. Regardless of my anger issue. Why? You may ask?

As the Alpha Male in my household, I understand that it is my duty to protect every member of my clan. I have an obligation and responsibility to them to ensure it happens.

Aside from that, there is the matter of basic human compassion. If I saw someone who was in a serious problem on the streets, I would do what I could to intervene. Even if that intervention was just a simple phone call to the appropriate emergency personnel. At least I am doing something to help.

Finally, I took an oath when I said " I do." Part of that oath was to "love" and "protect". To me it should be part of human nature. Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[WatkinsGirl]

Dear Paranoid10;

So, is there anything I should be doing to help him now? I have moved back to my parent's place, and I haven't contacted him other than via that text message. I have the dog and the cat, so he is alone in our house. I was going to pick up a bed from the guest room to take out here so that I don't have to sleep on the twin sized bed anymore, but I am going to wait until he goes to work.

I have my "individual history session" on Monday, and I sent him an email showing the confirmed appointment. But I am lost from here.

I guess I just am searching for a"why" that no one can answer, probably not even himself. I don't know where this emotional shut down and this borderline cruelty is coming from. I feel hated.

I, like you, took vows. In sickness and in health. I have been telling myself that he is just sick. But, maybe that's not it. Maybe he just doesn't love me.

I just feel lost, and I have no idea what to do.

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear WatkinsGirl,
If he is unwilling to communicate, unwilling to seek help and unwilling to interact, there is nothing you can do. It doesn't mean that you should stop loving that person. You can only be there when he makes the decision on his own that he is ready for help. What is the preverbial saying? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink? Same thing applies here.

Right now, the best thing you can do is get your life in order to make you a stronger individual. You had said your mom was in bad health and you were having some stress in your job. Refocus your energy on these things so that you can function better. Additionally, take time out to care for you. Sometimes, caregivers can get so wrapped up in doing the things they do, that they forget about taking care of themselves. I know, I used to be a medic.

Finally, do not blame yourself for this. It is not your fault. You have, (in my opinion), done everything and more to try to rectify this problem. That's the best advice I know to give. Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[WatkinsGirl]

Dear Paranoid10-

Thank you so much for all of your help. I really appreciate your guidance, input, and respectful cautioning. Forgive me for unloading more, but you have been so helpful and insightful I welcome all of your input. I am desperate for guidance.

I just have just have a few more questions. First, you said that I shouldn't show him my panic. Why is that? As my spouse, I want to show him my true emotions. Part of my whole problem is that I consistently screw on the "crest smile" and say that everything is fine. However, all of that hurt, stress and pain that I push inside has to come out.

The stress that I am dealing with is multifaceted. My grandmother died this summer, and I discovered that she was being mistreated by her nursing home. I lost a friend to an Apache crash in OEF this summer. My heart condition and blood disorder is obnoxious. My job includes a very intense work environment with long hours, demanding clients and controlling management. I likely have needed a career change for some time, despite the fact that I love the area of law that I practice. Sadly, it is just not the right firm for me. But my career search has been placed on hold, due to my mother's health. My mother was diagnosed with frontotemporal degenerative disorder, which is essentially a very rare form of early onset dementia. She's only 58. Since I am an elderlaw attorney, I deal everyday with the necessary legal, financial, and, long term care planning for those with disabilities. Since I have had the clients, I know that my mother will go from a walking interactive person to someone with the cognitive functioning of a dependent toddler within the next three years. She will lose all speech in four years and in five years require nursing home care. Eventually her body will forget how to even perform basic life functions, and she will not be able to breath on her own. Ultimately, her body will simply shut down and she will pass away roughly five or six years from now. I have the cruel burden of knowing precisely what the future holds. Her diagnoses was about two or three weeks ago.

(As an aside, if one more person coyly states: " Well, you know what they say. That which doesn't kill 'ya......." I will smack them in the face with my shillelagh. Seriously folks, it’s getting old. Every time someone says, “Well, things can only get better from here!” or “Well, nothing else can go wrong!” something inevitably happens. The next thing around the corner is the certain to be the zombie apocalypse. I just know it:) )

I really needed my husband to be there for me. If he couldn't be there for me emotionally, (which I completely understand) I needed him to at least just be neutral. Instead, he interrogated me when I walked in the door late from an event. Was I blameless? No, but, I think that given the pressures that I am dealing with that I an entitled to a little mercy. Instead, I feel like he saw me standing on a cliff and instead of reaching for my hand he took away my life line. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, and right now I am worse. Kicking me out of the house at a time like this is really heartbreaking, and I just need to be under his wing, not in his sights.

So that's my first question, why can't I show him that I really am panicked? What does that feel like to someone with PTSD and depression? What reaction does that trigger? Is this perhaps the reason why he is so angry with me?

My next question is a little more personal, but, I have to ask. If you don't have an answer, that's ok, because as you said, everyone is different. After the first deployment (before there were any issues with the interference of a third party into our marriage) he was very disinterested in sexual contact. He was always able to be very loving and kind with simple PDAs, but showed little to no interest in actual sex. This of course was further complicated and frustrated after the second deployment, but nonetheless, it was an issue after the first, so I know that is not exclusively my fault. If I made advancements, he would seem annoyed and reject me. Eventually I stopped asking, because it was too hurtful to be rejected on a daily basis. The excuses were different over time, first it was that he just didn't want to, then it was he couldn't bring himself be intimate with me after the other person. Then it took a hurtful turn and he told me maybe if I got more serious about exercise and lost weight he might feel like having sex, because he felt that "I had really let myself go". This really hurt because I have never been heavy, and at most gained 15 pounds. He had gained 30-40 after he came back. Regardless, I have lost even more weight and am the same as I was when we met 12 years ago. I am 5'1 and a size 4. But now, he just doesn't want to. He will get angry if I ask further questions and say :" There is nothing wrong with me, I work just fine." I have read that this is a common side effect of PTSD, but I am trying to separate the wheat from the chaff; to ascertain what is a symptom and what isn't.

Maybe this final one is a question that only I can answer after time, but I have no one to ask. How do I keep from giving up? After the dust settled from our last brutal fight, I am so wounded that I really don't want to come back for more. I understand being angry, but the name calling and the hurtful things he has said is sticking in my mind. I am having a very hard time getting over his refusal to take me to the hospital. I also can't believe that he would said that he wished he never met me and that I am the worst thing that ever happened to him. That feels like more than simple rage and anger. Even when angry, I would never say that to him. I love him, I am thankful every day that i have had the chance to love him. He really is my living hero. But, this person is not the man I love and is not a man who loves me.

Basically, I am having a really hard time holding the love I have for him in my heart, because his angry words are reverberating in my mind and repeating over and over and over again. Perhaps this is caregiver burden, but I don't know. I have been doing virtually all of the housework, cooking, finances, home repairs, social planning, shopping, making all medical/doctor appointments, motivating him to find new employment, trying to address his VA loan issue and preparing his application for service connected disability all while working 70 hours a week and now doing disability planning for my mother. But none of it is good enough. On a lucid day, he can partially acknowledge what I do, but, those moments are becoming less frequent. When our hot water tank broke, I went out and got a new one, my brother and my H took it into the basement, and my H got mad at me because I was trying to have him take it down a different way. He got angry, and I installed the tank all by myself, mounted it, cut and re-plumbed the gas line, soldered the pipes, bled the gas line and trouble shot the defective pilot light. all while he sat on the couch and watched cartoons, literally. Again, one example of many, but the point is, I do everything for him. I don't need a biscuit or gold star. I don't even need a thank you. BUT, I can't take insults, negativity, criticism and anger when I am giving everything I have. Everything is wrong, I ask to go to the grocery store at the wrong time, he wants me to do it alone and not cut into our together time on Sundays. (He works nights, I work days, probably has a lot to do with this.) He is always angry about finances, so I put together an excel spreadsheet forecasting our income and expenses for the next twelve months, down to the days that I will need to buy gas, yet he tells his mother that our finances aren't planned. If I ask him if he wants to talk about it, he will ask to talk about it tomorrow. He can't even open his mail. I know that I am not perfect, but when I am the only one doing the job, don't attack the way that I am doing it if you are doing nothing. It is just too much. I am forced to always apologize to keep the peace when in fact I am not sorry at all.

So my question is, how do I keep from quitting? I am worried because yesterday, I started writing him a letter I wrote the first three pages, but then I stopped because my sister needed a ride somewhere. But I haven't been able to start writing again. I feel like I should finish it, and maybe I will feel like starting up again, but, those angry words are stuck on repeat in my mind. My fear is that I will be so overwhelmed that I will no longer be able to keep fighting for him. He can't fight, not even for himself. I need to keep fighting for him or I will regret it for the rest of my life. If I don't fight for him, I will be removed from his world and my and my words to him, what little good they do, will be silenced. I need to be present in his life to keep him from completely falling. I have to be present for him, because I am the only one in his world that truly understands the gravity of his condition. If I am removed from the equation by a divorce I am terrified of the lonely dark world that he would be relegated to. He may no longer be suicidal, but I know that he would vanish. He would head out to find distant mercenary work far from his aging parents (they are in their 70's) and family. He would go completely lone wolf, and one lucid day, I told him this. He would be ending his life, sure he would be breathing and walking, but he would be ending his life as it exists now, and taking himself out of the equation, away from family, friends and home. But, I am so emotionally exhausted, attacked from all sides and taking everything life is throwing at me. I am no longer capable of catching everything. How do I keep from dropping the ball? How do I safeguard against burnout?

As I said, I am trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. If he is sick, he is sick. I took those vows, in sickness and in health, and I will stay. But, if this is something that is deeper, and indicative of a hardened heart and a dead love, then I have some serious decisions to consider. I can't be punished forever, if that is what in fact is happening. I will never file for divorce, but if he does and this isn't PTSD, then I won't keep fighting for someone who doesn't love me. At the rate I am going, something has to give, as you said, I can't keep going at this pace. I will break, I know because I am already starting to crack.

I am heartbroken by my most recent realization. My solider didn't really come home. Perhaps that is the reason that I am so truly grief stricken, I seriously doubt that he will ever return, he just seems more distant and worse every day.

I have an "individual history session" with our marriage counselor tomorrow evening. I am supposed to give the marriage counselor my personal background. I intend to again give him the whole background at this point, which I will. I had already given him essentially the same letter as above, but I will discuss all of this with him. Right now, that is the only move that I feel I can make at this time. I don't want to beg, not because I am above it, but because I feel like it wasn't working. I want to call him, but I don't want to upset him. But there has to be more, there has to be a way to reach him, he feels so far away. I want my husband back.

 

[Anna]

Welcome to the forum :)

Has he come back? Are you living together still?

You should as others say write him a letter saying how you feel. That you really care about him

But

You did cheat on him. This is a real kick in the guts for everyone. Sure forgive and forget, but maybe he is so hurt now that he just cannot forgive.

If he has proceeded to contact a solicitor and wants a divorce this is pretty serious.

See it from his view as well. He is living in hell, you cheated on him, you betrayed his trust. Now he wants to leave.
Ok, so write him a letter to say you are sorry to say you love him tell him how you feel. It is a try.

I am really sorry for how you are feeling, but I know from experience as I have also been cheated on, they do it once, they can do it again.

Maybe there is no chance now for your relationship and it is time to let go. If he has contacted a solicitor and wants to split it maybe best for him to. Can you trust yourself not to cheat on him again?

I know from experience it is a kick in the guts when someone you love cheats on you. It is not a risk I would want to take again especially when your mind is in a fragile state. Then it is better to be alone.

 

[WatkinsGirl]

I appreciate where you are coming from. I do not want to get into the details of what happened, as this is not the forum for that topic, but it was a little more complicated that that. I was taken advantage of by a close friend. This person had come to our wedding, I knew him for years and NEVER saw this coming. Once my husband left, things became increasingly weird. He became manipulative, possessive and controlling. My problem is that I was in denial on the second deployment about how vulnerable I really was. I went drinking with friends and unfortunately things happened. I told him I never wanted to see him again. He began to would follow me places. He was promptly cut out of my life, my cell phone number changed, facebook blocked, email blocked and I threatened him with legal action. To this day he will occasionally show up at a legal event and attempt to approach me, especially if he has been drinking, years after the fact. Despite the fact that I have not spoken to him in YEARS, the last time he attempted to talk to me at an event he told me that he wanted to adopt children with me. He was so drunk that they took his keys, as he thought I had them he tried to corner me in the women's restroom and had to be held back by a third party. That is why I either bring my husband or a friend to EVERY event. My husband has said that the infidelity was one thing, but that his real complaint is that "I let a crazy person into our life."

I didn't want this, I didn't want to cheat. Clearly I didn't have good boundaries and didn't conduct myself as a good wife. I was incredibly blind, naive and in denial that anyone would pursue me while my husband was gone and that I was vulnerable to someone disrupting our marriage. Now, I know how very real that danger is, how my behavior allowed for a problem to occur . I made a huge mistake. I have amended that behavior and now take precautions at every turn.

That isn't an excuse, just an explanation. This is the only reason why I am still fighting, because I know from previous conversations with my husband, from the fact that this person hasn't been brought up in any recent discussion with my husband or in therapy that while it is an issue, it isn't "THE" issue. As I mentioned above, the PTSD symptoms such as nightmares, hypervigliance, etc. have nothing to do with this issue.

Hence marital counseling, I will do anything I keep him at the table to talk, even if it isn't on point (i.e. soley wanting to discuss alcohol abuse.)

 

[Eleanor]

Hello Watkinsgirl. I am so sorry for all the heartbreak and confusion... and guilt (however warranted or not) too - that just makes everything else worse.

The only vaguely helpful thing that occurs to me is this: "There are things that are in our control, and things that are not in our control." From what you've written, the rest of this follows, I think: You cannot control him. Your heart, however, is your own. You can love him or not. He will have to decide whether you love him from a distance or not. He is a grown man, and you cannot make him do or not do, think, feel or anything else. It sounds like he is in trouble. You've alerted the relevant people (maybe his old CO? if that was a good relationship, he'd be the person I'd go to.) Tragically, we cannot rescue other people. Horses, dogs, cats, guinea pigs we can rescue. People we can only give opportunities. You can leave the light on the porch and the door open. Since you are a lawyer I trust you have been clear about what you feel, and want and will do. Make it independent of him. Set a date. The live your life. If he wants in the door, he can walk through. If he doesn't, you have an end date. You've made your decision about how you will live relative to this for some defined period, and after that - you are a free agent.

Hoping you both make it through all this to happier days.... and the advice is likely worth just what you've paid for it ..:cautious:

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear WatkinsGirl,
The reason I said don't show him your panicked state is that he seems very unstable right now. Many people who suffer from PTSD, (especially those that are untreated), are in a state of hypersensitivity. It varies from person to person as to what they are. For me, I have a sensitivity to light and excessive noise. Try to imagine talking with a couple of people and between your discussion and any background noise, it makes you feel like you're at a heavy metal concert, sitting in the front row.

Your next question about sex. It is a well known fact that veterans often have sexual side effects from PTSD. Some have a complete lack of interest in it, others may feel that they are unable to perform as they did prior to deployment, and still with others they are unable to maintain an erection because of it. So yes, there are a myriad of sexual side effects involved.

As far as what to do, it is perfectly fine to voice your concerns to him about the different stressors that you are facing but don't panic about it when you share these experiences. Unfortunately, we live in a world where everything is suggestive in nature. Everything from "you're yawning is making me yawn." To an assault team on the battlefield. When one individual fires his weapon, everyone on the team feels a need to fire their weapons. Fear breeds more fear. Anger breeds more anger. So on and so on. Respectfully, Paranoid10.