I'm Deaf (Capital D means culturally DEAF). I know I may feel so alone after working so many years as teacher and thespian, after being diagnosed with PTSD amongst other diagnoses. In doing this for over 40 years, I have a need to share, be catharsis, at this point - not looking for advices, asking questions, just share pieces of my life in this forum. I'm not trying to be a teacher for those who read this article. I'm speaking for myself. Maybe at least, we can share on a human level of connectivity, aside from the Deaf versus hearing issues. I'm one very tired warrior (I'm a female and I like the name to be unisex).
Where do I start? Communication neglect is abuse - period especially when one is Deaf, one who have spent the entire life discovering Deafhood. Deafhood is a word that's been around for quite sometime. Much like womanhood, manhood. Being a linguistic minority is not easy living amongst the majority. What I'm about to share, I need to remind you not to take this personally. This is in NO way a character and personality attack. This is me, sharing what I've learned after the PTSD diagnose amongst other diagnoses and misdiagnoses.
There are many myths and misconceptions that I have witnessed, clarified, defended, shot down and slain. I use the personal pronoun of an "I" and "we" - can be interchanged either way, but for now I'll use the "I" to use as a personal story that's mine, only mine to share. Others will differ from my story but the bottom line we share the same common basic theme. I don't want the assumption that we-the Deaf are alike because we have diversity within the Deaf community.
First misconception that I had to battle was "Deaf people are dumb"... I battled my way to be a very young over achiever and ultimately got my Masters degree to prove that point. All of those are stressors. Just because some Deaf people couldn't write in "perfect" english doesn't mean they're stupid. The word "dumb" means "mute" in the olden days and eventually now it means "stupid". We have a true rich language of our own.
I have spent many years teaching ASL and Deaf culture, slaying the wrong ideas.
To get straight to the point, Deaf people have experienced communication neglect. Communication neglect is abuse. It's like being locked in the dark closet and no one take the time to communicate. To socialize. To interact. If I ask, "what did you say?", I'm encountered with "oh, never mind", "it's not important" or "you don't want to know" comments. I'm like who are you to decide what's important to me. I needed to be intellectually, emotionally, socially and psychologically stimulated. There's not enough of those. There are more I cannot cover in this trauma diary of mine.
Deaf people have experienced communication frustrations. When I go into a new restaurant where people don't know how to interact with Deaf people, I get frustrated and the outcome is wrong food order. Talk about GRRRRRR!! To experience this constantly is stressful. To experience this for years, the end result, makes me want to climb over the table and strangle the server. I'm a very patient person and patience has a limit. That's 40 years of dealing with neglect and frustration.
Deaf people have experienced ignorance. People who have never met a Deaf person before will say the darnest thing... Can deaf people drive? Duh, you need eyes to drive. Can blind people drive? NO! Can deaf people dance? Duh! Turn up the music and it will vibrate through the air. After teaching the "basics", it gets old fast!! Time to delegate these duties to younger Deaf generations. Unfortunately, I cannot "retire" and have absolutely NO desire to be hearing like you. To change me into a hearing person will be all more stressful and traumatic for me. I'm a proud Deaf woman, a tired one, a burnt out one, ready to lay the sword down. I'm a human who have carried this burden for too long. I'm a human who have been at war for too long.
What ultimately caused my PTSD episode was when the cops arrested me, handcuffed me behind my back for "faking deafness". They couldn't believe that deaf people can drive. I drove my car, relishing my independence, for years. Like I'm a fraud! Worse, after years of speaking out, using my voice (my hands are my voice!), handcuffing behind my back is taking away my rights, my voice. It's similar to being gagged and taped your mouth shut. They threw me in jail why? because I'm not supposed to be driving. What's worse is that they even screamed behind me, asking me about my husband when I wasn't wearing a wedding band. It's like telling me that I needed a hearing man. I needed to depend on one. That's an insult to a very independent proud Deaf woman who have came a long way. They don't know ONE thing about my life. After this incident, I went nuts!!
My hearing family sent me to war and I got spit in the face by the cops after over 40 years of doing this. My hearing family wasn't supportive and even if they tried to be supportive, it's up to the limit. They couldn't grasp the advancing level of my Deafhood and ultimately fell behind. When I see my family, I'll have one of those PTSD episode even if I tried to manage to hide it or "suck it up"... I visited them after the cop incident, I could only manage to limit my time with them to a point that I needed to leave to get my wits about me together by leaving.
Now, I stay home and away from the hearing people. When I go out, I have a time and patience limit to deal with these. Even when I order food via pen and paper, there are times I just want to climb over the counter and strangle another idiot. Even when I visit a new doctor who made misdiagnose, I even want to strangle them for putting me through this. Even when I stand in line, someone behind me says something to me, I turn around and see rude looks as if I'm being mean when in fact that I'm Deaf. I experienced a mean lady who screamed at me in the food store line behind me, screaming "ARE YOU DEAF OR WHAT??!!"... Like hell, I'm DEAF, not the WHAT?! part. I get those often. I would never know what goes on behind me if it's just a lady screaming at me or someone screaming FIRE!... I'm always hyper-viligante when I go into public. That's why I stay home and when I'm ready to go out into the danger zone, I have to be looking out for me.
Now the worse part is that the society has labeled me guilty, guilty and guilty. The society thinks that deaf people lead a horrible sad life. THAT'S NOT TRUE! If I could rub a genie bottle and have a wish, I wish all these horrible things to go away and not to have to use my "sword"... I wish that I didn't experience communication neglect which is worse for someone who is deaf. My husband is hard of hearing but grew up hearing before the war took his hearing. I always thought PTSD's label is fitting for someone who came back from war- Vietnam war, WWI, WW2, Iraq war... It never occurred to me that my kind of war can take a toll and give me PTSD as a result. I know some warriors don't get PTSD. Some do.
On a personal level, I have experience abuse - mostly verbal abuse. Thankfully, it's not physical or sexual - I think those are worser than verbal abuse but then it depends on the person's perspective. I've had a step witch who bawled me out and I remembered asking her why me. You know what she said, "It's because you're deaf and you're the oldest."... When my brother/sister (include the cops) lie, I get into trouble, not them. Why? Because they don't believe me, why? because I'm deaf. Believe the hearing first. Punish the deaf first before you punish the liars, the thieves, the frauds... Easy way out for them to put me through hell. Ironically, I'm being punished for the crime I didn't commit and I served out my punishment, even fought tooth and nails to get them to believe me. Easy scapegoat!
The diagnose - PTSD - floored me. I thought it belongs to soldiers, real warriors, the victims who have been traumatized. I wasn't traumatized physically and sexually (other than being handcuffed for the first time - that's trauma to me but very small compared to those who have it worse). I feel like my small trauma is so small that when I see the traumas of others, my heart goes out to them. My trauma with the cops destroyed my "The Walls, Doors and Orchid" ASL poetry. I no longer could do it without breaking down, having a meltdown.
Hospitalization is OUT of the question! I would be placed in a facility with non signers, with people who have never met a deaf person before, with people who say / do the darnest thing even when there's an interpreter present. I heard that the hospital refused to provide an interpreter and it's the law that they have to provide. They give excuses in not hiring one. I'm like what? I'm not sleeping, living and eating in the same room with other non-signers. NO thank you! That's what stops me cold. Treatments from the non signers, NO thank you!! As long as I'm a law abiding citizen, cops touch me? NO thank you!
My point, I thought PTSD wouldn't happen to me like I've seen it in my husband (yes, I'm not wearing the wedding band - my fingers grows fat and shrinks). I thought that PTSD happens to people in the worse possible traumas - 9/11 plane crash... Iraq war... Vietnam war... The real metal crashing war... The real flying bullets.. I'm human enough to say - I'm wrong. Now I'm waiting for those who have wronged me to man (woman) up and admit their human fallacies.
That's my story. For now....
Where do I start? Communication neglect is abuse - period especially when one is Deaf, one who have spent the entire life discovering Deafhood. Deafhood is a word that's been around for quite sometime. Much like womanhood, manhood. Being a linguistic minority is not easy living amongst the majority. What I'm about to share, I need to remind you not to take this personally. This is in NO way a character and personality attack. This is me, sharing what I've learned after the PTSD diagnose amongst other diagnoses and misdiagnoses.
There are many myths and misconceptions that I have witnessed, clarified, defended, shot down and slain. I use the personal pronoun of an "I" and "we" - can be interchanged either way, but for now I'll use the "I" to use as a personal story that's mine, only mine to share. Others will differ from my story but the bottom line we share the same common basic theme. I don't want the assumption that we-the Deaf are alike because we have diversity within the Deaf community.
First misconception that I had to battle was "Deaf people are dumb"... I battled my way to be a very young over achiever and ultimately got my Masters degree to prove that point. All of those are stressors. Just because some Deaf people couldn't write in "perfect" english doesn't mean they're stupid. The word "dumb" means "mute" in the olden days and eventually now it means "stupid". We have a true rich language of our own.
I have spent many years teaching ASL and Deaf culture, slaying the wrong ideas.
To get straight to the point, Deaf people have experienced communication neglect. Communication neglect is abuse. It's like being locked in the dark closet and no one take the time to communicate. To socialize. To interact. If I ask, "what did you say?", I'm encountered with "oh, never mind", "it's not important" or "you don't want to know" comments. I'm like who are you to decide what's important to me. I needed to be intellectually, emotionally, socially and psychologically stimulated. There's not enough of those. There are more I cannot cover in this trauma diary of mine.
Deaf people have experienced communication frustrations. When I go into a new restaurant where people don't know how to interact with Deaf people, I get frustrated and the outcome is wrong food order. Talk about GRRRRRR!! To experience this constantly is stressful. To experience this for years, the end result, makes me want to climb over the table and strangle the server. I'm a very patient person and patience has a limit. That's 40 years of dealing with neglect and frustration.
Deaf people have experienced ignorance. People who have never met a Deaf person before will say the darnest thing... Can deaf people drive? Duh, you need eyes to drive. Can blind people drive? NO! Can deaf people dance? Duh! Turn up the music and it will vibrate through the air. After teaching the "basics", it gets old fast!! Time to delegate these duties to younger Deaf generations. Unfortunately, I cannot "retire" and have absolutely NO desire to be hearing like you. To change me into a hearing person will be all more stressful and traumatic for me. I'm a proud Deaf woman, a tired one, a burnt out one, ready to lay the sword down. I'm a human who have carried this burden for too long. I'm a human who have been at war for too long.
What ultimately caused my PTSD episode was when the cops arrested me, handcuffed me behind my back for "faking deafness". They couldn't believe that deaf people can drive. I drove my car, relishing my independence, for years. Like I'm a fraud! Worse, after years of speaking out, using my voice (my hands are my voice!), handcuffing behind my back is taking away my rights, my voice. It's similar to being gagged and taped your mouth shut. They threw me in jail why? because I'm not supposed to be driving. What's worse is that they even screamed behind me, asking me about my husband when I wasn't wearing a wedding band. It's like telling me that I needed a hearing man. I needed to depend on one. That's an insult to a very independent proud Deaf woman who have came a long way. They don't know ONE thing about my life. After this incident, I went nuts!!
My hearing family sent me to war and I got spit in the face by the cops after over 40 years of doing this. My hearing family wasn't supportive and even if they tried to be supportive, it's up to the limit. They couldn't grasp the advancing level of my Deafhood and ultimately fell behind. When I see my family, I'll have one of those PTSD episode even if I tried to manage to hide it or "suck it up"... I visited them after the cop incident, I could only manage to limit my time with them to a point that I needed to leave to get my wits about me together by leaving.
Now, I stay home and away from the hearing people. When I go out, I have a time and patience limit to deal with these. Even when I order food via pen and paper, there are times I just want to climb over the counter and strangle another idiot. Even when I visit a new doctor who made misdiagnose, I even want to strangle them for putting me through this. Even when I stand in line, someone behind me says something to me, I turn around and see rude looks as if I'm being mean when in fact that I'm Deaf. I experienced a mean lady who screamed at me in the food store line behind me, screaming "ARE YOU DEAF OR WHAT??!!"... Like hell, I'm DEAF, not the WHAT?! part. I get those often. I would never know what goes on behind me if it's just a lady screaming at me or someone screaming FIRE!... I'm always hyper-viligante when I go into public. That's why I stay home and when I'm ready to go out into the danger zone, I have to be looking out for me.
Now the worse part is that the society has labeled me guilty, guilty and guilty. The society thinks that deaf people lead a horrible sad life. THAT'S NOT TRUE! If I could rub a genie bottle and have a wish, I wish all these horrible things to go away and not to have to use my "sword"... I wish that I didn't experience communication neglect which is worse for someone who is deaf. My husband is hard of hearing but grew up hearing before the war took his hearing. I always thought PTSD's label is fitting for someone who came back from war- Vietnam war, WWI, WW2, Iraq war... It never occurred to me that my kind of war can take a toll and give me PTSD as a result. I know some warriors don't get PTSD. Some do.
On a personal level, I have experience abuse - mostly verbal abuse. Thankfully, it's not physical or sexual - I think those are worser than verbal abuse but then it depends on the person's perspective. I've had a step witch who bawled me out and I remembered asking her why me. You know what she said, "It's because you're deaf and you're the oldest."... When my brother/sister (include the cops) lie, I get into trouble, not them. Why? Because they don't believe me, why? because I'm deaf. Believe the hearing first. Punish the deaf first before you punish the liars, the thieves, the frauds... Easy way out for them to put me through hell. Ironically, I'm being punished for the crime I didn't commit and I served out my punishment, even fought tooth and nails to get them to believe me. Easy scapegoat!
The diagnose - PTSD - floored me. I thought it belongs to soldiers, real warriors, the victims who have been traumatized. I wasn't traumatized physically and sexually (other than being handcuffed for the first time - that's trauma to me but very small compared to those who have it worse). I feel like my small trauma is so small that when I see the traumas of others, my heart goes out to them. My trauma with the cops destroyed my "The Walls, Doors and Orchid" ASL poetry. I no longer could do it without breaking down, having a meltdown.
Hospitalization is OUT of the question! I would be placed in a facility with non signers, with people who have never met a deaf person before, with people who say / do the darnest thing even when there's an interpreter present. I heard that the hospital refused to provide an interpreter and it's the law that they have to provide. They give excuses in not hiring one. I'm like what? I'm not sleeping, living and eating in the same room with other non-signers. NO thank you! That's what stops me cold. Treatments from the non signers, NO thank you!! As long as I'm a law abiding citizen, cops touch me? NO thank you!
My point, I thought PTSD wouldn't happen to me like I've seen it in my husband (yes, I'm not wearing the wedding band - my fingers grows fat and shrinks). I thought that PTSD happens to people in the worse possible traumas - 9/11 plane crash... Iraq war... Vietnam war... The real metal crashing war... The real flying bullets.. I'm human enough to say - I'm wrong. Now I'm waiting for those who have wronged me to man (woman) up and admit their human fallacies.
That's my story. For now....
