My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 12723]

I am at a loss in how to answer your question, but I agree with Anarchy this does not define you at all and you really do not know exactly what your dad is thinking, so I would re evaluate that one. You are a beautiful person and you are still you at the core that has been severely traumatized.

As to how the police are handling the case, I think you looking out for your own self interests and goals would be a good idea for you to explore as I do not want to think that the failure or success of how the police are handling your case. I wish you had a rape crises advocate to help you through this experience as a supportter on your side for you.

Hang in there. I also think that you showed real courage in reporting the jerk and pursuing this as far as you have. Lit a candle for you hun.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you both :hug: I know I do have a tendency to overthink and overestimate the severity of situations. But my dad really did say that I used to be such a courageous person, who stood up for what was right and was not afraid to express herself. And now, according to him, there's not much of that left in me.

@Anarchy thank you for supporting my decision not to do the official report. You are right on the mark that I shouldn't let anyone force me into doing the official police report. I tend to be very sensitive to psychological pressure and guilt-tripping, so it's a good thing that you remind me to do what's best for me. I just need to learn not to let other people's opinions affect me this much.

@gizmo : thank you for lighting a candle for me, that is very sweet of you. :hug:
I wish I had a rape crisis advocate, too, but unfortunately it seems that their support is focused solely on people who had been raped either when they were children or up to just a few weeks ago.

I have actually been looking for a new therapist. I found an official website with personal profiles and reviews of professional psychologists all over the country. I called the agency to get an intake appointment with one of the therapists (who had listed trauma reprocessing as one of her specialties), but they told me that because I had already done EMDR before they could not help me. I would need "specialized care" . Isn't that the strangest thing? Because one standard form of trauma reprocessing didn't fix me - which by the way could have had a lot to do with my therapist at the time - I am no longer eligible for a consult with a "regular" psychotherapist. That actually would be okay if PTSD were my only issue. But it's not.

I'm sorry for being a bit grim today. I'm just feeling a little hopeless right now.

On a more positive note though: I recently moved into the new apartment and it is beautiful! It is quite large compared to what I had before (and by that I mean it is actually suitable for one person or perhaps even a couple to live in) and the neighborhood is much nicer and safer. I have seen some of my neighbors in the building and they all seem really nice. The only problem is that I found a cockroach trap behind a kitchen cupboard. I have no idea how long it's been there and frankly I don't want to know. If there is anything that I absolutely hate it is cockroaches. Thankfully, there has been no sign of there being an active infestation. So I'm keeping my house squeaky clean. So clean in fact, that a germophobe could live here comfortably, lol. :laugh:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so happy for you on the new apartment. I hope you find so much peace there.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you gizmo :joyful: I am very happy with the place.
I've contacted an acquaintance who happened to have two chairs available that they wanted to get rid of. If I'm lucky, I can have them for free. That will make my new apartment even more like a home.

I have been struggling a lot lately, partially because I'm often home alone. I have a very important deadline next sunday and if I don't do well I will fail the course again. So I'm feeling really stressed and anxious. I need to find a therapist but I don't know where to look.

I am seriously considering to adopt a shelter dog, because I need the love and companionship. I also know from experience that dogs bring me a lot of joy and help calm me down when I'm scared or anxious, as well as cheer me up when I'm feeling depressed. Also, it would give me a daily structure, which would be very good for me. Don't get me wrong, I love being with people as well, but sometimes they can be a bit overwhelming for me.
People that know me will tell me it's a bad idea, because I'm only 23 and I don't know what the future is gonna be like. And I don't have a lot of money etc. etc. But I also know that I would be a great pet owner, because I know how to handle them and I would love them with all my heart.

Anyway, today I really need to get a lot of work done for my studies. But the stress and anxiety are kind of blocking me from getting anything done. It's like I'm really high strung and alert, but at the same time I can't focus on anything for longer than 5 minutes. I'll go make some coffee later, maybe that'll help me concentrate.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Snowwhite I wish you to get a dog that chooses you, they make the best pets and I totally agree with you that it would help you so much as well as you helping the dog. I hope you get one soon to calm you down a little.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

That's really sweet of you to say, @gizmo thank you :)

I won't be able to get one very soon because I'm going on a short holiday in july. And I don't want to leave the dog at some shelter or a dog sitter for so long. Thankfully, shelter dogs here are not euthanized unless they are a danger to society or their life is really not worth living anymore (because they're in a lot of pain, for example). So no dog is going to die because I'm not adopting them in time, which is a reassuring thought. Now I just have to keep it together until I have the time to actually take one in permanently.

 

[Anrish]

Catching up on your diary! :hug:

Congratulations about the new appartment! :tup: ...and take your time with the shelter dog. I know heart and reason are often very far away from each other. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you for catching up, @Anrish :hug: :hug:

I promise I will take my time. I have already made lists of the pros and cons, looked at the costs of taking care of a dog, researched pet insurance policies, spent many hours thinking about what characteristics I'm looking for in a pet, and calculated how much time the dog would have to be alone for on a daily basis. It will be several more months before I will actually be back from my holiday and be able to even adopt one. In that time, I will keep doing as much research and rational thinking as I can :)


Today I'm feeling a bit better. My dad came over for a few hours and I got some good work done on my thesis. It's actually not that bad. If I keep up the good work, I should be able to pass the course this time.
When I went outside to take out the trash some idiot neighbour had set off the smoke alarm and wasn't doing anything about it. The firemen came, went into the building for a few minutes, and then came back down pretty annoyed. The guy that set off the alarm had apparently been burning some incense or something and gone a bit overboard with it. I mean, accidents can happen, but what kind of person sets off the alarm and then keeps burning stuff while it goes off?! What an ass. The firemen were not amused, and rightfully so.
One good thing about the whole situation was that I found out that the fire alarms in the building are not very good. I was one floor above the "fire" and didn't hear the alarm until I stepped out of my apartment. So I immediately sent an email to the company that owns the building with the request to do something about this. Because if one day something really goes wrong, it would be nice to know about it on time.

I'll go back to studying for a few more hours and then go to bed early. I have the last class of this horrible course tomorrow morning, and the teacher already dislikes me so I really should be on time and alert when I get there. I've written down some questions about the thesis (as was the assignment). I hope she'll be willing to help me with them.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I've had a busy couple of days, though most of the busy stuff has been going on inside my head. I am still very worried about my father and I'm working on a letter for him. I plan to give that to him when I visit this weekend. I try not to think about my worries too much, because I have to work and can't be with him. I need to keep functioning well enough to get through the work days. Thankfully, my Mom now knows what's going on, so she can keep an eye on Dad as well.

I worked a late shift today and only just got home (it's around midnight right now). It was a chaotic evening and I couldn't focus very well. I also have been looking at the study program for next semester. It is not very encouraging. They planned it really weirdly. We will be divided into groups, which determines when you have to take certain courses that are taught during several periods over the year. Depending on which group I get in to, I could be facing a workload of somewhere between 40 and 80 hours a week in the first semester. And then in the second semester it's somewhere between 20 and 40 hours. Whoever designed this schedule should be slapped in the face and fired!
I'm going to contact the student advisor in my department and ask them about what to expect. But if this study program is correct, I will have to quit my job. And that would really suck.:( Not just because of the loss of income, but also because I really like it there. I've learned a lot there and my coworkers are awesome.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Snowwhite you sound so much better and I am so happy for you. Enjoy your holiday and good for you on the research about getting a dog. One thing to look for if you do not know it is find out if the dog you are looking to get is a high energy or low energy dog. I have had mellow dogs and some hyper ones and the hyper ones I could not keep up with.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you @gizmo . You're so sweet :)

I have considered the energy level the right dog for me would have. I think low or medium energy would be best. I do like to be active, but I wouldn't be able to handle a hyperactive dog either. I once looked after a dog like that for about 10 days. He was an absolute sweetheart, but I couldn't keep up with him.

I'm on my way to work for the last day this week. Not really looking forward to it, but perhaps that'll change once I get started. Yesterday I told one of my favourite coworkers about how I really hope I did well on my thesis this time. She is such a sweet person, she told me she would keep her fingers crossed and pray for me. She doesn't have to do that for me, but just her saying that really touched me. Even though I am not actively involved with religion.

 

[Anarchy]

only if you are interested,
the paper here describes ways in which therapy can help people find and develop resources in themselves which they didn't know existed.

It's not an easy read, I had to go through it several times before I thought that I understood it.

We are not at a level where we can do that, but, it does give an indication of what a good T might be able to help your dad do.
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/insightful-and-understandable-academic-authors.57002/#post-955703