My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

So I've restarted EMDR and boy, did it have an effect on me. It really got to some things that I would otherwise have just repressed. I am too embarrassed to even describe them here. But the point is that I managed to tell my T and we confronted it.

At first I felt really upset, but now I'm getting back to earth. It turns out that some of my fears were completely unrealistic. I was feeling extremely ashamed of something I didn't even do wrong, thinking I had crossed boundaries that I shouldn't have. It's a huge relief to know that one of my worst fears - me being an abuser myself- has not come true. I would never hurt another person for my own gain. I couldn't enjoy said 'gain' for a second if I would. But I somehow get ideas put into my head and I blow them completely out of proportion. I no longer trust my own judgement, so the facts get twisted and misinterpreted very easily. It's freaking scary how strongly PTSD is still taking over my mind. I no longer know what is a real threat and what isn't. And with my amount of self-hate, it's an easy path to self-blame for anything. That is a very important realisation for me. Especially because it puts my feet back on the ground for a second. The world I experience isn't real, it's the PTSD version. I need EMDR to get back into the real world and to live life without the neverending, paralising fear.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Some small positives:
- I've been going to the gym again (serious muscle aches, but I'm loving it)
- One of my girlfriends and I are going to start taking boxing classes this november
- I've made a new friend on this forum :)
- I had a big laugh with one of my best friends yesterday. In the middle of the library. But it was so worth it.
- I've learned a lot from the previous EMDR session and I'm going back tomorrow with more confidence
- Slowly making improvements in my academic performance and taking care of myself

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm currently not doing so well. I have booked some great results with my studies and the EMDR sessions and even my social life, but it seems like the hard work is really taking its toll. I have been slacking and I haven't been taking good care of myself. It's funny how not eating is still a coping mechanism for me. I know it's wrong and unhealthy, but I just want a break from all the stress and hard work.

However, these circumstances do not justify me letting myself slip back into depression. Tomorrow I am going to do a lot better.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Well, the post-breakup STD testing is really bringing out my inner hypochondriac. I got it this morning and I'll have the results in a week. I know the chances of me having an STD are very slim, but of course my general hypervigilance is blowing it all out of proportion. Now I keep thinking things like "but what if at my last blood test they forgot to test for HIV and it turns out I had it all along?" . Which is ridiculous, because last time I got tested I specifically asked for an HIV test, after which the doctor decided to check for other things as well while they were at it. But then I think "but what if when I called them for the results of that test and they messed it up, accidentally reading me someone else's results?". Pretty damn far-fetched too.
I can't wait for this to be over. I just want to know that I'm healthy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

((((((((((((((((((((Snow))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@gizmo thank you so much. I needed that :hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Great news: I don't have an STD/STI. All tests, including the one for HIV, were negative. Even though it was unlikely for me to have any of those illnesses, this knowledge has made me feel a lot better. And I am grateful to be healthy.

On another note, I have been thinking about my past lately. Even before the rape. There were a lot of (small) traumas before that. There was light sexual abuse over the internet when I was 14-15 (no pictures or webcam footage exchanged, thank God), the crazy guy who thought he owned me because I had previously given him a kiss on the cheek, and the slightly emotionally, but also sexually abusive boyfriend who used me as a sex toy and made me feel like crap.

Apart from all that stuff, I have been bullied by different people and in various settings while I was still in primary school. And there was the eating disorders. The lying, secretly throwing away food, purging, obscene amounts of excerciss and the weekly being forced onto a scale by my parents to see if I had lost any more weight.

Why am I writing all of this? Well, I guess I needed to put this out somewhere. To remind myself that what I've been through isn't normal and isn't okay. I have always thought that I was just being petty, that I was just the average insecure pubescent girl. That I should have sucked it up some more. But that's not true and I need to deal with that.

It's funny, a large part of me is insisting I talk more about this, but the rest of me is telling me to shut up because I hate being the centre of attention in any context. My mind sure isn't easy to comprehend

 

[RussH]

Snow, I have already talked with you and know the results are negative, but I just wanted to pop in here and give you some support and let you know that I care about you.
I know things are tough with your schedule but you can do it.

As always, if you need to talk just contact me.
Russ

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So it's been a while since I last posted anything here. I've been struggling with taking care of myself. Missing classes, unhealthy sleeping patterns, missing appointments, slacking off on house work... It just isn't what I want it to be.

On a positive note, I have been dating a cute guy for a few weeks now. I think we might have a chance at a happy relationship together, which I think would do me a lot of good. I feel safe with him and we joke around a lot (which I really like), but I tend to see every tiny thing as a form of rejection, causing me to back out again. In spite of that, he does seem to like the real me. But whenever he's distracted or a bit distant, I feel like he is going to hurt me and/or leave me. The funny thing is that I'm not as afraid of losing him as I am afraid of what losing him will say about me. It will mean that my judgment was wrong yet again, like it has been so many times in the past. I am more afraid of the shame I would feel if he turned out to be an asshole than any pain he might cause me directly.

Therapy seems to be going alright lately, but on our last session my therapist said something that was very confronting, but also quite hurtful to me. She asked why I was not letting go of the trauma yet. Because she thinks I seem to be doing so much better in many areas, so why am I still rating the fear I feel during EMDR sessions so highly? Well it is true that I am doing much better in many areas and that I am scared to let go of my trauma too soon, because a part of me will completely downplay it if I do. I would think that I was being overly dramatic thinking I have PTSD and getting therapy, because obviously if I can get better so quickly, it wasn't so serious after all. It's irrational, I know that, but that's how my mind works when it comes to me as a person. I would never think such a thing about another person.
But it was also hurtful, because I genuinely feel that I am not "over" my trauma(s) yet. When I was raped it was not the first time I was traumatised, but it was the worst trauma and instantaneously the one that triggered my PTSD. She knows that. She also knows that I still depend on the maximum dosage of antidepressants to stay calm during the day.
My mother recently said to me that I needed to be careful with this new guy I'm dating, because I was "so damaged already". I don't think of myself as "damaged", though. Not really. What has happened to me has hurt me and definitely left some serious scars that I believe have not fully healed yet. But how can it be that my mother thinks I'm damaged and my therapist thinks I'm unconsciously choosing to hold onto my PTSD? It's hurtful that she thinks I'm that kind of person. I have had so much trouble taking myself seriously enough to reach out for help and now she's basically saying that it's time I get over it already. I just don't know how to deal with that. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not damaged, that is a huge lie. I also believe that the healing and recovery journey takes as long as it takes and you cannot simply get over the trauma like that. You have a right to grieve your losses and suffering and the process of healing and recovery takes such a long time.

I also understand your fears, I sometimes have them myself. I learned that I had to start thinking for myself and I learned slowly. I wish you the best. Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, @gizmo . Hugs! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

About a week ago my therapist told me she thought I've been doing so well that I probably no longer need emdr or other forms of trauma therapy.


I understand this is the kind of news most of us would love to hear some day, but I can't help but feel conflicted about this. Yes, I have been getting a lot better ever since we restarted emdr. I barely have any nightmares anymore and my other symptoms have dramatically decreased over the past year. But I just can't grasp the idea that I am done with trauma therapy. I guess it was never clear to me where we were going with the emdr treatment and now all of a sudden I'm supposed to be all better? I never saw this coming.

I am supposed to contact a support group for young people who have small struggles in everyday life, like procrastinating or anxiety in social situations. And I agree such a group would be good for me. But it's just so sudden. I mean, I can't even say the word "rape" in my native language because it terrifies me. How am I supposed to cope? I feel completely lost and frankly I feel a lot of resentment towards my T because of this. One day we're doing EMDR and she needs to remind me that I am safe now, and the next it's "you're fixed now, you just need a new coat of paint and you're good as new again. See ya!".

I don't know if this is a luxury problem. Maybe I'm complaining about nothing and should just be grateful that apparently I'm cured. I just really needed to get this out of my system.