My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 12723]

I understand how you feel and I am so sorry she said that to you. :hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So I'm back after a long absence. I've been kind of avoiding these forums because I wanted to pretend I was ok for a while. Don't get me wrong, I love the community here and I especially love all the new amazing friends I've made here. I just didn't want to talk about how things were going. It was too confronting to do so.

My studies have been tougher than ever before. The work load is much larger than it was during the past few years, and I'm already having trouble studying as it is.
I've recently started therapy, which is really good for me. I'm talking to a therapist while I'm on the waiting list for a new round of EMDR treatment. Woohoo.
Ok that exclamation was mostly sarcastic, although I do realise the importance if working through my trauma. I'm just really not looking forward to it.

One more thing that's new is that I've decided to get in better shape. In a healthy way of course. I am tired of feeling weak. When I was raped I was anorexic and extremely insecure, which has definitely been a part in the reason why I didn't fight back at that time. So I want to be stronger, so that I'll not only feel more confident, I'll also actually be able to fight back if someone tries to hurt me again.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Snowwhite :hug::hug::hug: thank you so much for letting us know how you are doing in life.

Take hope with the EMDR because it literally changed my life for the better forever! No longer tormented and tortured by bad memories. I was like a haunted house before I had it so be encouraged.

I am proud of how you are managing your studies.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you so much for your kind words @gizmo :hug: :hug: :hug:
Your message actually brought a smile to my face :) thank you :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are most welcome.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I am so frustrated with myself today. When I'm stressed I can be a huge hypochondriac as well as show OCD-like symptoms. Here's whar's currently happening: I recently took care of a homeless dog for a few days and I got scared that it may have rabies (because it had lived near rats and bats). Now I'm spending time with my family, I'm afraid that maybe the dog infected me and now I'll infect my family if I'm not extremely careful. So when I accidentally touched the light switch of the bathroom before washing my hands, I freaked out and tried to clean it with soap. Then I realised that was a dumb idea, because electricity and fluids are a bad combination. So I proceeded to dry the light switch off and then I started worrying about what if some water seeps in later and then the power will go out. Or worse, someone could get electrocuted! Even though it's been hours and nothing bad has happened, I am still worrying about this stupid light switch.

There. I feel like a crazy person writing this. The thing is, when I'm calm and when something I'm afraid if (like the dog having rabies, or the bathroom light hurting someone) is debunked, I can relax and move on with my life. It's not like I need excessive reassurance. But until I know everyone is going to be okay I am stuck in this zone of panic and uncertainty. And I hate that I get like that. But I'm also scared to let the fear and stress go, because I don't trust my judgment, given that I dissociate and get distracted so often. If I'm not on edge, maybe I'll make even dumber mistakes and it'll hurt other people.

This sucks.

 

[Anarchy]

Sending you hugs Snow!

I picked a bat (with what looked like it's baby attached) out of a muddy puddle during the summer, and got well and truly bitten.
Some friends here suggested that I took it seriously, so I eventually phoned for advice, and was told to get to accident and emergency within the hour. I still felt like I was over reacting. They gave me a series of five vaccinations over a period of about a month. they were a bit sore and I felt a bit fluey on the actual day of each jab, but the feeling didn't last longer than that.

If you are still concerned, there's no harm in seeking medical advice, to put your mind at rest.

Are you still seeing a therapist?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree that you need medical attention to just in case, if you get my meaning. Just in case you got infected, it is a good idea.

Understand about the symptoms, I am having excessive anxiety at the moment. Hang in there Snow. hugs.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you guys for your advice and support :hug:

I haven't slept well and I'm feeling very anxious and panicked right now. I did call the doctor this morning and the assistent told me to call back around 1. Right now I'm on my way to a big test. Bought some natural calming tablets with valerian root on my way. I chose the super highly concentrated ones. Hopefully they'll get me through the exam and this panic attack.

I'll let you know what the doctor says this afternoon.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Just called back. The doctor's assistent told me that she had asked a doctor and they assured me that I have nothing to be worried about because the dog didn't bite me. I did tell her that I have touched the dogs teeth when feeding it, but she told me that that doesn't matter. So that is a huge relief! I'm really happy and grateful for the advice. Thank you @gizmo and @Anarchy for encouraging me to ask a medical professional. :hug:

I'm feeling better now, although it'll probably be a while before all the adrenaline is out of my system. Today I'm planning to take good care of myself, maybe go to the gym if I'm up to it, and try to get some studying done later. For now I'm going to hang out and try to relax a bit.

The exam went pretty badly, by the way. But I was expecting that. The extra strong calming tablets were very helpful. I felt better within minutes. So I'll definitely use them during my next panic attack.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so glad that you are okay.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I feel like a complete idiot. I took in the same dog as before for a day because its owner got arrested. She's back with her owner now, but I've spent the past 2 days worrying and excessively cleaning and washing my hands. I didn't even feed the dog directly from my hand.
I've just been so lonely lately and wanting to have a dog so bad.. and I'm generally just bad at saying no. So here I am, stressed out of my mind, hands raw from all the washing. Feeling like a crazy person.

I still haven't started EMDR and the therapy sessions that are supposed to prepare me for that aren't very helpful. It feels like I'm talking to a well-meaning friend and her words of wisdom. Not that my current T is bad, not at all, but because I will get a different T for my actual treatment, there isn't enough time for in-depth conversations. So we keep steering into the little things, or very general things like my trouble concentrating.

I just want to get through this. This isn't me. I don't want to be a scared, lonely, easily defeated little girl. I want to be the real me, or whatever is left of that.