My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

I feel pretty emotional right now. I had a great afternoon with my sort of boyfriend today. We had a lot of fun together. We talked and laughed and cuddled.. It was amazing. I actually felt happy and safe with him.

Unfortunately he had to leave after just a few hours, so I'm alone again now. I haven't been sleeping so great these past few days. Not that I don't sleep enough, I just don't rest when I'm asleep. My psychiatrist once told me I probably do REM sleep (extremely) well, but not the deep sleep. That's probably why my whole night seems like a big knot of nightmares and emotional dreams, which I confuse with reality because I sort of wake up between them. In my dream I can actually think about whether I'm in the real world or that I'm dreaming and then conclude I'm in the real world. It´s so tiring. How much will I have to sleep in order to get a normal energy level?

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite Bravo! You go girl! You fight and get back you life. You are absolutely right. You are not at fault; even if you had not fought back at all, he is solely to blame. You are as innocent today as you were the day before it happened. And you are absolutely right; the shame and guilt does not belong to you, so just shake them off like so many chains that are trying to bind you up so you can regain your life.

I will be following your post, and absolutely will be in your corner as you journey toward your healing. You are not in this fight alone.
Blessings.

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite, I just wanted to see you you are doing? I hope you don't mind, but I am going to consider you a friend, and I like to check on my friends.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@RussH : Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It brought a smile to my face.
I am doing okay, thank you. I had another EMDR session this morning and went (window)shopping afterwards to calm myself down. I haven't been sleeping well these last couple of days, so I am exhausted atm. But I'll take some extra time to rest today.

I'm hoping my sort of boyfriend will come by today, but he's not sure he can make it. We'll see.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I am so tired. Time for me to get some decent sleep. Not the kind that consists almost solely from nightmares, but the kind that actually lets me rest. Last night's nightmares were horrible and I'm still not completely over them. Hope it'll be more bearable this time.

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite, if you are open to the idea, consider yourself hugged:). I pray you will have a restful weekend. I know that part of feeling overwelmed by our past memories is being being so tired you can't fight them off.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, RussH. Consider yourself hugged back :)

I'm feeling pretty emotional right now.I'm on my way home from visiting my parents. My Dad has been depressed for over 2 years and he seemed to feel a lot better yesterday. There was a real smile on his face. That was so touching. And my Mom was a lot less stressed and demanding, so she was more like herself too. Makes me realize how much I miss them. I keep pretending that I'm fine so that perhaps they can relax for a bit. But it makes me feel so isolated at the same time..

I wish I could just tell them I have PTSD and that I never told thenlm because I was ashamed and didn't want to hurt and disappoint them again. I've been the weird and sick one in the family since I was 13. I just want them to be proud of me now that I'm on my own.

I hate lying to them. I love my parents so much. Is there ever going to be a 'right' time to tell them?

 

[RussH]

I wish I could just tell them I have PTSD and that I never told thenlm because I was ashamed and didn't want to hurt and disappoint them again. I've been the weird and sick one in the family since I was 13. I just want them to be proud of me now that I'm on my own.

I hate lying to them. I love my parents so much. Is there ever going to be a 'right' time to tell them?[/quote]

Snowwhite, something I finally realized; I am not at fault for what happened to me. I was a vicitm. And because I was a victim I will not be ashamed of what happened to me. I will not give my tormentors the pleasure of keeping me in shame.

Snow, you were a vicitm. It is not your fault what happened to you. It is no different than if some one broke into your home and robbed you; you were victimized. Please don't be ashamed of being a victim. You had no control over what happened, but you do have control of how you respond to it. You were raped and that is a crime.

Please, tell your parents what happened and that you are now suffering from PTSD. They can be a vital part of your support network. You deserve their support. Don't continue to punish yourself by denying yourself their love and support.

You will get better, and putting a good support structure of family and friends in place will facilitate your getting better.

Snow, I am in your corner, and I want to see you get better. Be blessed my friend.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Snowwhite, something I finally realized; I am not at fault for what happened to me. I was a vicitm. And because I was a victim I will not be ashamed of what happened to me. I will not give my tormentors the pleasure of keeping me in shame.

You are right. I will not give that pathetic excuse for a man the pleasure of keeping me in shame forever. But I am just so afraid, that if I tell my parents he will have the pleasure of hurting my relationship with them. I am so afraid I'll be even more isolated once I tell them. They could feel so hurt that I didn't tell them sooner. They could feel like they failed as my parents. They could get into an even worse state than they are in now. I know it's best to tell the truth, but I am just so scared.

I'm almost crying here. Which is a good thing, since I can barely process any emotion. There is fear and depression and sometimes a little smile. That's about it.
I'll embrace my feelings right now, because it is very important I don't put them away. I miss my parents so much, but I feel like I have to protect them. From me and my problems. I need them, but I don't want to be the straw that breaks their backs..

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you, Russ. You gave me a little more hope for a good outcome.

By the way, it is not that I think little of my parents when I imply they might feel hurt. But they have expressed their disappointment in me so many times already when I was anorexic. I'm afraid they don't see that the real me is still in here, in spite of my eating disorder and depression and PTSD. I act like a little girl when it comes to them: I buy them expensive souvenirs when I'm on vacation, I pay them compliments, help them around the house, make sure to frequently tell them I love them and miss them. And yet, they show so much disappointment when I don't get good enough grades at uni.

It's a two way thing I guess. Half of me misses my parents terribly and will do anything to protect their mental state, while the other half is slightly bittered because it feels underappreciated. I want to help them anyway I can, but I need their support too.. It's a really hard choice, but I know they'll find out sooner or later.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So I got two new prescriptions from my psychiatrist this wednesday for meds that could help me sleep better. I tried the first one that night and well, it didn't help at all. I don' t know if it's the side effects, stomach flu or both, but I got seriously ill the next morning. Had to throw up multiple times, not being able to keep anything down. Couldn't even sit up straight.
I called my Dad to just have someone to talk to, but once he got how miserable I felt, he came to my place to pick me up. He and my Mom have been taking great care of me since. I didn't at first feel comfortable with asking for their help, but it is nice when someone brings you some warm soup when you're too ill to walk and get it yourself.

Luckily, I'm feeling much better already, though I'm still definitely sick. Hope this will pass soon. If one thing, I know I do not want to take those meds ever again!

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite, it sounds like your parents love you. I really don't think you need to feel uncomfortable calling them for help.In fact, I bet they would like to help.