My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

I am starting to believe that more and more now, @RussH . They seem to be doing better in general, not fighting as much and even having real fun sometimes. It's like they're slowly becoming themselves again and that really touches me.

Because of my being ill I have missed a few doses of my meds, so now that I'm getting better I feel the fear again. I hate it so much.
Luckily, my therapist taught me a visualisation trick where in my mind I place the rapist and who- or whatever else that's bothering me at the end of the street. I know they're not just gonna go away, but this way I can keep things at a distance. Works pretty well for me.

I'm gonna keep doing that and listen to some of my calm-down music until I'm calm enough to fall asleep.

Goodnight!

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite, just out of curiosity; have you ever considered taking any self-defense courses? It is something that could give you a great sense of self-impowerment.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I just told my parents. My Dad and I were having an already emotional discussion and he just got it out of me. And both my Mom and my Dad were so good to me.
We cried and hugged and cries some more. Mom held me and Dad held my hands and neither one of them let go.

I am so grateful to have such amazing parents and for all the support I've had here and in RL. Thank you all on myPTSD for inspiring me to do this. @RussH you have definitely helped me take those crucial final steps. Thank you.

I'm gonna go to sleep now. I'm absolutely exhausted. I'll post more later.

 

[RussH]

Snow I am in tears as I read this; good for you. I am so glad you took this step, and I suspect you have taken a giant leap toward your healing. Consider yourself hugged.

 

[RussH]

I just wanted to add that I am really proud of you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you so much, RussH. Your comments mean a lot to me. I'm still feeling all wobbly with emotions, haha. And I'm really tired. But I am so glad I told them, it's the best thing I have done in a very long time.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

So as promised, this is what happened sunday evening.

I had just had a pretty emotional conversation with my Dad and he told me that I could always come to him and Mom if I needed anything. He said he knew something was up with me and I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. So I started crying, like I hadn't done in over a year. This wasn't the kind of crying where I'm fighting to hold back the tears, this was the kind of crying where I really let go. I just knew that this was the moment I had to tell my parents.

My mom walked in and immediately sat with us. In between sobs I told them how sorry I was that I hadn't told them before and that it was something bad and I didn't want them to feel bad because I didn't confide in them earlier. And then I just told them what had happened to me. The short version, but I explained my confusion at the situation and my fear and shame. How low my self-esteem was back then and how I almost immediately dissociated. And they stayed calm.

My mother held me the entire time, while my dad held my hands. I told them why I hadn't told them before and that I was so sorry because of that, but they would have none of that. They were so kind and understanding. They didn't jump up in shock, they didn't get angry, they didn't cry harder than me.. They were there for me. And they told me they thought I was very strong and that they were still very proud of me.

Telling my parents what happened to me was one of the best things I've done in my life. I've felt so isolated from them, trying to cope with everything all on my own.. But now, finally, we are a real family again. It truly means the world to me.

My parents have said that they were furious, but not at me, at the rapist. They immediately believed me. They even want me to consider reporting the rapist to the police. Even though they can't charge him with anything based on just my statement, perhaps it will help if other girls come forward with what he did to them. I don't know if I'm ready for that and luckily I have plenty of time to prepare.
And you know what else they said? They said they would go with me and stay with me throughout the whole interview. If the police investigator would give me a hard time or dismiss me, they will be happy to stand up for me.

I am so grateful for my loving parents. I now know that they will always be there for me, even though I'm a grown-up, even though I've lied to them. I feel truly blessed knowing that I am no longer fighting alone, which gives me the strength to fight harder than ever.

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite, most excellent! As stated before, I am proud of you! Your parents sound really great. Now just enjoy your time with them.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

It has been a while since I last wrots here. So much and yet so little has been going on.. I guess I'm good at blowing things up in my head! Anyway, I am definitely headed in the right direction.

I did have another quite vivid nightmare last night. A bald middleaged guy kept chasing me, trying to kiss me and touch me. I was screaming and crying and yet nobody came to help me. Those dreams really suck. The bad guys always catch up with me and people I ask for help just get annoyed with me.

The past few weeks were quite emotional and tiring. I barely did anything today. It's so hard to have all of those amazing ideas and aspirations when it seems almost physically impossible to act on those dreams. Even though the healthy parts of my mind are growing much stronger, the PTSD still holds me prisoner.
Guess it's time for me to let the people I love help me break out.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm finding that I'm slowly getting my mind ready for studying. I start my first courses in january and I'm really excited to start. Unfortunately, I know how much my capability to study efficiently has suffered over the years. I always push myself just a little bit further than is good for me and then use the summer holiday as recovery time.

But since the onset of PTSD and depression, it's become harder and harder for me to keep that up. In a way, that's probably a good thing, because I was seriously damaging my body and bottling up my emotions to go the extra mile I thought I had to go. But since I've had a break down about 6 months ago, I can't force myself like that again. I have serious difficulty concentrating.

The motivation is definitely still there and so is my IQ, but it's like I've been put on overused batteries: I can focus for a little while, but then I need a very long time to recharge.
Like I already stated in my previous post, I feel like I'm being held prisoner by PTSD. I am used to excelling academically and here I am barely taking any courses at uni and needing to rest for the remainder of the day after just one lecture.

I know, I shouldn't be doing this. I should be fighting and stuff, but right now I just feel bummed about this whole situation.

On the bright side: it'll probably do me more good than I can imagine right now to just get back to uni and have a regular lifestyle again.

 

[RussH]

Snow I have faith in you. You will start class, get into the flow of things and do well.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you Russ :) you are kind and encouraging as always