My Way To Fight Back

[Deleted member 19804]

I've been spending quite a lot of time with my parents recently. I've been visiting and staying over for one or more nights every week since I've told them about my trauma and other struggles. Suddenly, I no longer procrastinate my visits to them, but instead come over much more often. I feel much more at home when I'm with them than when I'm at my own place. And it's made me realize once again how terribly I've missed them.

My parents were going to separate events tonight, but my dad asked me if I'd prefer he'd stay. I did, but I didn't want to keep him from having a good time. Turned out he didn't feel like going out anyway :) It was really nice to spend some quality time together with him.

I had quite a confronting therapy session yesterday, after an already confronting conversation with the university dean. I cannot achieve the same things I used to before the trauma. I cannot do two studies at once, I can barely even do one. I can't take extra courses or start studying at the last minute, or get high grades for anything. I want to do so many things, but I must keep in mind that right now my mind is not capable of all of them. And that really really hurts.

But there's some good news this week: I've planned my first ever appointment with a masseuse this week. I have always had hightened muscle tension throughout my whole body and I feel really stiff in my back, shoulders and neck and get those stress induced headaches. I'm a little scared, but also really excited. I've made sure it's a safe place with experienced people (not the 10 dollars plus a happy ending kind of place) and that I will get the massage from a woman. Can't wait to find out what it feels like to have a professional massage!

 

[RussH]

Snowwhite I am so glad things are going well between you and your parents.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm at a friend's house for her birthday party. It's still going but I'm just so tired. Luckily I can stay the night.

So now I'm in her parents' bed while the party goes on. It feels weird to go to bed when the others are still wide awake, but I know I have to choose for my health right now. And I have to work tomorrow.

Yuck, it's so cold in here! Hope I'll be able to fall and stay asleep until the alarm clock rings.

Goodnight.

 

[RussH]

Goodnight snowwhite, sweet dreams.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

There's been a pretty weird development going on in my dreams and nightmares.. I'm having increasingly strong lucid dreams. It's like the movie Inception, where Leonardo DiCaprio can tell he's in a dream when the spin he keeps in his pocket doesn't stop whirling. Only with me, I'm trying to call the alarm number, but it doesn't work. A lot of other digits appear next to the three I need to dial, or they're in the wrong order, or nobody picks up. I can get really concentrated on my phone in those dreams, but eventually things begin to blur, because I'm trying to do awake-people things in an asleep-people world.

I used to be really scared when this happened, then I just got frustrated because I wanted to finally do it right in my dream so it might stop interfering with my sleep every freaking night. But last night it didn't work again and I just laughed to myself ironically. Thinking things like "seriously, this is a dream?! well I guess I can stop trying then". I have yet to find a way to actually influence my dreams and nightmares, but I am thinking that this might become a form of therapy for my sleeping pattern. Perhaps I can train this lucid dreaming thing until I can reduce the amount and scariness of my nightmares, so I can sleep deeper and more peaceful.

Definitely an idea to mention to my T I think :)

 

[Deleted member 19804]

My head hurts and I feel like things are a bit much for me right now. I just moved into my new home, which is in a quieter and slightly safer neighbourhood. My parents helped me out a lot with carrying all my stuff and putting things together, which is really great.

We're going to see grandma tomorrow, which is nice but also a bit much for me. Secretly I'm looking forward to being home alone at my new place.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I am so tired.. it's ridiculous. I wanted to go to class today but I couldn't get myself together quickly enough so I skipped it. Again. I was so motivated to do things right this time. And I still am. I have studied for a bit and done some exercises for my study, but it's not enough. I still cannot accept that I can't intellectually perform the way I used to before PTSD. In the weeks before my final exams, for example, I studied 6 to 8 hours every day! Effectively!

The motivation is definitely still there, but I just don't have the energy nor the mental capacity to study as long and effectively as I used to. And that really sucks.

 

[SeanCharles]

Hello! I appreciate the warning at the beginning of this diary. Sadly, I am a CSA and Rape survivor. In the middle between those two there was another trauma that I realize like the others in ways are waiting for me to pick at the scar and heal emotionally and spiritually.

I have been in therapy off and on which has partly been my fault a few times because I didn't like/trust/mesh well with...etc the therapist.

Interestingly I find I like women therapists better for some reason even though I have had trust issues with them (women) and in many ways I am more comfortable with women depending on the situation.

I decided to respond to this post despite the warning! (Thank you very much).

While I have PTSD, I also have DID which I feel does help me through some triggering situations. Thankfully this wasn't overly triggering to me. Considering what I have overcome too (through some therapy and some peer-support group work I have done, in ways dealing with some of the past issues (even though I know there are more bags/boxes etc... to unpack) where my early trauma is concerned has helped me to become who I am as a person. (I am a unique individual in real life once you get to know me and my internal family).

Anyway Thanks for sharing this.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you for sharing that with me, Geordie. And I'm glad my story wasn't too much of a trigger to you. I wrote it down to get things cleared up for myself and for anyone who'd want to read here, but I of course would never want to hurt anyone with it.

I am sure you are a unique individual: a real survivor. You truly have overcome a lot of things already. You can be very proud of yourself for that. I noticed you said that DID helps you get through some triggering situations. Out of curiosity (if I may ask): when a member of your 'internal family' has stepped in during a triggering situation, do you remember the whole situation (and your behaviour in it) afterwards?

Thanks again for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I've been thinking about something that to me has been very hard to acknowledge. I was raped, but I never stopped having sex. About half a month after the trauma I met my (now ex-)boyfriend, whom I stayed with for over 2 years. After that I started dating and slept with a couple of guys. Why would I do that? Shouldn't it scare me?

One of my theories is that I started dating again before the PTSD had "settled in" and had already repressed the memory of what happened to me. But that doesn't cover it all. I think that because of being bullied in primary school, plus poisonous relationships before my trauma, plus the extremely low self esteem and the eating disorder, I had adopted the thought that my body was all anyone might ever want me for and that I should be thankful for any guy who would ever desire it. That I was not good the way I was, which made me incredibly lonely but at the same time made me keep all my feelings bottled up, because I was convinced I was a burden to others and was only tolerated because I copied their behaviour. Starving myself was my way to be good at something, to have control over other people's opinions, or so I thought.

And now I am falling in love with a guy that I've been casually dating/sleeping with for over 6 months now and I still shut myself off from him. He doesn't know how I feel, he doesn't know anything about my past.. Not because he's not trustworthy, but because I am too scared to put myself out there, to really love someone. I repress my feelings for him, but it becomes more and more clear to me how much he means to me. I have tried to fill up my loneliness with physical relations with men I was attracted to, but also too scared to show my real self to. I have a chance at my hands now and I need to stop sabotaging it and myself right now.

I am a good person and I deserve to be loved for who I am. I am not completely broken and I can still be fixed.

Yes it is scary, but if I really want to be a strong, real person instead of a cracked mirror, I need to get myself together.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Today I finally told my "boyfriend" of 7 months that I wanted a serious relationship. He replied saying that he "is not there yet".

So yeah here I am. Got kudos from mt friends for standing up for myself, but I'm also heartbroken. Almost wishing I hadn't asked. That I had waited just a little while longer.

I feel sad and humiliated and I already miss him terribly. I think the worst part is the still not knowing. I told him how I feel because I couldn't stand the insecurity. Now he's basically saying he likes me, but not (yet) enough to want a relationship. So I still didn't get anywhere.

I wish he was here with me to hold me. I really need him to hold me right now.

This sucks :(

 

[SeanCharles]

I noticed you said that DID helps you get through some triggering situations. Out of curiosity (if I may ask): when a member of your 'internal family' has stepped in during a triggering situation, do you remember the whole situation (and your behaviour in it) afterwards?

In answer to this question: I do remember most situations because 'we' (my internal family and I) operate co-consciously. Primarily the member who is out front is one whom I have designated as my right hand man. He can be out and unless someone close to me knows him as well as they do me, they can tell that he is out, if he doesn't announce himself and it's someone who isn't aware of his existence then in that case external confusion occurs because the person thinks they are addressing me and not a member of my Internal family.

Here is an example: If I am too stressed, overwhelmed emotionally or otherwise feeling withdrawn, the member above will often step in and perform the work task(s) I am assigned. Some of my tasks are fairly routine. (an example I will use here is a trash run)

This task involves a "trash cart" which is sub-divided with regular cardboard boxes being broken down on top going into a wire rack (shelf) and stacked but is not supposed to extend over the top of the cart these end up in the baler which get recycled. The bottom is supposed separate the trash bags and the raw chicken boxes from the top cardboard because they go into the trash compactor.

With the way that my tasks sometimes overlap, I don't do a trash run until this cart is overflowing and trash bags and other cardboard is placed around the cart and furthermore sometimes someone else has brought a pallet of freight that they are working. I know I have examples but they aren't coming together. At certain times, like one last week, I had a situation in which another part; One of the "system protectors" came forward (This part is one that isn't reckoned with except myself) and acted rather inappropriately because of how I felt getting hit by falling cardboard. I had someone with us who was doing their job and was trying to help, they received some negativity and resistance from me. :( Unfortunately Their boss (which is not my own boss) wants to meet with me to discuss this situation.

I do want to thank you too for your positive comments above.:)

I am sorry to hear about your relationship issues. I know that from my own experience, I got married and we worked to keep the marriage together 2.5 years before things really fell apart and I was dumped like trash at our homeless shelter. I know it's sometimes easier to be at one place while our partner is not at the exact same place. I know that the underlying component to a loving relationship is friendship. If two people aren't extremely close friends, and are using sex as way to love then that relationship won't last.